The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: 5 Signs A Fearful Avoidant Still Isn't Ready for A Healthy Relationship
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: February 11, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores the main red flags indicating when someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style is not yet ready for a healthy relationship. Drawing from her professional experience and personal journey, she highlights five major signs, gives practical steps for healing, and underscores the necessity of understanding and reprogramming subconscious patterns. The episode targets individuals healing from past wounds or supporting someone with fearful avoidant traits, aiming to foster greater self-awareness and prepare for healthier, more secure connections.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Red Flag #1: Hot and Cold Patterns & Emotional Dysregulation

Timestamp: 01:09 – 08:45

• Summary:
  Fearful avoidant individuals often experience and create “hot and cold” dynamics in relationships, which originate from early conditioning—seeing love as both desirable and dangerous. This results in a push-pull pattern, craving closeness yet fearing vulnerability. Emotional dysregulation and fight-or-flight nervous system responses are common, perpetually bracing for perceived threats in relationships.
• Insight:
  "You want love and closeness, but it scares you at the same time. It causes you to go into this sort of push-pull theme where you want somebody to be close to you, but the moment that they're...close to you, you're like, 'Whoa, this is too much for me.' Get back, I changed my mind."
  — Thais Gibson [02:01]
• Analogy:
  Thais compares core wounds to "your own personal version of the bear in the woods" [04:24], explaining how subconscious fears from past experiences are projected onto future relationships, keeping the nervous system stuck in fight-or-flight.
• Takeaway:
  Healing requires addressing not only nervous system regulation but, crucially, the underlying core wounds (e.g., fear of abandonment, betrayal, feeling unworthy), to stop living in perpetual crisis mode.

2. Red Flag #2: Testing Partners Instead of Honest Communication

Timestamp: 10:10 – 16:25

• Summary:
  Rather than expressing needs directly, fearful avoidant individuals “test” their partners or make indirect bids for care to see if the partner reciprocates. This behavior stems from conditioning that it is unsafe to rely on others. They may also use 'covert contracts', expecting reciprocation for favors not explicitly requested.
• Insight:
  "If fearful avoidance is constantly testing instead of communicating, pulling away to see if you care...not actually saying when they feel hurt about something or when they have a need...because you've basically been conditioned to think that relying on other people is not okay, it's not safe, you will end up never really communicating what you need to other people."
  — Thais Gibson [10:16]
• Concept:
  The 'covert contract' model is described as "I’ll do these five nice things for you so I can then feel comfortable asking you for a ride to the airport" [12:59]—a dysfunctional relationship dynamic.
• Exercise:
  Thais suggests evaluating your comfort with expressing needs across different life domains—from career to friendships—to identify burnout and imbalance patterns.

3. Red Flag #3: Attachment to Intensity and Chaos Over Stability

Timestamp: 17:05 – 24:15

• Summary:
  Some may mistake emotional intensity or anxiety for love and chemistry, feeling bored by stability. This preference indicates a nervous system still wired for chaos, equating what’s familiar (even if unhealthy) with safety.
• Insight:
  "If you actually feel bored by stability...what that actually means is that your nervous system is still most familiar in chaos. Your subconscious mind is survival wired...it chooses what's familiar."
  — Thais Gibson [18:12]
• Important Clarification:
  Feeling unsafe or uninterested in stability signals unresolved nervous system dysregulation rooted in past chaos, not a problem with stable relationships themselves.

4. Red Flag #4: Chronic Catastrophizing and Jumping to Conclusions

Timestamp: 24:17 – 27:00

• Summary:
  Repeatedly assuming the worst, projecting fears into the future, or expecting to be hurt are key signs of lingering core wounds. This habit is an attempt to protect oneself from past pain, but it keeps the person trapped in survival mode.
• Insight:
  "You may feel like you're protecting yourself, but oftentimes you're still trying to protect yourself from a childhood that happened decades ago."
  — Thais Gibson [25:34]

5. Red Flag #5: Unawareness of Personal Needs

Timestamp: 27:02 – 29:15

• Summary:
  A lack of clarity on one’s own needs—and how to communicate them—is a key difference between insecure and secure attachment. Without this self-understanding, relationships become reactive rather than authentic and intentional.
• Insight:
  "If you don't know your needs, you don't know your relationship needs and how to communicate them...that is something securely attached people do so well. And it's so important to get to know yourself before you invest in a relationship."
  — Thais Gibson [27:20]
• Encouragement:
  Thais invites listeners to give themselves "a chance to really get to know yourself, understand your needs, understand how those needs affect you on a regular basis" for true relational thriving.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "That's not your fault, right? It's not your fault that you've been through traumatic things so consistently that those things get imprinted. That's hard and that's a difficult hand of cards to be carrying around and to have been dealt. But at the same time, I want you to know that, like, it's also not normal, right? It's also not normal to constantly be in a drama or in chaos or to be in close relationships and be having to look over your shoulder and assume the worst."
  — Thais Gibson [08:02]

• "When I look back 15 years ago, when I was fearful avoidant, I was so used to that. I was so comfortable in that chaos. But that's not how it's supposed to be."
  — Thais Gibson [09:08]

• "You shouldn't have to feel like that all the time, okay? And I just want to put that out there."
  — Thais Gibson [08:45]

Important Timestamps

• 01:09–08:45: Hot and cold patterns, bear in the woods analogy, nervous system response
• 10:10–16:25: Testing behaviors, covert contracts, the need for direct communication
• 17:05–24:15: Attachment to chaos, why stability feels "boring," nervous system regulation
• 24:17–27:00: Catastrophizing and projecting past fears
• 27:02–29:15: Knowing and communicating your needs as a path to secure attachment

Actionable Steps & Closing Thoughts

• Dual Approach to Healing: Thais emphasizes that both nervous system regulation and core wound/ belief rewiring are necessary for genuine progress.
• Self-Assessment: Evaluate your comfort with both giving and receiving support in different life areas. Imbalances predict relational dysfunction.
• Prioritize Self-Knowledge: Build awareness of personal and relational needs—this is a hallmark of securely attached individuals.
• Gentle Accountability: Recognize what's not your fault, but also what's not normal and does not need to persist.

Thais concludes by encouraging further exploration of her nervous system regulation resources and reminding listeners not to settle for chaos as normative in relationships.