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The Thais Gibson Podcast
5 Ways An Avoidant Secretly Tests You When They Want You in Their Life
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Dismissive avoidants rarely say what they actually feel. They test it when they want you in their life. They won't come closer right away. They'll essentially subconsciously test how safe you are first. And a lot of times this is unbeknownst to them too. They don't consciously recognize that they're actually doing this. So in the next few minutes, you are going to discover five hidden ways a dismissive avoidant Test emotional trust and how to respond to it without losing your self respect. And as we go into these five places that dismissive avoidance like to test the most, I'm curious, curious to hear from you in the comments which you see in your relationship or if you are the dismissive avoidant, which one you test the most and is most important to you, let me know in the comments. Number one of five, dismissive avoidants tend to withdraw or retreat after moments of closeness or connection. They essentially pull away a lot of the time to actually observe how you are going to react. Now, part of this is because, yes, they do get a vulnerability hangover where when they feel quite vulnerable, they feel they need to protect themselves after the fact. But as somebody who's worked in private practice with thousands and thousands of people, and then worked with tens of thousands of people through all of our online programs and boot camps, you know, one of the biggest things that I would hear constantly and still do to this day, is that dismissive avoidance will say, yeah, when I do think I really like somebody, sometimes I do pull away just to see how they're going to respond to it. And part of this is them trying to manage other people's expectations. Are you going to be somebody who's dramatic if I pull away, what if I need time to myself? Sometimes these are usually questions that are actually sitting on their mind. And they don't plan this in a premeditated way, thinking like, okay, in three days, here we go, I'm going to pull this test on you. But there is an element a lot of the time where somebody's getting to know you more and more who is dismissive avoidant. They are looking to see how you respond. And if you panic or blame them or get frustrated or become volatile, they'll often interpret it as emotional danger. And if you remain calm, they'll feel safer to return. So their withdrawal is essentially less about rejection and more about control over vulnerability and managing expectations. Now, this doesn't mean that you should just constantly take space and pull back and be okay with it, but you can actually show up and communicate your needs Each time the person pulls away, you can say things like, hey, I really value consistency in a relationship. It's something I'm looking for. Is that something you're willing to move towards together? You can have these conversations every time something like that happens, so that the needle is constantly moving in a healthier direction. Number two way of five is they will test if it's safe to be vulnerable by sharing very small vulnerabilities before the big ones. These are actually green flags at this point that they're looking to open up more and get closer to you. So for example, a dismissive avoidant might mention something mildly personal, like a past struggle or a past family issue at a very high level, just to see how you're going to respond and whether or not you'll use it against them. It's a big fear. Dismissive avoidance have. And then your reaction essentially becomes the data point that their subconscious uses to decide whether or not they can trust you more deeply. Now, before I get into the three preceding ways that dismissive avoidance tend to test, let's talk about some neuroscience of what's actually happening. A 2014 study by Dr. James showed that people with avoidant attachment exhibit reduced hypothalamic activation during partner handholding, meaning that physical or emotional closeness initially increases stress rather than lowers it. However, there are other studies that show that this tends to change over time when the dismissive avoidant becomes more secure and builds a sense of emotional safety. In 2019, Dr. Lisa Feldman discovered that avoidance regulate emotions through cognitive distancing. A strategy that actually activates the prefrontal cortex will suppress addressing the limbic response. What that means is essentially they will numb their feelings to maintain control. And isn't that interesting because it goes hand in hand with what we know about dismissive avoidance, which is the fact that they will regulate themselves by minimizing their attachment needs by essentially convincing themselves, no, no, I don't need too much closeness. I'll be okay without it. I would be fine without this person. A lot of this is their inner dialogue. But please know that dismissive avoidants who are committed to doing the work will move the needle. It's those that are not committed or not interested where there may be longer term challenges. Lastly, from a neuroscience perspective, a 2022 study by Dr. Abigail Marsh revealed that when avoidance begin to trust somebody, their insula activation increases, which actually shows growing empathy and emotional resonance, even if they still appear detached, because that gap starts to close. So their tests are really the brain's way of confirming is it Safe to feel and to feel towards you in particular. I do just want to say if you are struggling and your attachment style is fearful avoidant or anxious attachment style and you're trying to date a dismissive avoidant or even have a dismissive avoidant in your life, we have a really in depth Attachment cell courses are some of my favorite at PDFs. You can check them out for free for a limited time and they're all the pairings of relationships, how to do them. So we talk about the fearful avoidant with the dismissive avoidant, the anxious attachments out with the dismissive avoidant. The key things that are going to come up, how to address those challenges, how to communicate around them. We have literal communication scripts. What wounds are going to come up in triggers. How do you communicate around those wounds and triggers, what both parties need. It's like the roadmap to being able to thrive in a relationship with somebody of a different attachment style. And also the things you both need to do to heal and become secure together is the end of those courses. So if you want to check them out fully for free for a limited time, I'll put the link down below. And with it is a bonus course you get to keep for free as a giveaway for life. It is all about the attachment styles and intimacy. Romantic, emotional, mental, physical, sexual intimacy. All these things go through all the key themes and patterns and again you'll get to keep that for life. And you get to check out all