Why Men Suffer In Silence: How To Embrace Vulnerability To Create Healthy Love | Jason Wilson

Summary

Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness Episode Title: Why Men Suffer In Silence: How To Embrace Vulnerability To Create Healthy Love | Jason Wilson
Host: Lewis Howes
Guest: Jason Wilson
Release Date: January 27, 2025

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1. Introduction and Purpose

In this compelling episode of The School of Greatness, host Lewis Howes engages in a profound conversation with Jason Wilson, a best-selling author and founder of the Cave of Adullam Transformational Training Academy. The discussion centers on understanding the silent suffering of men, the importance of embracing vulnerability, and cultivating healthy, authentic love in relationships.

Key Points:

• Target Audience: Both men seeking personal growth and women aiming to understand the men in their lives.
• Objective: To dismantle traditional masculine stereotypes and promote a comprehensive, authentic approach to manhood.

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2. The Deficiency of Comprehensive Men

Jason Wilson highlights a significant gap in contemporary society—a deficiency of comprehensive men who embody a balanced blend of strength and sensitivity.

Notable Quote:

“We don't really live full lives... Instead of masculinity or femininity, we practice humanity.”
— Jason Wilson [08:28]

Key Insights:

• Traditional mantras like "Big boys don't cry" hinder emotional expression.
• The narrow definition of masculinity excludes vital human attributes such as nurturing and patience.

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3. Overcoming Traditional Masculine Stereotypes

The conversation delves into how societal expectations and outdated gender roles contribute to men's confusion about their identities and roles.

Notable Quote:

“A classic alpha male... there is no alpha male even in the wolf pack.”
— Jason Wilson [11:07]

Key Insights:

• Misconceptions about leadership and dominance are prevalent.
• Embracing a multifaceted identity allows men to lead without aggression.

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4. Personal Journey of Jason Wilson

Jason shares his transformative journey from embodying the stereotypical masculine male to becoming a comprehensive man, emphasizing personal growth and healing.

Notable Quote:

“I was doing this for me, not you... As soon as you don't appreciate my effort, I'm going to digress back.”
— Jason Wilson [15:04]

Key Insights:

• Personal experiences, including marital struggles, catalyzed his transformation.
• Recognizing and addressing past traumas is essential for authentic living.

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5. Embracing Emotional Transparency

A significant portion of the discussion focuses on the power of emotional openness and the challenges men face in embracing vulnerability.

Notable Quote:

“Being emotionally open was actually a gateway to my freedom.”
— Jason Wilson [39:28]

Key Insights:

• Vulnerability leads to deeper connections and healthier relationships.
• Societal norms often stigmatize emotional expression in men, impeding personal and relational growth.

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6. Impacts on Marriage and Relationships

Jason elaborates on how adopting a comprehensive approach to manhood transformed his marriage, fostering understanding and emotional intimacy.

Notable Quote:

“Our marriage is a beautiful struggle... Arguments are over this day.”
— Jason Wilson [55:34]

Key Insights:

• Effective communication and emotional honesty reduce conflict.
• Letting go of past grievances promotes healing and harmony in relationships.

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7. Understanding Leadership and Authority

The discussion extends to leadership qualities, contrasting traditional authoritarian styles with the modern need for compassionate and strategic leadership.

Notable Quote:

“True leaders lead by example and take risks.”
— Lewis Howes [Untimestamped]

Key Insights:

• Leadership should balance strength with empathy.
• Strategic thinking and emotional intelligence are vital for effective leadership.

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8. Handling Conflict and Emotions

Jason shares practical strategies for managing emotions during conflicts, emphasizing reflection, release, and resetting one's mindset.

Notable Quote:

“Reflect, release, reset, and find rest.”
— Jason Wilson [92:02]

Key Insights:

• The four R’s provide a framework for emotional regulation.
• Avoiding reactive behaviors preserves relationships and personal well-being.

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9. Teaching the Next Generation

A pivotal theme is the importance of mentoring young men and breaking intergenerational trauma to foster future generations of comprehensive men.

Notable Quote:

“Inside of every man, there's a broken boy who needs to be healed.”
— Jason Wilson [37:43]

Key Insights:

• Early intervention and positive mentorship are crucial.
• Teaching emotional intelligence and resilience equips young men for healthier futures.

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10. Conclusion and Call to Action

The episode concludes with a powerful call to both men and women to embrace vulnerability, support each other’s growth, and cultivate authentic, loving relationships.

Notable Quote:

“Greatness is being a servant, helping others, walking in humility.”
— Jason Wilson [119:56]

Key Takeaways:

• For Men: Strive to embody the ten characteristics of a comprehensive man, embracing both strength and sensitivity.
• For Women: Encourage and support the men in your lives to be authentic and emotionally open.
• General Audience: Engage in introspective practices, such as mirror exercises, to foster self-awareness and emotional healing.

Action Steps:

• Read Jason Wilson’s Book: The Man: The Moment Demands to dive deeper into the ten characteristics of a comprehensive man.
• Implement Practical Exercises: Utilize the mirror time exercise to enhance self-reflection and emotional transparency.
• Support Each Other: Share these insights with loved ones to promote understanding and mutual growth.

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This episode serves as a transformative guide for anyone seeking to understand the complexities of modern masculinity and the path to authentic, healthy relationships.

Transcript

[Lewis Howes]

Welcome back to the School of Greatness, my friend. Today I'm excited for you to be not only inspired and motivated to take action in your life, but really to feel empowered to step into the ultimate man that you've always wanted to be. And for ladies listening, this may be more powerful for women to listen to because you're going to understand how to understand the men in your life, whether it be men in your family, men who are friends of yours, men in the careers that you're in, and the men you're in relationship with. I sit down with my friend Jason Wilson, who is a best selling author, founder of the Cave of Adullam Transformational Training Academy, and he is an author of a new book called the Man. The moment demands we tap into something extremely powerful today, a conversation about what it truly means to be not a masculine man, but a comprehensive man. And in his new book, he explores the 10 vital characteristics that men need to master to show up fully in their lives, and we discuss them throughout this episode. Through this raw and honest discussion, we dive deep into why so many men struggle with emotional expression, the difference between being masculine and being comprehensive, and how to authentically heal from past trauma. Jason's going to share valuable stories from his own journey of transformation, including how his marriage evolved when he learned to express his full range of emotions when his marriage was almost to the point of failure and ending. And whether you're a man wanting to step more fully into your authentic self, or a woman seeking to understand the men in your life, this episode offers game changing insights on modern masculinity. And if this is your first time here, do me a favor and click the follow button over on Apple Podcasts or Spotify right now and leave a review on your biggest insight or takeaway from this episode so I can stay connected to you and hear what you're truly learning. I want to hear from the men out there listening. What is it that you learned? Is there some myth that you saw as being dismantled that you grew up in a certain way thinking you needed to live a certain way? I know I thought I needed to live a certain way as a man, and in some ways those beliefs served me to a point, but in a lot of ways they didn't serve me in relationships or in my business in other areas. If you're a woman, I want you to leave a review with a comment on your biggest insight and takeaway on the myths and the beliefs that you feel like you need to question and maybe are dismantled as well. From this conversation, I believe you deserve to feel the most authentic, comprehensive version of yourself in Sometimes modern society tries to hold us back and put us into stereotypes as men and women in modern relationships. And in some ways they serve us and in other ways they hold us back and cause pain and suffering. And one of the biggest challenges in modern relationships today is I think mo the men and women in relationships are not being fully authentic and they're not healing. So when you enter into a relationship where you're living in past trauma, you bring that trauma and wounds into your relationship and it's hard to grow if someone's constantly living in the past. And if you're not being authentic or saying what's on your heart and your mind because you're worried of upsetting your partner, or you're worried that they're not going to like you or they're going to react in some way and you people please them, then you're not being your most comprehensive and authentic individual in the relationship either. And one of the biggest problems that people have in relationships is around money conversations and money struggles. And I've got a brand new book coming out. It's called Make Money Easy, Create Financial Freedom and Live a Richer Life. And this is going to help you understand your money history, also your money personality style today. And it's going to give you the tools to unlock freedom for abundance and have a more healed relationship to money in your life so you can have a healthier relationship with the man or the woman in your life around money so it doesn't cause you friction in your relationship as well. I want you to create peace in your life. I want you to feel free. I want you to have beautiful relationships with yourself and with others and this episode is going to unlock that for you. If you're enjoying it, make sure to share this with one friend. Text this. Just copy and paste the link where you're listening to this episode. Text it to one friend and ask them the biggest takeaway they learned from this episode as well and have a open conversation with them. If you're in a relationship, send this to your partner and say, hey, what do you think about this? What do you think about Jason and Lewis's insights? Again, this is about opening the conversation for more expansion and possibilities for growth and love. And that's what you deserve and that's what I want for you. So excited. So let's dive into this episode with the one and only Jason Wilson. When it comes to finding the best financial products, have you ever wished someone would do the heavy lifting for you. 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The truth is Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. You heard that right, 99%. And every time you make a purchase with your card, you automatically earn cash back. It pays to Discover. Based on the February 2024 Nielsen report. Learn more at discover.com credit card welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest today is my good friend Jason Wilson in the house. Good to see you.

[Jason Wilson]

Always good to be here man.

[Lewis Howes]

Excited that you're back. You've got an amazing new book out called the Man. The Moment Demands how to master the 10 characteristics of a Comprehensive man. And I wanted to start this you're a best selling author. You've got an amazing school for young kids and also fathers on how to become better men and how to be leaders of their own lives and how to be leaders in their community and their families and step into the characteristics, the distinctions of leadership for authentic comprehensive men. You've been doing this for decades in Detroit, but also you have a documentary and a ESPN that is spread around the world and your social media following is massive as well. And I'm curious, there seems to be a deficiency of comprehensive men in the world and specifically in America seems to be that way. I don't know if there's a combination of social media that is hurting men or if it's gender roles being confusing from where it once was and now it's shifting and so men don't know how to step into their masculinity in A comprehensive, authentic way in dynamic with their parents, with women, with other men, with work, the idea of being successful and making money and having immaterial things and kind of that drive from where they are to where they want to be. If that's confusing men, but it seems to be a lot of confusion for men on who men are supposed to be in the world, how they can have a peaceful, harmonious life while also prosper and have a beautiful relationship and get married and build a family and all these different things. It just seems confusing for men. What is the root cause of the confusion for men to be who they're meant to be?

[Jason Wilson]

Well, I believe it starts when we're young. The misleading mantras is what I call them. Big boys don't cry or no pain, no gain. Like that's a universal principle. And we see even in sports that if a star player gets hurt, you don't push him through that pain. You take him out the game and give him time to heal. But unfortunately, we believe that a principle that pretty much came through weightlifting, developing the muscle, is something that we apply to all areas in our lives. And that's why I believe we don't really live full lives. And so to shake all of those mantras and then being admonished for having any other emotions besides anger or, or being bold or strong, if you showed an ounce of sensitivity growing up young, you were called a punk or soft. And so those I believe, programmed all of us to say, okay, I don't like the way I feel when I hear that. I remember when my father admonished me for caring too much. So you know what? I'm going to shut that part of my heart off. And that's why so many of us can't meet the moment, especially in relationships, because we've allowed the world to define us as men. And then even the one word or adjective, masculinity is not a comprehensive definition of what it means to be a man. It's just attributes such as boldness, strength and aggression. But what about nurturing, kindness, long suffering, patience? Those aren't feminine attributes, those are human attributes. And so instead of masculinity or femininity, we practice humanity. Like, what do I need to be as a comprehensive human being? And that's where men struggle. Because even in movies like when the last time you really seen conflict resolved between two action heroes without fighting or killing each other, you know, and then we wonder why road rage is at an all time high, while there's a lack of patience with men, even in Conflict or in business. I want to be the top dog or the. A classic alpha male which has been proven a myth. Like there is not a dominant fight for a leader in a wolf pack. The leader of the wolf pack leaders, that is, are the breeding pair, the male and female. Really? Oh yes. I mean Google it and research it. I wrote about it in the book because I believe that's one of the main things that prohibits men from being a comprehensive leader. You don't have to be dogmatic to lead people the right way. And so there is no alpha male even in the wolf pack.

