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What is the biggest fearful avoidant attachment style red flag? It is that they test you instead of telling you what they actually need. And if you're a fearful avoidant, this is one of the biggest themes in regards to what you need to learn to change in order to heal, in order to build the best relationships of your life, starting with the relationship to yourself. So in today's video we are going to break down five major signs. A fearful avoidant is not ready for a healthy relationship yet. And basically the necessary steps that must take place in order to turn the corner and really begin healing, really begin having those green flags necessary in your life, showing you that you know what, maybe it is time for a healthy relationship where that relationship will not cause you to unravel or go back to these cycles of drama or frustration or hurt or pain in your life. And most importantly, or at least one of the top, most important things, you'll learn that if these signs are here, unfortunately means you may actually jump into the relationship with the wrong person. And at the end of this, I'll explain why. Now, if you're new here, hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson. I'm the founder of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory, the proven message method that leverages neuroplasticity to actually rewire your attachment style and nervous system. And after 14 years of working in private practice and then in our online programs at the Personal Development School, I'm here to share with you on a daily basis the most powerful insights for deep inner healing from your own childhood and past relationships so that you can truly live your best life. Let's get into it. Major signs if your fluoride is not quite ready for a relationship yet, and what this is actually going to tell you about where you currently are at in your healing journey. And at the end of this tool, I'll sort of add in a couple of actionable steps you can take to start healing and growing. If this is you, if you're listening for a friend or a loved one or somebody you're dating, then these are important things to look out for in them. So here's the first thing. If you still see remnants of a lot of really hot and cold patterns, this is a sign that this person still has been conditioned. So if this is you, this is a sign that you have still you were carrying conditioning from your childhood to see love as both a good thing and a scary thing simultaneously. And as many of you know, a big part of the reason I got into this work is that I myself was a fearful Avoidant attachment style. And it's a hard thing to feel like that because you end up in this dynamic where you want love and closeness, but it scares you at the same time. And it causes you to go into this sort of push pull theme where you want somebody to be close to you, but the moment that they're, they're close to you, you're like, whoa, this is too much for me. Get back, I changed my mind. And there's a lot of this inner fear. When you solve a lot of these fears around love and connection, it causes you to sort of have this bittersweet experience in all of your close relationships, especially romantic ones, because they're the ones that can hurt you the most and they feel the most vulnerable. And so there ends up being this dynamic of like, you really want this closeness. But as soon as that closeness is there, you sort of assume that the more that closeness exists, the more hurt you're going to be long term. And so unfortunately, this means that you may not be fully ready to invest in a relationship without being on a roller coaster in it. And what you actually have to do to come out of this theme is you have to surface your big fears about love and you have to rewire them. I always give the analogy that our core wounds or fears are essentially like our own personal version of the bear in the woods. If you imagine that tomorrow you, you go into the woods and you see a bear and the bear chases you and thank goodness you're safe, but you have to go back into the woods the next day. As soon as you go back into the woods next day and you hear the trees move or the, the bushes in the distance make any noise at all, what do you do? You assume that there must be a bear and your whole entire because of this stored perception of this perceived threat that you had stored at a subconscious level that imprinted your subconscious mind the day before, you reproject that threat back out onto as a way to protect yourself. And that's good if you're being chased by a bear, that's good. If you have to go through the woods in a forest where literally bears can chase you. But where it becomes painful or destructive in our lives is when your own version of the bear in the woods is that you believe people always leave eventually. You believe that people will always betray you and you can't trust them. You believe that you are going to feel trapped, controlled, unworthy, and feel like you have to deal with all of these pain points and assumed points of suffering that are going to show up in your future relationships. And so what happens is as long as those ideas are stored, what happens is you project them into the future. And then your nervous system, when you start projecting these fear based thoughts and belief patterns, your nervous system actually goes into this overdrive, bracing for the threat, just like the bear in the woods. And it puts you into this state of fight or flight. And this is you being in sympathetic nervous system