The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: 5 Shocking Things to Expect When Living with A Dismissive Avoidant

Air Date: August 22, 2025
Host: Thais Gibson

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson delves into the often misunderstood dynamics of moving in and living with a dismissive avoidant partner. She explores what truly happens when a relationship advances to shared living, highlights the key pitfalls and challenges, and provides actionable strategies for navigating and thriving in these relationships. With empathy and practical wisdom, Thais aims to empower listeners to break free from repetitive patterns and develop deeper relational intelligence.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Dismissive Avoidant’s Initial Retreat (00:58 – 03:40)

• When moving in together, dismissive avoidants often pull away and retreat into their own space rather than drawing closer, as their partner might expect.
• “When you first move in with a dismissive avoidant, you probably are thinking, like, okay, we’re going to really feel closer… but a lot of dismissive avoidants, what they’re actually experiencing is like, ‘Oh my gosh, what if this is the wrong decision? What if I get completely engulfed and I never have time to myself?’” — Thais Gibson (01:13)
• This is driven by deep self-judgment and a fear of being judged for their “human moments,” leading to shame and a need to carve out more space.
• The move-in phase can actually trigger the relationship’s power struggle stage, with the dismissive avoidant seeking even more independence.

2. Comfort and Security as Love (03:41 – 06:20)

• Unlike other attachment styles, dismissive avoidants equate comfort and security with love. Closeness for them is not about constant engagement, but about feeling safe and being able to “settle.”
• “Their form of love is like, we’re comfortable around each other, we can sit silently together. We have this security by settling in.” — Thais Gibson (04:02)
• As a result, once moved in, they may “take their foot off the gas” in terms of effort, leading the other partner to feel bewildered or unloved.

3. Managing Expectations and Space (06:21 – 09:00)

• Dismissive avoidants fear high expectations for closeness and shared activity, feeling as if they’re about to be trapped.
• To preempt this, they proactively set boundaries and manage their partner's expectations for togetherness.
• Partners may perceive this as regression — “Why does it feel like we’re moving backwards?” — but in reality, the dismissive avoidant is simply seeking to maintain equilibrium.
• “90% of the time, dismissive avoidants did not even have their feelings changed, which was so mind-blowing to the other person.” — Thais Gibson (08:22)

4. Escalation of Conflict and Further Retreat (09:01 – 11:00)

• If mismatched expectations lead to conflict, dismissive avoidance increases as a defense mechanism.
• “Dismissive avoidants really don’t like having conflict, and they especially don’t like having conflict in their own space. So now they’re like, whoa, I really need to push you away.” — Thais Gibson (10:19)
• Without intervention, rising conflict can lead to a breakdown in the relationship dynamic.

5. Pathways to Resolution: The “Work” (11:01 – 16:30)

a. Airing Out Expectations (11:10)

• Have open, honest conversations early about expectations for togetherness and personal space.
• Example topics: “How much time do we expect to spend together? What does quality time look like now?”
• Thais recommends ongoing, flexible dialog:

  “If you need space, just talk to me. If you need more time to yourself, talk to me. I’ll be willing to be flexible on it.” — Thais Gibson (12:07)

b. Preventing Complacency (13:09)

• Set intentional standards to maintain effort and connection—keep “dating” after moving in.
• Suggestions: Regular acts of service, standing weekly date nights, continuing shared activities.

c. Normalizing Human Behaviors & Reducing Shame (14:30)

• Dismissive avoidants often feel shame about their relaxing habits (e.g., TV, video games). Normalize and accept these behaviors to avoid creating additional distance.
• “If you make it so that those things are normalized… [and] you’re just sharing from a place of openness, acceptance, kindness… that is where this person will feel like this is truly well received.” — Thais Gibson (15:58)
• Address problematic patterns gently, without judgment, and offer alternative activities in a compassionate way.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Usually the person who’s living with a dismissive avoidant goes, wait, we’re supposed to be spending more time together and be closer than ever. And why is it feeling like I’m moving in the opposite direction right now?” — Thais Gibson (02:22)
• “They equate the not trying so hard as being more of an act of unconditional love.” — Thais Gibson (04:45)
• “I would hear these things, by the way, all the time when working with couples… they must have, their feelings must have changed. 90% of the time, dismissive avoidants did not even have their feelings changed.” — Thais Gibson (08:15)
• “It’s a bit of a graceful walk you have to walk. But at the end of the day, everybody has human stuff that they’re doing or experiencing.” — Thais Gibson (16:10)

Key Segment Timestamps

• 00:58 – What changes when you move in with a dismissive avoidant
• 04:02 – Dismissive avoidants and their concept of love (comfort and security)
• 07:05 – Managing expectations and boundaries
• 09:50 – Why conflict leads to additional withdrawal
• 11:10 – Vital conversations about expectations and space
• 13:09 – Setting standards to keep romance alive
• 14:30 – The importance of normalizing their soothing activities and combating shame

Actionable Takeaways

• Proactively discuss space and togetherness to align expectations.
• Understand that “pulling away” doesn’t necessarily mean a loss of love, but is a product of the dismissive avoidant's internal wiring.
• Make intentional efforts to keep the relationship dynamic, not stagnant—keep “dating” even after moving in.
• Normalize your partner's human moments without shame or judgment, creating space for authentic connection.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating a relationship with a dismissive avoidant, or for those seeking practical relationship tools grounded in attachment theory and self-compassion.