[Lewis Howes]

And so should men strive to be more alpha?

[Jason Wilson]

What is it then? So now. So then the beta is, is negative. Like so he's beta. So what does that mean? He's a nurturer, he's compassionate, he's caring. Those aren't soft attributes. Some of the greatest warriors had both. You know, that's why I said be a comprehensive man. Be strong but sensitive. Be courageous but also compassionate. You have to have, boom. You want to be multifaceted, not what I call mono faceted. You can only do one thing. And because of that, so many men are stuck in first gear in life. You know that first gear is, that's the masculine gear to get you from stop to start and get you going. But what happens then? Do you stay in that gear if you're driving that car? No, you'll burn out your clutch. That's why so many men are on the edge of suicide today. Because everything is by your strength, by your will. You're only identified by your accomplishments instead of who you are. That's why you can't rest, you can't find peace and often say peace has to be within you before it's around you. So there's many, I believe, reasons for why we are where we are as men. The biggest fear of us is really doing the introspective work to find the healing that we desire and deserve.

[Lewis Howes]

Do you think women can fully embrace a fully comprehensive man?

[Jason Wilson]

Absolutely. My wife did it again. The struggle comes in with men is the process. So the same way we have to unlearn what we've been deceived to believe a man is. We have to give our wives or the women in our lives that same grace to unlearn what they've been doing. And a lot of times as men are breaking free from what I call emotional incarceration, if they face a woman or in a relationship where she just say impassively dismisses a moment where he is transparent with how he's feeling now he wants to go back into the ways where he was hardened. And I tell him, no, no, it's not time to retreat back to that cell, that mental jail cell where, you know, there is no peace.

[Lewis Howes]

But what if the woman, his woman, isn't accepting him for his comprehensive emotion, his range of emotion?

[Jason Wilson]

It's his blessing.

[Lewis Howes]

Now she's like, what are you doing? But you're not attractive to me. That's a turn off. Like, don't act weak around me.

[Jason Wilson]

She just confirmed that she's not the right one for you.

[Lewis Howes]

You got to be with that woman.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah. So a lot of men we see we're changing for the wrong reasons. When I made the journey into comprehensive manhood, I had to change for myself. One moment I'll never forget my wife and I, we were in the car, we were arguing, and this is when I was learning how to become a verbal process or how to express what I'm feeling without yelling or hitting things.

[Lewis Howes]

So you used to be what, a suppressor or angry?

[Jason Wilson]

Passive aggressive.

[Lewis Howes]

Passive aggressive. Or just.

[Jason Wilson]

It would just explode. You know, I would come off calm, and next thing you know, boom, I would lose. Really? Yeah. Oh, real quick. So she wasn't used to a man, any man in her life being able to articulate what he's thinking or what he's feeling with composure.

[Lewis Howes]

With. With calm.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah. And composure. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

So when I was able to do.

[Lewis Howes]

That, she didn't understand the language of composure from a man.

[Jason Wilson]

Cuz typically what we have to be, what only masculine, exuding attributes of strength, boldness, and aggression. So I chose to be comprehensive. That moment in the car, she gets out the car, looks at me and says, you're the most emotional man I ever met. And boom. Slams the car door and walks into the grocery store.

[Lewis Howes]

Really?

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah. Seriously. So I'm sitting in the car.

[Lewis Howes]

That doesn't feel good.

[Jason Wilson]

No. Oh. Oh. It was to change your emotion. Yeah, it was. It was very devastating. I got very angry, which I call is the surface emotion for men, you know, it's the emotion we can go to the fastest without going on digging deeper to what we're really feeling.

[Lewis Howes]

So what were you really feeling?

[Jason Wilson]

I was hurt. Yeah. Okay, here it is. I'm trying to become a better man. I knew I was as a father, just discipline only. Driven. I wasn't there emotionally for my daughter during the year. She needed a lover more so than a disciplinarian. And she didn't feel that she was the apple of my eye yet the worm in the apple. And so here it is. As a man, I'm doing this hard work. I'm sitting in this car trying to evolve. Yeah. And I'm saying, you know what, I'm gonna go back to being this demonstrative, quick tempered, peasant, aggressive husband. And in that moment I realized, like, wait a minute, I'm doing this for me, not you. As a byproduct, you will benefit and the children will benefit, but they need to do it for me. Because as soon as you don't appreciate my effort, I'm a digress back into that mental state that was a pivotal moment in my journey.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Jason Wilson]

And I stayed on the course until I finished it. And of course I'm still evolving.

[Lewis Howes]

Why did you stay on it and not return to the single minded man that you once were? Without the range of expression.

[Jason Wilson]

Life wasn't worth living, man. Just to be real with you, I compare it to, you know, the box of eight crayons. You'll see and then you have the box of 64. As men, we tend to gravitate towards the box of eight. And so I compare those crayons to emotions. And out of the eight, we may use four of them, but women have access to 64 and we do too. But their entire life they've been affirmed in expressing those emotions. So then when it comes to communication between man and woman, she is requesting violet, but all you have is purple, so you can't even meet the moment there. And also, instead of even in relationships with men, if a man offends me, I don't just go to anger. I go to the real emotion of my brother, you know, that offended me. Why don't you trust me in this business deal? Now, the conversation now is here. No one has to have their guard up. Guards are dropped. Now we can communicate as human beings. I got tired of having to be stuck in masculine mode all day, every day. Having to live life in a performance based mentality. There's no rest there. A man can even take a nap. When you live that way.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

So it was easy decision to make. Was the journey a challenge at times? Absolutely. But well worth it.

[Lewis Howes]

How old are you at this moment?

[Jason Wilson]

54.

[Lewis Howes]

No, at the, at the car.

[Jason Wilson]

Oh, at the car. How.

[Lewis Howes]

What age range was this?

[Jason Wilson]

I would say 46 maybe. Wow. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

So not that longer? Actually, no.

[Jason Wilson]

Oh, no, no.

[Lewis Howes]

So before 46, would you say you were more, more of a one sided, lesser range of emotions type of man?

[Jason Wilson]

Absolutely. Definitely. That was. I call that a masculine male.

[Lewis Howes]

You were a masculine male.

[Jason Wilson]

That's all I was. Everything was centered around being masculine, being strong, bold.

[Lewis Howes]

What's limited with only being a masculine male?

[Jason Wilson]

Well, I used my mother, caring for her as an example. When she developed dementia, I couldn't fully meet that moment in her life by only being a protector and provider. Those two roles I had mastered whenever the pharmaceutical companies were trying to fleece her out of more money. I was able to protect her when her Social Security check couldn't meet the difference that we owed the doctors and for the prescription I was able to provide. But what happens when she asks me a question 10 times and I have to answer it the 11th time without her feeling any frustration? What happens when she's crying and she's confused, and I have to meet that moment with compassion and love? What happens when her fingernails need filing a clipped, and I have to meet that moment? Only being a protector and a provider was too limiting for me. I couldn't be all that she needed. And so when that time happened in her life, I chose to meet that moment instead of run from it. And often men say, I want to be accomplished of man. What do I need to do? I tell them always to run to the moments where you fear feeling the emotions that make you feel weak. And so that's what transformed me. And I said, this is living. This is power. That's how I'm able to reach so many boys and men. That's why I'm contacted by even UFC fighters. These men have beat pretty much everyone that you can think of in the average setting that's not trained in mma, but yet they're starting to see, like, wait a minute. I can't live from this rage that I feel, this childhood trauma that keeps time traveling to the present and ruins my life. So here it is. These men, the greatest warriors, are they weak now because they want to be comprehensive, because they want to be human, authentically human? No, they. They're fighting now for their right to experience more of life than just providing and protecting. Wow. So.

[Lewis Howes]

So you. So around 46, you made a decision that just being a protector and a provider was not all you wanted to do anymore.

[Jason Wilson]

I saw it destroying my marriage, really. I. I lacked patience. I. I didn't even understand emotions as far as what a woman is feeling. So, again, if you're. I mean, my brothers were drug dealers, you know, and I grew up in a. A area where I'm in the middle of gangs from each Mile Road in Detroit. So you. I didn't know how to express or really feel emotions outside of being tough and strong or appearing to be what we would call a thug, which I've made an acronym for, which is a traumatized human unable to grieve. I. I said, this isn't living. And when me and Nicole, we were arguing our last time before we decided to get a separation in 2015. So look at the time span there. I said, I need to really dig deep into what's causing me to be this man. What's caused me not to embrace all of the human attributes that I'd been given by the most high. And it was my childhood trauma. It was my father wound. It was the losses that I've experienced that had shaped my mind into believing another loss is coming. You weren't even good enough for your father to affirm you. But upon deeper reflection, I realized that I didn't have a bad father. I just had a father who had been wounded and didn't go through his process. He loved me. But again, he came from an era where the masculine male was the gold standard. And so until I saw the truth there before he died, we were able to reconcile, which was beautiful. And he was called by God to be a pastor, but ran from it because he didn't want to be perceived as a pimp. Because of his era, the pastors, the pimps transitioned into being a pastor. Really? Yeah. And he told me the story. I couldn't believe it. He said, your tax exempt still.

[Lewis Howes]

So there was just a hype. They were a pimp, but they were.

[Jason Wilson]

Getting more out of it, still drove a nice car. Wow. And all you had to do was to pander to the women's emotions.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jason Wilson]

So my father was a barber, very popular in Detroit. So he cut a lot of the pimp's hair back then.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Jason Wilson]

And a lot of them would tell him, big old man, nothing like being a pastor. It's almost just like being a pimp. But he allowed that to stop his calling. He could have changed it, but because he was just a masculine male, my father was a provider. He would work 12, 13 hour days, come home, wore out. At the end of his life, he couldn't walk. He had Parkinson's disease. My mother worried to death. He worked to death. Wow. So those are two extremes that I learned from. And I said, you know, I'm not going to be either. I learned from my dad to make sure I take a rest. Take rest in between work. If you don't take a break, I often say you eventually break. And with my mom, the brain wasn't meant to hold the trauma she experienced. My grandfather was lynched, her first marriage was abusive. Then my brother gets murdered. So all of this, she couldn't let go. And what was amazing, brother, she didn't find peace, my mom, until she started to forget.

[Lewis Howes]

Forget?

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah, because of dementia, she couldn't remember all of the trauma.

[Lewis Howes]

So she had peace because she wasn't holding on to the memory.

[Jason Wilson]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

If you don't have the memory, if you let go of the memory now.

[Jason Wilson]

You have the peace.

[Lewis Howes]

You're like an empty vessel that can experience joy and love and harmony again.

[Jason Wilson]

That's why the scriptures say, cast your care is upon God. We tend to hold them and grasp and hold it and control it. And that's what wears us down, especially as men. We can't rest. We can't let go of the disappointments of the day. We're still trying to work when we should be resting. That's what tomorrow is for. Table those things find rest and then get up and hit it hard again. But again, if your whole identity isn't working and performing, we can't sleep. We can't sleep. Yeah, you know, and I guess that's one of the greatest blessings of me knowing so many influential individuals. I get to see the side that people don't see. Yeah, of course. And I say, well, money isn't the answer. Being a celebrity isn't the answer. Being a professional athlete or fighter isn't the answer. But being authentic in who you are is the answer. For me, when I found my purpose in Christ, when I found my purpose in following the Most High, that really solidified me, I would say, in being a comprehensive man. Because again, you could be multifaceted, but without a purpose, you're just a busy person.

