Abby Howard: From Heartbreak to Hope

Summary

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The Squeeze

Episode: "Abby Howard: From Heartbreak to Hope"

Host: Taylor Lautner

Guest: Abby Howard

Release Date: June 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

This heartfelt episode of The Squeeze features a candid conversation between host Taylor Lautner and content creator Abby Howard. With both women currently pregnant—and reflecting on Abby’s return after three years—they explore the challenges and transformative power of motherhood, as well as Abby's profound journey through late pregnancy loss. Throughout the episode, Abby opens up, perhaps more publicly than ever before, about the loss of her daughter at 17 weeks, the complexities of grief, and how she's found purpose and renewed hope. This episode holds space for vulnerable truths about pregnancy, resilience, healing, and the ever-evolving capacity of mothers.

Trigger Warning: This episode contains intimate discussions of pregnancy loss and grief.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Motherhood’s Capacity to Transform

Timestamp: 06:13 – 14:48

• Abby reflects on the constantly expanding nature of motherhood:

  “My capacity has grown as my children have grown… it no longer feels like this overwhelming, heavy… I just feel so capable of doing everything that I need to get done for my kids and for growing this baby too.” (Abby, 06:13)

• She shares how initial burn-out and shame evolved into confidence as she realized love and capacity both grow with more children.
• The biggest transition? “Zero to one”—learning how to be a mom for the first time is the most profound shift.

2. Career Ambitions vs. Motherhood

Timestamp: 12:27 – 15:19

• Abby admits she’s never felt ‘career-minded’ and struggled with feeling ashamed for wanting to “just get married and have kids.”
• She describes periodic identity crises after each pregnancy, needing to get “reacquainted” with herself:

  “Looking in the mirror and just be like—we need to get reacquainted here.” (Abby, 13:13)

• Motherhood accelerates personal change; some interests return, others fall away as priorities shift.

3. Late Pregnancy Loss—A Story Shared

Timestamp: 15:19 – 20:44

• Abby details her third pregnancy, which was “perfectly planned” and felt ‘textbook’ until the 17-week scan revealed no cardiac activity.

  “The nurse couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat...we can see our baby, it’s just really still and there’s no cardiac activity...” (Abby, 17:50)

• Delivery of her daughter, Emerson, was “eerily similar to a live birth” but in the heartbreakingly different context of loss.
• The experience deepened her empathy and produced lasting, bittersweet personal growth.

4. Coping with the Unanswered ‘Why’

Timestamp: 27:51 – 31:19

• Genetic tests and minimally invasive autopsies yielded no clear cause for Emerson’s loss.
• The lack of answers was deeply distressing:

  “I’m shocked by how upsetting that was for me for so long. Like, I just wanted a why.” (Abby, 29:56)

• Abby shares the common experience of guilt and self-blame, despite medical professionals’ reassurances.

5. Choosing Hope After Loss

Timestamp: 31:20 – 34:34

• Abby describes the mix of determination and fear in deciding to get pregnant again:

  “It’s worth the cost to love again and to love another baby again. And that was actually empowering in some type of way.” (Abby, 33:00)

• Accepts both outcomes: “If the same outcome comes, it’s worth it.”

6. Navigating Grief and Recovery

Timestamp: 34:35 – 39:20

• Abby credits her husband Matt and a strong community for support—she “checked out of motherhood” for two weeks to heal.
• Grief’s physical toll: “Grief exhausts you. Like, it really does exhaust you.” (Abby, 36:57)
• Gradually reintroduced responsibilities, cautious to respect changing energy and emotional capacity.

7. Supporting Others Through Loss

Timestamp: 39:13 – 42:12

• Most helpful: friends and family directly acknowledging her loss and sharing the grief:

  “It felt really good...when they would bring it up. And what was really helpful was friends being, like, literally grieving with me.” (Abby, 39:20)

• Least helpful: avoiding the topic out of discomfort—“I’m already thinking about her constantly.”

8. Sharing Her Story Publicly

Timestamp: 48:24 – 52:46

• Making her experience public enabled Abby to find meaning in her daughter’s life and loss, and to connect and help others:

  “Me sharing the story has been such a blessing...it’s meaning-making is what it is.” (Abby, 48:38)

• She emphasizes the healing power of solidarity: other women’s “me too” messages mattered.

9. Encouragement for Grieving Women

Timestamp: 53:29 – 56:03

• The lie that “no one will understand” keeps people isolated—Abby’s experience shows support and empathy can come even from those who haven’t experienced loss themselves.

  “Just to say you’re not alone...Grief wants to convince us it will take someone that has gone through the exact same circumstances, but that is a lie.” (Abby, 53:42)

10. Mental Health and Self-Care Practices

Timestamp: 56:33 – 61:39

• Abby prioritizes physical activity for mental health, even if modified during pregnancy.
• Enjoys baths, reading fiction for gentle escapism, and group fitness for community.
• Recognizes gratitude for having the capacity to practice self-care when health allows:

  “There’s just something about moving your body...there’s a direct relationship between the physical and the mental for sure for me.” (Abby, 57:29)

11. New Podcast Launch

Timestamp: 62:04 – 64:28

• Abby describes her new podcast with her sister-in-law: “Always Here,” covering girlhood, motherhood, and everyday life.

12. Closing Reflections on Resilience

Timestamp: 64:42 – 66:45

• Abby’s hope for listeners: trust in your innate capacity to endure and rise to challenges, even those you think you could “never” face:

  “I am just so capable of showing up and being their parent and I’m uniquely capable as their mom...your circumstances are in your lap for a reason because you can do it.” (Abby, 64:42)

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Memorable Quotes

• “Moms make it happen. And I think it’s because we are constantly expanding.” (Abby, 08:02)
• “Delivering our daughter was so eerily similar to a live birth...It’s just an experience that you wouldn’t wish on anyone, but it is an experience that has grown me so much.” (Abby, 19:13 & 20:22)
• “Pain shared is pain divided.” (Abby, 42:16)
• “It’s worth the cost to love again.” (Abby, 33:00)
• “You’re not alone. Grief wants to keep you isolated, but that’s a lie.” (Abby, 53:42)
• “We are so much more capable than we believe.” (Abby, 64:42)

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Important Timestamps

• 06:13 – Abby’s reflections on how motherhood transforms and grows capacity
• 17:50 – Discovery and details of Abby’s pregnancy loss
• 27:54 – Navigating the search for answers after loss
• 31:29 – Deciding to try for another pregnancy
• 34:49 – Grieving while being a mom and public figure
• 39:20 – What helped most (and least) from friends and community
• 48:38 – Making her story public and the power of shared grief
• 53:29 – Advice for women walking through loss
• 56:33 – Abby’s ongoing self-care and mental health strategies
• 62:04 – Introduction to Abby’s new podcast “Always Here”
• 64:42 – Closing encouragement: capacity, resilience, and hope

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Final Takeaway

Abby’s story is a testament to resilience, vulnerability, and the enduring expanse of a mother’s heart. "You're not alone" is more than a mantra—it’s a call for connection, honesty, and hope through even the darkest seasons. For anyone facing loss, uncertainty, or the daily humbling of new motherhood, this episode is a compassionate companion in the journey toward healing.

