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Dating a dismissive avoidant attachment style does not just change how you feel about love, but actually has the potential to rewire your subconscious mind to associate closeness over time with distance. And in the next few minutes you are going to learn seven key signs that this might be happening to you so that you know where to draw the line. If you are dating a dismissive avoidant who is not in a position to be ready to grow with you, because if they're not, then there's a very good chance the relationship will instead have you growing apart. And that also includes putting you in a position where your conditioning, your wiring is actually affected by having been in this relationship. I want to be clear, this is not something that happens all the time. We can have really beautiful outcomes and lots of growth with somebody. But there are seven key signs to pay attention to as to whether or not you'll be on that path or another path. So in this video we are going to cover a bunch of really important things. The first thing is we'll talk about a couple of hidden ways that dating a dismissive avoidance shapes your own attachment behavior. And we'll talk about how neuroscience supports these patterns from different studies that indicate that it could affect you and you could be moving in that direction. And then we'll dive into the second half of the different patterns that may subtly train your brain to normalize emotional distance more than you would want. And at the end, we are going to go into a very strong healing exercise to help you rewire and just re regulate your nervous system and some ancient wisdom that overlaps with our neuroscience so that you can return to a place of balance and self trust. So here's the first thing that may happen if you're not careful and it's something to be on the lookout for, is that you begin to question your own worth in this relationship when you're with a dismissive avoidant. Their emotional withdrawal often makes you wonder what's wrong with you because they rarely validate your feelings or needs. And then your subconscious may start actually falling down the rabbit hole or really trap of linking love with performance, thinking things like if I do better, maybe they'll stay if I just do this one thing a little bit more, maybe they'll think I'm good enough or I'll win them over or I'll get more attention. And over time, this can actually reinforce an anxious leaning pattern, even if you weren't anxious before, or if eventually you stay in the relationship long enough and the needle doesn't move. In other words, the person doesn't grow, heal and change, then over time, you may actually find yourself moving in a direction where you feel like you just want your own distance and you sort of give in. Now that's particularly more likely in very long term relationships, Very, very long term marriages. Whereas oftentimes if you're already more anxious leaning, you'll see your more anxious side. If you're fearful, avoidant, or anxiously attached, you'll see your more anxious side essentially be inflamed in a sense in the earlier stages of a relationship or a shorter term relationship. Now again, one of the most important things on this point of seven is that you need to see whether or not this person is actually working to be more vulnerable, to be more emotionally validating, to be more present. Because if somebody's doing the work with you, anybody actually become securely attached by doing the inner work, by, you know, making more effective compromises, practicing being more present. These things can change in a relationship, but if they're not, that is a possible trajectory that you could go down. And it's really important to pay attention to. Number two, you may learn to suppress your needs even further. You see, the avoidance discomfort with vulnerability often teaches you to essentially tone down your own emotions. And you may start thinking that expressing your own needs will push them away. So you stay silent. And not only is this a form of self silencing and self abandonment, but it creates internal resentment and emotional exhaustion. And this dynamic will train your nervous system to literally associate safety with distance. Now there's some really interesting neuroscience research to back this up before we go into the next five of seven points here that you want to be on the lookout for. But a 2015 study by Dr. Ethan Cross at the University of Michigan actually found that emotional rejection in relationships activates the dorsal interior cingulate cortex, cortex, which is essentially the same region triggered by physical pain, showing how relational withdrawal can actually physically hurt at times. And in 2020, Dr. Stephanie Capochio's research demonstrated that chronic emotional isolation suppresses dopaminergenic activity, which reduces the brain's motivation and reward response, which can explain the emotional numbness that's often felt in avoidant Dynamics. Lastly, a 2018 study by Dr. Daniela Schiller revealed that consistent exposure to unpredictable affection creates maladaptive conditioning in the amygdala, reinforcing fear based emotional patterns. And together, these studies show that avoidant dynamics literally condition your brain to fear closeness and to crave distance. If you are struggling with some of these things, one of the best courses that you're going to dive into is the codependency and enmeshment healing course. It is literally a very in depth course that will help you understand all of your codependent patterns and rewire them at the subconscious level. The most important thing you can ever do to actually heal is address the subconscious mind in the process because it's your habituated self. It's where the change actually happens and you can check it out fully for free for