[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

No. When I get to meet them behind the closed doors, you see the pain. I see the pain. The facade comes Off. They willingly take it off because they're tired of wearing it. The Superman cape that has been strangling them. Take it off. No. The millionaires. No, because the money. See, the. The thing about being a millionaire, what I've learned, you can do everything, man. If I could go to Spain, you know, this would give me a break. You do it now. You still don't find peace.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. You still have to live with you.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

In Spain.

[Jason Wilson]

So the average guy can always have that dream or that vision, like, you know, one day when I can do this or get this house or get this firm, that's when everything will be together. The millionaire has done everything and still is unhappy, still doesn't have peace.

[Lewis Howes]

It's almost worse, in a sense, because I did everything I thought was going to give me peace. It didn't. Now what?

[Jason Wilson]

There you go.

[Lewis Howes]

Now something is really wrong with you.

[Jason Wilson]

Exactly. And so I say, no matter where you go, there you will be. You can't escape yourself. And so I never was one to, I guess, adhere to escapism. Always tried to find my peace in where I'm at.

[Lewis Howes]

Did you have a lot of escapism, though, before the last 10 years?

[Jason Wilson]

Of course. As men, we're conditioned that way. We, you know, work hard, become a millionaire, travel, buy your way, buy your peace, get the right people around you. Even with the right people around you, if you hadn't did the work inside, you won't have it. And so for me, it took for me to surrender my life to Yeshua or Jesus, to really find that peace, to purge all of this pain that was in my heart. Because I didn't grow up in a church. I didn't want to walk this path.

[Lewis Howes]

You didn't grow up and go to church at all?

[Jason Wilson]

My mother. What I mean by grow up, meaning it wasn't. I was a part of the culture. Me and my mother made me go. But as soon as I got to the age where she could trust me at home alone, I stopped going. And so. But when I truly accepted him in my life, the process still was a journey. It's not like it's not magic, like instant, it's gone. It comes with work. It is written that we should consider, you know, when we test in trials is joy. We should be joyful when that happened because it develops our faith and perseverance.

[Lewis Howes]

When there's a trial.

[Jason Wilson]

Yes. And then, of course, we're going to lose loved ones, but we don't grieve like the world. So those are the type of things that were instilled in me through this transformation I had. Because I know I get to see my mother and father again. My hope is different from those that are in this world. And then my identity is not what I do, it's in him. So whatever stops. I. As we talked earlier, the transition is always difficult, but because my identity isn't in it, I can transition, you know, But a lot of guys can't transition at all. Like, I know I shared with you before here, what he's calling me to do may take some time. Right. As we talk. You said four years, right?

[Lewis Howes]

He did for four years.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah. But our time compared to his time is. And so. But when you're stuck in your identities and what you do, like athletes, when you retire, you don't know what you're going to do with yourself.

[Lewis Howes]

What should a man put their identity in? If it's not their work, their success, their money, their relationship, or who's in their circle, who they know, what should they put their identity in to have more harmony?

[Jason Wilson]

For me, first, the foundation, of course, is the most high in Christ. For me.

[Lewis Howes]

So what does that look like?

[Jason Wilson]

My identity? Oh, well, what does that mean? My identity is in him, meaning I. I am. I embody all who he is. So I manifest his attributes. For to me, in my book, at the end, I share. He was the ultimate comprehensive man. He was the fighter, he was the provider, he was the leader, he was the lover, he was the nurturer, he was the gentleman, he was the. The father. All right, as incarnate, this God, he is one, he was the son. And so those attributes of the competence of man I exude because of who he is in me. So when I say I am, he is in me, and I am. He's the reason why I exist and why I move. I exude his attributes. And that's what I mean by my identity being wrapped up in him. Second, I would say my family. But even that can be shaken. If I was to commit adultery on my wife, she may leave. I don't know. If I was physically abusive to her, my children's love would change. So all of my hope lies in Him. That's the only constant that I have.

[Lewis Howes]

Where do you feel like you struggled the most as a man?

[Jason Wilson]

I would say, hmm, reminds me of Moses. We were talking about him earlier when the Most High called him to go to Pharaoh to free his people. Moses complained about not speaking with the eloquent tongue, making a lot of excuses. And then God told him to have his brother speak for him, which I believe was a big mistake, because Moses didn't work through all of his insecurities. And at the end, those insecurities caused him to hit the rocks, and he couldn't enter the promised land. So I share that to say, because I know it's a blessing knowing that, you know, everything you do is wrapped up in him. At the same time, finding your confidence solely in him can be a challenge at times. A lot of things that he has me doing, I know it's not me. I know the men that stop me at the airport or when I go speed come up to me here. I mean, real men. Crying, breaking down. That's not me. I'm just a man. And so to truly just say, hey, I'm gonna trust you regardless, and just move. Sometimes that can be a challenge when you're walking towards the Red Sea and it hasn't been parted yet, but he's telling you to go that way and then tell you he wasn't gonna split it yet. Just go that way.

[Lewis Howes]

Right.

[Jason Wilson]

That can be challenging at times. And that's why it's important to not have your identity wrapped up in things, Money, your accomplishments, not even your family. As much as I love mine, I. I know love on the human plane is conditional. It's based on what we can do.

[Lewis Howes]

If I do this, I will receive. If I don't do it, it's not going to be there.

[Jason Wilson]

It's just human nature, you know? The closest you'll get to unconditional love is from a good mother on this earth.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

Or dog. Or a dog. I was talk. And, you know, when you realize that, you're like, hey, you know, for me, it was. I studied many religions, and I. I chose that path, and I have no regrets. If I lose everything and still have him. I still have everything.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Which of the 10 characteristics of a comprehensive man are you the most limited still, do you feel is still a. Something that has more effort and harder to actually embrace and comprehend?

[Jason Wilson]

I would say the gentleman. In regards to chivalry, I had to study that because today you say chivalry is dead. Right. And it's almost like chivalry is perceived as pandering to women. But when I studied it, it was the code of honor amongst medieval knights. Why did we relinquish that? So for me, growing up again, the. The misleading mantras was the saying, bros before h o e s. Yeah. Okay. So I was programmed never to really trust a woman. A woman. Don't be affectionate. With a woman in public, you'll be looked at as being weak. To this day, I have to fight to hold my wife's hand in public.

[Lewis Howes]

Really?

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah, man. And just being.

[Lewis Howes]

You have to fight to, like, force.

[Jason Wilson]

Ourselves to do it. It's an internal struggle. My father, I remember I told him I was getting married. He told me, why? Why would you do that? So, I mean, all the men in my life never were comprehensive men.

[Lewis Howes]

They just said they have multiple, you.

[Jason Wilson]

Know, women there and then, you know, outside of being a fighter and provider, the gentleman. What is that? You know, we were smooth, but it was always. We called it game to get something. Yeah. So we had to have game. So I didn't like games. Yeah. Playing games, you know, and so that's why the commitment level wasn't there. And so again, just really living freely from that romantic side that's in me. And that's a process I'm going through now, resolving the hurt, you know, experience the relationships. And that's one of the men's biggest struggles with getting married, is because when you marry someone, she's going to see. She's not going to just see Batman, she's going to see Bruce Wayne. Now, can you deal with that? Are you okay with her seeing that you're depressed some mornings? That. Yeah, you too are anxious at times? Oh, yeah, you too get scared at times. And so that's the. The challenging part for men. And for me, it's just moving past the lies that I've been, I guess, programmed to believe by the men in my family that being romantic publicly was a sign of weakness. And so that's one of the attributes that I struggle with exuding.

[Lewis Howes]

Why do you think it's so hard for men to commit in an intimate relationship?

[Jason Wilson]

Again, it's the fear of. I used to say vulnerable, being vulnerable, but I believe that's the wrong word because that means you're open to harm or being killed. Like, if a gunman was to come in here now, the news report would say he killed the vulnerable citizens. What we're trying to encourage men to do is be emotionally open or transparent. And so for me to be transparent and open was actually a gateway to my freedom, man. And my wife would tell you to this day to have a man who can. She can see that is scared, but can move through that fear, or a man who says, hey, I don't know about this decision, but I'm going to trust God that this is the right way to go. I'm a trust. The data we have that this is the right decision financially, and we're going to move for her to see that. Whoa. Okay. He doesn't know it all, but yet he still walks confidently in that decision. He still has a little fear, but he doesn't succumb to it. Now you can be more authentic, and that's really what men want. They're dying to just be treated as humans. Can I just share my fear without you condemning me as being weak, with being accepted? I'm just a human being, man.

[Lewis Howes]

Do you think men fear commitment more because they lack the ability to be emotionally transparent and to be received for their range of emotions? Or. Or are men afraid to commit to one woman because they don't want to just only be with one woman for the rest of their life?

[Jason Wilson]

From the men that I've worked with, the greatest fear is their inadequacy. The imposter syndrome. That I'm really not all she thinks I am real. She's going to see this one side. What happened during COVID The divorce rates went through the roof because you couldn't be at work for eight hours. There was no time apart for me. I was sad when Covid was over because I enjoy being with my wife and my son all day, every day. I didn't have to leave them because by that time, I had become a comprehensive man. There was no.

[Lewis Howes]

You wanted to express it all.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

It was nothing to hide. But if you're with the suits, the bra, you know, the bravado, all this other stuff, that's your. Your. Your aura all day. No one ever sees a. A sign of weakness. There is no. You're never concerned. You're stoic 24 7. Then you get married, and now she can see. Now she. Oh, wait. Why are you depressed? I thought we're living our best life. I thought nothing bothers you. What happened? So no one wants to be a fraud, but how can you be a fraud when you're authentic? There's nothing to hide anymore.

[Lewis Howes]

Do you think most men are authentic before they get married?

[Jason Wilson]

I don't think most of us are authentic at all right now because especially in the era of social media, everything is performance highlight reels. They don't see the other side of what. What goes on inside of a man's mind, his heart, his fears. We're doing a better job now, especially thankful to men like you who are showing the real side of what it. What men are going through. But I don't think we're there yet. I know with more conversations like this, we're getting there. But no, we're not living authentic. I mean even look at the videos, the, the movies, Hollywood, even in hip hop, everything is a facade.

[Lewis Howes]

What's your thoughts on hip hop and hip hop culture and music? Is it helping men and women in any positive way or is it only a lower level frequency that is really keeping men and women subject to hurt, harm and sadness?

[Jason Wilson]

Well, you couldn't just say hip hop, you know, you could say mass media and not all of hip hop, you know, but definitely mass media is playing a major role in how people see themselves in the mirror. Definitely. Especially social media. Again, I've had couples where wives had to just get off social media because they would be depressed looking at other couples and they have no idea that that couple was struggling, you see. And so I couldn't identify, you know, wouldn't say it's totally hip hop, but I mean, you can say the same for rock, pop, you know, the drug abuse in those two genres alone.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

And so, but it's not all rock, it's not all pop, it's not all hip hop. But yeah, no, definitely, I wouldn't say that. But mass media has played a major role, especially in the way our children think.

[Lewis Howes]

You've got an amazing exercise in your book, the man the Moment Demands about looking in the mirror, about spending more time in the mirror. And actually when I saw that, I was like, huh? Wouldn't that reinforce people's egos to like stare at themselves and say, oh, look at me, I look so good? Because I think a lot of people actually spend too much time in the mirror checking themselves out or selfie looking at themselves, making sure they look good or have the right makeup on for women, whatever it might be. And I actually think they're too self absorbed looking. But you have an exercise about looking in the mirror for what reason?

