It was marky mark and Channing Tatum, but in the dream they were just my friends. They were hanging out in Vegas and I dropped by to say hi, but I had to get going. I was renting a white Beamer SUV which I thought was too nice for me. Thought about going back to say hello but had to convince my parents.

Dumb.

At least I figured out who those two shirtless dudes were.

Oh they also had that guy from Dexter with them.

That's correct.

And an old dude.

But what is that dudes name?

Idk. Shirtless dude three.

SHIRTLESS DUDE 3

You mean me.

God, that Beamer was nice.

It was white.

It was white, but it was also a rental.

I don't know if I could see myself getting a white car.

It was pearlescent white though, kind of cream, but with sparkles.

You're right, that's a different kind of white.

Why would they let me drive this thing?

I can drive, I was more surprised anyone would let me rent a car after the Enterprise fiasco.

Luckily, it was under my mom's name.

Well, this is fucked up.

{Enter The Multiverse}

My dellisions of granduer sure are fire right now

Are you sure you don't know who you are

Or where

I'll be right there

On the highway to hell

Like a baseball bat out of heaven

I wear my hat backwards,

Cause I'm the only one

To throw shade

On my back end

Can I just say,

I really like the gangster version of deadmau5.

Oh SHIT,

There he go.

RUN,

BLAT-BLAT.

(Still Canadian tho)

Ah, FUCK, man.

What suh tho?!

I'm out of gas, eh.

The car's out of gas?!

Ammo, bud!

Oh shit, aight.

Must have been surfing in the dream, because I was eating lots of fish and cool about it.

That's true! I only ever eat fish when I'm surfing.

Why were we in Vegas then?

No, the guys were in Vegas, I was just visiting.

That doesn't seem like the place to just “visit”.

Maybe it was EDC, I don't know.

Then why were we eating fish!?

That was in another part of the dream.

Oh. So we were traveling?

I guess so.

That sounds rich.

Stephen Colbert stands over Jimmy Kimmel with a wooden sword, hitting him repeatedly, yelling

KING ME.

OW. NO.

KING ME.

OW, WHAT THE FUCK MAN!

KING ME!

OWC, knock it OFF!

He overpowers Colbert and takes the wooden sword.

GIVE ME THAT.

he thwaps him with the sword one good time.

OW.

EXACTLY. Fuck outta here!

Why won't you king me?!

What makes you think I'm in charge of Kinging?!

You wrote the game!

I co-wrote the game—with-very minimal effort, by the way, other people—

Including my//yourself.

Was I there?

Gee, maybe not…

Seriously, I don't know where my head is sometimes.

Plastered inside of the television.

Like literally?! I guess.

In or on. Anyway, if you're unhappy with your lowly, monocle status, you should talk to The Creator.

Who's the creator?

Nobody really seems to know…

Well then, how am i supposed to talk to him,?

Let's find out,

Wait, what.

One…

Jimmy Kimmel Begins to morph into a bird, feathers first and more slowly than usual.

What is that?

[via tootsie pops owl]

Two-hoo!

I feel like I've heard this before somewhere.

THREE!

OH MY GAAA—AAHHHHH!

Suddenly, Jimmy Kimmel is transformed into a giant-esque owl.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

Jimmy Kimmel swoops above him, grabbing Colbert by the shoulders, as he screams inconsolably.

He begins to fly out of the oversized window, then doubles back for a moment, hovering over the wooden sword.

Get the sword!

YOU CAN STILL TALK?

GET THE SWORD.

He lowers Colbert down to the sword, his talons digging deeply into his shoulders—it looks like this probably hurts a lot, he meekly but with great f air grabs the sword, and his feed dangle as the owl takes flight, bawking,

Of course I can still tallk; I'm smarter than your actual human self!

SO IT WAS YOU WHO ATE MY TOOTSIE POP.

JIMMY KIMMEL the OWL lets out a deep and bellowing meniacal laugh as he takes flight, STEPHEN COLBERT crying in shame.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

{Enter The Multiverse}

Gotta take it real hard

Hang down, head in shame

Strong arm, the charms off

Work hard, the thigh gap

Gets a good man

Get the gap tooth fixed,

Maybe bleach a few shades

Paula Patton, or whatever

Zoe Kravitz, like

My Time's up;

I want to be a good mom

Hey, Lorne won't like me

Hey, hey, Lorne won't like me at all.

What's up on the network

I'm waiting on my closeup

I take lessons real hard

I want to be a good mom,

Or if not

A long gone alcoholic

I mean long gone

I mean woke up, blacked out

Still pedaling forward on the peloton

A skeleton

I mean long, long gone

No, Lorne don't like me at all

What's in the back of the bus?

A diversity hire,

Fresh out of Harvard university

What's on the top of the tube

Well, a fresh pack of lubricated condoms,

If you really want to know

No raw dog

What's on the top of the morning

An hour on the Peloton,

Another in the tub, Doc

What's on your mind?

Are you really on the road?

(No raw dog)

Woah,

If you really want to know

I'm in love,

So you're all of them,

Until I come,

And then you just,

Run off like a ghost

I'm in the room with a body,

And you're not her,

I must have gone off the hard stuff

(on behalf of Oliver)

What if you wrote your book,

Knowing who might open it?

Who wrote the forward,

Colbert.

Tough crowd—

Now I'm out of folks to come up on,

After all that hard stuff

Simply won't go on

I want to be a good mom,

But so much for that

It goes well up my spine,

Like an epidural,

I'm all out of experience.

I've got 30 minutes of torture left

But I'm all out of droplets,

From the hyperdermal contraption I've strapped on

And the 4 kilometer run

And the dance number to Beyoncé,

Of course.

(It was Destiny's child,

But I was dancing to Beyoncè)

It was Destiny's Child,

But I was dancing to Beyoncé,

Also.

“Aw, love…”

I always gawk,

When couples go on as they do,

Even if it occurs that,

The one I love,

Dawns his beloved

And arm and arm

My heart weighs just a ton

I can't even hear the words anymore

It's just all for numbers

One for Oliver

I can't even hear the words anymore

It's just for numbers

Almost a Californian

As long as I just keep going

And don't eat

Before sweating it all off in the tub

Now the scar on the inside of my lip lights up

And raises

Just at the sound of [];

Had better not touch that one,

Put the sides to the side

And mark the folder

Do not touch

Move off of it

And wonder what the fuck

That number was all for

All four

I could fly a kite

Out of that thing on your back—

Impresario

If that be the case,

Than that makes them the rock,

Then what of the kite,

And the wind

And the string

So I wanna kill you.

Impresario

I'll be Lennon

And you be the other.

I've got my Yoko out on tour

Impresario

I work hard for a broke heart

Just for songs

Impresario

Get the monster out

Put it all on him

Like a kite in the wind

Put it all on him

Ad hominum/ homonym

ATTN:

Jimmy Fallon.

JIMMY FALLON receives a large shipment of grade A douches, with one simple sticky note which reads an anonymous message in neat cursive.

‘Likeness is what your attract.'

Why do I have some of your memories?

Before:

Hmmm…

Where can I offload these?

I need more storage.

L E G E N D S

{This is Theatre} (Act I)