mode. And what ends up taking place is that we actually need to come back down out of sympathetic nervous system mode. We need to spend a lot more time in our window of tolerance. Tolerance, aka ventral vagal nervous system mode from the works of Dr. Stephen Porges and polyvagal theory. But what we have to understand here is that just doing nervous system regulation unfortunately isn't going to get you there. Because just doing nervous system regulation is you always trying to soothe your body out of that state. And that's not dealing with the root cause. The root cause is the stored perception that you have a bear in the woods, this fear that the bear is coming at any moment in time. And that's actually what's causing you to feel so distressed. Okay, so what I want you to see here is that we need to be able to rewire these fears, these ideas that every relationship is going to make you feel trapped or helpless or powerless or betrayed or abandoned or not good enough. Or you're going to feel like you don't matter or you're not important. Like these core wounds that are the things you've stored as threats because you've experienced them in the past are what are getting projected out onto the future. And that's what's causing you to go into this state of dysregulation. So we do the nervous system work, but we also have to do the core wound rewiring so that you're not, not constantly carrying those fears. And I'll tell you as somebody who's done this myself, but Also with over 60,000 people who've come through our personal development school programs, like it is a world changing difference to not constantly be carrying those fears around every day. Like you have so much more mental, emotional, real estate back to focus on creating your life or designing your life or doing things of your own accord in a way that's healthy for you. Okay? So instead of constantly reacting to those fears, embracing, and your body goes into this fight or flight mode and then you have all this cortisol and norepinephrine and all these things that are dysregulating, you there's just a much easier way, okay? So we rewire those wounds, we heal our nervous system. These are two of our major pillars for healing, okay? But it's something so important to look into. If you find yourself constantly dysregulated, constantly thinking of worst case scenarios in relationships, this is major sign number one, that you're probably not quite ready for a healthy relationship just yet. Because we're not quite, quite right in ourselves just yet. If you're constantly feeling dysregulated and triggered, and just the last thing I'll say about that is like, that's not your fault, right? It's not your fault that you've been through traumatic things so consistently that those things get imprinted. That's hard and that's a difficult hand of cards to be carrying around and to have been dealt. But at the same time, I want you to know that, like, it's also not normal, right? It's also not normal to constantly be in a drama or in chaos or to be in close relationships and be having to look over your shoulder and assume the worst. Like, you shouldn't have to feel like that all the time, okay? And I just want to put that out there. Sometimes we get so adapted to things. Like when I look back 15 years ago when I was fearful avoidant, I was so used to that, right? I was so like comfortable in that and in the chaos. But like, that's not how it's supposed to be. I have a free gift for you that we're doing just for a limited time. It is a course all about nervous system regulation and somatic processing of emotions that will help you feel secure, safe and connected to yourself. It's one of our six major pillars of healing your attachment style. And it's literally for free with our seven day free trial, access to the personal development school. And you can check it out down below. Number two, another huge thing, and this is probably one of the biggest things you'll see, and a huge thing that fearful avoidants have to work to heal, is that if fearful avoidance are constantly testing instead of communicating, pulling away to see if you care, or making these sort of indirect bids, not actually saying when they feel heard about something or when they have a need, and a lot of fearful avoidance, because you've basically been conditioned to think that relying on other people is not okay, it's not safe, you will end up never really communicating what you need to other people. And often fearful avoidance operate by what's called covert contracts. This idea that we try to do all These nice things for people close to us thinking that then we're kind of owed a favor, like, oh, let me do these five nice things for you so that I can then feel comfortable asking you for a ride to the airport next week. That's a covert contract. And again, it's not a normal way to be operating in relationships. I get it because I was there at one point. That's all I knew. I totally would operate that way. But you end up just feeling resent, resentful towards other people and resistant because you feel like, well, wait, I'm trying so hard and pouring into people. And then if somebody ever isn't able to show up after you've done all these nice things for them, you feel hurt, you feel alone in that, you feel frustrated. But the way out of that is not to do more nice things for people and then have a hard time asking for your needs. The way out of that is to learn to communicate your needs openly and directly all the time, and to assume and support relationships that are doing the same. So everything's above board, so