1281: I Want to Die by Tariq Luthun - The Slowdown: Poetry & Reflection Daily

Summary4 min read

Podcast Summary: The Slowdown: Poetry & Reflection Daily
Episode: 1281 - "I Want to Die" by Tariq Luthun
Release Date: January 27, 2025

Produced by APM Studios in partnership with The Poetry Foundation and supported by the National Endowment for the Arts.

Introduction

In Episode 1281 of The Slowdown: Poetry & Reflection Daily, hosted by Major Jackson, listeners are invited to embark on a poignant journey through poetry and personal reflection. This episode features the evocative poem "I Want to Die" by Tariq Luthun, exploring deep-seated fears and the human condition through lyrical expression.

Setting the Scene: Conversations on Fear [00:34]

Major Jackson begins the episode by sharing a personal anecdote set in a new restaurant with friends, where the topic of fears naturally arises between appetizers and main courses. This intimate setting serves as a springboard for delving into the poem's themes.

Joel's Fear of Spiders:
Joel recalls a harrowing teenage camping trip where "a massive set of furry legs crawled out of his sleeping bag" ([00:45]). This vivid memory underscores a fear that blends the mundane with the terrifying, highlighting how everyday experiences can leave lasting impressions.
Linda's Fear of Elevators:
Linda shares her anxiety about being in elevators, preferring to take the stairs if a building is under ten floors ([01:05]). Her ritual of saying a "tiny prayer" before stepping into an elevator illustrates the coping mechanisms we develop to confront our fears.
Major's Fear of Loneliness:
Major reflects on his fear of loneliness, expressing concern over "never experiencing the joy of friends" and "losing out on moments like this" ([01:30]). This admission reveals a vulnerability that resonates with many, setting the tone for the episode's exploration of emotional depth.

Introducing the Poem: "I Want to Die" by Tariq Luthun [02:00]

Transitioning from personal fears to poetic expression, Major introduces Tariq Luthun's "I Want to Die," highlighting its exploration of loneliness against a backdrop of violence. He notes the poem's ability to waver "between joy and oblivion" ([02:15]), suggesting a complex interplay of emotions that the poem navigates.

Reading of "I Want to Die" [02:30]

Major Jackson recites the poem, allowing listeners to immerse themselves in Luthun's contemplative verses. The poem delves into themes of belonging, emotional numbness, and the dichotomy between joy and despair:

"I want to die in the arms of everyone who's ever loved me,
each appendage a tendril expanding into the ether of every moment I am leaving behind.
Know this. I have dabbled in the enterprise of affection, cut my teeth on what it means to hold and be held..."

The poem continues to explore the protagonist's struggle with emotional detachment and the yearning for genuine connection, juxtaposed with observations on societal violence and personal disillusionment.

Analysis and Reflection [04:00]

After the recitation, Major delves into a nuanced analysis of the poem's themes:

Affection and Ownership:
Major reflects on the line, "everything that has ever been labeled mine was stolen from me, but also now by me," discussing the complexities of possession and emotional ownership in relationships.
Emotional Numbness:
He examines the protagonist's self-imposed emotional barriers: "For years I trained myself to not feel anything, to spare myself of having to feel for everything." This highlights a common response to overwhelming emotions and fears.
Joy vs. Doom:
Major explores the poem's oscillation between "joy" and "doom," noting how the speaker grapples with the desire to feel joyful while being acutely aware of impending darkness.
Childhood Memories and Vulnerability:
The poem's reference to a childhood night "poking holes into the window mesh" serves as a metaphor for vulnerability and the longing for freedom, paralleling the speaker's adult fears.
Existential Reflections:
The closing lines ponder the nature of the world's end, comparing it to a boy "yearning to be released from a warm room," encapsulating the delicate balance between comfort and the inevitability of change.

