The Thais Gibson Podcast – Episode Summary
Episode Title: 10 Signs You Have a Disorganized Attachment Style
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: September 24, 2025
Episode Overview
In this insightful episode, Thais Gibson dives deeply into disorganized (fearful avoidant) attachment style, breaking down the top 10 signs that you might have this attachment pattern. Thais explains the complexity of disorganized attachment, often marked by a push-pull dynamic of craving connection but fearing vulnerability and commitment. Through personal anecdotes, vivid examples, and therapeutic insights, she clarifies the differences between anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant styles, aiming to help listeners identify these traits in themselves or others.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Attachment Style Misidentification
- Many people misclassify their attachment style, often confusing anxious-preoccupied for fearful-avoidant due to overlapping traits.
- Key Insight: If you exhibit both strong anxiety about abandonment and equally powerful instincts to withdraw or push others away, you may actually be fearful-avoidant (disorganized) rather than just anxious.
“There’s a massive group of people who start off thinking that they’re anxiously attached … yet don’t recognize they are also deactivating, pulling away, shutting down, even pushing others away with force.”
— Thais Gibson [00:17]
2. Flip-Flopping Between Fearing Abandonment & Commitment
- Fearful-avoidants swing like a pendulum—one moment desperate for closeness, the next terrified of feeling trapped or vulnerable.
- This erratic pattern is rooted in chaotic, unpredictable relationships in childhood.
“You may find yourself … one day feeling this like fear of losing somebody … and literally the very next day or even that same day thinking, ‘Wait, I’m scared. I’m scared of committing. I’m scared of feeling trapped.’”
— Thais Gibson [01:06]
[00:58] – Main Sign #1: The rapid switch from needy to withdrawn.
3. Activation & Deactivation Behaviors
- Alternating between anxious “activating” strategies (seeking closeness, fearing abandonment) and avoidant “deactivating” behaviors (withdrawing, pushing away, saying harsh things).
- These swings are often unpredictable.
[02:58] – Main Sign #2: Swinging between needing people close and aggressively creating distance.
4. Jumping to Conclusions & Hypervigilance
- Frequently assuming the worst, leaping to conclusions, and being hyper-alert to possible negative outcomes.
- Hypervigilance is a protective adaptation from chaotic past environments.
“You’re kind of forced to jump the gun and look at worst case scenarios because there’s these extreme events taking place.”
— Thais Gibson [05:07]
[04:08] – Main Sign #3: Habitual suspicion and emotional forecasting of danger/abandonment.
5. Fear of Helplessness and Relying on Others
- Deep discomfort with feeling out of control or dependent, leading to a strong need for self-reliance and reluctance to ask for help.
“There’s this really big fear of feeling out of control. … The idea that they have to rely on somebody else to get their needs met makes them feel very afraid.”
— Thais Gibson [07:22]
[06:50] – Main Sign #4: Reluctance to trust others with their needs.
6. High Empathy with Porous Boundaries
- Often very empathetic and tuned in to others’ emotions—sometimes projecting their own fears onto others (sympathy vs. empathy).
- Tendency to “fix” others to maintain peace or security.
“There’s a lot of energy put into making others okay … if others are not okay, I won’t be okay.”
— Thais Gibson [09:50]
[09:20] – Main Sign #5: Emotional permeability and caretaking.
7. Struggling with Boundaries
- Difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, leading to feeling taken advantage of or burning out.
- May over-extend for others, then overreact and push them away.
“They tend to be boundaryless and then eventually get frustrated and upset and feel like they have to go into that avoidant side and push people away.”
— Thais Gibson [12:05]
[11:22] – Main Sign #6: Boundarilessness, followed by withdrawal/anger.
8. Emotional Intensity and Regulation Problems
- Prone to extreme, hard-to-manage emotions such as hurt, anger, betrayal, and pervasive anxiety.
- “All or nothing” thinking is common, linked to traumatic backgrounds.
[14:10] – Main Sign #7: Intense, sometimes overwhelming emotional swings.
9. Vulnerability Paradox—One-way Connections
- Skilled at eliciting vulnerability from others but hesitant to reciprocate with their own true vulnerabilities.
- May over- or under-share, but rarely divulge what actually makes them feel exposed.
“You seem very vulnerable about things that you may not actually be vulnerable about.”
— Thais Gibson [16:10]
[15:58] – Main Sign #8: Drawing others out without authentically opening up in return.
10. Extreme Guilt and Shame Cycles
- Strong self-recrimination, including guilt over pushing others away aggressively or shame from internalized negative self-talk.
- Often mirrored from upbringing or relationships where harsh criticism was common.
“You may shame yourself and be really harsh to yourself in your own internal dialogue … we internalize and that becomes our own internal dialogue in our adult lives.”
— Thais Gibson [18:21]
[18:10] – Main Sign #9: Harsh inner critic and cycles of guilt/shame.
11. Activation-Deactivation Loop Revisited
- The classic pendulum of going toward others, then away—sometimes in quick succession—without clear external triggers. This “loop” is a hallmark of disorganized attachment.
[19:30] – Main Sign #10: Unpredictable swings in seeking/cutting off connection.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
“Love is wonderful and love is terrifying. … That can also be because parents are fighting a lot in the home. … It leads fearful avoidants in their adult life until they do reprogramming around this to feel like, ‘I want this thing and it really scares me.’”
— Thais Gibson [03:05] -
“Vulnerability really goes hand in hand with depth and real connection in relationships.”
— Thais Gibson [17:55]
Important Segment Timestamps
- 00:17 – Why attachment styles are often misidentified
- 01:06 – The anxious/avoidant “pendulum swing”
- 04:08 – Hypervigilance and suspicion in relationships
- 06:50 – Control issues and fear of helplessness
- 09:20 – Empathy, sympathy, and emotional boundaries
- 11:22 – Boundary struggles and over-extension
- 14:10 – Emotional intensity and trauma roots
- 15:58 – Vulnerability paradox and sharing patterns
- 18:10 – Internalized shame and guilt cycles
- 19:30 – Activation/deactivation explained
Takeaways
- Disorganized (fearful avoidant) attachment is marked by unpredictable emotional patterns and complex relational struggles—most notably, a rapid pendulum swing between craving closeness and fearing entrapment or rejection.
- Recognizing these signs in yourself or others is the first step toward greater awareness and healing.
- Thais emphasizes the importance of reprogramming these patterns through self-awareness, boundary work, and safe vulnerability.
For further self-discovery and actionable steps, listeners are encouraged to check out Thais Gibson’s resources such as the 'Discover, Embrace and Fulfill Your Personal Needs' course.