[Jason Wilson]

To reflect on what you've read in the book. So we've, we're unpacking a lot that as men we been conditioned to suppress. So now at the end of the chapter, I want you to start looking at yourself. The wounds, the things about yourself you didn't like. And then we start affirming ourselves with the statements that I write in the book. And so a lot of times men. I was talking with a friend of mine actually in Detroit, when he went through the first chapter, he was like this hard for me. I didn't realize it was so hard for me to look in the mirror because a lot of us as men, we really don't love ourselves.

[Lewis Howes]

Look in Your eyes, how you look.

[Jason Wilson]

The suit that he wears. I actually share that in the first chapter. Like, that's not what we're looking at. Look intently in your eyes for 60 seconds and then say these statements, you know? And so during that process, for a man to stay there for one, he becomes emotional. Even when we. I have fathers and sons. When they're having a conflict in their relationship, I have them sit in front of each other and without saying a word, communicate through their eyes. Only within a matter of seconds, the father starts crying.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

Because now he can convey with his heart what his words won't allow him to say.

[Lewis Howes]

Most men can never look themselves in the eyes to another man for more than a few seconds without shimming around or, you know, it's hard for a man. One of the reasons why I chose to do this show in this style is to be completely across from someone. Not that it's bad or wrong if someone's not across them, but a lot of people sit kind of catty corner.

[Jason Wilson]

That's true.

[Lewis Howes]

You know, it's like you sit next to each other, kind of facing each other in, like, TV set. Which, again, nothing wrong with it.

[Jason Wilson]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

But it doesn't force you to reflect and see how you're showing up. Like, in there, you can kind of. I could look here, you're sitting here, but you're over there. Right, Gotcha. So I can just kind of wander off and kind of talk and, you know, connect to the audience, which I get. It's a different setting, it's a different context, but you can hide a little bit. You know what I mean? Again, nothing wrong with it, but I believe that if you truly want to understand someone, you've got to face them.

[Jason Wilson]

I agree.

[Lewis Howes]

And you've got to face. Oh, does this make me feel uncomfortable? What is it about them that's making me feel uncomfortable? Or, you know, am I. Why am I struggling to resonate with this person? Am I struggling to look at this person in the eyes and really feel them in this specific way? And if I want to be more comprehensive, I can't just listen to their words. I have to listen to what they're not saying. And if I'm looking off here and just kind of answering questions or talking, my energy isn't connected to your heart. It's out this way. And my head is looking at you, but not my heart facing and embodying all of you. And I think energy doesn't lie. But if you're out here, you can hide a little bit. Doesn't mean you can't have a great conversation?

[Jason Wilson]

Absolutely, yes.

[Lewis Howes]

Doesn't mean it's bad. It's just I wanted to force myself to be like, okay, let me embrace all of this. If I'm nervous, if I'm excited or whatever, like, let me feel it and then lean into it.

[Jason Wilson]

That's really good, man. It works. When I work with the young boys in the cave of Adullam, always say, look at me here. I'm here. I'm talking. Because they want to break contact. Of course I know. Stare here, look at me. So you can not only hear my words, but see the sincerity in my eyes. That I love you. It's just a little tough right now, but we're going to work through this. Yeah, it breaks them down, man. And even, especially with men. And Nicole and I, my wife, we lay in bed and she'll say, hey, I need to connect with you. And what that means is that we stare into each other's eyes at least for like three minutes.

[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

That's a really good question. I'd be transparent with you. With men, it's not an issue because I've been doing it for 20 years, working with boys and men. Well, my wife, she'll often say, why are you looking off? Look at me in my eyes. Because I have the exercise in there. And I tell men, you may need to break contact, eye contact for a moment because it can get intense, of course, but reset back. And the reason it is is because just some unresolved hurt years ago. Same thing with her. We're processing and still growing. And then to move past that and say, no, I'm right here, or I know I may tear up because of how much I love her. And so I break off. I don't want to dive deep right now. So to give her all of my heart, that's deep for me. Like I'm locking into you like this and I'm staying there. And now because you a smile at first, then eventually the smile goes and you're really into deep communication and then now the heart's open.

[Lewis Howes]

It's almost like your wife does to you and you do to young men.

[Jason Wilson]

Exactly. She's, that's funny. She does, she'll say, why are you like, she kissed me. Now this is funny. She'll say, give me a hug. She go to kiss me. This is what I do seriously, sometimes. So she's right here. I do this, I look off and she says, why do you do that? And I'm like, I don't know. It's, I'm still unlearning, of course, what I've been, you know, living from for so many years. And that's why I tell men, stop thinking. It's a master level in manhood. It's not. You have to keep evolving. And so I, I, I've gotten better.

[Lewis Howes]

You know what's also interesting? Probably if she stopped asking you, why do you do that? Or why don't you look at me more? I bet if she stopped kind of like pressuring you in that way, you might feel more comfortable to do it also at some point.

[Jason Wilson]

Or I may not do it, it's.

[Lewis Howes]

True, but it's just stopped doing, you might say, oh, she accepts me for who I am. That's Possible. Let me lean into it now. I feel more accepted.

[Jason Wilson]

I'm gonna tell her to watch, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

I mean, and then maybe in, like, six months, if you're not, like, knew. She can reflect and bring it back, but almost when Martha. I think Martha's really smart in how she approaches me in certain things because I. I don't know. I. Nothing comes off the top of my mind, like. But I'm sure I do stuff like that in my life with her. Not like this perfect man with her, you know?

[Jason Wilson]

Absolutely.

[Lewis Howes]

She does a really great job. I don't know how she learned this, but I'm like, God, she's got, like, a whole nother level of psychology inside of her. Because she will, like, she'll know that maybe I'm resistant to something energetically, or she's got the intuition around it and she'll just accept me. Maybe she'll mention a few times. I'm like, I don't like that, or whatever it is. And then she'll stop pressuring or pushing and she'll kind of let it go and just love and accept me for who I am. All my inefficiencies and deficiency, whatever it is. And I'm like, I appreciate that she's not doing this today so that I want to give it to her.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

You know, it's like, I'm more open to wanting to try whatever that thing is. I'm. Nothing's coming to mind.

[Jason Wilson]

But, you know, it's interesting because Nicole is very understanding. We wouldn't have been married 26 years.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

If she hadn't accepted some of my ways. Like, of course, I'm an introvert who extroverts. Well, okay. That's me wholeheartedly, like, concerts, any of that. I'd rather be doing nothing at home.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. Just relax.

[Jason Wilson]

So she does a great job at that. It's me. Just again, what you asked about the attribute of the comprehensive man or the characteristic that I have the most trouble exuding is that gentleman attribute a characteristic. And really just allowing that part of my heart to open more to her. And that's something. That's my next something else I will have victory over. So, yeah, that's great. Definitely. I love being transparent because I don't want men to think, like, well, he's arrived. Like, no, my brother. It's constant, evolving, constant. It's a journey, work. And my wife and I call marriage a beautiful struggle. And because it is as far as, like, with weight training or any type of conditioning to get your body where you want it to go. It's the same way with your mind as well and your heart. Do the hard work, you know, it's hard work, but it's worth it to have a beautiful relationship with my wife. Where now arguments are. I don't say a thing of the past because anything could happen in the moment, but where we hold on to it longer than the day, those days are over.

[Lewis Howes]

Did you used to argue a lot in the beginning of your marriage?

[Jason Wilson]

Oh my God. Her father was like, look, why don't you two just break up? Like that was like, please break up. Fighting all the time, always arguing, always arguing. Just. I mean, why do. If I draw a line, she would step over it and vice versa. That was our relationship.

[Lewis Howes]

What is it when you see married couples fighting, yelling, arguing, holding on to these arguments for long periods of times, what are they saying to you? What is it that they're doing or not doing or they need to step into in order to evolve? And when people say, well, every marriage has arguments and all people, all, you know, all healthy marriages fight, like is what are your thoughts on that?

[Jason Wilson]

Well, that's not true because we used to fight and argue a lot and now we don't. What helps us in communication, I use our relationships for an example, is if there's some discord or you know, just some dissension between Nicole and I and just say, just say an argument ensues, just, you know, our voice is raised. I don't look at Nicole, the woman who was in front of me. I look at the young girl because I know my wife. I know the years when she didn't feel good enough and the wounds, the fear of losing everything. I look at that little girl so oftentimes I tell my friends, wives as well, that's not the 50 year old man that's talking, that's the 8 year old when his father wasn't there. That's the 8 year old when his mother was overprotective. And so that's what helps me lock my heart into Nicole in those moments. I said, oh, I know why she's responding this way. She feels that she's about to lose something or if I could. For so long, brother and I were our marriage. Early on I was very critical of Nicole.

[Lewis Howes]

And you had a tone or an energy?

[Jason Wilson]

No, just everything negative. Nothing she could do, right?

[Lewis Howes]

Really.

[Jason Wilson]

Oh, seriously, man. And I had to go a period in our marriage without saying anything. I'm just going to eat this one. I saw what I was doing to my wife. It Was so bad, in one of our psychotherapy sessions with our marriage counselors, I allowed her the freedom to write down everything that I did to her over the years on index cards.

[Lewis Howes]

Man, it probably never ended.

[Jason Wilson]

It's hours. How. Two days.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, my gosh. Probably hundreds of indexes.

[Jason Wilson]

For her to just say, when you said this, this is what it did to me. Why did you say it?

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, man, that's a lot of hurt.

[Jason Wilson]

But it was needed. I didn't mean this. This is why I said it. And this is what happened. This is where it came from. Next index card. Next index card. Oh, my God. So the therapist said, well, do you want to turn Jason? The pride in me was like, yeah, I want to make sure she know it's not just her. You know what I mean? Like, just. You don't. Yeah, you did this to me. And the therapist said, like, I could have my stack as well. I chose not to do that.

[Lewis Howes]

Is that suppressing your feelings, though?

[Jason Wilson]

No, because I already expressed them. Meaning, I did the internal work. I let her know and I let my therapist know my prayer life with God, everything. I was able to release it, but she couldn't let those things go. So that was more important to me. Anything that I feel that I'm holding on to, I make sure first and foremost that I speak it at the right moment. That's what's crucial. Timing is everything far as in that relationship. And so, no, I couldn't repressing it. Brother, made me a very unstable man mentally. But at that moment in our marriage, my wife needed the opportunity to gracefully release the things that she had been hoarding in her heart that was affecting her love for me, and it set her free.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, it's free, et cetera, a sense of freedom by releasing it.

[Jason Wilson]

Absolutely. And for me to finally say, well, I said this first and foremost, I was immature. I should have never first own it. This was wrong. It was immature. Secondly, this is what I was trying.

[Lewis Howes]

To say, and I'm sorry.

[Jason Wilson]

Oh, oh. That's the first thing you have to acknowledge. First I heard you, then I'm sorry, and this is what I meant. Or there is no justification. I was wrong and I'm sorry. And do you forgive me?

[Lewis Howes]

And that she may not forgive you right away. She may take time eventually.

[Jason Wilson]

That's true, but in some cases. But Nicole, when it was conveyed. Yeah, of course she saw, you know, I mean, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

So this. This one of the activities in your book, which I think is really powerful, that we talked about already, is Called mirror time. And I just want to walk people through the exercise. I think it's really cool. Take out your mirror or stand in front of your mirror and silently gaze into the eyes of the man reflected in it. Which again, I think just doing that for 10 seconds. Most men are unable to do to really look in their own eyes.

[Jason Wilson]

Especially after reading that chapter.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

Of unpacking the things that they've been holding on.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely. But I think men struggle looking themselves in the eyes without looking at their ego, without looking at how they look or shaved or my hair look good or my. Nothing wrong with putting yourself together, but the exercise of staring into your soul.

