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The Thais Gibson Podcast
5 Surprising Signs You Are Becoming More Secure! How Many Do You Have?
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Have you ever wondered how securely you are currently showing up in all of your relationships? Well, I'm going to give you a breakdown. We're going to start by talking about the five major pillars that are literally necessary ingredients to become securely attached if you are not already securely attached. And then I'm going to take you through what ends up happening as you move through these pillars so that you can start to see the ways that you will react differently. And essentially these things that secure people just do differently because they've done that inner work. And I'll use myself as sort of the reference point in here because if you've been following along with this channel, you know that I really got into this work because I had a lot of work to do and I was insecurely attached. I was specifically the fearful, avoidant attachment style. And I'll tell you just from personal experiences, things that started to shift within me. And I'll reference other examples with other attachment styles too. Now, if you're new here, hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson and I put daily content out here all about how to rewire your attachment style, leveraging neuroplasticity and the neuroscience of healing and transformation. And I'm just really excited to share all this stuff with you. It's been so meaningful in my own life, so I'm always happy to be able to share it. Let's dive in. Okay. The first pillar of becoming securely attached, and this is the first pillar that I take people through in our programs, is to rewire your core wounds. So this is based on Gibson integrated attachment theory or body of work, where we actually found the specific core wounds each attachment style had. And just as an example, you'll see the anxious attachment style, their big wounds are the fears of being abandoned, alone, disliked, rejected, excluded, unloved, and emotionally unsafe if somebody pulls away from them. And by the way, you can think of our wounds as being our relationship baggage. The things that we take from the past that are unresolved and we project them onto our relationships currently. And they're the things that essentially we carry with us from the past into the present unless we actually do this rewiring work, dismissive avoidance. Their big wounds are the fear of being trapped or engulfed, being seen as defective or shameful, being unsafe, especially in a conflict. And this doesn't mean physically unsafe. This means emotionally unsafe. It's part of why they shut down and retreat so much in relationships. They also have a core wound of feeling like they don't belong, that they're not Good enough that they're helpless or incapable of change. And a huge core wound around the fear of being seen as weak. They also have a core wound around being misunderstood. Okay? And part of this is because they don't know how to articulate themselves very well and vulnerably to other people. So of course they feel misunderstood because they're not communicating. Right. Last but not least, fearful avoidance. Biggest core wounds are the fear of being betrayed, abandoned, trapped, helpless. If they rely on other people being rejected or feeling like they have to do things all on their own, you can actually hear and hear that they have the core wounds of both the anxious and the avoidant in different ways. But they also have the core wounds of being unworthy, feeling that they always have to earn their worth, and being seen as bad, feeling that they always have to over explain their innocence. So the first pillar that we take people through in our healing programs are to be able to assess exactly what your triggers are, rate the order and priority, and then start to rewire them. You're not born with these triggers. You can actually recondition them through repetition and emotion over time. And we have a really easy three step exercise to take you through that, which we talk about on this channel in various ways. But that's the first pillar. So here's what ends up happening. Okay, this is where I'll just use myself as the example. One of the craziest things for me that happened in this process of healing is that all of these things that were really triggering for me, it felt like these triggers when, when they would come up, maybe somebody was pulling away and I thought that maybe they were going to abandon me. It that fear didn't come up as strongly, and it definitely came up way less frequently. So the first thing when you're trying to track your progress is you should find that these big things in your relationship baggage, these things that would cause you to feel insecure or distressed, they should become a lot less frequent and a lot less intense. Okay? We're looking for frequency and intensity diminishing. And I saw this in my own life. Like, I used to have so much of my life taken up by my internal dialogue of being in some kind of dramatic situation, like fear of being betrayed or, you know, noticing an incongruency and wondering if somebody was lying, or fear of being trapped or controlled or fear of being abandoned. And a lot of these, you know, concerns would come up in my own internal dialogue. And as I started doing a lot of this rewiring work, it was like I got all of this room back mentally, emotionally to