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So probably the most confusing attachment style to the vast majority of people is of course, the dismissive, avoidant. And in today's video, I want to share with you some of the things I would see in counseling and coaching sessions with the dismissive, avoidant attachment styles when they would start to over time, build trust and really open up about their own inner world and how they saw themselves when it comes to dating. Her name is Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. I hope I pronounce her name properly. Thai Gibson. I am so excited for you to be here with me today. Thank you for joining us. So let's talk about the five most common things that I would hear. First and foremost, I would hear all the time, maybe they're better off with somebody else. Okay, so this is the thing I would hear like early on into sessions, if somebody came in to specifically work on their relationship because they had dismissive avoidance of this huge belief that they will usually not tell people for years they can be in a relationship forever and not even share with their partner. But over time when I would work with dismissive, avoidant clients and they would start to do the work and become more secure and start opening up and being better at vulnerability, these would be things I would hear all the time. So they would say things like, oh, maybe they're better off with somebody else because I just don't know if I'm cut out for relationships. And really the sad part of this, and it became like a happy thing when people do the work. But you know, the sad part of this is that what this actually represents is not that this person's not capable or not cut out to be in a relationship and they just simply can't do it. And it's not for them, no, it would be about they were stuck in a state of learned helplessness where they didn't know how to convey their needs. And so they would feel like their needs just couldn't be met. And they also wouldn't be able to co regulate as a result. So they wouldn't feel like, okay, I can really truly let my guard down and rely on somebody and let myself open up emotionally and be more vulnerable. And because I can't do those things, relationships actually don't have the capacity to fulfill me as much. Like imagine that you're sitting here watching this video right now and basically a lot of your needs are not going to be met from your partner because you're not actually going to communicate them. And they can Only mind read so much and you're literally in a position where you feel like you can't be emotionally connected and really rely on somebody because your guard's up. Like, if you literally feel like you're going to go into relationships, not be vulnerable, not emotionally rely on somebody and not get your needs met, of course, relationships lose their capacity to fulfill you. Makes perfect sense, right? And so somebody would feel this way, and it was more a representation of them not knowing how to work through those things and not knowing what that actually looks like because they didn't have modeling in their own childhood and experiences. And so they would think, okay, I'm simply not capable like everybody else. But really that was just what they would say when it was an unknown that they could do those things and that they would produce different results in relationships and then allow them to get more of their needs met and feel much more fulfilled by relationships and because of that unknown subconscious block that would keep them really stuck. So number two, another huge thing I would see, and they wouldn't phrase it this way, but I would poke at it until I got this kind of wording is basically that it feels unsafe to get close. So the way that it would usually come out in dismissive avoidance language is like, yeah, well, when I start getting close to somebody, I just get this urge to run. Sometimes I just get this urge to pull away. I start really doubting things. It's almost like the closer I get to somebody, the more I feel this need to pull away. And a lot of when I would go into it and dig into it more with them, I would say, well, what does it actually feel like? What is that urge to run away? What's underneath that? And eventually we would get to, well, if I'm too vulnerable, I'm going to be weak or hurt. And basically, as a result, it feels. And I would say, does it feel usually dismissive Avoidance would never use this language themselves. But I would say, does it feel emotionally unsafe to get close? And they would say, yeah, basically. And so you would get this kind of conversation, like where they are scared that they're going to be weak or helpless if they rely on people, they don't really trust that people will come through for their needs and be there and meet them. And the idea of relying on somebody and really getting close just feels emotionally unsafe as a result. Okay, so that's number two. Number three. And there's some really surprising ones as we keep going. But number three, this is a more obvious one, Dismissive ones would say, yeah, I Feel a lot of shame in relationships. Again, dismissive avoidance. Wouldn't tell me this. On session number one, I would really be moving them in this direction of asking questions. And eventually they would usually say things like, I just feel this really rotten feeling. I just feel like this searing kind of feeling of embarrassment sometimes. And we would talk about it and it would be like that. When they felt criticized, when