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Transcript

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[Abby Howard]

The following podcast is a Dr. Media production I felt like I left one of my babies behind. Everything about that pregnancy felt perfect. I went to my 17 week appointment. The nurse said to me, we're just going to take you in for an ultrasound really quick. The nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. The doctor came in, she couldn't find it either. We can see our baby. It's just really still and there's no cardiac activity at all. Ultrasound tech just said to me, I'm so sorry, I don't have good news for you. I couldn't feel the weight of what had just happened and what she was telling me. What do we do now? What do we do now? What do we do now? I had no frame of reference for what it looked like at this point. It was so eerily similar to like a live birth. You're in the same unit as everyone else that's having babies that are alive. There's no fetal monitoring of any. It's just an experience that you wouldn't wish on anyone.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

Hello Lemon Drops. Welcome back to another episode of the Squeeze. If you are new here, hi. We are so happy to have you. Welcome to the Lemon Drop community. This week's guest is a returning guest and her name is Abby Howard. Last time Abby was here, she was joined by her husband Matt, and this time her and I sat down to talk all things girl chat, womanhood, motherhood, pregnancy and everything in between. This is a special episode because this is one of the first times that Abby's really opened up about her experience with late pregnancy loss. We dive into what that time period was like for her, her grieving journey that followed and what made her decide she was ready to be pregnant again. She also opens up about what pregnancy and motherhood have revealed to her, how much becoming a mother expands your capabilities and capacity and the Many things that have humbled her along the way. This is definitely an emotional episode. So trigger warning for anyone that may be sensitive to the topic of pregnancy loss. But as emotional as this episode is, it is so powerful to see the journey that Abby has been on. And I'm honored that she wanted to share this journey with us. So without further ado, please enjoy this episode.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Abby, welcome back to the Squeeze.

[Abby Howard]

Yes, thanks for having me.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I'm so excited to have some one on one chat because life is.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

Looks different for us.

[Abby Howard]

Totally. Last time you were here, seriously, it was.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

It was a while ago.

[Abby Howard]

It was like three years.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

I think.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah. That's like crazy.

[Abby Howard]

A long time.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

You were pregnant last time.

[Abby Howard]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Here. And you are pregnant again.

[Abby Howard]

We are.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

And now I am.

[Abby Howard]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

So maybe next time we do this, we'll both be pregnant again.

[Abby Howard]

Congrats. Let's do it. Play it back.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I was. I was curious to see if you were going to be like, no, I'm dead.

[Abby Howard]

Or if you're like, oh, no, I'm one of those people. I'm sick in the head. I could just keep going forever and ever.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I love that for you. That's not me in this moment. But maybe once I have no, that's my baby, then it'll change my perception totally. How? You never know how I go either way.

[Abby Howard]

Yeah, it's fine. Acceptable and great.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

It's fine. Okay. We start each episode off with this jar. It's a game called Citrus Got Real. If you want to pull a little piece of paper out of there.

[Abby Howard]

Is this the one I'm supposed to get?

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

It's not, but I forgot to pull.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

They fall.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

And every couple episodes I have to pull them back up. So if that's not a good one,

[Abby Howard]

it feels like it's been chosen for me. Me read it.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

Okay. If you had to narrate your own life, who would you want as the voice? Oh, oh. Someone different. Cuz I always get criticism that my voice is very annoying and I agree. Like, when I listen back to things, I'm like, oh, I don't want to listen to that either. So. But I can't really change it at this point. Yeah, let's think of someone. Yeah. I mean, we're just going to make peace with it. Let's see. I want someone with like a peaceful, calming voice.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I know. I'm like, trying to think of like, who does like those like, nature documentaries.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

Yes.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Like someone on from like. Huh.

[Abby Howard]

Who's the lady that does all the audible narrations? Honestly, that's such a boring answer. But honestly, I, like, love her voice. That's like the same person that does so many of them. This is a bad answer, but just someone that has a drastically different voice.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

The audible lady.

[Abby Howard]

The audible lady. Let's let her do it.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Mine would be Matthew McConaughey, because I just. I love him.

[Abby Howard]

Deep, soulful voice.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

Okay. Well, I guess if we're doing men too, then, like, how am I not gonna say Morgan Freeman?

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Okay, yeah, yeah, no, that's true. That's true.

[Abby Howard]

Okay. You just opened up the door for me. Yeah, no, that would be useful and calming.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I know. I read. I read Matthew McConaughey's book and I. Everyone was like, I got halfway through and everyone's like, what are you doing? You should listen to it. Because he, like, narrates it, but when I'm reading it, I hear it in his voice, like, in my head.

[Abby Howard]

Oh.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

So I.

[Abby Howard]

It's like I can already translate.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah, it's like, it's there.

[Abby Howard]

Was it called, like, Green Lights or something like that?

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

Can you listen to that one?

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Okay. I want to talk about motherhood. I mean, we are going to dive into a lot of, like, mom related topics today, which I'm excited about. But let's start with just kind of like motherhood in general, because I'm. I'm curious to know just how that experience has been for you. But I know this is maybe like a broad question, but is there something that, like, motherhood has revealed to you? Maybe something you've been noticing even, like, in this pregnancy?

[Abby Howard]