focus on creating things or designing my life and on my terms. And my mind became a lot more still and significantly less reactive. And especially as I really stuck to that work over time and as it's been quite a long time, you know, about 15 years since I started really doing. Doing this work, you know, my life has changed dramatically on the inside. Like, I feel very calm and stable most of the time. And, you know, I'll feel emotions or distress when. When something, you know, happens or, you know, I shared not too long ago that my. My dog passed away after having him for a really long time. And, like, I still feel emotions, of course, but it's not in this really destabilizing way that would then lead to, like, unhealthy or destructive behaviors. It's more in a way where I can honor that I'm going through things and be there for myself and be present with myself and properly attune to what I'm needing and help move myself through that. So that's the first thing is you should see frequency of triggers and intensity of intensity of triggers diminish dramatically. Second thing is, you should learn who you are. You should feel like, well, I really have a stable sense of self. And this is because our second pillar of healing is learning your own needs. Your needs are a massive part of who you are. You have subconscious needs that are driving your behavior all the time. I'm not just talking about like, oh, what are your needs at a high level? Or what matters to you in a relationship. We actually all have subconscious, conscious needs that are driving us. So what we get people to do is to go in, understand their needs, and you'll see your needs reflected in a lot of your different behaviors. Your needs are not things that you think you want. They're things that you're already trying to get all the time in your behaviors because they're subconscious, and your subconscious is your already existing conditioning. So you can take an assessment that will help you surface those needs, understand exactly what those needs are, and then you can start designing your life accordingly, which is so cool. This has been such a big thing for me too, because, you know, one thing that I didn't realize until diving into a lot of this work and understanding our subconscious mind a lot better is how often you're living a life that's not congruent with what you actually want, with what actually fulfills you, what actually lights you up. And the more incongruent you are, the less fulfilled you are, but also the less regulated you are, the more stressed you feel on an ongoing basis, the more irritated you feel about small things. A lot of those things are because you're living a life out of alignment. And so your subconscious mind is constantly trying to drag you back into the the things that you want to do. And let's just use the example that you're at some, like, events that you don't want to be at because it's not in alignment with your needs, and you agree to go, and you said yes. Maybe you felt like you had to be there, you should be going, and so you did. But if you knew your needs in advance and you were able to say like, oh, this event isn't really in alignment with my needs, you wouldn't end up spending your time there. You would end up spending your time maybe in a meaningful conversation with a dear friend. And maybe that's more in alignment with your emotional connection needs and personal growth needs. And so you feel present and connected and able to feel fulfilled. You start making decisions and choices in your life based on knowing yourself better and choosing to prioritize the things that bring more meaning and fulfillment. You also feel less stress on a regular basis because you actually feel like you're living a life on your terms. And this is something securely attached people do naturally because they get a lot of healthy modeling growing up that helps them talk about their needs and honor their needs and say their truth in terms of their yeses and no's. And so they don't do things as much from obligation or, or feeling like they have to be doing. So you'll feel more rested, more present, more fulfilled by your life when you start designing your needs accordingly. Pillar number three, and I'll go through this at a higher level, is nervous system regulation work. Okay? When you start to learn to regulate your nervous system, you'll feel more present in what you're doing. You'll feel again like you're not getting as triggered as easily. You'll feel like things slow down a little bit for you so you can start making decisions where you don't just compulsively say yes or no to something and then regret it later or feel like, wait, what did I actually want? You'll be able to stay attuned to yourself and in your body when things are happening, so you'll feel like you can really honor yourself more effectively and by knowing your needs and then rewiring your triggers. By the time we're doing nervous system regulation work, it's easy. It's not something you have to be chronically doing every day because you're triggered. And then you're trying to regulate your nervous system to respond to it. You'll just naturally feel like you can regulate your nervous system, practice it, habituate it, and spend more time in parasympathetic nervous system mode accordingly. And that will help you again feel more rested, less stressed, you'll have less cortisol production, and it will really help you retain your sense of peace. These are all things