The Slowdown: Poetry & Reflection Daily

Episode 1377: "The Crux" by Megan Peak
Host: Maggie Smith
Date: October 20, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, host Maggie Smith explores the "too muchness" of early motherhood and the complicated emotions it evokes—exhaustion, overwhelm, fierce love, grief, and longing for selfhood. Through her own reflections and a heartfelt reading of Megan Peak’s poem "The Crux," Maggie delves into how poetry can help us pay attention to our lived experiences and find meaning within them. The episode offers solace to anyone who has felt lost or overburdened by care, ultimately affirming the hope that, with time, things change and new forms of connection emerge.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Maggie’s Reflection: The Overwhelm of Early Motherhood

• Physical and Emotional "Too Muchness":
  Maggie describes those early years of parenting as all-consuming.
  • "Your body is not your own, your space is not your own, your sleep is not your own. Even your own mind feels co-opted by the new baby." (01:25)
• Blurred Memory of Exhaustion:
  Time dulls the sharpness of that exhaustion and confusion.
  • "I know I felt overwhelmed, but I can't remember how I felt. I can barely conjure the physicality of that exhaustion. I think our minds protect us so that we have the courage to do it again." (01:42)
• Duality of Wanting Freedom and Attachment:
  As her children grow, Maggie notes the irony in longing for both independence and closeness.
  • "For years I craved more freedom, more independence. And then when I got it, part of me missed being so needed." (02:24)
• Hopeful Reassurance:
  She assures younger parents that difficult phases will pass, and different joys await.
  • "I'm so glad we got through the too muchness to get to this place. Now I always want more of them." (02:16)

The Poetry: "The Crux" by Megan Peak (03:03)

• Setting the Scene:
  The poem begins with the chaos of sick, sleepless children at the end of a long week.
• Repetition of “Enough”:
  The speaker lists internalized grievances and everyday frustrations, showing how overwhelming motherhood can feel.
  • "I say, enough. I say enough. And when my husband asks, enough of what? I make a list in my head, an endless list of enoughs." (03:18)
• Identity Loss:
  The poem captures the way a parent’s identity is subsumed:
  • "Another day where I'm lost in my body when my name isn't Megan but Mom or Mommy." (03:31)
• Motherhood as Repetition, Grief, and Love:
  • "What's more repetitive than the wail of a newborn, the tantrums of a human becoming more human? Love? Maybe grief. Isn't that the crux of motherhood, the knot of loving and grieving and loving and grieving, all the selves lived and unlived?" (03:40)
• Desire for Escape & Self-Preservation:
  The speaker confesses secret doubts and an urge to run away:
  • "Some days I think I've made the biggest mistake bringing children here... where I save up my sadness, stash it under mattresses and in sock drawers... where, given the chance, I'd hop the train that roars through my mind each night without looking back." (04:07)
• Poignant Honesty:
  The poem ends with a raw admission of the struggle and tenderness at motherhood’s core.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Maggie Smith on Memory and Motherhood:

  • "I think our minds protect us so that we have the courage to do it again." (01:46)
  • "I'm so glad we got through the too muchness to get to this place." (02:16)

• Megan Peak’s poem, on identity and exhaustion:

  • "Another day where I'm lost in my body, when my name isn't Megan but Mom or Mommy." (03:31)
  • "Isn't that the crux of motherhood, the knot of loving and grieving and loving and grieving, all the selves lived and unlived?" (03:45)
  • "Here, where I moonlight as someone else entirely, where, given the chance, I'd hop the train that roars through my mind each night without looking back." (04:19)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–01:21 — [Advertisements skipped]
• 01:21–03:03 — Maggie’s reflection on early motherhood and the fleeting nature of those overwhelming years
• 03:03–04:24 — Reading of “The Crux” by Megan Peak
• 04:24–end — [Outro and show information skipped]

Tone & Language

Maggie Smith brings her signature compassionate, gently reflective tone. She speaks with empathy, warmth, and candidness about the challenging and beautiful aspects of motherhood. The language of the poem itself is honest, raw, and evocative—unafraid to name the secret doubts and deep love intrinsic to parenting.

Summary

This episode of The Slowdown focuses on the intense, contradictory experiences of early motherhood: exhaustion, identity loss, deep love, and existential self-questioning. Maggie Smith validates these experiences and turns to Megan Peak’s poem "The Crux" to both name and honor them—reminding listeners that poetry can help us hold complexity and find hope amid daily life’s struggles.