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Living with an avoidant. When you finally move in together with a dismissive avoidant, what ends up taking place and how does this change a relationship? Does it improve it or does it run the risk of things getting rockier? Well, in today's video, we are going to break that down. We're going to talk about what actually happens for crucial things that actually change when you do move in with a dismissive avoidant and how you can take this type of dynamic away from falling into the roommate trap, as so many individuals who date dismissive avoidance often end up experiencing. Her name is Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. I hope I pronounce her name properly. Thais Gibson. I am so excited for you to be here with me today. Thank you for joining us. So let's dive in to this topic most specifically. Okay. First and foremost, you want to understand that dismissive avoidance tend to pull away and retreat to their own space when they start moving in together with somebody or when things start heating up and getting closer. When you first move in with a dismissive avoidant, you probably are thinking, like, okay, we're going to really feel closer. This is really taking our relationship to the next level. A lot of dismissive avoidance, what they're actually experiencing is like, oh, my gosh, what if this is the wrong decision? What if I get completely engulfed and I never have time to myself? And this person judges me for how I spend my spare time? And that's often because dismissive avoidance judge themselves like crazy. So they judge themselves for playing a video game or watching a television show. They really are quite critical of themselves. And so they constantly fear that that person's going to see them in their human moments, but to them in their shameful moments. And as a result of this, usually unless a dismissive woman is already doing the work and it's in it, they move in with somebody and it actually derails the relationship a little bit more at first. It kind of actively triggers them to move into the power struggle stage. So you'll see that when you start getting closer, they are like, oh, my gosh, now that we're so close, I actually need to actively focus my attention on carving out space from the person I'm in relationship with. So they will actually try to push away, take a step back, carve out more space. So usually the person who's living with a dismissive avoidant goes, wait, we're supposed to be spending more time together and be closer than ever. And why is it feeling like I'm moving in the opposite direction right now, and we're drifting further away. Okay, so there is a stage where that just happens. The other couple things you really want to understand here, because that's just point number one, number two is that dismissive avoidance. They tend to very uniquely from other attachment styles. They tend to think that comfort and security equals love. Their form of love is like, we're comfortable around each other. We can sit silently together. We have this security by settling in. So usually when things become more serious with a dismissive avoidant, they're also like, oh, we're settled now. I don't have to try so hard. And they equate the not trying so hard as being more of an act of unconditional love. We don't have to try now. We've moved in together. And for somebody else, usually they're entering into this moving in together stage going, oh, we're now taking this next step. We're living together. Let's try to figure out how this can best work. Let's do fun things together. Let's cook together. Let's, you know, spend time making our house all nice together. And usually other people are coming into this from a totally different perspective, basically every other attachment style. So when the dismissive one seems to take their foot off the gas of trying in the relationship, the other partner is usually left feeling, like, completely bewildered. They are like, hold on, now you're actively carving out your space. And now I feel like you're trying even less. And you just seem so complacent in the relationship. What is going on? Has this ruined our relationship as a whole? Or is the dismissive avoidant. Their relationship isn't usually like, oh, the relationship's over. I don't want to be here. They're usually like, oh, I don't have to try so hard because we're good, we're settling in, and I want to make sure I have enough space and time to myself still. So let me just keep you at an arm's length. They're not necessarily questioning the whole relationship or trying to run away. They just have a very interesting personal relationship. To space and to comfort, equating to love. Number three. Another huge thing is that dismissive avoidance often feel like if there's a lot of expectations in the relationship for closeness, for time together, they're just going to be trapped. And so they are basically trying to buffer themselves in advance. It's almost like before somebody can get close, they're trying to make sure their boundaries are really clear. And a lot of times they are so scared of their partner having expectations. Usually, again, somebody else is moving in with a dismissive avoidant going, oh, we are going to have this really nice time together. We are going to do more things together. We are going to settle in together in our home. We are going to make the house all nice. And the dismissible avoidant is like, okay, I am not going to try as hard. I am going to make sure that I have my own space and I am going to manage your expectations early so you have the baseline of what to expect from me. So again, usually one person is expecting progress in this dynamic. And it seems to that same person who's expecting the progress, like the dismissive avoidant is like digressing in the relationship. And they're like, wait, we moved in together. Why does it feel like we're moving backwards? I would hear these things, by the way, all the time when working with couples all the time. But that's another story. I could tell many stories here. And again, I want to be really clear here. People are like the dismissive avoidant, clearly trying less hard, clearly trying to carve out more space. They must have, their feelings must have changed. 