you feel comfortable taking up space, and then you're actually in reciprocity in your relationships. So just as a little exercise here, before we get into the next three points, I actually want you to look at major areas of life. I want you to look in your career area of life, around money, in your friendships, your family relationships, your romantic relationships. I want you to kind of look at those major themes in your life, and I want you to ask yourself from 1 to 10 in each of those areas. How comfortable do I feel asking for my needs? Needs? How comfortable do I feel asking for help or support or advice or leaning on somebody sometimes? I also want you to look at how much you pour into other people in those areas. And if you're seeing that you're pouring into people, like an 8 out of 10, and you're only taking up space or asking or receiving a one or two out of 10 that's going to lead to burnout and dysfunction in your relationships. And it's really important to recognize that number three sign that you're not quite ready for a really healthy relationship yet is if you find yourself attached to intensity. What I mean by this is that if you find that when things are intense or somebody makes you anxious, if you think that that's what chemistry is, and if you actually feel bored by stability and why this is such a big sign you're not ready for a healthy relationship yet is that if you're in that position, well, that actually Means is that your nervous system is still most familiar in chaos. And if you have, and I want you to understand this, your subconscious mind is survival wired at the end of the day. So it chooses what's familiar. It equates familiarity to safety and thus survival. And so what happens is you end up in a position where you're like, oh, stability is boring because it's not familiar. Stability feels uncomfortable because it's not familiar. And unfortunately, if you come from a history of chaos, sometimes more chaos feels like safety to you. I want to be really clear about this. This is so important to understand. That's a sign that it's most familiar to you because you're still carrying that chaos as your personal operating system here and now. If your nervous system was not chronically in chaos here and now, today and every day in the past week, month, years, then you wouldn't feel like stability is boring. You would feel like stability is safe. And so it's a really big sign that you're spending far too much time in sympathetic nervous system mode or dorsal vagal mode, this deep nervous system shutdown mode. When you feel like you're really tired and everything feels hard and heavy. I mean, that's a really big theme. And if you're spending too much time in either either of those modes, or sometimes between the two, like sympathetic, this panicked fight or flight response, and then these shutdown modes of like retreating, withdrawing, feeling burnt out and overwhelmed, then we have to actually work to get you back into a healthy nervous system mode, AKA ventral vagal nervous system mode. When you feel the sense of well being and peace and openness and sociability, and you feel like you have motivation and energy to do things, and that comes through regulating your nervous system effectively and working through the wounds that cause you to get dysregulated. Okay, Number four is if fearful avoidance are jumping to conclusions, if a fearful avoidant is always jumping to a conclusion, always assuming the worst, if you find yourself like constantly projecting your fears into the future again, it's a sign that you still have a lot of those core wounds that are causing a lot of dysregulation for you and a lot of stories that are playing out, kind of assuming the worst case scenario, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it may feel like you're protecting yourself, but oftentimes you're still trying to protect yourself from a childhood that happened decades ago. And it's because you're carrying those stored perceptions from your childhood and how it imprinted your subconscious mind here and now. And that's actually the source of the problem. Last but not least, one other really big thing or sign that a fearful woman may not be ready for a relationship yet is if you don't know your personal needs. If you don't know your needs, you don't know your relationship needs and how to communicate them. If you don't feel like you're equipped with that information about yourself, that is something securely attached people do so well. And it's so important to get to know yourself before you invest in a relationship so that you know that you're choosing from a place of truth and authenticity instead of just being on autopilot, hoping to go through life and find the right relationship or see what happens or or pick somebody based on that you feel spark or that you feel attracted to them. Relationships are so much deeper than that. And I hope that you give yourself a chance to really get to know yourself, understand your needs, understand how those needs affect you on a regular basis. And as you do, you'll start to have the framework and the information you need to truly thrive in all relationships, but most importantly, in the relationship to yourself. So that's it for today. If you enjoyed today's video, please, like share subscribe to this channel so you don't miss any of our daily content and a lot of the giveaways that I do on a regular basis for courses and different materials that can support you in your healing journey. And that's it for today. I'm so glad you stopped by and I'll see you next time.