they felt put down, they would realize that this wasn't just. Even if somebody said, oh, you folded the laundry wrong to them, it was like, they hear, I am wrong, I am broken, I am defective at my core. Not like, oh, I did something wrong. Because when we have this childhood emotional neglect experience in our background and history, what that essentially means is that you grow up thinking and feeling and experiencing like, why can't I get my needs met for my caregiver? Why can't I connect to them in this way? Wow, there must be something wrong with me. I must be defective at my core because a child can't conceive of like, oh, my parents are emotionally unavailable, or my parents should be doing things differently. That's not how a child minds process. And so that's where you'll see a lot of that internalized shame. And that's where they take a lot of things to heart. And that's part of why it can be really challenging to give feedback and grow with a dismissive avoidant in a relationship until they have some awareness about these things and until they, you know, we first have to become really good communicators with dismissive avoidance if we're participating in a close relationship. They also have to be willing to meet you part way and do some of that work on moving through some of that acute sensitivity to feedback. Because sometimes it's just feedback, right? It's not even a criticism. But they will definitely take things to heart a lot. Number four is dismissive avoidance will say they hate conflict, okay? Some people think like, oh, dismissive avoidants just don't care about conflict. They don't even care about anything because they're so stoic. But literally they will talk about how conflict affects them for days. They really don't like conflict. They get really sort of broken down by conflict, essentially. And I think that one of the things that's most often missed is people think that because dismissive avoidants are like avoiding things that they just. It's coming from a place of complete aloofness and apathy when a lot of times it's their way of trying to literally get away from conflicts because it makes them feel so confused. A lot of dismissive avoidants are like, I have no idea what to say on the spot. I don't know how to communicate my inner world with somebody. They just feel really helpless and stuck when it comes to conflict as a whole. And that's why for a dismissive avoidant to ever be able to stay in a long term, healthy relationship, they have to learn to communicate and do conflict in a healthy way where you can just hash things out. And it's like a nice conversation that brings you closer together because you actually work through the things that were driving you apart. And so that should basically be a necessity. And number five, this one kind of surprises people the most. And sometimes it kind of stings a little bit. So hold on, because there's a backstory to it. But a lot of dismissive avoidants will say, I feel like I don't actually get a lot of my needs met in relationships. And I feel like when somebody hears this as the partner of a DA or who's ever loved the da, they're like, what? This is? That's I tried so hard to meet their needs. Then I want you to know that if that's you, you know, dismissive avoidance don't communicate their needs, they don't convey them. And so what ends up happening is somebody's trying so hard to meet their needs, but oftentimes we meet our needs like we would want our needs met. So, like an anxious attachment style might try hard to make an effort and show that they care and want to spend more time. Whereas dismissive avoidance, their needs might be like, to know that you're going to look out for my freedom sometimes and that you're going to allow me to have my independence and autonomy. Or, you know, they really care about being acknowledged when they're trying to do things and they feel like they're not sure if they're doing it right. Like, acknowledgement is really big. Appreciation is big for them. Empathy is really big for them. Supportiveness, acceptance, like feeling not criticized and not judge is huge. And so a lot of these things they don't know how to communicate to a partner. So then a partner is like, I'm trying to meet all these needs over here. And really, a lot of times they have all these needs over here. And so they'll often feel like, yeah, as relationships go on, I just feel like I drift further and further away from somebody and I feel less and less understood. And a lot of times that's literally because they don't understand themselves. Enough to communicate what they need their partners to know so their partners can understand them. And so it really starts with that internally. But again, another really important piece here you can actually spin to win a Course for Life from pds Any free membership to PDS or free trial to pds. We have different prizes you can win and I'll just link that down below. And if you don't miss any other cool free shares that we do on this channel and just things to support you in your growth, I do put out daily videos here. Make sure you hit that like button and subscribe and I'll see you soon. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to subscribe, rate and review us on your favorite podcast Collaboration. Share it with friends and family who are on their journey of personal development and growth and thank you for listening. Next week we'll be back with more insights to guide you on your journey. 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