securely attached people naturally have. Now that we've done that inner work, we can now take that work out into our relationships with other people. So number four is we start being able to set our honest boundaries with people. And what's really interesting about boundaries is boundaries are an expression of your truth. Some people only, you know, get into relationships and share their yeses with people. They only share, you know, when it's a yes for them or they feel that the need to compulsively say yes to everything. When somebody asks, asks you, that's not you being authentic, honestly, that's kind of a part of you lying, right? Like, if you're not being honest about what your, your no's are and you're not telling people no sometimes in the relationships around you, you're not bringing your whole self to relationships. You're just bringing this people pleasing side of yourself that says yes. And so when we start to learn to set boundaries with people and when we actually recondition at a subconscious level our relationship to boundaries so that it's not just us intellectualized, where we're like, oh, I should set a boundary. But then we can't seem to do it in real time. We actually get our subconscious on board and we recondition so that we have a set point of having healthy boundaries in relationships, then you feel like you're bringing your authentic truth into the relationships with everybody around you. You say no sometimes and you learn to do it in a healthy, assertive way. And for me, that was such a big deal because I spent a lot of time back in the day saying yes to everybody. And then I feel frustrated or resentful or overwhelmed or pressured or all these things. But when I learned that like, no, no, I can just say no sometimes, and that's perfectly fine. And I learned to practice doing that regularly. And also telling people in relationships if they were doing something that I didn't like or that made me feel uncomfortable or that I just really didn't want to be spending my time doing. When I was able to take up more space and do that more frequently. All of my relationships improved because I wasn't bringing this portion of myself into relationships. I was bringing all of me in my authenticity, in my truth. And the more authentically you express yourself to others, the more connected you've feel to other people. Not the more you know, you feel like you're trying to connect and please others. No, you actually feel genuinely seen and heard and understood and connected to people around you instead. Okay, so really big deal. I just wanted to pop in here and let you know we are doing a seven day free trial to the All Access membership pass at pds which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week. And on top of that you get a access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, Communication, boundaries, Emotional mastery, Guilt and shame, learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward. And last but not least, there's a daily community event. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. Please join me on the other side. Come check it out, see if it's a fit for you. I'd love to see you there. Go ahead and sign up by clicking the link in the description box below. The last major thing is you have to learn to communicate properly. If you can't have hard conversations with people, life is going to be way more difficult. And I cannot stress this enough. If you can't learn to share with people your needs, or you can't tell people like what triggers you or what affects you, or you can't tell somebody if they hurt you and actually be able to work through it in a healthy way. If instead you just stonewall or you just people please, or you just push people away and cut them off, depending on what your attachment style is, you're probably doing one of those three things if you don't know how to actually just take up space in a healthy way and learn to resolve conflicts in a healthy form. Relationships are really hard and the quality of your life is largely determined by the quality of your relationships. And so you're missing out. And one thing that I've practiced and really stood by and really, really appreciated so much over the past decade and a half as I've been doing this work and then working with people and teaching and sharing this, is that the better you are at having hard conversations, the easier your life becomes. Because if there's a fight or a disagreement or an argument, you're like, no problem, I'll just resolve it with the person and it will be okay. Or if there's something that's hurting you or weighing on your heart, you're like, oh, I should probably go speak about this, and I know we'll come to resolution. And all these things that would otherwise just build up in the background and take up all of this mental, emotional real estate, they're not there. You're constantly dumping your resentment tank because you're resolving those resentments. So your resentment tank is on empty and all of your relationships become so much more harmonious and so much more peaceful as a result. So, five really powerful pillars. Those are some things you'll start to see as you become securely attached and some things to be tracking in terms of where you currently are. And I hope this was helpful for you. I know it's been so helpful for me. So let me know any questions you have down below. And if you did enjoy this video, please subscribe to this channel and I'll see you next time.