Totally. I feel like motherhood has a way of just constantly teaching me new things. I'm going to put that out there first and foremost. But something that has been so on my mind recently when it comes to motherhood is that as I have been a mom, and I truly believe this for other women's experiences too, but obviously I'm just speaking for my own. Like, my capacity has grown as my children have grown, as my number of children have grown, has. As I've been pregnant and as I've navigated loss, like, my capacity has continued to grow and grow and grow. And it's been so reassuring because I just remember, especially after having my first, like, those first weeks, I was like, how in the world am I going to do this for 18 years? And, like, it was. And I was like, every single day, like, I just felt like, so, like burnt. I remember feeling burnt out a lot. And I was. I felt a lot of shame for that. And I was also like, this is all I've ever wanted, so what in the world is wrong? But, like, just my capacity has just continued to expand so things don't feel as overwhelming, nearly as overwhelming. I feel like my energy has just grown, my patience has grown, like, and I think that's ultimately just because my love has grown and it has just. It. And it no longer feels like this overwhelming, heavy. Like, I just feel so capable of doing everything that I need to get done. Done for my kids and. And for growing this baby too. And that has just been so. It's just been so good for my confidence, like, as a mom too, because I think that was definitely a learning curve as well. But just, like, just. I always say moms make it happen. And I think it's because, like, we are con. Just constantly expanding.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And I. I don't know. That's just been a piece of encouragement that I've, like, felt recently.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I love that and I needed to hear that. And I'm sure there's a lot of love and drops that are listening that probably want to hear. I know my girlfriends definitely need to hear that as well, because that's. That's something that I think we've been struggling with. Is like, what. Because it is. It's my first. And a couple of my girlfriends that are pregnant, it's their first as well. And we're like, what? Like, what is that gonna look like after? Like, it is such an unknown. Like, Taylor and I were just in New York and we were sitting, having, like, ramen at a random, like, hole in the wall place in the middle of the day. And I, like, started getting emotional because I was like, this is like, just the two of us right now. Like, this isn't gonna, like, be like this again for, like, a long time or unless it's, you know, of course we'll go on a vacation, the two of us, some point down the line. But do you feel pressure to, like, love every moment? Like, was there ever, like, was there ever anything you went through that was kind of like you thought it was

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

going to be different?

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Kind of how? I was just talking about, like, my pregnancy. Like, maybe you thought it would be different, but it actually ended up being harder. Like, parts of motherhood.

[Abby Howard]

You're like, the whole thing. So many things, good, both good and bad. Like, I feel like there's just so many things I've just been surprised by, humbled by. And that's just simply because your journey to motherhood and through motherhood, everyone's looks so unique and I've just been reminded of that certainly after going through a season of loss, like, everyone, I mean, I, I just had a baby shower last weekend and I was just looking around the room at all the women that had shown up for me, and every one of those women were moms. And everyone had gone. I'm talking about infertility loss, adoption, ivf, like, every, like the whole range just within that small group of women around me. And I'm sure for all of us, like, going into this, if we were to like, sit down and write, like, how this is going to look, like, it would not have looked anything like what we've been dealt, you know?

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And that's also why I, like, have just been pondering on this whole thought that, like, your capacity grows as your, as the expectations on you and your life hands you new challenges and gifts and blessings. Like, it just continues to, like, grow you and shape you. But yes, I certainly remember after having my first, I always tell people that for me personally, the biggest shift was having your first. And it's, it doesn't, It's. I don't say that to discourage people at all. I actually say it to encourage people because I'm like, if you find yourself right after having. I always say no one should be able to make any big decisions after having a baby because I had such a roller coaster of emotions afterwards. And I just remember like the first. I'm talking like the very early on, I just got home from the hospital. I just remember my mom sitting me down and being like, things might not feel like you think they're going to feel. She's like, this will. This everything. The dust will settle. Everything will settle.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And I'm so glad I had her in my ear because I really did feel like I was like, so happy, so sad, so, like, so confused with, like, I didn't even know how to put. And normally I'm a blabber mouth. Like, I can talk and just tell you everything. This is why I feel this way. And this is, this is what we can do to fix it. And I just was at a loss at that point. And sure enough, moms are usually right in this way. And things started to settle. And then obviously we have new curveballs and unplanned pregnancy, pregnancy loss, and then a season of waiting. Like, all these things have just like, definitely not looked like I would have expected. But I feel so much purpose in every trial and every. Also just like a surprise, surprising blessing that's happened along the way. But specifically, I always say the hardest transition was from zero to one because you're just you for the first time learning how to be a mom. And that is just a. It's just a huge life change.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

That like you're. I fully believe it. Like you're equipped for everyone's like, fully. I was fully equipped, but I just. Sometimes you just need that reminder when everything has changed.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah, I love that. Was it hard for you to. Because I know there's a lot of talk around women not wanting to have kids because they're not wanting to give up their career or give up something or lose their purpose. I know that was kind of a thing for me. Why I, like waited so long was because I was like, well, I don't know, like, am I going to be able to do these things with work or whatever it is. And I feel like recently we've kind of been like squashing that stigma. But I'm curious if you ever dealt

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

with

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

maybe just like losing your, like, forgetting your passions, like not forgetting who you are, but like, did you ever struggle with losing those aspects of yourself?

[Abby Howard]

Yes. I have never once felt like a career woman, if that makes sense. Yeah, like, I'm very grateful for the career that I have and I feel like so much purpose in it now. But it's never been, like, I've never been career minded or ambitious in that way. And which is funny because on the dual side, I sometimes also feel like a little, or used to feel like a little ashamed for that. Like, I was like, I really just want to get married and have kids. And I felt like, afraid to say that sometimes. I was like. Because I feel like we've done so such a good job of equipping girls and young women to like, literally just do anything, do anything, do anything. But I was like, man, I just actually, that's actually the one that I want to do though. And so. But to your point, I do remember a season, I think I actually had this after every single pregnancy where I was like, I did feel like a loss of like, what do I even want to do now? Like, almost to the point. This sounds so dramatic, but I just, I. I remember this feeling of like looking in the mirror and just be like, we need to get reacquainted here. Because I was like, the things that I once thought were fun. I was like, that doesn't even sound fun. Like, literally all I want to do is sleep right now. Like, I don't. I, I just want it to be quiet when I normally love big bustling social life. I wanted to, like, I always wanted to try new things and new hobbies. And I was like, I just wanted to do things that were like, felt safe, like within the home. I remember that was like, really unsettling for me because I was like, oh, that's not me. I'm not like that.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And once again, the dust all had to settle and a lot of those interests come back. Some I'm like, that once was fun. Like, I want to say I give the example of like, we went skydiving and I was like, I was a one and done for me. Like, I'm not going to do that again. Like, I don't. Personally, I'm glad I can say I did it, but that's not of interest anymore. And so it's like some we let go of and that's just part of anyone getting older and maturing. But I think motherhood, like becoming a mom really expedites that process where it's like, okay, we're going to shed that. Take this on. Like, let's go.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Okay. I want to dive into your pregnancy loss experience, if you're good with that, for our lemon drops that don't know your story. Do you mind just kind of sharing what you went through?

