← The Thais Gibson Podcast
The Thais Gibson Podcast
5 Surprising Things Fearful Avoidants Say When They’re Falling in Love
00:09:54
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
A
Fearful avoidance do not always say, I'm falling for you the moment they start to fall in love. Sometimes instead, what they say comes out as confusing, contradictory, distant, or even cold. And in today's video, I'm going to break this down for you. First, why this happens and often why they can deactivate or push away when they do fall in love. And some of those surprising things on the periphery that may actually indicate that they also are falling in love, even if you don't realize it. Her name is Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Tyce Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. I hope I pronounce her name properly. Thaise Gibson. I am so excited for you to be here with me today. Thank you for joining us. One of the first things you need to know is that falling in love for a fearful avoidant is a very strong thing because they generally, like, really, really crave deep connection and deep love. But it's a very terrifying thing at the same time because they have a lot of sort of like, minds in their minefield, right? Like, they sort of like, at a subconscious level, have all these different fears and wounds and pain points that they've essentially collected from childhood and that are stored dormantly at a subconscious level. And what those fears are generally about are attachment trauma fears. So if there was a lot of trauma in childhood in regards to what it meant to be deeply connected and reliant on somebody else for fearful avoidance, it's often things like, oh my gosh, I was feeling helpless and powerless and out of control and trapped at times and confused and afraid of being abandoned and like, I couldn't trust. And there's so many fears around deep connection because of the quite turbulent childhood fearful avoidance generally have. And so those fears get really projected onto their adult romantic relationships because essentially what the subconscious mind does is replace the early childhood caregiver relationships with adult romantic partnerships as the primary attachment figure in life. What you'll hear in the ways that fearful avoidance tend to communicate about falling in love is like, all this love, but communicated through this lens, almost like being filtered through the different fears that exist there at a subconscious level as well. And one thing I noticed so often is how frequently I would sit with clients and client sessions in the past, and dismissive avoidance would tell me all these things about how they love somebody or they felt like they were developing feelings of love. And then they would go out and say things to their partner like, I'm very happy with you. And they would think that that was clear, that they were you know, falling in love and fearful avoidance have a different way that they tend to deal with love because they, they too operate in their feelings minus their fears. Right? They, they sort of are in this, like, balancing act between how strong their feelings are and how much their, their fears are trying to pull them away to sabotage the relationship or protect themselves from being too vulnerable and being hurt. And so you'll hear the fearful avoidant when they really start to fall in love, when they really start to develop attachment to a partner, they start saying things like, I feel very overwhelmed by. And that's number one here. And this is their way of generally like checking in and saying, like, I'm feeling a lot of feelings, how about you? But I don't want to tell you too much or be too vulnerable. And they sometimes will communicate in that way as well to sort of test their partner, engage where their partner is at in terms of the feelings that they're developing to see, like, is it even safe for me to feel this much about you? So that's number one. Number two, another big one I'll see is I can see a big future with you, but it scares me. So you'll hear again. It's like trying to put the feelers out to say, look, I'm feeling all these things, but they scare me at the same time. Don't think I'm here for too long necessarily. Like, they're trying to sort of keep things. It's almost like they're trying to stay in relationship and move forward, but while also essentially keeping their guard up at the same time is really what it is. And keeping their power in a way. And it's not that they want to necessarily have power over somebody else, but they're so terrified to give their power to somebody else or what they think is their power to somebody else, because their subconscious stored associations with that is pain. When they felt that somebody was more powerful than them, AKA parents or caregivers in childhood, they felt really helpless. And usually it was an uncomfortable experience. So they associate. That's what comes next when I feel so much or I'm so vulnerable to somebody else because of all the feelings I have for them. And whatever fearful avoidant needs to know is that relationships are not supposed to be a power struggle. And if you've only ever known that, then of course you think that, right, of course you think that that's what relationships are. But that gets alchemized when you instead learn to communicate your feelings, learn to communicate your needs, learn to set boundaries and learn to Have a healthy sense of self outside of the relationship. And when those things are intact, you can share more and be more vulnerable and state what you need. And that power is still there within you and how you're showing up. It's not this power