[Jason Wilson]

Well, how about. What about the men who don't like who they see in the mirror? The men who the world say aren't attractive. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And they don't like. They don't want to see themselves.

[Jason Wilson]

Exactly.

[Lewis Howes]

When they look, they see shame, they see.

[Jason Wilson]

There you go.

[Lewis Howes]

Not enoughness. All these things.

[Jason Wilson]

That's cool.

[Lewis Howes]

So look yourself silently in the eyes of the mirror of the man reflected in it. Don't look away for 60 seconds. That alone is an amazing exercise. But what you have people go through is the next thing is big. Then affirm that the man with the following. Then affirm that man with the following statements. One, I am not an alpha male. I am a comprehensive man. I will practice chivalry in the lives of the women I love and encounter. I am worth the effort it takes to look good. I am smart and capable enough to master the rules needed to impressively and successively participate in any social function. I think people doing that. What if they don't believe their worth? They're worthy, they're smart enough, they're capable enough. You know, what if they don't believe they're a comprehensive man because they haven't proven it to themselves up to that moment.

[Jason Wilson]

It's a process again. So I'm just taking you through the journey of the characteristics. That's why I close with. Now it's time for you to take the steps to go on. Go beyond this point. And so even in that one chapter, even about being in social settings, because I also teach dining etiquette in that chapter, the gentleman. Because so many men do not know how to dine in public settings and are intimidated by that. And so I teach men, this is short course, what I teach the boys in the cave of Adullam. How to dine at a table, how to enter and exit a table. And so those things are very crucial, especially if you're dating someone or A job interview. Trying to make a great impression for an investor. I've had kids who are in college now have gotten scholarships off of the way they can hold their fork and knife. Seriously, I've gotten text messages. Mr. Wilson, you were right. I got a $2,000 scholarship or $15,000 scholarship because of the way I conducted myself at the table. So how many men like myself? I created that dining etiquette training because I was embarrassed by my father. We went out to eat one day. I had no idea. I was a little eighth grader, you know, actually, I believe. Yeah, I was in eighth grade. I loved. My favorite restaurant at the time was Red Lobster, So I was eager to eat shrimp. And I'm eating with my hands. Didn't have the napkin in my lap. My father didn't teach me. So when he dropped me off at home because my parents were divorced, I thought everything was cool. But maybe 10 minutes later, I hear my mother arguing with him. I asked her what happened. She said, he was mad at me for not teaching you how to dine at a restaurant. And that scarred me.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Jason Wilson]

Because he didn't tell me that. And so I vowed. I said, you know what? I'm gonna make sure that no boy has to go through what I went through and then come to find out when I talked to their fathers about it because they watched the process as well. Said, man, I didn't know that. That's why I'm nervous when I'm in a business setting, because I don't know how to dine at a fine dining restaurant. And so, again, I often say, inside of every man, there's a broken boy who needs to be healed. And so that's one thing I do through working with young boys during that process. Okay, good. I'm able to stop intergenerational trauma through you, but what about the dad?

[Lewis Howes]

Right.

[Jason Wilson]

You know, and so I help him heal the broken boy inside. So now I know this healing can continue in their family.

[Lewis Howes]

Interesting.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

You talk about a few things in this book. Protecting and providing is part of the comprehensive man, correct?

[Jason Wilson]

Yes, sir. Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

Part of the ingredients of becoming a comprehensive man. And it. And what it sounds like from the generation you came from, that's all men knew what to do was project and provide and kind of nothing else.

[Jason Wilson]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

Was kind of what they leaned on. Right. I'm a protector. I'm a provider.

[Jason Wilson]

Even now, still, to some, really, I.

[Lewis Howes]

Feel like the younger generation has lost the. Of men.

[Jason Wilson]

Okay. Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

The. The teens and young twenties has lost the art of providing. And protection.

[Jason Wilson]

I agree.

[Lewis Howes]

And maybe have swung more into the other elements of the comprehensive men.

[Jason Wilson]

Which ones?

[Lewis Howes]

I don't know.

[Jason Wilson]

I don't think so. I think I. I think the providing and protecting definitely has for men, for men, definitely. But the other attributes they haven't touched yet. Because after Covid man, a lot of young men are lazy, are stuck in the basement, are apathetic towards life. You know, no outlook. Like, you know, so many of us complain about young boys or young men not being men, but how many of us are actually teaching them how to be one? You are so there. Yeah, but we need to be more of men. So more of these young boys feel condemned, more than, I guess, encouraged to change. And so that's why they're stuck in the basement. That's why you don't see the work ethic you used to.

[Lewis Howes]

If a man does not know how to protect and provide, what type of woman will he attract?

[Jason Wilson]

You have to have that. Those attributes. I mean, like I said, that's the first gear in manhood, protecting and providing. You know, even the scripture says a man who doesn't provide for his own is worse than the unbeliever. Really? Yeah. So you have to provide for your family. You want to be a fighter. You want to be assertive, not necessarily being aggressive. You want to have calculated actions in everything. You know, the fighter in that chapter, I talk about the good side and the bad side. You know, a lot of men, we lose control, lose our freedom, lose our lives. But the fighter in this book, what I'm teaching you is how to be strategic in every move, how to consider this decision and then look at the outcome of that decision before you make that move. For instance, the Oscars with. I talk about brother Will Smith and Chris Rock, the situation that happened there, he could have, you know, once he stood up, he lost it. But in that moment, while he's in that seat, if he could have processed in real time, like, I want to wreck my man right now because he's offending my wife. But if I get up right now, this is going to cost me more than it's worth. Let me deal with him backstage and talk to him one on one. But as soon as he got up out that chair, the internal battle was over. He lost. And then to Chris Rock's, I guess not defense per se, but to give him a lot of credit, his self control and restraint is something that I admired in that moment. And he was talked about bad after that. Like he should have hit him. He should have did this and did that. When you do what I do in my community, that retaliation can also cost to your life. So when I saw Chris Rock when he took the slap, which is interesting, being a man of the most high, I think about where Yeshua Jesus said, you know, whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn to the other. What people don't understand. He wasn't saying, be a coward or don't defend yourself. If I'm sitting across from you like we are now in the time of Jesus and I was to slap you, that's why he said right cheek. For me to slap you on your right cheek, I would have to slap you either with my left hand, right. Or the backside of my right hand. What he was saying wasn't that they would slap you with your left hand because it was used for unclean things. Especially during that time. It was a right handed society. He was saying, if someone insults you, turn to them the other. It was actually out of rebellion. Like here, take it. Wasn't talking about self defense. So what Will Smith did when he slapped him, well, actually slapped him this way even harder.

[Lewis Howes]

Even harder.

[Jason Wilson]

Very disrespectful. Chris Rock took it, said, you know what, I'm gonna win this in the end. A lot of people say he could have been scared. No one knows. But for me who work with black boys in Detroit, it was important for me to see both sides because even to Wills, not defense, but understanding his childhood trauma. If you read his book, I believe even in that moment he may have been thinking he was protecting his mother because, you know, his father abused his mother. And he said even all of his accomplishments was like a silent apology to his mother for never being able to stand up and defend her. See, a lot of people don't know that.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Jason Wilson]

Cpsd, cptsd. Ptsd. Yes. Is real. So in that moment, that childhood trauma manifested in that moment, I've operated from it before. I don't put it past Will. His actions were still inexcusable. But I understand. Yeah. And so I see the contrast in both. I teach from both. I hope one day those two men can reconcile even after that. But even in that, it's like he could have lost almost everything in that moment. How many men you know right now, intelligent who are in prison because.

[Lewis Howes]

Intelligent who are in prison are in.

[Jason Wilson]

Prison because they didn't have rule over their emotions in the moment. Yeah. And lost it. Yeah. And that's what happened to Will and into Chris Rock's understanding his situation. Like, what about the trauma he experienced that was in front of the entire world. Yeah. And you know, it bothered me to see so many people talk about him. He should have done. He could have did. That was me. But it wasn't you. It was him. Do you even respect the fact that he chose not to respond in that way? Everyone wants to be tough or gangster. I grew up around that. The men I knew, matter of fact, one of the most dangerous men in the city of Highland Park. Young kid was selling drugs on his street. Slapped his hat off. Did he retaliate in a moment?

[Lewis Howes]

No.

[Jason Wilson]

Poked his hat up. Oh, I understand. Young man. It's okay. And walked off. My brother would do the same because he knew if he did something to you, then he'd get caught. I'm not responding right now. This is. That's a reaction. And if it's really real and I feel this way, tomorrow or next year, I need to do something.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, there'll be some consequences. But.

[Jason Wilson]

So I, I take my hat off to Chris in that moment. It took a lot not to just respond.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. Not to. Also not to say anything.

[Jason Wilson]

That's. I talk about that as well. He didn't respond physically or verbally.

[Lewis Howes]

Maybe there was some shock or some. Oh, I've got. The show must go on.

[Jason Wilson]

Of course. But for you to hit or react. How about let's, let's make it practical for the average man.

[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

Welcome to Nadia Island. Next on Nadia Yada Island.

[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

Bring your number and ID offer.

[Jason Wilson]

Not available.

[Lewis Howes]

If with T Mobile, with Metro, in.

[Jason Wilson]

The past 180 days, your boss says something to you that pisses you off.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

Do you slap him? Do you curse him out? You see, you see the hypocrisy in this? The comedians who clowned him. You signed to Netflix and the head of Netflix says something to offend you. Nine times out of ten, you probably won't say nothing to him, right? What's the difference? Chris Rock chose the best response for him in that moment. It's no different from a man boss irritating you. You're not going to cuss him out because you need that money to provide for your family.

[Lewis Howes]

Sure, you may leave that job in six months or if you may create a different decision, but yeah, and so.

[Jason Wilson]

That'S the thing about understanding how to be a comprehensive fighter, even fighting spiritually, brother. I never shared when we were in New York for Tribeca for the documentary with Laurence Fishburne. I don't even. I don't think I even shared this with him. My man. Is that the night before we sleep, my wife and I sleep before the premiere, my phone rings. I hear it vibrating on the nightstand. I look, it's my son. Him and my daughter are staying two floors below. I pick up the phone. Hey, what's going on, man? Dad, someone's banging on our door. A man was drunk banging on my son and daughters door. I run down, didn't get my shoes on, ran out. My wife immediately dropped her knees and started praying. Because I'm trained to really hurt you. I run down and in the process, I'm processing in real time. Okay, what if I see this guy here? What do I need to do? How should I respond? A lot's going through my head. When I get to the floor, I see the guy. Thankfully the security is there and he passes out. He was drunk. His hotel room was at the same corner of the hotel, just a floor above, I believe, trying to get in. Yeah, what if I had gotten there before security, but. But I know from another situation that to be able to process in real time to see, because I still was very angry, Louis. I still wanted to hurt him, of course, but I had to let all of that go. In that moment, many men still would have confronted him and probably punched or slapped Him?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

Do you see how things were set up spiritually? Because what if I would have gotten an altercation with him the night before the Red Copper premiere of the film? Everything could have been lost.

[Lewis Howes]

Is there anything you'd go to jail for?

[Jason Wilson]

Of course. My family. Definitely protecting him, which I'm supposed to do as a man, and I go to jail for my Lord, of course. You know, whatever that looks like. Many were in prison for their faith. Those two, definitely. And even the boys I serve, you know, I'm very protective. I love them like they're my own son. My children, anyone comes in, if they come to our building trying to harm them, I have to protect them.

[Lewis Howes]

So someone, you know, if someone harm. You see someone harming your family, and you go into protector mode and you would do whatever to defend them, even knowing if it sets you in jail for the rest of your life.