[Abby Howard]

Yeah. Okay. So I think starting out talking about our pregnancy loss journey actually starts talking about just having our first. Our first. We were so excited. Got pregnant right away, had our first baby, got, you know. Okay. I shouldn't say you know, but you may find yourself after you have your first where you're just like, okay, I don't really want to get on birth control again. And like, I just need to let everything settle, get reacquainted with your body. And then there's always like, I've talking to my friends a couple scares, like, where it's like, oh, maybe. Yeah, I don't think. Surely not. I surely was. Found myself pregnant four months postpartum with our second and in quick succession had to baby boys. And life was crazy for a while. And it's crazy in a different way now, but that time I was just so much learning, so much growth and so. But we did say we're like our next one. We are going to plan perfectly. Like, we are not gonna. We're gonna not gonna be shocked. No more surprises. We did that. That was fun. That was amazing. But no more surprises. And so for my third pregnancy, it was one of those, like, perfectly planned, like, we are ready now. Like, our kids are more like adjusted. We can take on another baby. And everything about that Pregnancy felt perfect. It felt great and amazing. Every. Everything was textbook. I had gone through it twice before and everything was very similar. I still had that anxiety that I think any mom feels when early pregnancy. You just know the statistics are scary. And I just remember, like, sharing a lot of those fears with some of my friends and, and Madden's like, well, we've been to the doctor. Everything looks fine and normal. You know, everything looks great. And everything was normal. And then I went to my 17 week appointment and actually brought my whole. Like, both of our sons went and Matt was there. And that's really kind of a fluke because at this point I feel like the OB appointments had become very routine, whereas, like, everyone would always come to all of them. And then now it' like, okay, well, we're. We're surely it'll just be in and out.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And sure enough, we go in and the nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat at 17 weeks. And then the doctor came in, she couldn't find it either. And she's like, still being reassuring and comforting. And she was like, we're just gonna take. Sometimes babies do this. Like, this might be the positioning thing. Like, we're just gonna take you in for an ultrasound really quick. They take me in and we can see our baby. It's just really still and there's no cardiac activity at all. And the ultrasound tech just said to me, she was like, abby, I'm so sorry I don't have good news for you. And I think in that moment, it's like really hard to describe that feeling. Like, even now, I just feel like I couldn't feel the weight of what had just happened and what she was telling me. And it's like I just go into like, okay, what do we do now? What do we do now? What do we do now? It wasn't until things settled and actually ending up having to deliver our daughter, we didn't even know we had a girl at that point. But we went back into the room and she's like, I think we saw gender on the ultrasound. Like, do you want to know? She was like, it was a baby girl. And then I was just like, what do you even do at this point? I had heard a lot of conversation about what early miscarriage looks like. Yeah, I had no frame of reference for what it looked like at this point. And so I just had all kinds of questions. But also I just wanted to run out of that office. And so I just. It was so confusing, you know, that day. And we waited that day. And then that night we went back into the hospital and started the process of induction of like a delivery. And I always say that delivering our daughter was just, it was so eerily similar to like a live birth. You're in the same unit as everyone else that's having babies that are alive. They have like an incubator across from you that you just know that you're not going to use. And like there's no fetal monitoring of any kind. It's just, it's just an experience that you wouldn't wish on anyone. But it is an experience that has grown me like so, so much. I wouldn't say I'm. It's hard to think about this as like being grateful for, but in a way I am for just like the perspective shift that it was for me. And also just like I have so much empathy, so much more capacity for empathy now because of the experience. But yeah, that's the long winded answer for like our story of loss. But yeah, it was, it was definitely a shock. Yeah, definitely a shock.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Well, thank you for uhhuh. Sharing that. I think it's important that people know this. I mean, I don't even, I don't personally know anyone. I think I know like some like grown women, like older adults, but I don't know anyone in my personal life that has dealt with like late pregnancy loss like that. And I wouldn't even like, as you were describing that, like, I didn't, I've never even like thought about like what that process is like after finding out,

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

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[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Did they share with you what had happened?

[Abby Howard]

So we had never done genetic testing prior to this pregnancy. So the initial thought was that there was a genetic something wrong that we didn't know about. And then more as we got along the process, more the more I had to come to terms that I may never have an actual why for why this happened. And we kept thinking that we were going to get more. And so I mean, what happens when you have a late loss like this? You have to make decisions that you never ever would think that you're ever having to make. Like, I mean we had to make like we had to make arrangements for like what to do with her body. We had to make arrangements for like, do you want an autopsy? What type of autopsy do you want? And I think that it had been such a primary goal of me, of mine. I don't really know. I'm so grateful that I had this clarity of mind at this time. I don't really even know where it came from, but I just had this desire to preserve as much of her humanity as I could throughout this whole process. And I had never had to make those ethical decisions in my like, I never had to hash that out before. But I'm really at peace and grateful for the way it all had to happen. So we just decided to do minimally invasive things and we did do further labs on myself and we did seek a minimally invasive just like it wasn't invasive at all, just a visual autopsy. And we did hindsight genetic testing and I kept getting met with the answer of, like, I just. We don't. We're not really getting a good reason for why any of this would have happened. So we don't. We don't really know. And I. I'm shocked by how upsetting that was for me for so long. Like, I just wanted a why.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

I mean, rightfully so.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I'm like, it's upset for you right now in this moment.

[Abby Howard]

Yeah, we know. Yeah, I mean, we. I'm hesitant to share, like, details online of, like, we know. We know what went wrong, but we don't know why it went wrong. And I think that the reason I'm hesitant to share it online is just because I have harbored so much blame myself for what happened. Even though every professional I've ever talked to, like, absolutely not. Like, there's nothing you could have done to, like, have prevent. Have prevented this or caused this. Like, this just happens. And even me, like, Google searching, like, how could I have caused this? Like, basically, like, what are the causes of this? It's just not fitting into any one answer. And I think a lot of moms I experience loss do feel this type of, like, it's not uncommon to feel blame of, like, how could, under my protection, this happened? But, yeah, all that to say. Medically, there is no definitive answer. And I. I doubt. I want to say that I doubt that having a definitive answer would bring me more resolution, but it's hard to be on this side of that uncertainty and be like, yeah, we won't know, but here we are, you know, so don't have a good reason for why.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

How. How was that decision for you deciding to get pregnant again after that? What was that process like?

[Abby Howard]

Yes, I. I hold so much space for anyone's mindset after going through loss because I hear all kinds of things and I think every single one makes a lot of sense.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

But for me, from the very beginning of, like, I'm talking about, like, literally the day of, like, knowing of our loss, it was just very important for me to. For that to not be the end of that journey. And for people that want it to be the end, I'm like, yes. Like, that. That's so valid and makes it. It's not like, there's no judgment on that. Just as I'm like, because I wanted to get pregnant again, I never wanted to judge myself and thinking, like, oh, you're moving on or you're replacing her or these other things. Like, I felt judgment for myself in all kinds of ways. There was A lot of mixed emotions and like self negative negativity toward myself at that time. But from the beginning, I remember just like asking, I was like, what? How can we go about this in a way that's going to be more most advantageous for a future pregnancy? And because you kind of do have to think about those things when you go about, like delivering whichever way you end up making that happen. And so I remember thinking, I remember like really wanting that, but also being obviously petrified of that. Like, I was so, so terrified. And I just remember telling Matt, like, this can't. This simply can't happen again. And then the more I thought about it, I was like, but it can. Like, but it can. And that wrestling, like fully, you know, whenever you get pregnant, you know that this is something that can happen. But having gone through that experience and know detail for detail what that type of loss looks and feels like, and entering into it again, knowing this can happen again, I did feel a different type of confidence than I've ever felt before because I was thinking, I was like, no, this is still worth it. Even if I go about this and the same outcome comes, it's worth the cost to love again and to love another baby again. And that was actually empowering in some type of way. Like, to just be like, oh, I can. Like one of the worst case scenarios. There's all kinds of things that can happen, right? Yeah, one of the worst case scenarios could happen. And that will still be worth it. Will it be. Will it utterly break me and rip my heart apart and be super difficult? Yes, but it's worth it. And that just helped me take on a new pregnancy with a different type of mindset and confidence, I would say.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah. What has your grieving journey been? Like, one, because you are mom and a wife and you got two little ones running around at home. Like, how are you able to find time for yourself to grieve but also find time to grieve privately because you