the courses in PDFs with that seven day free trial down below as well along with that gift point number 305. And this is one of the biggest places they test is they test to see if you accept the things that they judge themselves for. Dismissive avoidants are very self critical. They tend to shame and criticize themselves a lot and quite deeply. Like not really at a superficial level, like oh, what a silly mistake I made. But things like oh God, that's so shameful. Like I, I'm. I'm so. I'll be so humiliated if anybody ever finds this out about me. These are sort of passing thoughts. They'll make mountains out of molehills around these things too. They'll really, you know, if they do things like binge watch television or have a favorite junk food snack or these things so frequently I would hear dismissive avoidance and still do where they'll say things like oh, I don't want my partner to spend too much time with me or move in because they'll see. I love to watch this really embarrassing TV show. Or they see. They'll see that I actually still play video games, or they'll see that and they'll make these really big judgments, literally. And they'll hang like big life decisions around whether or not we move in together around things like this. And the reality is that those, those are not big, you know, for anybody else outside looking from the outside, and it's like, that's not a big deal. You know, if somebody was like addicted or had an addictive habit that was for just hours and hours a day and they couldn't go to work, you know, that's one thing. You might want to address it in a healthy way, but it's usually around small things that are really insignificant in the grand scheme of things. And they assume their partner will judge them. So they make these little, you know, they'll slowly open up about little things or make comments to see if you are judging other people for the things that they do to see if you would judge them. And they make an effort to test whether or not they can be accepted and if you'll have grace and not be too critical and judgmental about the things that they are feeling ashamed about themselves. Okay. And that's a huge test that they'll usually put out before they let you into their space in a big way. Number four, they will often delay commitment. Now, I want to say for this point, it's not always avoidance. It's often like surveillance. And I know that sounds really interesting, but they need a little bit of time more than the average person to verify consistency before emotional dependency feel safe. So I, I want to put this out here. One of the biggest things dismissive avoidants are looking for when it comes to a commitment. A commitment like moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, is they're looking to see. See if you would be a safe person to do that with. And a lot of times when dismissive avoidance are delaying, it's because they still have question marks around these things. They either fear that they're going to be criticized too much judge, there's going to be too much volatility or fighting, or that they can't really rely on the person they're dating, or they don't maybe emotionally trust that they can open up and be received well. There usually those like six major sticking points, or they don't even know if they're capable of doing the relationship because they're not getting enough acknowledgement or reinforcement or open dialogue about what the person needs directly from them. So they feel this kind of sense of helplessness. Those are the major sticking points. And so sometimes when dismissive avoidants are delaying commitment, it's actually because of those major things. I'll make a separate video about that in detail. But once those questions get answered through either direct conversation, communication, or seeing through somebody's actions that they are actually safe, this is usually the point in which dismissive avoidance will actually invest in commitment. So again, that's up to the dismissive avoidant to be communicating, not you to mind read. And, you know, these are ideally things that both parties are batting for. You have to see if the dismissive avoidant is going to be, you know, healthy and a good partner as well. But I just think it's so interesting to point that out because a lot of people don't often recognize how big of a role some of those things are playing. The last point here, number five, dismissive avoidance often test how you will handle their boundaries. So if they say, I need a little bit of space, I need a night to myself, I need to do my own thing on Sunday, they're really testing your reaction to it. And if you can honor their boundary without punishment, you really pass this trust test that they have. And it's probably one of the biggest things that they test for. I want to be really clear here. This is not me saying you should be walking on eggshells trying to cater to the dismissible avoidant all day long. I'm telling you, these are the things they test. And if you are listening to this, you want to make sure that you are actually vetting what you are needing in these particular cases. So, for example, point number five, they test how much space you're going to honor for them. You have to say, look, these are my boundaries. I'm happy to honor space, but here's what I need too. And you have to communicate that back. See if they can meet you part way and meet in the middle. In that case, you'll have harmony around these things and you'll grow more securely attached together. Because around these crucial things that would come between your personalities, you're communicating about it, hashing it out, being vulnerable with each other about it. You know, your needs. Those are all important things that put us on the roadmap to becoming more secure. But if the person doesn't, then we have a different story. Okay, then in that particular case, if the person's not doing anything about it, well, then maybe it's not a fit, Right? So you have to be able to do those things, communicate openly about where you're coming from and what you're needing around the things that you might feel are not a match for you. And then vet to see how somebody responds in this particular case. Okay. And you know, I think it's really important to be honest, to be authentic with somebody in a relationship that you're. You're in. Because if you want a really good recipe to feeling like you don't thrive in a relationship and to never really making it out of the power struggle stage of a relationship, which is the third of six stages that people struggle the most in, then the recipe to failing and struggling is to not share your truth, to not communicate your needs. The more vulnerable you are and the more open you are to communicating about these things, the more success you are likely to have. And if it's not with this person, it's gonna be with somebody else who's willing to meet you halfway. That is it for today. 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