[Jason Wilson]

If you're harming my. You're trying to harm my family, I have no choice but to take you off the earth, and that's serious. If you're touching my wife and my. I have no choice but to eliminate. You eliminate the threat immediately, and I will deal with the rest later. I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six. But if you have the audacity to come to my loved ones like that, I will take care of you. I will respond accordingly. No emotion involved. I would do what I have to do. And that's just it. My daughter, my wife, I mean, a guy was following her. I shared in this book in the fighter chapter. This is where I failed. This is perfect. Guy was following her, man. I hear my wife on the phone. She calls me Jason. A man's following me. What do you do, Martha? Someone's following her. You immediately get in your car and go to where she is. I did that race. There two guns in my hoodie. You had two guns I could legally carry? Yes. Yeah, I, I, I did tactically training.

[Lewis Howes]

You had two of them.

[Jason Wilson]

Dang. Yeah, I was, I was.

[Lewis Howes]

You were ready for whatever.

[Jason Wilson]

I was livid. Yeah. I mean, this is my.

[Lewis Howes]

In Detroit, or was this.

[Jason Wilson]

It was Detroit Metro Detroit. Right. In Detroit area, which is getting her hair done. I pull up so you're at home.

[Lewis Howes]

She calls you. There's a guy following me. When you say where, boom. Guns in. I'm locked and loaded.

[Jason Wilson]

I'm there.

[Lewis Howes]

Trucks freaking driving.

[Jason Wilson]

10 minutes, pull up in the gas station. And I said, stay on the phone with me. I said, where's the guy? He's behind. I said, I walk Out. I'm in the. At the gas station.

[Lewis Howes]

She came to the gas station or she was.

[Jason Wilson]

She had. She was. She had to go to a public place because she was scared, of course.

[Lewis Howes]

So she went to the gas station.

[Jason Wilson]

Could be around with people. Wow. She walks out, here he comes.

[Lewis Howes]

So Movie John Wick up in here.

[Jason Wilson]

You know, I get out, walk to her. I look at him, he's sipping coffee. And I walks her to the car. I get in the car, she's safe and secure, bro.

[Lewis Howes]

All you got to do is leave.

[Jason Wilson]

You okay? She was like, yes, I'm fine. I said, all right. So I'm sitting there, I'm looking at him, and I'm like, he doesn't know how serious this is. Oh, man. I get back out the truck. I again, I love being transparent. So they can see, of course.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

You know, no one's superhuman now, of course. I walk up to him, I said, hey, why was you following my wife? Oh, Jesus, that's scary. He says, I wasn't. I wasn't following your wife. I get nose to nose with him. I was about to head butt him, and through my teeth, I said, so you call him a wife, A liar, my man.

[Lewis Howes]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jason Wilson]

And I just. And I'm thankful, cuz what if he would have been the type of guy to say, man, get up off me.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, push you or say something if he said one. Dancing at you.

[Jason Wilson]

See how I failed in that moment? But the hyper masculine male would have said, no, you did what you're supposed to do.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

No, what I was supposed to do was make sure my wife made it back safely and then get out.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, here's the situation.

[Jason Wilson]

And leave. She's safe. Yeah. See, that's. That's what the comprehensive fighter does. He keeps himself in an advantageous position.

[Lewis Howes]

However, like in Jiu Jitsu, you're taught not to fight, right? It's like almost, no, you taught to fight, but it's also. It's almost like you're taught to not engage in the fight if you don't.

[Jason Wilson]

Have to, as every martial arts should.

[Lewis Howes]

It's like, yeah, defuse the situation. Get away.

[Jason Wilson]

What I love about Jiu Jitsu is you don't have to meet force with force all the time. Right. See, that's what I did. Yeah. I had won the battle. I took it away. I had her. See, I should have pulled.

[Lewis Howes]

And then you re engaged in the battle.

[Jason Wilson]

That's where I feel. And that could have changed my entire life. That'll ruin your life. Absolutely. And so that's what I teach man. It's like keep yourself in that advantageous position. Again, if he was, say he had a knife coming at her, it's justifiable.

[Lewis Howes]

It's just, he's just sipping coffee. What did he say he was doing?

[Jason Wilson]

He just said he wasn't following her. But I knew he was lying. My wife isn't a liar.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

But I was just enraged at the fact that possibly someone could harm my beloved White. Of course. And I, I can't, I don't play those games, you know, and so that was, it was a mistake. But. And I, I hope men, when they read that like, wow. And you'll see we've all been in those situations. I've been in situations. Yes. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

So I mean, luckily I didn't have guns on me, but yeah, right. Because I don't know if I would do that. Of course.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah. And so, so, but yeah, that to.

[Lewis Howes]

End someone's life or hurt someone bad enough to go to jail forever.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah, you can.

[Lewis Howes]

One punch.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah, one punch. Absolutely. And so that's why I started with the fighter chapter, because I know men could identify with that. But the key is to teach them how to fight the right way.

[Lewis Howes]

Okay, let me ask you about this then.

[Jason Wilson]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

If a man doesn't have the qualities, the characteristics of a comprehensive man to protect and provide and he tries to enter in a relationship with a woman and get into a serious, committed relationship in your perspective and your experience of working with so many men, what will typically happen if a man never learns to protect and provide? Whether it be physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally, whatever it might be, what will happen to that relationship for the woman?

[Jason Wilson]

It won't make it, it won't even make it. Not just for her, for him. As a man, do you know how heart rending it is when you can't pay the bills, when you can't provide. Let's move protection. I mean, I hope most men will be able to do whatever they can to protect a woman. You may not be skilled, which I also tell men, you should learn a martial art that's tested for, you know, street situations, real life situations. But just move protection of provider, providing how you, you, you won't feel good about yourself. No man wants to see his children struggle. I had mentors.

[Lewis Howes]

But what about women that are like, you know what, I'm making good money, I've got a high paying salary, I can provide for myself and for both of us. So I don't need him to provide because he gives Me, other things. He's kind to me, he's nice to me, he's considerate, he's a gentleman, he's thoughtful. He's the lover.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

He brings all these amazing. He's good to me and my family. What about that situation?

[Jason Wilson]

He still needs to be in his position in that home. So what I mean by that is it was at one point in our marriage when Nicole made significantly more than I did and I still was the provider and the leader. Feel deeper than money. So.

[Lewis Howes]

How, how can you, how can you provide if you're on life?

[Jason Wilson]

I'm trying to give you, I'm trying to see if I want to say this, but. And I'm gonna say it. So coming up, you know, being young, all the drug dealers got the best looking women.

[Lewis Howes]

Uhhuh.

[Jason Wilson]

They had the money, but they missed providing everything else that guys like myself was able to move in on where their money would take care of me. Literally where their girl's money would take care of me.

[Lewis Howes]

Really?

[Jason Wilson]

So what is provision to a woman? Is it just money? No, it's everything. All those characteristics are providing. Again, my wife made significantly more money than me, but because I could provide in all the other areas and now I make more than her. Of course we were able to make it.

[Lewis Howes]

But if a man can't provide financially, but he.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah, no, I agree. No, that's what I'm saying. What I mean is a man would not feel good about himself as the man, as the father, as the husband, if you're not contributing the finance, any finances. I know.

[Lewis Howes]

What if you're like, I want to be a stay at home dad and I want to just be there for my kids and she's got an amazing job so she can go make my own way.

[Jason Wilson]

A couple like that right now, and it works really well, they were losing money the other way. As a man just wanting to be.

[Lewis Howes]

The provider, do you think a woman. Most women can accept that if their man isn't financially providing?

[Jason Wilson]

See, see, this is a. What does a woman really want? I'm just saying, just from my experience, my wife even shared it in another interview. It wasn't about that. She was trained differently by her parents and what she saw, they both worked hard, you know, most, I mean, successful marriages. You got to have two jobs now. So money is, Is not. Is. Is far from what will satisfy a woman is stability. And what does that look like? So for me, when I didn't make as much money, I would have to do odd end jobs. I would clean people's homes to bring in extra money. Okay. And so that's. It's still not enough. I get what you're saying is like you don't want to get into a relationship and you can't provide. Like to me that's short sighted. It's irresponsible when I mentor young men like, you know, if you want to get married, how much are you making right now? But don't let what you don't have stop what you can get. And that's where many of us as men fail. You have a woman who's ready and you may not make what you want to make right now. She may make more than you, but I didn't care because that money went into the same bank account. Put the ego aside and start building your kingdom. I am a living testimony that it works. But you have to put that aside. And any mature woman will tell you it's more than money that's going to make that marriage.

[Lewis Howes]

Sure. But if the woman is in protector and provider mode, if she's in it and he is not in stepping into his comprehensive protector provider mode. Not masculine, but comprehensive protector provider mode. Have you seen a relationship work where the woman is in protector provider and the man is not?

[Jason Wilson]

No, because I mean that's like she's a single mother almost. You know, a woman needs to feel protective, she needs shelter, she needs a covering. You know, as a man of God, you know, Christ is my head, I'm the head of my wife. So it has to have some order for a woman. A woman wants stability. She wants to feel that things will be okay. But if you're not stable, especially emotionally, again, you can't, you won't be able to make money if you're emotionally unstable. And so no to your point, no. You need to know how to provide and protect even if you're not making the money that you want to bring to the table, but just doing something. I tell men who are unemployed still get up like you have a job, get dressed and leave the house until you get a job. Never become comfortable sitting still at home.

[Lewis Howes]

Why are men lazy today? Not all men obviously, but why does it feel like a society of more lazy men and then more hard working manner?

[Jason Wilson]

I believe it's again of going to the cause and effect psychology what's causing them to be disconnected with being that provider, going out, having that work ethic. You know, every man that I talk to that, you know, I have a friend of mine who gets laid off often not laid off, get fired from jobs. He's really good. But until we could help him feel like, hey, what's causing you to lose so many jobs, to dig and go deep, to. Wait a minute. It was my fear of failure due to what happened as a child. Here, a lot of men are lazy, not because they don't have the work ethic per se, but because they have lost a desire to live. Why have they lost a desire? A lot of times it's due to childhood trauma or situations or present losses that they haven't been able to let go of. And, I mean, I know you see it, guys, now you're going off to drinking and other vices now just to find some peace or some freedom. So it's not. I don't think it's laziness. In all cases. Laziness does exist. But when you see a man just dejected and discontented with life, it's much deeper than him just being lazy. And every time I work with a man to help him get to his cause and effect, he starts finding reasons to live again. You know, I'm off to say, you're not tired of living, you're tired of not living. So finding out that. That piece right there. What's. What am. What am I? Why am I not living? What's happening here? And when a man finds that answer, he starts walking out of, you know, what I call emotional incarceration and starts to live. And there'll be setbacks, but long as he keeps walking out, he'll be fine. But I don't believe it's just laziness.

[Lewis Howes]

Gotcha. What do you think is the number one thing that holds men back from being their most authentic, highest versions of themselves?

[Jason Wilson]

Fear of how they'll be perceived.

[Lewis Howes]

Really?

[Jason Wilson]

Oh, yeah, man. It's. I can't tell you how many times when I share this information with men at conferences, and they'll say, well, what happens if your girl, you know, disrespects you and calls you weak or soft? And I tell them you've been blessed, and the whole audience will start laughing.

[Lewis Howes]

She's not your girl.

[Jason Wilson]

She's not. Be thankful. Do not compromise who you really are for anyone, man.

[Lewis Howes]

That's so hard for people, though, because they want to. In a world of people pleasing, that's really hard to do.

[Jason Wilson]

But the most unhappiest people I've ever met are people pleasers.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, it's true.

[Jason Wilson]

So there's no solace in that. So, you know, again, you don't want to be authentic. And you are a hole. Right?