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

do live your life so publicly.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Like, what was that experience? I mean, what has that experience been like for you?

[Abby Howard]

Yeah, well, for the first two weeks, I. I mean, I feel so grateful because this isn't an option for a lot of moms. But I, like, checked out of motherhood, like, I really did because I just felt like I felt like I left one of my babies behind. So I was like, I can't. Like, I can't continue. Like, so I just checked out and Matt did literally everything for our kids. And we have such an amazing community of people too. That made all of our meals that brought activities and toys for our children, like, offered to do literally anything under the sun for us at that time. And I just like, I can't tell you how crucial that was for me at that time. But Matt literally did everything. I remember, like, he literally even brushed and blow dried my hair when I was finally able to shower and like get that energy. And I was like, I can't even stand up any longer to, you know, it was just so heavy at that time. And in those two weeks, I literally did nothing but like, I didn't look at my phone forever. I didn't do, like, I didn't. I didn't make a single meal. I didn't basically see anyone except for other moms. I had gone through late loss and my therapist and I just went on walks. I journaled, I read, I read fiction actually. So many people gave me like grief books and I was just like, I can't even crack into this right now. Like, I can't. Yeah, my, my, My Brain is grief book right now. Like, I just, like, I, I found a lot of escape and fiction, but I, but that wasn't necessarily my goal. Like, I didn't, I intentionally didn't want to numb out. Like, I intentionally didn't want to like, do anything that would like, slow down that process necessarily or like. Yeah, like, I just wanted to really dive in. But fiction felt safe. Like a. Safe, like, okay, like a minute here just to like. Yeah, because it was reading, it was slow paced.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

But. So for those two weeks, I literally just checked out completely. And then like you said, you have responsibilities, you have children, you have family, you have work. And I did feel a lot of recovery from. Recovery is kind of a hard word. Right. Like, but I just felt a lot of progress in my grief through once again starting to like get bits of myself back as far as like work and kids and things like that. Just taking it on really slowly. And I just, I was amazed by how. Oh, I slept a lot. I slept a lot. And actually I've talked to other people that I've been grieving. Like it, Grief exhausts you. Like, it really does exhaust you. And I've been always kind of just like a. I love sleep, but like kind of like a high energy person. But I just felt like I had zero capacity at that point. Zero capacity for stress, for anything. Like I had zero capacity. So that slowly taking things on. And then I felt like slowly engaging in social interactions again. Like everything was just like slowly integrating back into regular life. But every Once in a while would just knock me back on my butt. Like, I promise you. Like, things that would surprise me, like, would just be like, wow, today was, like, so draining. Or doing this, which I didn't think would be anything. Like, I wasn't like, oh, this is. This might be hard. Like, I would be shocked by how much I was like, oh, that. Like, that sounds vile. Like, I don't ever want to. I don't want to do that today. Like, and just really kind of trying to listen to that, which was hard, but to just kind of, like, listen to that and know when to push myself and know when to just be like, it's. It can't happen. So it was a slow reintroduction for sure. Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

What. Throughout that time and even now, what. What words of encouragement maybe helped you? And maybe what were some things that weren't helpful? Like, people. Maybe things people said to you or just the way people maybe misunderstand pregnancy loss? What were some good things, like, for people listening that maybe have someone going through pregnancy loss?

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

What were some things that you found helpful? And maybe some other things that you didn't.

[Abby Howard]

I hold so much grace for anyone that was, like, wanting to try to comfort me. Like, I wasn't, like, just the fact that they wanted to reach out and offer condolences or prayers or thoughts or just any type of, like, addressing it. I was like, I have so much grace. Like, so I wasn't gonna, like, mince words and be like, that wasn't really. I didn't like that. But sometimes what was hard is actually when it wasn't addressed. And I. I understand that mentality because that I've been there where I'm like, I don't want to remind them. Like, I don't want to bring up this heavy thing if they're, like, finally made it out the house. And I don't want to just make them sad again. But. And I know that there might be some people that go through this. It's. Grief is so different for everyone. They say it's like a fingerprint. Like, it's so different for everyone. But for me, I was like, I'm already thinking about it. I'm already thinking about her constantly. And so it felt really good when those, especially those that were close to me were like, oh. Like, they would bring it up. And what was really helpful was friends being basically just like, literally grieving with me, like, crying with me, or just, like, talking about her and, like, asking me personal questions. Like, that might be a. That's a Personal preference for sure. But those that had like, could literally meet me where I was at and like a dark, negative place. It didn't make me feel more dark and negative. It literally, they say like pain divided is or pain shares, pain divided. And it really felt like I could offload some of that in some small way because I was like, they're carrying that with me. Like I remember I called one of my friends literally leaving the OB office and she just is crying with me. Both my sister in law is crying with me. And that meant even my OB when she was born, she was crying with me. And that, that meant a lot because it was, it also validated her life as a loss. Whereas it was like, oh, it's not just you. That is like missing Emerson. It's like Emerson is a person that's going to be missed by many because she's not just your daughter, but she's also like, like a girl that we wanted to, you know, see grow up and play with our kids or a cousin or a niece and all these different things. So that can look a lot of different ways. That can be said a lot of ways. But a lot of times I just say like, I'm heartbroken with you. Yeah, like, this absolutely sucks. This is devastating. Like saying that shockingly enough did not make me feel more devastated. Like, I don't think that was even possible. So I think that it just made me feel like the burden was just a little bit lighter that other people understood.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah, I like, I like that what you said, the shared, shared grief is divided. Grief is, it was a great pain.

