Podcast Summary: Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant?

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Episode Date: November 1, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores common ways people with anxious or fearful avoidant attachment styles unintentionally sabotage their relationships with dismissive avoidant partners. She unpacks five actionable strategies to strengthen these relationships without losing your voice or destabilizing the bond. Gibson emphasizes understanding needs versus wounds, cultivating self-soothing, and establishing proactive communication habits—all through the lens of attachment theory.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Trap of Over-Communication

(00:10–03:40)

• For anxiously attached or fearful avoidant people, over-communicating is often a self-soothing mechanism—one that can overwhelm a dismissive avoidant partner.
• Self-check: Are you reaching out to genuinely connect or to seek constant validation?
• Importance of balancing self-soothing with healthy communication:

  “We ideally want to have in a healthy, secure relationship the ability to self soothe and the ability to rely on people other than ourselves, and to be really masters of both ends of that continuum.” (01:23)

• Consider what a “healthy amount of communication” actually looks like for you, rather than falling into the trap of expecting near-constant contact.

2. Setting & Communicating Realistic Expectations

(03:41–07:02)

• Consciously define and advocate for what you believe is a healthy pattern of communication and connection, rather than operating on autopilot when anxious.
• Making your needs explicit is healthier than waiting for the other to “not meet your expectations,” which often triggers anxiety.
• Communicating from wounds (fear of abandonment, not feeling good enough) leads to distress and reactive behaviors.

  “Make sure I’m communicating for my needs and things that are healthy and rooted in truth, rather than from my emotions when I’m feeling distressed.” (06:05)

• Healing and rewiring your wounds at a subconscious level is crucial to becoming securely attached.

3. Criticism vs. Need Communication

(07:03–10:13)

• Criticism is often a “disguised need” and can damage the relationship, especially as dismissive avoidants are hypersensitive to criticism.
• Reframe how you express needs:
  • Instead of: “You don’t care about me, you’re not spending enough time with me.”
  • Try: “I’m feeling a little bit disconnected, I’d love if we could plan a fun date night this weekend.”
• Regularly self-score: How often do you communicate from criticism versus sharing needs?

  “Behind every single form of criticism, there’s actually a need that has to be met.” (07:21)

4. Understanding Space Does Not Mean Disinterest

(10:14–14:00)

• Don’t equate a partner’s desire for space with a lack of interest; it’s often a method of self-regulation for a dismissive avoidant, not a reflection of love or investment.
• Example: A dismissive avoidant partner may be more invested in the relationship than their anxiously attached counterpart but still need more space.

  “A dismissive avoidant…can actually be more interested in their partner than the partner is in them, but still require more space than that person.” (12:10)

• Instead of closing the gap on space to feel reassured, improve your own self-soothing and co-regulation skills.

5. Proactively Bridging Differences in Needs

(14:01–17:08)

• Avoid ongoing “wars” over time and space by hashing out needs in advance.
• Practical solution: Establish regular habits and agreements around together-time and alone-time—for example, “Let’s agree on two nights together per week.”
• This reduces ongoing negotiation and anxiety, and prevents both partners from feeling suffocated or neglected.

  “When you have habits and structure to navigate your differences… it just makes a relationship so much easier.” (16:11)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On self-soothing and reliance:

  “We ideally want to…be really masters of both ends of that continuum.” (01:23)

• On the danger of reactive communication:

  “You’re communicating from your wounds and fears, not from your needs.” (05:44)

• On criticism vs. needs:

  “Behind every single form of criticism, there’s actually a need that has to be met.” (07:21)

• On dismissive avoidants’ need for space:

  “People think because you need more space it automatically equates directly into the level of interest. But it’s not.” (12:36)

• On establishing habits:

  “When you have habits and structure… that prevent you from having to go through the same old conversation every week… it just makes a relationship so much easier.” (16:11)

Episode Structure & Important Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |------------------------------------------------|------------| | Over-Communication & Self-Soothing | 00:10–03:40| | Setting and Advocating for Healthy Expectations| 03:41–07:02| | Communicating Needs, Not Criticism | 07:03–10:13| | Space Doesn’t Equal Disinterest | 10:14–14:00| | Proactively Bridging Differences | 14:01–17:08|

Takeaways

• Relationships with dismissive avoidants thrive when both parties understand and respect each others’ needs for autonomy and connection.
• Over-communication, criticism, and assuming space means disinterest are common but avoidable pitfalls.
• Proactive, honest discussion and the establishment of structured habits can bridge gaps and foster secure attachment.

This episode offers down-to-earth, neuroscience-backed advice for moving beyond insecure attachment patterns, empowering listeners to build more balanced, resilient relationships.