90% of the time. Dismissive avoidants did not even have their feelings changed, which was so mind blowing to the other person because they would be like, oh, I still really love this person and care about them and wanted to be with them. That is why I took this big next step. I was just managing their expectations and making sure I had enough space in advance. I felt like we were settled now and we were comfortable and we were all good and we just did not have to try. So really there is this miscommunication happening here in a really big way. Okay, number four, if conflict does ramp up, then dismiss avoidance will retreat even more. So a lot of times this mismatch in expectations and in clarity of what is happening, one person is taking it really personally because there is a lot of confusion. And the other person is like, why are you suddenly ramping up on the conflict? Why are you picking arguments or being critical and judgmental of me? Then the conflict starts ramping up and now the retreat starts to happen even more. Because dismissive avoidance really don't like having conflict and they especially don't like having conflict in their own space. So now they're like, whoa, I really need to push you away. And this is where we would often see, like everything start to unravel if there wasn't a solve for it. Okay, so let's talk about what the solve actually is because these are some of the sort of cornerstones that you'll see when first moving in together. But it doesn't mean that it has to be this way. Okay, these are solvable problems. So what do you do? Well, to solve is to do the work right. You have to actually put the work into the relationship. What is the work? What does that look like? Some of these things, and we get clients to do this. And I tell students in our school to do this too. Some of these things are like, you first have to air out your expectations. You have to have an honest conversation about these things. Hey, how much time do we expect to spend together now that we move in? And that has to be a place where you're trying to consider each other's needs and expectations. Like obviously one person might say, hey, we're getting even closer. I want to know that we can do things together and cook during the weekends together or whatever it might be that you're expecting. And then you can also say to the dismissive avoidant, what about you? I know that you still need space. Space is important to you. How can I support you in knowing that you have that time blocked out? And I also want you to know this needs to be an ongoing conversation. If you need space, just talk to me. If you need more time to yourself, talk to me. I'll be willing to be flexible on it. Let's have these conversations now, early. Okay? Huge thing that's going to prevent so much unnecessary conflict long term. Second thing is have a conversation about settling in. Hey, just because we're moving in together doesn't mean we should stop dating each other. Stop putting the effort in. Let's set a standard that we expect in the relationship. For example, we do some sort of acts of service for each other once a week or we go on date night once a week, non negotiably. Even if the sky is falling, even if whatever is happening, what can we actually start doing on a regular basis when you can have this conversation to prevent the settling in? To make sure that there's clear communication about closeness and expectations. Because you can literally break through all the fears of expectations by just having open, transparent conversations. This now allows a dismissive avoidant to feel settled in and the partner to not feel like, oh my gosh, what the heck is going on here? There's one other really important thing, but before I tell you this, you can actually spin to win a course for life from PDS. Any free membership to PDS or free trial to PDFs with different prizes you can win. And I'll just link that down below. So last thing, if you are moving in with a dismissive avoidant, one of the biggest hurdles to overcome, probably the biggest, is that they easily feel shame around lots of things. So they really are hard on themselves, they really judge themselves. And so it's really important to help normalize some of those activities that they do. So let's say they watch television a lot. Instead of being like, you watch a lot of television or giving it a hard time, try to be like, yeah, watching television is normal. And if you make it so that those things are normalized, it doesn't mean if your partner only ever watches television all night, every night, you don't say, hey, we should do more things together, we should get you out of the house more. But do it from a place of not judging or shaming what it is that they're doing. That is a really important yes, it's a bit of a graceful walk. You have to walk. But at the end of the day, everybody has human stuff that they're doing or experiencing. And so if they have a soothing activity where they watch a lot of TV or whatever it might be, just be like, hey, oh, these are cool television programs. This is interesting. Why do you watch this? What do you like about it? And then you might bring up to them one day, hey, I noticed that you love television. Everybody has their stuff. I love abc, whatever that is for you. And why don't we do more stuff that we can do together? Maybe we'll listen to podcasts together and learn something together, or maybe we try this out instead. And I don't want to take time away from things that are important to you, but I thought these could be other exciting activities to try together. So if you're just sharing from a place of like, openness, acceptance, kindness, gaining, you know, sharing insights or ideas like, that is where this person will feel like. This is truly well received. 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