[Abby Howard]

Shared is pain divided. Dr. Amen.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Honestly, it probably is. Yeah. Wise man. I love that. That's so special. I think there's so much power behind that. And everything that you said about community I completely agree with. And having like a community of friends that you feel so safe around and being able to go deep and share those like hurts and the pain with

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

is so, so, so important. Crocs have had such a moment and I honestly think it's because they figured out something most shoe brands haven't yet.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

That comfort and personality can actually live in the same shoe.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

You guys know how obsessed with my Crocs I am.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I actually don't even know how many pairs I have. Like there's too many, probably 12.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

There's so many different occasions for my Crocs and I am truly obsessed with them because the comfort is genuinely next level. Croc shoes are so comfortable. You can wear them all day and forget that you're Even wearing shoes, you can just slip them on and go. You can grab them on your way out the door and never have to sacrifice convenience for style. I also love that there's genuinely a style for everyone. Crocs shoes come in so many fun silhouettes. Some are more elevated like the classic crafted clogs which are made with 100% soft wash canvas upper. And if you like to keep it simple but enjoy little embellishments, the classic buckle clog is a great option. It comes with a cute buckle on the heel strap that adds a touch of elegance to a classic shoe.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

And then of course we have to talk about the Jibbitz because there's a

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

Jibit charm for anyone. Whether you're heading back to school, making memories with friends or going about your everyday life, Crocs just fit into it all. Visit crocs.com or a store near you to find your perfect pair of classic clocks. I feel like we talk a lot about what we want from a workout in terms of results, but we don't talk enough about what we actually want to feel while we're doing it. Like fully in it and present, not thinking about what's next or on your to do list or whether you're doing it right. And that's honestly why Peloton has been such a game changer. Peloton helps you unlock all the expansive, joyful feelings you get through movement with the Peloton Cross Training Tread plus Powered by Peloton iq, Peloton IQ provides intelligent strength coaching so you can stay in the moment. It sees every rep, reads every movement, and coaches you through it in real time. So the only thing you have to actually think about is how good the movement feels. There's no second guessing, no pausing to look something up, no wondering if we're doing it right. It just takes care of all of that so you don't have to. And what I love most is that it builds a workout roadmap that's completely yours. Peloton IQ learns what moves you and creates weekly class recommendations led by instructors who match your mood and vibe. Let yourself run, lift, fail, try and go explore peloton cross training tread [e-mail] okay, I feel like summer is when you really start paying attention to what you're actually drinking. Like you're reaching for something cold constantly after a workout, sitting outside or on a road trip, whatever it is, and it starts to matter a little more that what you're grabbing actually tastes good and feels good. And that's honestly why Spindrift has become such a non negotiable for me. Spindrift is the only sparkling water in America made with real squeezed fruit and you genuinely could taste taste the difference the second you open one. It's not just carbonation with a subtle hint of flavor, it's actual flavor because there's actual fruit in it. Real fruit tastes better. And that's just the spin drift difference. I've been really into the island punch lately. It tastes so bright and tropical, which honestly feels perfect for this time of year. And I always have the raspberry lime on rotation because you can actually taste the raspberries in it, which sounds obvious but is genuinely rare in a sparkling water. And I love that it's unsweetened with no added sugars, just a few calories from the real squeezed fruit itself. Spindrift has honestly become my go to pregnancy drink. When I need a little flavor, it's nice knowing the ingredients that I'm putting in my body. It's one of those things where you can just feel the difference in quality and once you know, you really can't go back. Our listeners get 15% off on their next order of spend Spindrift. Visit drinkspendrift.com and use code TAY at checkout for 15 off your site. Wide purchase, 1 use per customer, valid through 1231 26. Not valid on subscription orders. That's D r I N K S P I N-R-I-F-T.com use code TAY for 15 off your next order. I feel like there are certain pieces that just just work their way into your weekly wardrobe rotation without even planning it. And that's exactly what happened with the Lululemon Flow Y dress. I've honestly been a fan of the Flow Y bra for so long. So when Lululemon took that same Y razorback and the buttery soft Nulu fabric and built it into a whole dress, I was immediately obsessed. Like they took the one thing everyone already loved and just gave us more of it. And the Nulou fabric is genuinely everything. It feels so weightlessly light on your body. I always describe it as barely there, like you forget you're even wearing it. It's sweat wicking and four way stretch, so it moves with you completely. And the Y e racer back gives you this beautiful wide range of motion through your shoulders. That just feels so freeing. There's nothing restrictive about it at all. What I keep coming back to is how effortlessly it transitions. I'll wear it to a Morning class and then just keep it on for the rest of the day. Getting coffee, running errands, not needing to change. Once the built in shelf bra gives you real support. There are pockets, there's a shorts liner underneath so you're fully covered. It genuinely does everything without looking like workout clothes. It looks like an actual outfit. I wear Lululemon. And you should too. Seriously, if you've been sleeping on this collection, don't wait. Go to lululemon.com right now. New styles drop all the time and the colors go fast, so don't wait. And if something doesn't work for you, free returns always. That's lululemon.com lululemon.com if I did want

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

to ask, what was the decision like for you to share about your pregnancy loss online, publicly, how did you guys talk through that? What was that? What was that decision like?

[Abby Howard]

Totally. I actually should have brought that up earlier because that was actually a huge milestone for me. And my grief journey was like, being public about our daughter Emerson and talking about her story. So in grief, like, just like what they talk about in the realm of like, psychology, I know there's like stages of grief and one of like the most advanced stages of grief is like, meaning making. And I feel like sharing her story, like, even having the opportunity to share, like, on your platform too and like on other podcasts I've been on has been like a way that I have been able to like, channel this grief into making meaning of her loss in a, in a way that I'm, I feel so grateful that I get to because we have these platforms, we have listeners that can hear. And I'm telling you, like, we were just in Disneyland and this mom came up to me and she had just lost a baby girl at 17 weeks. Like, weeks prior to being there, she said, I always like to go to Disney when I am pregnant, like at this stage of pregnancy, because you feel good. And we had this trip planned. And she's like, we almost didn't come because they had experienced like, you know, the unimaginable loss. But she's like, I still decided to come, like, for my kids. And I had been in that exact position. And she had listened to our podcast too, and just saying that, like, it goes, I'm saying this in so many different types of ways, but I'm saying it goes both ways. Like, me sharing the story has been such a blessing. But then also, like, hearing how Emerson's story has played some part of a role in their grief is also just so healing too. Like, it's, like, it's just. It's meaning. Making is what it is. But, yeah, I remember feeling so, like, how in the world am I gonna put words to this? But I spent those first two weeks literally just writing and journaling, and I felt like I had, like, a good snapshot of what that moment felt like. And I was like, I never want to exactly forget where I personally am with this. And I also feel so much purpose in making this public, too. And I'm glad that, like, I have that. And I'm. I'm so glad that, like, maybe I didn't say everything, you know, that's how I felt in that moment, you know, and so it's been. It's been. It was very difficult to do, but also, I just. I felt so much purpose in filming and getting those words out there. And, yeah, I remember at that moment I was like, even if no one listens to this, I'm so glad that we had this documentation of, like, this conversation, as heartbreaking and difficult as it was, but then to have that other side of it of, like, other women that have walked through and said, me too, or, like, I never thought this would happen, but, like, you know, it's been, like, about seven months at this. Eight months at this point. And other people like that have since found it, and it's. I hate that they've gone through that. Like, I hate that, like, actually so, so much. But I. I'm glad that they could maybe possibly feel less alone because of putting it out there. Because it is a love that it isn't on. Your odds aren't typical and that. You know what I mean, you have those statistics and it's not typical, but it still happens. And so. And I think anyone of any type of loss can relate, for sure. So that's so true. Yeah, I felt a lot of purpose in that.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah, that's something that I feel like I found a lot of purpose in, is just sharing about my pregnancy. And it's so. I've never interacted with my audience before like this. Like, I've never gotten so many DMS from women saying, I'm six weeks or I'm in 30 weeks, whatever. It. Like, it's. There's just so many. We're all good, like, walking through this. And I think, you know, having a platform, it's not our responsibility to. But I think it's important that we do really share what's going on because there's so many women that are going through this, and it's important for us to, like, share it and.