seven days. And with it you actually get to keep free access for life to the attachment styles and sex course. It's all about attachment styles and intimacy, the patterns, the themes and also how to rewire in you anything that may be unhealthy, where maybe you're not honoring your own boundaries or needs, or you're carrying a lot of shame or fears around intimacy that stop you from being able to connect or open up. So it really dives into that in a lot of detail. And I'll put the link down below. Point three is a really common one. This is that you may over function emotionally in this relationship. I want to be really clear about something here. I am a big believer that when we get into relationships with people, it is not just about love and connection and attraction, it's also about growth. And that people who we are in relationships with will often, you know, trigger the things in us that most need healing. So they are showing us relationships are showing us to ourselves. And the our job in a relationship is that if something triggers us, we have to address it, move through it, have hard conversations about it until it's actually resolved. So that we took that challenging situation and we grew and we became better because of it. When we do not have these types of dynamics in relationships, instead the already pre existing subconscious conditioning and patterns that you've carried in from your own childhood or your past relationships will instead be the things that trigger you the most in this relationship. And if you keep getting triggered and triggered, we get triggered until we fight enough in the power struggle stage usually that we break up. And then it was kind of all for nothing right then it was like, okay, the relationship didn't work out. The goal, one of our goals, if we're going to be investing in long term committed relationships, should be that if something bothers you, you see it as a sign that something within you needs healing and growth. And this in particular points to point number three, which is over functioning emotionally. Most people who end up dating dismissive avoidance are emotional over functioners. Okay, and I want to hear from you which one of These seven resonates the most with you. We're only on point number three, but let me know in the comments because these are really big deals and because the dismissive avoidant tends to under function in the emotional connection, you compensate. And this means that you will overanalyze, you will over explain, you will fill in the gaps for the connection. Maybe you're planning everything, doing everything in the relationship, even chasing a little bit, and that actually just carves out more space for their distance to be further enabled. Okay, so they're just going to take a step back even further. This imbalance is likely to eventually lead to emotional burnout and self neglect unless you are in a position where you are willing to address your own emotional over functioning. Because I promise you, if this is something that's showing up as a theme with your dismissive avoidant partner, this is not just showing up with that person. It is probably showing up with your friends, with your family members, with, you know, other past exes. This is probably a theme that you are carrying. And it doesn't mean that you should emotionally under function. It means that you should be able to step back, let there be space for somebody to move towards you, request your needs so that there's room for somebody to make an effort for you and with you as well, rather than just going into oh, there's space. I feel like we're disconnecting or we're, we're. I'm not sure where we stand. Let me be the singular person to always fix it and do all the work. And I promise you, if you're watching this video, there's a very high chance that that is you. Point number four of seven. You may find yourself being even more hypervigilant. Okay? So you may be even more finely tuned in to small cues, tone changes, text response, timings, size, as your brain is constantly scanning for disconnection. And this is going to keep your nervous system also in a chronically alert like high alert state, which is not healthy. You know, the more that our nervous system is in this sympathetic mode, the more you are going to usually be struggling with elevated cortisol levels which can reduce immune system function, which in turn can actually also, when you have a lot of elevated cortisol levels for long periods of time, create systemic inflammation. It can affect your gut brain axis, leading to brain fog, gut disturbances. I mean this is a real thing. And burnout also affects you physiologically. Point number five of seven, okay? You lose touch with secure love. Now I'm going to be honest. If you are somebody in this position. You probably were already out of touch with secure love to begin with. You probably confused. Peace with boredom and chaos with chemistry would be a highly likely scenario here, probably because in your own childhood, love was maybe chaotic, or love was you chasing, or love was you feeling like you had to win somebody over. People, please. So they wouldn't leave. And this actually means that your brain's dopamine reward system will start linking uncertainty to excitement and is more likely, as a result, to pull you into unhealthy bonding, where you feel like you're back to chasing rather than healthy bonding. And the last two things I'm just gonna put hand in hand here that are so important are that oftentimes you'll see yourself literally dismissing your own boundaries and saying yes to things that may actually be a no for you. Just to bridge the gap in connection. When you're feeling distant, like you may not want to do something or go somewhere, but if it is something, the dismissive avoidance says, oh, hey, why don't we try this? Or why don't