[Lewis Howes]

That's not comprehensive. It's not comprehensive.

[Jason Wilson]

If so, again, you want with my. I talk about the four R's in this book, you know, process I teach men of how to, you know, make decisions in the moment and reflect. So the first R is reflect. Second R is release. Third R is reset. Then the fourth R is a byproduct of those three, which is rest. So when you reflect on what's troubling you, what's going on in your life. Yeah. You think on those things, you get to the next R, which is release. And you got to be careful there, because you don't want to release everything because.

[Lewis Howes]

And you don't want to release on someone.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah, that's true, too. But if you and Martha, if you were impatient with Martha earlier in the day, you don't want to just release that. You want to retain that so you can revisit it and maybe apologize and say, hey, you know, I was impatient with you earlier, and I want to ask for your forgiveness and I want to reconcile right now. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

Next one is the reset. Reset back to your baseline. I call it lamb mode. So many men want to be in lion mode of the alpha. Mo said a lamb. Lamb. Like a lamb. Sheep, you know, lamb. And so lion and the lamb. That's what we teach in the cave of Adullum, to bring up the lion when there's predators coming into your pride. I call that fight or flight, the brain's response to stress or trauma. Handle it then, but don't stay there. See, I stayed there in the gas station when that guy was following my wife. I should have reset to lamb mode because everything was safe. And so that's what I teach men, is like, look, never suppress the lion. Bring him out when needed, but put him back and live from the lamb.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Jason Wilson]

Then you can reset, and there you will find rest.

[Lewis Howes]

You have one son, right?

[Jason Wilson]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

What's your biggest fear as a father with your son? FedEx doesn't know your small business yet. It could be coffee mugs. Coffee mugs that say, but first, coffee. Or coffee mugs that say, insert coffee here. Whatever your business, FedEx knows the last thing you want to worry about is complex shipping. That's why there's FedEx One Rate. And did you know that with FedEx One Rate, you can ship your holiday packages cheaper than the post office? Send packages as low as $14.50 for small boxes. It's simple, reliable and predictable. With FedEx One Rate, you'll know your business's shipping costs ahead of time. Guessing and stressing not included so you can spend less time on shipping and more time on what really matters growing your business. Visit fedex.com, for details. Exclusions apply. Valid from October 6, 2024 through January 19, 2025. FedEx 1 Rate 2 Day Retail Shipping 1 Flat Rate this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every January brings you 365 blank pages waiting to be filled in 2025. Maybe you're ready for a plot twist. Or maybe there's part of your story that you've been wanting to revise. Life isn't about resolutions that fade by February. It's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your own life. Think of the as your editorial partner, helping you write new chapters and create the meaningful story you deserve to live. I thought I had my story already written out for me as I pursued being a professional athlete after college. But when I had an unexpected career ending injury, I was faced with a story that needed some major edits. And therapy also was a tool that helped really get me through this time. It made me realize I didn't have to write my story all on my own. Therapy is for everyone, and I believe that wholeheartedly. So if you're ready to get started, check out BetterHelp. It's fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide, access to a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties, and you can easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Write your story with better help. Visit betterhelp.com Lewis to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp h lp.com Lewis right now.

[Jason Wilson]

He'S 16th state of this country. It's him driving. You know, disproportionately African Americans are pulled over more than any other ethnicity. And even with unfair cause, no, just cause to be pulled over. Statistically, we're less likely to have drugs or firearms. So I'm scared. I'm concerned with that. But I trust that God will take care of him the same way he took care of my daughter when she was interning in New York. And I love New York. I just didn't want my daughter just on the subway alone. You know, it's just terrifying. But with him, that's my concern. And I'm thankful for the police officers I do know who are just and kind, all different ethnicities. And I have faith that my son and I have to train him. See, that's the dynamic of being an African American in this country. Like, when you have a son, you don't have to teach him how to respond when the police pull you over, per se. I literally tell my son to roll all four windows down so he won't feel threatened, right? To make.

[Lewis Howes]

Disarm the police officer.

[Jason Wilson]

Soon as he pulls you over, make.

[Lewis Howes]

Your hand up on the.

[Jason Wilson]

And have your ID out. Do you know what that does to his adrenaline, his mind? And just one move could cost him his life.

[Lewis Howes]

One fast reaction.

[Jason Wilson]

And so it's. It's terrifying as a father, man, just to be real with you, but yet, you know, I have to cast that. I can't live from that. You know, I have had a lot of losses, and I don't want to live from that. That. That type of mentality. I won't be able to stay in the present. My trauma would keep time traveling and ruining. Ruining it. I should be excited that my son has a driver's license and can drive. And, you know, and I work with police officers as well at times, and to understand the trauma that they've endured. My best friend, I talk about him in this book. He's a retired police officer. PTSD is real.

[Lewis Howes]

And getting shot at, getting, you know, whatever.

[Jason Wilson]

Getting shot at. Most police officers don't even have to experience that is seeing the trauma of a crime scene.

[Lewis Howes]

All the dead bodies they see, or.

[Jason Wilson]

A person with a bullet hole talking to you, shot in the head talking to you, trying to tell you who shot them. That's what my best friend had to endure someone.

[Lewis Howes]

He had a bullet in his head, and he was able to speak.

[Jason Wilson]

And he's trying to articulate to the office of my friend who shot him. And he could. Oh, my gosh, my friend. It's difficult for him to sleep at night. In this book here, I share that he had a moment of just intense anger, frustration. And then his wife actually had cancer. She's deceased now. He said he grabbed his steering wheel so fierce that imprints from his fingernails was in his palm. That's how hard he was grabbing the steering wheel because of all that he saw as a police officer.

[Lewis Howes]

You probably just see the worst of society as a police officer, which has got to be traumatizing every day. You're probably on guard, even you do a routine stop.

[Jason Wilson]

You know, he tells me all the time. I mean, I remember one time we caught some kids who were breaking in homes in his neighborhood. I pull up, I see the kids breaking in his neighbor's house. I call him. He runs out. They. By the time he Comes out, they're in the car. I didn't know where they were, but his training, we're driving says, that's them. I said, how do you know? Because he's constantly in fight or flight. Wow. He was able to.

[Lewis Howes]

It was the car detect how they're.

[Jason Wilson]

Moving, the movement of the car. Why is a female driving? There's three guys. And he knew all of that, but he's like that all the time. A friend of mine, 24 7.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

Friend of mine who was a ex Marine. Same thing. Same thing. And it's like. So when I think of my son driving at the same time, I know not all cops are out to get young black boys. I do know that. And so my mind is on both sides.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

I pray, I let go and I continue to do my work to help as many men as possible. And what I love about the reach of social media, I had cops stop me just to talk to seriously.

[Lewis Howes]

Like, oh, here we go.

[Jason Wilson]

I'm like, man, I don't want to do this thing. But they say, hey, you know, do you have a moment to talk? And it's humbling because to know that here it is as a man, just. You see him in uniform, think he should have it together, and he does it just to talk about marriage and life. And it's a rough day today. And that's what I tell my son. Always consider. Always try to consider the last stop they could have had. Yeah. And. And even in. There's no guarantee, but it does increase your chances of going on 100. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And how you respond to things calmly.

[Jason Wilson]

I often tell my boys, I say, the car is not a courtroom. Get home right then get a lawyer.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

You don't need.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, just yes, sir. Yes.

[Jason Wilson]

There's no guarantee that'll work because I. We've seen the yes, sir and no, sir, and it's still in the other way.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

But. Yeah, man, that's. As a father, a loving father, I love my son deeply. It's a fear, but I'm going to lean on God with that, man. Like, I'm going to trust you again.

[Lewis Howes]

What do you think is your ultimate purpose in this life from this moment until the moment you die?

[Jason Wilson]

I don't know. You know, people would say, you know, the cave of Adullam is my life's work. I swear, I don't think no one could tell me my life's work until I'm dead, because I could do something at 80 that could change everything. And so my purpose, I believe, is being a servant Allowing myself to be used by God to reach as many people as possible and help them heal, man. Yeah. To truly find life and living, you know, especially with me. And my heart breaks for menace, specifically because we're hiding so much, man. And I see them, we talk. I see right through the filters. And it breaks my heart because they're struggling and they want to be free like me, where I can just share and I don't care how I'm perceived anymore.

[Lewis Howes]

What's the area in your life where you're hiding the most?

[Jason Wilson]

Where I'm hiding the most? I don't. I don't think there's an area anymore, my man. I mean, now once I can cry in front of my wife, like, that was the ultimate. Like, oh, my God, I'm. How is she gonna take this one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, man, I don't. I don't. There is. I believe all of us, though, have moments where we feel that we're not good enough, you know, like, man, how I'ma do this? Like, public speaking, whatever it is. He's just like. But I put all that aside, man, and moved through it.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Jason Wilson]

And then again, leaning on those memories of what happened when I allowed myself to be transparent, it worked out. You know, I never thought I would have cried ever in front of Nicole, my wife, but it's amazing how she respects me so much more that she can see the comprehensiveness in who I am as a man. And to see I embody all of the characteristics. And even more, it shows her that, man, you know, it gives her the freedom to be scared. It gives her the freedom to not be okay. To know that, wait a minute. My husband does it and he makes this.

[Lewis Howes]

I can do it to you.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

For the women watching right now, who maybe are watching, or maybe a friend of them sent this video or this audio because they said, hey, you should listen to these two guys talk about this. Maybe they're more. They've been more closed off emotionally, or maybe they've struggled being vulnerable in front of the men and the man in their life or the men in their father, their husband, their boyfriend. The men in their life that they're the closest with, they've struggled letting go and surrendering those emotions. It sounds like Nicole had kind of anger emotions as well. She wasn't as able to receive you being vulnerable or being open, I guess, Right?

[Jason Wilson]

Yes, absolutely.

[Lewis Howes]

She wasn't able to see your heart fully open up and have a range of transparency, like you said. Right. And if there's women watching or listening that are used to the paradigm of men need to protect and provide and not show those emotions in front of me. What is available on the other side if that woman or those women can start to allow their man to fully be open? Because sometimes women will say, I wish he would show his emotions, I wish he would be more vulnerable, I wish he would cry, I wish he would express himself, myself. But then when they see that side of the man, they're like, what are you doing? And they're like, oh, that's not a turn on, that's a turn off. Or it looks a little weak. I know I'm supposed to like this, but I don't like it because I've been conditioned for my life that my dad didn't do that or I don't know anyone who shows their emotions that way. What's available for women who allow, who accept the man to be transparent with his emotions in front of her? Consistent. What's available on the other side?

[Jason Wilson]

First and foremost, I would say to them what my wife would tell him. Make a decision. What do you really want? Do you want this man who provides and protects, don't show you the other side of his life and then you find out what was really going on, planning his funeral? Or do you want a man who can be emotionally open with you and in the process you're able to be emotionally open with him because now he has a capacity to receive it. Do you want a partner in life or just a performer? So once you make that decision, now we can move forward. It's going to be difficult because again, you weren't trained this way. But every daughter see sides and their father like man, I wish he would have done this because he would be much healthier where he is today. Do you want your husband when he can't be strong, when he can't provide as much, to feel like I might as well just die? Or would you rather have had a husband who found his worth and who he is instead of what he does so that when he becomes an elder, he enjoys that stage of his life, Right. And so once they make the decision, understand it's going to be work just like the marriage. But on the other side, to have a man who can sit there, table everything he's thinking about and lock in with you because he knows it's important to hear your heart. If you make the right decision, it'll literally transform your marriage, your life and your children's future.

