Episode Overview

Main Theme:
In this episode, Thais Gibson explores five deeply revealing confessions that individuals with a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style commonly share during counseling—but rarely, if ever, express to partners or loved ones. Drawing from years of client experience, Thais unveils the hidden struggles avoidants face in relationships, what drives their emotional distance, and the internal blocks that keep them stuck. The episode aims to foster empathy, understanding, and actionable steps for those in (or loving someone with) a dismissive avoidant attachment style.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. "Maybe They're Better Off with Somebody Else"

• Summary:
  Thais begins with a confession often heard from DAs: the belief that their partner would be better off with someone else, because they feel fundamentally incapable or unfit for relationships.
  • "Maybe they're better off with somebody else because I just don't know if I'm cut out for relationships." (Thais, 01:00)
• Deeper Meaning:
  • This isn’t about actual incapacity, but reflects learned helplessness and the inability to communicate needs.
  • DAs often haven’t seen vulnerability modeled in childhood, so don't know how to co-regulate or express needs.
  • Their guard is constantly up, making emotional fulfillment in relationships nearly impossible.
• Notable Quote:

  "If you literally feel like you're going to go into relationships, not be vulnerable, not emotionally rely on somebody and not get your needs met, of course, relationships lose their capacity to fulfill you." (Thais, 02:11)

2. "It Feels Unsafe to Get Close"

• Summary:
  The urge to withdraw or pull away as a relationship deepens is driven by a deep-seated sense of emotional unsafety.
  • DAs won’t say “I feel unsafe,” but instead describe an urge to run or doubt things as intimacy increases.
• Core Insight:
  • Vulnerability is equated to weakness or danger.
  • Rooted in an internal lack of trust that others will be there for them, or will meet their needs.
• Notable Dialogue:

  "When I start getting close to somebody, I just get this urge to run...the closer I get to somebody, the more I feel this need to pull away." (Thais, 03:03, paraphrasing DA clients)
  "Does it feel emotionally unsafe to get close? And they would say, yeah, basically." (Thais, 03:55)

3. Shame and Sensitivity to Feedback

• Summary:
  DAs harbor a core sense of shame that surfaces in relationships, particularly around criticism—even minor or constructive feedback.
• How It Manifests:
  • Feedback feels like a direct attack on their character, not just their behavior.
  • Rooted in childhood emotional neglect: as children, DAs internalized the idea that unmet needs meant they were defective or “broken.”
• Implications:
  • This extreme sensitivity can make healthy relationship feedback difficult unless both partners communicate with great care.
• Notable Quote:

  "Even if somebody said, 'Oh, you folded the laundry wrong' to them, it was like they hear, 'I am wrong, I am broken, I am defective at my core.'” (Thais, 05:22)

4. Profound Aversion to Conflict

• Summary:
  Contrary to appearances, DAs aren't indifferent to conflict—they find it extremely distressing and can be affected for days afterward.
• Common Misconceptions:
  • Their avoidance is interpreted as apathy, but it’s more an inability to handle the confusion and helplessness conflict brings.
  • DAs often don’t know how to express their feelings in the moment, so they withdraw.
• Key Takeaway:
  • Successful long-term relationships require DAs to learn and practice healthy conflict communication.
• Notable Quote:

  "They really don't like conflict. They get really sort of broken down by conflict, essentially." (Thais, 06:29)

5. "I Don’t Get My Needs Met in Relationships"

• Summary:
  Perhaps the most surprising admission: despite partners’ efforts, DAs often feel their core needs aren’t met. This often leaves their loved ones confused and frustrated.
• Deeper Explanation:
  • DA needs (freedom, autonomy, appreciation, acceptance) often go unspoken and thus unmet.
  • Partners may try to meet needs using their own attachment lens (e.g., anxious partners seeking closeness), missing what the DA really values.
  • The lack of self-awareness and communication leaves both parties feeling misunderstood.
• Notable Quote:

  "A lot of dismissive avoidants will say, I feel like I don't actually get a lot of my needs met in relationships." (Thais, 08:04) "Empathy is really big for them. Supportiveness, acceptance, like feeling not criticized and not judged, is huge." (Thais, 09:21)

• Summary Statement:

  "A lot of times they have all these needs over here. And so they'll often feel like, yeah, as relationships go on, I just feel like I drift further and further away from somebody and I feel less and less understood." (Thais, 09:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On learned helplessness:

  "It's not that this person’s not capable or not cut out to be in a relationship ... it was more a representation of them not knowing how to work through those things." (Thais, 02:00)

• On the core of DA struggles:

  "That's where you see a lot of that internalized shame." (Thais, 05:49)

• On the necessity of communication:

  "For a dismissive avoidant to ever be able to stay in a long term, healthy relationship, they have to learn to communicate and do conflict in a healthy way." (Thais, 07:03)

• On partners’ frustration:

  "I tried so hard to meet their needs." (Thais, 08:20, paraphrasing partners of DAs)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00 — 01:40: Introduction; DA worldview & capacity issues
• 01:41 — 03:56: "Better off with someone else" & roots of learned helplessness
• 03:57 — 05:41: Emotional unsafety & urge to withdraw when close
• 05:42 — 07:05: Shame, criticism, and feedback sensitivity
• 07:06 — 08:03: Aversion to conflict & its consequences
• 08:04 — 10:01: Unmet needs in relationships and communication gaps

Insights for Listeners

• Dismissive avoidant partners are often misunderstood—not out of a lack of caring, but because of deeply ingrained defense mechanisms from childhood.
• Progress is possible: as DAs open up in counseling, these hidden struggles can be addressed, leading to much greater relational fulfillment.

Takeaway

Understanding the private struggles of dismissive avoidant partners can create new empathy and better pathways to connection. Thais Gibson encourages listeners to approach DAs with patience, and emphasizes that growth, vulnerability, and relational security are attainable—for everyone.