struggle where one person has the power or the other person does that. The fearful avoidant often associates because often that's what is depicted to them in their childhood and upbringing in regards to relationships. And so the power in a relationship is not a competition between two people. The power in the relationship really comes online when both parties show up to invest and nurture the relationship and really nourish the relationship and learn how to communicate through problems effectively, learn how to support each other effectively, learn how to be vulnerable in healthy ways, learn to have boundaries when necess, and maintain a healthy relationship to self. So it doesn't feel like the relationship is your whole world, but instead a wonderful part of your world. And when those things are really intact, the relationship actually becomes a source of power and empowerment in your life through its support, its encouragement, your ability to rely on somebody else in a healthy way, your ability to feel like, hey, when you're going through a hard time, you have somebody there for you in a really deep way. And so we want to get out of that mindset of this idea that relationships are a power struggle, because that's its own limitation and generally the result of painful programming from the past. Anyways, I sort of digressed there for a moment. But that is thing number two that you'll often hear. Number three is fearful avoidance will sometimes just come out of the blue and say, I am afraid. I'm really feeling a lot, and I'm starting to feel terrified. And again, they're kind of looking for soothing and they're kind of looking for validation. Like generally when FA say that, what they're not saying is. And what that really means is, I'm feeling a lot. I'm scared that you're going to hurt me. And I want to know if you're feeling a lot too. And I'm trying to test you right now to see how you'll respond. And it's in like, a very innocent way, right? It's in a way of I feel so much and I'm scared of it. Right? And trying to sort of like reconcile those components. You're seeing this really big theme here of those things essentially being expressed in different ways. I have two more things. Number four, we'll start to see an expression of fearful avoidance, basically saying that they want more proximity but again, in its own indirect form, and this isn't really an unhealthy one. But you'll often hear fearful avoidance say I really miss you. And that tends to be the first thing they feel safe to kind of like vulnerably open up and express about. Because it's not saying too much about my feelings, but it's, it is translating to like, I would love more proximity between us and you know, I'm, I'm missing sort of being closer to you. And that tends to be a huge statement of where the essay is at. Number five is you'll sometimes hear fearful avoidance start really opening to hear the other person and their way of assessing when they're really feeling something is, hey, like, where's your head at? Or what do you think about the future? Or, you know, I'm afraid for my feelings sometimes. How do you feel about your feelings? And part of it's curiosity. Absolutely. Part of it is a desire the fearful avoidance subconsciously has for transparency because it makes them feel like they can trust more when they have more context for things. But also a huge part of it is that the fearful avoidance is trying to hear where you are to see how vulnerable they're safe to be with you. And generally in those moments they're also very sensitive to rejection. So if they feel like they don't get an answer they're looking for, they can really take quite a few steps back and go into like self preservation, self protection mode because they tend to be really uncomfortable in vulnerability because of what it's associated with from the past. Hopefully this all makes sense. Hopefully this gives you context if you're dating an fa. If you are an fa. I hope it sort of clicked with you a little bit that part where I talked about the power struggle. And you know, I think that's one of the hardest parts is that really fearful avoidance. Like they're so sensitive to people's feelings and to their own feelings at times. Although they can also be, you know, quite good at repressing them too for shorter periods. But there's this component of like, how could you possibly want relationships to be a power struggle? Even that idea is so painful, I think, to the fa. Like that relationship should even have to be like, that relationship should be about harmony and connection and you know, they should be easy and there should be love and depth and it would be so hurtful that we could ever feel like there's a power struggle. And yet they, they subconsciously don't realize that it doesn't have to be that way and that there is another way. And so I hope you recognize that too, here today. It's just that if you ever felt like that before, you know that's your programming. It's not your fault at all. But also, you can take responsibility for that programming and move beyond it and transcend it. And your past really doesn't have to dictate your future relationship. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to subscribe, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Share it with friends and family who are on their journey of personal development and growth, and thank you for listening. Next week, we'll be back with more insights to guide you on your journey. And until then, keep practicing our tools and strategies to change your subconscious mind and apply some of the powerful learnings from this podcast so that you experience real life transformation.