we, you know, go to this restaurant? There could be so many endless examples of this, big or small, but you may say yes to things that are truly a no in your body that you feel not as comfortable with, not as interested in, not as excited about, not really aligned with. From a truthful perspective, you may still say yes to them because you're like grasping for breadcrumbs. You're. You're literally looking for breadcrumbs, and you'll kind of take anything that comes your way. And if you're seeing this sign, if you're seeing any of these six signs so far, we're including our seventh sign, which is you actually just feel stressed more often. Maybe you're not sleeping as well at night. Maybe you're finding yourself constantly looking through this person's social media, over analyzing every little interaction. You can even focus on your own career goals or financial goals or friendships or family relationships. If you're seeing any of these things, okay, any of these seven things, or you can add them up and see what your score is. Out of seven. If you're seeing a lot of these things out of seven, you know, I would like to know, you know, where you feel like your line is in the sand. Because if we're in a relationship with somebody, I'm a big believer that we can be in a relationship with somebody of a different attachment style who's also insecurely attached, and we can grow together. And I'm a Big believer in that. Because I've seen that tens of thousands of times, whether through working with clients in my private practice or through students journeys in the personal development school and our programs. So I'm a believer of that. But this is what's so important is that that's not everybody's situation. Okay? So I'm a big believer. Things can change. The needle can move, and it will for a lot of people. But if only one person is doing the work, if you're the only person listening here right now, watching this video and this person is not doing any work with you and they're not showing signs of compromising more frequently, being more vulnerable, opening up more, making an effort to meet your, you know, becoming more emotionally available because they're doing their own healing. If you're not seeing these things, then you could actually find yourself, if this relationship doesn't work out, in a harder place after the fact. And so you need to really tune in and be like, where am I at? What am I seeing? How many signs are here? How am I actually being affected by this relationship? And that should dictate, where is my line in the sand? Okay. And that's a really important question I wanna ask you. Where is your line in the sand? And this is a really important place to set a deadline here and to decide whether or not, okay, maybe I'm gonna give it two more. If anything improves, try to communicate differently, do the work in some kind of way. You have to set a deadline. Now I get it. If this is a 10 year relationship for you or 20 year marriage, or there's all sorts of things, your deadline's probably not going to be two weeks from now. If you're just starting your journey, maybe you're going to try really hard with this person for three to six months. But if you're in a relationship and you've dated somebody for three months and you're already feeling some of these things, you want to decide, is this the right relationship to be in. There's a beautiful quote by Lao Tzu that this is sort of reminds me of here because I always love to see where neuroscience and psychology and ancient wisdom really overlap. And Lao Tzu says, when I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. And I want to bring this to you because I think that sometimes we're so scared. We grasp and we hold on so tightly to things because we're so scared. What will I be without this attachment? What will I be without this thing or this person? And so often when we actually create space for something that is no longer belonging and we're willing to let something go. That is usually when the most beautiful things enter is when there's an intention and understanding that this may not be the healthiest thing for me right now and honoring of that process. And then the actual conscious decision, I am going to release this. I've tried everything I can, it's not working. And let me see, let me be brave and courageous enough to try a new path, to not just continuously keep going back through the same old pattern. Let me pivot, let me try something new, let me self reflect and break this pattern instead. And that's usually where the best things in our lives enter in next. In Proverbs 4:23, it says, above all else, guard your heart for everything else you do flows from it. And healing begins when you're able to actually listen to your own internal world, listen to your heart, how it's being affected by things, and truly honor where you are at. So I think it's important to recognize that we don't wanna let go from anger, but from wisdom. And again, this may not be everybody's situation. A lot of you might be sitting here being like, no, I'm watching these videos with my partner, or you're doing some of the work in PDS with your partner, or you're leading the charge and you're seeing by you being more vulnerable, they're communicating more vulnerably too. There's many cases where that happens, but you need to tune in and check in with these signs and really see where you stand. So that's it for today. Let me know how many of those seven things you had down below if you want to go do a deep dive into codependency and enmeshment. Course if you are a hyper over functioner, that's free access that you get for a limited period of time. So take us up on it while it's out there and thank you for stopping by and for listening. I will see you in tomorrow's video. Make sure you subscribe to this channel if you don't want to miss anything. See you soon.