Notable Quotes:

"Behold, everything that has ever been labeled mine was stolen from me, but also now by me." ([03:15])
"No partner, no child. My parents will soon be gone too. Can you blame me?" ([03:45])
"I thought nothing of it until I found myself brave enough to chant before the sun." ([04:10])
"What a lovely thing to feel." ([04:30])

Concluding Insights [05:30]

Major Jackson wraps up the episode by reflecting on the universal nature of the fears discussed, both personal and poetic. He emphasizes the power of poetry to illuminate and process complex emotions, offering listeners a moment of solace and introspection.

The Role of Poetry:
"We take a moment to pause and acknowledge the world’s magnitude, and how poets illuminate that mystery," Major states, underscoring poetry's role in connecting us to our shared human experience ([05:50]).
Community and Connection:
The episode concludes with an affirmation of belonging and mutual support, aligning with the poem's longing for connection and understanding.

Final Thoughts

Episode 1281 of The Slowdown: Poetry & Reflection Daily masterfully intertwines personal anecdotes with poetic exploration, inviting listeners to delve deep into their emotions and fears. Through Tariq Luthun's "I Want to Die," Major Jackson offers a reflective space to navigate the complexities of joy, loneliness, and the human spirit. This episode serves as a testament to the enduring power of poetry in fostering connection and personal growth.

To receive your daily dose of poetry, visit slowdownshow.org and sign up for the newsletter. Follow us on Instagram @slowdownshell.

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Transcript3 lines

[00:00]
A
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[00:34]
B
I'm Major Jackson and this is the slowdown Dining at a new restaurant, me and a group of friends landed on the topic of fears. We were between appetizers and our main dishes. Joel confessed to fearing spiders, recalling for us a teenage camping trip. A massive set of furry legs crawled out of his sleeping bag. Soon he felt a sharp pain. He had to be taken to the hospital. Linda says a tiny prayer before getting on an elevator. She would rather take the stairs and does so if a building is under 10 floors. The oyster mushroom skewers arrived. I was kind of listening, but I was more into the food being set before us. Then it was my turn. I said I feared loneliness, that I would never experience, the joy of friends, that I would lose out on moments like this, taking in the pleasures of the world. I was surprised by my expressiveness. I hear that same fear in today's poem, against the backdrop of violence, as the speaker wavers between joy and oblivion. This is a poem by Tarek Lothen I want to die in the arms of everyone who's ever loved me, each appendage a tendril expanding into the ether of every moment I am leaving behind. Know this. I have dabbled in the enterprise of affection, cut my teeth on what it means to hold and be held. Behold, everything that has ever been labeled mine was stolen from me, but also now by me. The land from us, and now the land we were stolen to. I belong to nothing but my friends, those who have entrusted me with the gift of caring for them. For years I trained myself to not feel anything, to spare myself of having to feel for everything. No partner, no child. My parents will soon be gone too. Can you blame me? I watch men and women say things they don't mean and claim lives from bodies they won't ever eat. Some can't stomach culling the protein from a fly, but drop before the silhouette of a gun. Have you ever fallen for something empty as a word? For me it was joy, the way it bounces when spoken. For years I would whisper it hopelessly to the moon. I thought nothing of it until I found myself brave enough to chant before the sun. It was in this light that I came to find my peoples. I took shape among them. Joy, joy, joy. What a lovely thing to feel. But then again, the word doom exists. Sometimes it's almost too fun, not to say apocalypse. Even cicada sounds lovely with the right inflection. I wonder if it's stronger to nestle into the chest of one's sadness, or to lie about it. Once, as a child, I spent a late summer night poking holes into the window mesh that shielded us against the bugs we had stolen away from each puncture a compromise with those creatures seeking refuge. As I did it, I repeated the synonym synonym, caught between synonym and synonym, letting each letter pass through until the end of the word. I imagine that when this world ends, it will happen like a boy yearning to be released from a warm room, little by little, not all at once unbothered by the thought of losing his place. The Slowdown is a production of American Public Media in partnership with the Poetry Foundation. This project is also supported in part by the National Endowment for the Arts. On the web@arts.gov to get a poem delivered to you daily, go to slowdownshow.org and sign up for our newsletter and find us on Instagram slowdownshell.
[06:31]
A
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