[Abby Howard]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Make people feel less alone. Because that's.

[Abby Howard]

And to that point, too, it's like, I had. I had already surpassed that point of, like, okay, you know, you. The threshold of, like, okay, we'll tell our friends at this point of the pregnancy, and then we'll post on social media. At this point, I had surpassed all of that. You know, and so there was. And now I'm of the type of thing where I'm like, well, at this point, I will just share with anyone close to me because I know that there's never any guarantees with this journey.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And that's. That's devastating on one hand, but it's also freeing on the other. It's like, yeah, it will be what it will be. And so true. That has been a unfortunate but beautiful reminder.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah. What would you say to women listening right now that are quietly carrying grief and loss and walking through that season of life?

[Abby Howard]

Gosh, it's so hard because, like, in those times, it's just, like, there are no words just to say, like, you're not alone. And I know that sounds, like, so cliche, but grief has a way of just wanting to isolate you, and it can keep its grips on you really deep when you're alone, too. And so I can also just say, like, I feel like sometimes with grief, it can make. It could make me feel like no one is going to understand. Not one of my friends that I would talk to. Like, okay, I do. I did. I was so grateful that I was able to find some women, but some of the people that I even had the most, like, I found, like, pivotal in my grief journey had never experienced even an early miscarriage. And I think sometimes grief wants to convince us that it will take someone that has gone through the exact same circumstances you have been through the exact same type of loss at the exact gestation, at the exact type of delivery. And the surprise element of it, the missed miscarriage, like, it'll take that for you to feel like you have some type of support for where you're at right now. And that. I believe that is a lie, because I'm telling you, the people that have been so helpful to me and so critical had never even experienced anything like that. And it wasn't like I was thinking the whole time. But you don't know. Not once. Not once. And so just being willing to question that when grief is trying to say, like, don't even tell them, because they're not gonna know. They don't know. They only. Which there's some element of, like, yeah, they don't know, but it doesn't mean that there. There's not something, like, so crucial for you within that relationship and, like, being vulnerable in that. So, yeah, that's. That's the nuance to you're not alone that I can offer.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

But, yeah, our lemon drops listening, hear me say, you're not alone all the time. And it's something I always say. Exactly what you said. It's so cliche, and it's like the most overused slogan in any form of mental health. Anything. But there is so much truth to it, and it really not. It just makes it.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

I don't want to say easier to

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

walk through, but knowing that you are not the only person going through it and knowing there's someone else does take a little bit of the, oh, my gosh, I am the only one to going, oh, someone actually can understand or someone can even just empathize. Like, what you were saying, you know, your friends that hadn't walked through loss at all, but were able to empathize with you, I think is so. It's so crucial and it's so important for us to, like, remember that as

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

we walk through all of the things

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

that life throws at us. Getting into mental health. What. What is prioritizing your mental health look like for you today?

[Abby Howard]

For me, like, this very day, yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Why not?

[Abby Howard]

Well, that's the problem, because we're traveling today.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

No, I'm just. We're in the same season of life that you're in.

[Abby Howard]

Totally.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

You're like, there's no mental health today, actually, because there's too many flights.

[Abby Howard]

No, it's my husband. We get. We ne. This is very special. Like, we don't. We aren't away from the kids very much. Just, like, hopping for a day trip is, like, seriously. So it is really special. But honestly, this is also, like, there's science behind this for a reason. Activity really helps me. And obviously I'm not moving like I used to, but, like, even just going on a walk or just showing up at the gym and modifying literally everything and, like, spending half the time in the bathroom because I surely have to pee the entire time.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

But working out really just does something hormonally to just make me feel so much better.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I don't know.

[Abby Howard]

I always. This is not proven in any way whatsoever, but I always tell my husband, like, I have high testosterone, so I just gotta get my rage out and I gotta lift and, like, I'm not doing anything crazy. Crazy. But there's also something about the fact that I do group fitness. So I see the same girls that I like, love dearly every single day. I get to take my kids with me. They love it too. They have, like a child area. I'm telling you, working out just really. And also I just feel like it's such a gift too, because when I think about my mom's pregnancy and like my mother in laws, my grandma's, like, they were like, don't move, sweetheart. Like you're pregnant. Like, it's not. Please just stay still. It's like, what? What did you expect? I need to do something. Yeah. I need to move. And obviously I'm not doing anything crazy, but just that element of moving your body just, it gets the thoughts moving, it gets the emotions moving. I feel like when I'm stagnant, my brain is stagnant. So there's like a direct relationship between the physical and the mental for sure. For me.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

Yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I think that's what made my first trimester, like, even more hard, was that I literally, like, could not, like, get up and do anything. And I'm such a busy body. Like, even just like, watching Taylor, like, load the dishes in the dishwasher wrong, he's gonna laugh at me if he hears this because I have problems with how things need to be loaded in the correct order. But, like, just watching him, I mean, he's helpful, he's doing everything around the house, but he's like, doing it like, quote unquote wrong. And I'm just like, watching him like, laying there, like, I can't even, like, put the dishes in the, like, just. I feel like not being able to move really messes with your brain if you are that type of personality. And now I feel better. Now I can, like, do things, which is so. I'm so grateful for because I really, like, mentally needed that. And I think that's just, like, made it worse.

[Abby Howard]

I do need to say that with a caveat of, like, so much gratitude that I feel good enough to be able to do that.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

But don't get wrong. Some days I'm like, no, that sounds like the worst thing. But every single time I'm like, I'd be so glad.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah. I was just about to say, like, on. It's a, you know, it's a double sided coin. There's yin and yang to everything that we're talking about.

