Episode Overview

Theme:
In this episode of The Thais Gibson Podcast, Thais unpacks the nuanced internal world of individuals with a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style, particularly focusing on what they experience in the aftermath of a fight or argument. The main aim is to illuminate the four distinct emotional and behavioral stages DAs typically progress through post-conflict and provide actionable advice for both DAs and their loved ones to handle these situations with more understanding and compassion.

The 4 Stages Dismissive Avoidants Experience After a Fight

1. Shutdown or Stonewalling Stage

[01:12 – 03:10]

• DAs often appear stoic or unbothered after a conflict, but this doesn’t mean they aren’t feeling anything.

• Their shutdown response is an internal numbing process—more about disconnecting from their own feelings than from their partner.

• This reaction stems from a history where “it didn’t feel safe to feel their feelings growing up in their household or environment.”

• Key Quote:

  “Dismissive avoidants do not feel safe feeling their own feelings. ... What they do is try to get as far away from their own feelings as possible by numbing and shutting down.”
  — Thais Gibson [02:30]

• Loved ones may interpret this behavior as stonewalling or being pushed away, but for DAs, it’s self-preservation.

2. Distancing Stage

[03:11 – 05:10]

• After shutting down, DAs move into a distancing phase to escape further vulnerability.

• This often includes rationalizing emotional distance, convincing themselves they’d be fine without their partner.

• The DA’s self-talk might sound like: “If this doesn’t work, I’d be fine if we don’t end up together, it’s not going to matter anyway.”

• This is different from the fearful avoidant, who may claim they're in the wrong relationship; DAs simply try to minimize emotional impact.

• Key Quote:

  “This distancing strategy stage is where they start to kind of con themselves that they don’t need this person ... That they aren’t going to be that affected.”
  — Thais Gibson [04:15]

• These distancing strategies are subconscious attempts at self-preservation—“Why bother trying to communicate about this? It won’t matter anyways.” [04:30]

3. Recovery and Connection Stage

[05:11 – 08:30]

• Upon having enough uninterrupted space and time, DAs begin to re-engage internally.

• They start to reconnect with their emotions and may feel a subtle longing for the partner or hope the partner will reach out.

• “They kind of need to restabilize and rebuild the sense of connection slowly over time until it feels safer and safer.”

• DAs don’t return to deep vulnerability or intimacy quickly—connection is gradual.

• Key Quote:

  “When a dismissive avoidant reconnects, they don’t like to go 0 to 60. ... They’re slower to warm back up again.”
  — Thais Gibson [06:40]

• It’s essential for partners to understand these invisible boundaries and respect the DA’s need for space, even though these boundaries are often unspoken and can be accidentally ‘violated’ by reaching out too soon.

4. Curiosity and Learning Stage

[08:31 – 10:05]

• In ideal circumstances (after a calm, constructive resolution), DAs reach a stage where they assess what happened and reflect on how to avoid similar conflicts.
• This only happens if the environment feels emotionally safe and discussions are logical, not heated.
• “They’ll actually want to be curious about what they can learn ... and how they can improve next time.”
• Too much criticism or emotional intensity prevents DAs from reaching this reflective stage—instead, they’ll revert to earlier shutdown patterns.
• Key Quote:

  “If there feels like there’s too much criticism or too much heatedness ... these will shut down more to protect themselves, and they won’t often achieve that curiosity and learning stage.”
  — Thais Gibson [09:45]

Practical Advice and Healthy Action Steps

[Throughout]

• Understanding these DA stages fosters healthier communication and stronger relationships.
• For loved ones: Respect unspoken boundaries, avoid overreaching during the distancing phase, and approach reconnection gently and gradually.
• For DAs: Develop language around your invisible needs and practice identifying and communicating emotional boundaries.
• Thais briefly references a free course on codependency and enmeshment for listeners who want deeper healing and practical tools.

Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• [02:30] “Dismissive avoidants do not feel safe feeling their own feelings.”
• [04:15] “This distancing strategy stage is where they start to kind of con themselves that they don’t need this person.”
• [06:40] “They don’t like to go 0 to 60. They’re slower to warm back up again.”
• [09:45] “If there feels like there’s too much criticism... these will shut down more to protect themselves.”

Conclusion

Thais Gibson offers a compassionate, staged roadmap to the internal aftermath of conflict for a dismissive avoidant. The episode empowers both DAs and their partners with language and understanding to navigate post-fight dynamics and lays a pathway to healing, stronger boundaries, and ultimately, mutual growth.