[Lewis Howes]

Here's the real question then. For women who have been hurt by Men in their lives over and over again, their father, ex boyfriends and let down by men consistently lied to, cheated on, manipulated, promised something and then under delivered the men in their lives have hurt them and let them down over and over again. How can women who have been hurt that much by men learn to love men again, learn to trust men again, learn to trust themselves when they're with men, when they've been let down consistently over and over by their father or the previous men they've been with and they've never really found a good man.

[Jason Wilson]

That's a very good question. One young lady who's married I was talking with been through a lot of abuse growing up. Father pretty much disowned her. That's the ultimate for a daughter. And then form of infidelity in the marriage or I would say adultery at that point in her life. Just like I'm done with this. And I simply asked, I said, where's your identity? Again, back to where it started, this conversation. Is it your identity as a daughter? Is it your identity as a wife? Or is it your identity as your daughter and God? Which one is the most important? What are roles? Which one is your identity? And I get emotional because when she realized that her identity was different from a role, she found value. My role as a father, as a husband, teacher, mentor, those are my roles. My identity is in. The one who created can't be shaken there. Once you find that and make that your foundation, people will always disappoint you. My wife, before we met, she was not in a good relationship, was done with men. I had to really pursue her. She gave love another try and look what happened. So I would tell every woman who was going through that trying to shake that mentality is really research and take time to find out who you really are and where your identity really is. That way it can't be shaken. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

For anyone watching or listening right now, I want you to share this with one man or one woman in your life that you care about, that you think could just have an interesting conversation with, send this to them and say, hey, what opened up to you? What inspired you? What resonated? What didn't resonate? Let's talk about it. Let's have a discussion about this. Because I think the way we can just all improve is to have these types of conversations and hear different perspectives. So share this with one person and then ask them to share back with you their biggest takeaway from this conversation with Jason Wilson, the man the moment demands. Master the 10 characteristics of a Comprehensive man again. If you're a woman watching and you're in a relationship with a man, get them this book and send them this video. Have them connect with what I think are two masculine looking guys and maybe they'll resonate with us based on what we've accomplished, our success and the way we look. And hopefully this will resonate in some way because we both suffered emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially in our lives. And I would say that we both found peace and freedom on the other side of going through the fire of all of the. The crap and finding healing.

[Jason Wilson]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

Because at the core of all this is finding healing. And you talk about the tree. Is it the tree of emotions? The tree of tree of trauma?

[Jason Wilson]

Tree of trauma, where to find healing.

[Lewis Howes]

And you know, if you want to become free, you have to heal the trauma. And no one wants to talk about that. I mean, people, we hear it a lot. I talk about it all the time. But no one wants to get to the root of the pain because it's so painful.

[Jason Wilson]

Absolutely. You have to uproot the tree.

[Lewis Howes]

It's not enjoyable. It's not an enjoyable process.

[Jason Wilson]

We cut off branches. That's what I talk about. But branches go back.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. So we put on our ass.

[Jason Wilson]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. And so instead of cutting, keep cutting off the branches, uproot the tree and move it to a different environment so that it could thrive and it can heal. Absolutely, yeah. And become strong and people don't.

[Lewis Howes]

It's. It's not easy, but it's worth it. And so I want people to get the book. It's very powerful. Follow Jason Wilson as well. He's the director of the Cave of Adullum Transformational Training Academy, which is inspiring. Make sure to check that out. You're also on social media, Mr. Jason Wilson, all over Facebook, Instagram, social media. MrJasonWilson.com and the book is out right now at the moment of this being out there. So make sure you guys get a copy. Give it to the men in your life. If you're a woman, you're going to want to read this as well because you're going to want to understand, is my man actually living up to these things or not? Or what is the things that I really want in a partner, if I'm single, if I'm a single woman, learn about the characteristics and start assessing the men that you're going on dates with. Oh, is, is he live? Is he embodying this? Or on the journey?

[Jason Wilson]

It's not.

[Lewis Howes]

Many men are going to be perfect at all 10 of these. Let me know if that's possible.

[Jason Wilson]

The truth. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

But hey, is he on the journey of the this. See, do I see that he's working on these things? Is he living into this? Not does he have the potential, but is he on the journey of living this already?

[Jason Wilson]

Absolutely.

[Lewis Howes]

Because I think you've got to. Yes, you know, men have potential to become greater at all times, but if, if you're meeting a man at the first moment and he doesn't want to grow, it's hard to just hope that he's going to live into his potential in the near future.

[Jason Wilson]

That's true. That's very good.

[Lewis Howes]

He's got to be on that journey right now. You can't just say, well, I know he has the potential, so it's going to happen one day. It may never happen the time you want it. Right. It's like we all have the opportunity to do it, but it takes timing. For some, it's got to be the right timing, the right triggers, traumas. For others, breakdowns, like things got to happen sometimes.

[Jason Wilson]

Right surroundings, the right mentors, all of it. All of it. And that's really good. I never thought about that, brother. Just for women to see what type of characteristics they should have in a man. And you know, I tell men all the time, I wrote it for men who are tired of being the wrong man in the moment. And we all blow it as fathers, leaders, as sons trying to care for your parents who are aging.

[Lewis Howes]

You know, the funny thing is I wrote the mask of mask, the mask of masculinity for men. But more women read it, but the men that do read it, it's like transformational for them, right? It's like, wow, I am realizing all the things where I was wounded and I'm healing and growing and all these things. But you always hear these things about like women having this list for when they're single and they write down a list of like all the things they want in a man. I want him to be tall and make money and successful and make me laugh. Like all these kind of things of a list. If you want the real list, Write down these 10 characteristics. If you want to have a thriving relationship, not a superficial, good looking relationship on social media or you think he looks good on paper, you want to have him living up to these 10 characteristics. Make a list of these 10. Then you can add, yeah, he's a funny personality or he's outgoing or he likes to travel and he likes adventure and he likes dogs. Whatever. But he likes all those things. But he lacks the ability to provide, he lacks the ability to protect. He lacks the ability to be a lover, a friend, father, a son. If he lacks the ability to step into those things because that's not what he wants, then you are going to struggle in that relationship. After a few years, you're going to say, why is he not stepping into this? Why is he not living into this embodiment of a comprehensive man, the man that I dream of being with as a woman. Right. And if you can write down that as your list. And when you're going on dates, start asking yourself, is he living into this? Is he being a gentleman? Is he being chivalrous? Is he being his word? Is he living into these characteristics? You will live a much more harmonious and joyful relationship than a fun, chemically bonded relationship that has great sex or looks good on social media but suffers silently in the background. So write these down. And then ladies as your list. When you go out there and look for as the guy you want to date. You see what I'm saying?

[Jason Wilson]

Yes. And I'm going to close with this. I want to commend you, man. I'm really proud of you. Marriage, just everything I know, just some things that we've talked about and which they don't need to know. But I just want to thank you just for being authentic, man, and just really moving in following your heart, brother. And I see it especially after your father passed and just I recognize that in you, man. I just want to commend you for being authentic, man and following the good in your heart instead of your fears, man. Thanks, brother. Just everything, the home, just everything I see you're doing, man. I just want to commend you and it's very inspirational to me and I don't know if you know that, but I want to tell you that you inspired me to step even further out of just other comfort zones I may have.

[Lewis Howes]

Sure.

[Jason Wilson]

So I just wanted to salute you in that emperor. Thank you. Seemingly seem like you always find a way to meet the moment and so.

[Lewis Howes]

I salute you in that I've always. I'm just trying to be the man the moment demands, you know, you're doing. Trying to be that. You're doing it not always perfect, but try to end up with that perfection.

[Jason Wilson]

It's about just practicing it.

[Lewis Howes]

Appreciate it.

[Jason Wilson]

Thanks for all you. Appreciate you. Yeah, man.

[Lewis Howes]

I've asked you this before about the three truths in the previous interview. So I'm going to have people go watch our previous episode to get that answer. But I want to ask you your definition of greatness one more time to see if it's different from the last time and probably don't remember. I don't remember, but no. Just kind of curious where you're at after writing this book and before I do. Jason, I want to acknowledge you, man, for constantly being of service. You know, I was at Mass this last weekend with Martha and the. The. I don't even know, what do they call it at Mass. I'm new to Mass, but I don't know if it's a preacher or a pastor.

[Jason Wilson]

I'm not a Catholic.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's more Martha's thing, but I go support her. But there's great wisdom there and great messages. The preacher, the pastor, I don't know what they call it at Mass, but person giving the. The messages of the day. He said, you know, a lot of people in life today are trying to understand their purpose, and they don't know what their purpose is. And they're living in fear or they're depressed or these different things because they're not clear on what their purpose is. And he said, there's some individuals in this church who I am not going to ask the question because I know that they know, but I'm going to ask these two kind of teenage kids that was, you know, sitting next to him, near him to come up and answer, what is our purpose? So we had these kids come and teach the congregation. He said, okay, what is your purpose? And they said, to know God, to love God and to serve God. And I want to acknowledge you for living into that purpose fully, for embracing it, and for knowing God, loving God and being of service, and mentoring so many people in the world who need a messenger and a mentor that they can believe in, that they can trust, and that they can live up to the message of. So I acknowledge you for stepping into that, and I continue to encourage and nudge you into your greatest fears. I believe what you're possible for the next phase as well. So I appreciate it, brother. But final question. What's your definition of greatness?

[Jason Wilson]

I guess I have to follow what you just said about your purpose in God. So, Yeshua, Jesus said, the least shall be the greatest in the kingdom of God. The what will mean the least shall be the greatest in the kingdom of God. Those who are servants here, those who are looked upon as elites here, shall be the greatest. That's the greatest for me is being a servant, helping others, walking in humility, meekness, not Weakness. That's my definition currently of being great. Because I have to surrender more to where I know he wants me to go. And for me to surrender, that means I'm under a master who is the greatest. So as long as I'm in my place where I need to be, I'll be fine. So to me, greatness is for me having the kingdom, mind, being the least, being the servant, looking out for others and understanding that I have one who's the greatest of them all, looking out for him.

[Lewis Howes]

And I guess to follow up with that, what is if people aren't intentionally living a life of service, what is happening to those individuals? If they're not thinking I'm here to serve, whatever that whether it's through their gifts and talents or their art or sport, or if they're not thinking service mentality and they're thinking self mentality, what are they creating for themselves?

[Jason Wilson]

I believe they're creating anything, which is interesting.

[Lewis Howes]

They're not creating anything.

[Jason Wilson]

Basically it's self absorbed. Like you're saying now, what do you want to leave? What will be your legacy? Will it be all about you or will it be more about what you've done? So for me, even when I read my audiobook, I thought about how long that would be here on earth, how my son, my daughter, my grandchildren, their children will have it because I was a servant, because I chose to give more than I received. They will find more to life that way. If it's when I was all about myself, my goals, my desires, I wasn't happy. There was no fulfillment. But when I put my dreams on hold for his will, I found life. I found life man. And I tell people all the time, try it. Just try it. Deny yourself and watch what happens.

[Lewis Howes]

My man.

[Jason Wilson]

You know Chase. Bless you. Thanks brother. Appreciate it. Always good talking with you. Powerful. Always good. Yeah. Thank you man.

[Lewis Howes]

Thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed this and if you found value, make sure to share this with one friend. Just copy and paste the link and text a friend where you feel would be truly inspired by this episode as well. And also make sure to click the follow button on Apple or Spotify wherever you're listening to this episode because we have a massive episode coming up next that I do not want you to miss. So make sure to follow this and be on the lookout for the next episode coming with some massive content and guests. Also, I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy and if you are looking to create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant. Then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment. Moving forward. We have some big guests and content coming up. Make sure you're following and stay tuned to the next episode on the School of Greatness. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description Description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links and if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness+channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy and you matter and now it's time to go out there and do something great.

[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Jason Wilson]

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[Lewis Howes]

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[Lewis Howes]

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