[Abby Howard]

But some people literally can't. Like, I was actually on pelvic rest for a while this pregnancy. Oh, wow. And I couldn't and So I had to find other ways to move my body that were safe.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And I was like, oh, my gosh, what am I gonna do? Because. And I wasn't worried about my physique, certainly. I was like, what is my. What's gonna happen to my brain in this month of pelvic rest month plus, you know, so.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah, no, that's. It's. It's so true. I. I feel that for sure. Are there any other, like, favorite self care or like healing tools that you use that.

[Abby Howard]

I love taking a bath. It's so basic, but just. I love it.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

I just. I need to do it.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

This is dumb. But we can take baths. Pregnant.

[Abby Howard]

Yes.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

They just can't be like, hot.

[Abby Howard]

Super hot.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I've just been scared to like, do it. But I think I'm at. I think I'm at the point now where like, I actually, like, need to.

[Abby Howard]

It will be very peaceful for you.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I think I need especially.

[Abby Howard]

Yeah. Now, like with just the warm water, just like the joints.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

It's. I audibly exhale. I'm like, yeah. Kidding. It takes. Well, people give birth in the bathtub.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

That's crazy.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

No, that's true.

[Abby Howard]

It's amazing.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I know. I'm excited for summer because one of my girlfriends, she's due actually next week, but she has been swimming and she said when she is in the pool, that too. She literally feels so much better because it's just like there's no gravity.

[Abby Howard]

Seriously.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

So I'm like itching to get in water.

[Abby Howard]

Seriously. I feel like that also is just the quiet. Like, I'm just like, yeah, here we are. So good. Yeah. That I love. I love bass. I love reading too.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

Which I've already talked about a lot. But those are both elements of self

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

care making me want to go grab my Kindle.

[Abby Howard]

Seriously. Just get cozy. My little thing on YouTube, like library vibes. Yep.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Huh. I. Every morning I put jazz music on the tv.

[Abby Howard]

You're already there. You're ready.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I'm there, I'm there. I'm ready. I'm trying to get like these little things, things lined up before I have a baby so that after like the craziness season, like dies down and I like. We have like a routine of like, you know.

[Abby Howard]

Oh, yeah.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Just like started right off the bat.

[Abby Howard]

You'll be in that bubble. It's so.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

I'm.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I'm excited. I. Part of me is like, I'm ready for it and the other part of me is like, no, totally.

[Abby Howard]

That's how I feel. I'm like, we're ready.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

That makes you feel better.

[Abby Howard]

No, we are not. Yeah, you gotta be.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yep. I. There's no choice. This baby's coming out of me one way or the other. Seriously, since you were here last, you launched another podcast?

[Abby Howard]

Yes.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Can you tell me about your podcast that you're doing?

[Abby Howard]

Yes. At the top of the year, I started a podcast with my sister in law. Her name is also Abby Howard. And I feel like we just exhaust people because we just think it's so cool that we have the same name. Like, oh, Abby Howard. Which is where always here started. And it's the. Ah. But also we always are just like always here for each other. Always here, like to talk whatever you need to say. And so she's a part of it. And my other sister in law, Addie, just to make it more confusing and also fit perfectly. Abby. Abby. And Addie is. Yeah, yeah. It's just the three of us too.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Oh, wow.

[Abby Howard]

So it's. We're all, we're all really close and it's very unique. I feel like, to be so close. And I've known her for a decade. I've known my sister in law, Addie for years now too. And so it's really just girl, mom, wife chat.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

It's great. I see the clips all the time and I love them. I don't really watch podcasts. I'm more of a clip, a podcast girly. But it looks like you guys are having like the best time. I actually really love what you guys talk about too.

[Abby Howard]

Thank you. It's so funny. We just like everything, girlhood, honestly. And we have like several segments on there. Like, we share a recipe every week for like, I think a lot of us are in a stage of life where you're like new wives or new moms. You're like, what? I. That's honestly, the trial of every day is like, what am I gonna put on the table?

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And so that's just a fun segment. We have a segment that's. Wow, that's crazy because I try to take a big step away from like scrolling social media. And my sister in law's especially Addie is very good about pop culture. And so I feel like for those other moms that feel like you don't have space for pop culture, it's like, like, oh, you get a little taste of what's going on in a non gospy, non salacious type of way.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Yeah, that's great.

[Abby Howard]

And it's good for me. I'm like, I'm learning. We also have a book club. We have. It's just, it's just girl fun times. And I honestly am just, I feel so proud secondhand of the community that we have fostered there because I'm just like every single one of them. I literally feel like friends with like in a way that is just, just more intimate than anything I've ever done online. So it's really cool. It's really fun.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I love that.

[Abby Howard]

And I'm like, how do I get to call this work? I'm just chatting with my sister in laws that are also like my best friends. So yeah, it's really fun.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

I love that. Okay, last question I have for you is what do you hope people take away from this episode? This episode or your story? Journey, Grief, loss experience?

[Abby Howard]

Yeah, I mean I just keep thinking of the word capacity. And I very naively had said so many times before experiencing miscarriage or experiencing trials in pregnancy. I could never do that. I could never. I couldn't. I just, I simply couldn't. And that was, that was completely lies. Like, like I just believe that in all of us we are so much more capable than we believe. We are so much stronger. And that has been, that has just been the, the theme of all of motherhood for me, for all four of my babies that I've had like, is I am just so capable of showing up and being their parent and I'm uniquely capable as their mom and like Matt is uniquely capable as their dad. And we can show up every day and we can see just make. Have failure after failure. We can, you know, keep trying again. And sometimes we still feel burnt out and we don't feel super paused about every single thing. But like it is within all of us to rise to that occasion. And yeah, I think that's what I just hope that everyone feels like encouraged in some way that your circumstances are in your lap for a reason because you can do it.

[Podcast Host (Intro and Ads)]

Yeah.

[Abby Howard]

And yeah, I just, I feel very grateful for everything that has happened in a way that I never thought I would have been able to feel early on. So if you're in an early point of your grief, like, and if I would have heard that, I would have been like, oh, shut up. Like, no, that's not true. I'm never going to feel that way. Like I literally, with confidence I was like, I'm going to never feel that way. And it's like, I do, I do. And I feel there's so much, there's so much joy ahead. And so then you're capable to get through it. I love that. Thank you.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

Really brought it full circle. I love it. Well, thanks for. Thanks for coming and chatting.

[Abby Howard]

Thank you for having me.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

So good to see you. And love that we're both pregnant. We're gonna do this again when we're both pregnant again and call it a day. I love it. I'll leave links to podcasts and all the fun.

[Abby Howard]

Love to have you.

[Podcast Host (Interviewer)]

All the fun stuff.

[Abby Howard]

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.