Podcast Summary: Avoidants Fall EXCLUSIVELY For People Who Do THIS

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: August 1, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson dives deep into the psychological patterns behind why dismissive avoidants—people who often seem enigmatic, distant, or hard to read in relationships—are drawn to particular types of partners. Thais unpacks the concept of the "shadow" (rooted in Jungian psychology), discusses why some of us are unconsciously attracted to avoidant partners, and offers key steps to break these patterns for healthier, more fulfilling relationships. The focus is on self-understanding and self-empowerment, not people-pleasing or changing yourself to fit someone else's desires.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Avoidants and Relationship Dynamics

• Avoidants are mysterious: They often send mixed signals, making relationships confusing ([00:00]).
• Main focus: Why avoidants are drawn “almost exclusively” to people who possess certain traits and how recognizing your own patterns can foster growth, healing, and better love.

2. Introduction to the Shadow (Jungian Psychology)

• Shadow definition:
  • "The shadow is the part of ourselves we try to deny or hide." – Thais ([02:31])
  • Shadows manifest as traits we repress, often due to early environmental conditioning.
• Example scenario:
  • If you grew up with strict parents punishing assertiveness, you might repress assertiveness, see it as unsafe, and grow up to be people-pleasing ([03:30]).
  • You may then unconsciously seek out assertive partners, thus projecting your repressed traits onto others ([04:25]).

3. How Childhood Impacts Current Attraction Patterns

• If your needs weren’t met or you had inconsistent caregivers, you may “become avoidant to yourself”—neglect your own needs, echoing the treatment you received ([06:25]).
• “When you find yourself in a pattern of chasing avoidant people, constantly trying to win them over, what this usually represents is that you are in an avoidant relationship to yourself.” ([06:35])

4. Changing the Dynamic: Self-Relationship and Trait Integration

• Key insight:
  • To attract avoidants—or healthier partners generally—focus on building a strong relationship to yourself:
    • Communicate your needs.
    • Set and uphold boundaries.
    • Assert yourself in relationships ([07:50]).
• “The more you allow yourself to take up space, the more avoidant people will actually be drawn to you.” ([08:26])
• This also attracts securely attached individuals.

5. The People-Pleasing Pitfall

• “People will treat us the way that we treat ourselves... You will see this reflected back to you over and over again.” ([11:15])
• If you’re always putting yourself last, others are likely to do the same.

6. Practical Tools for Trait Integration and Change

• Trait integration through shadow work:
  • Practice shadow work to change self-avoidant patterns (Thais offers a free course for a limited time—see episode description, [12:10]).
• By addressing your inner patterns, you can break cycles of attraction to dismissive/avoidant people and become more empowered and attractive to all types of partners ([13:15]).
• “We are so often attracted to people that represent the relationship we have to ourselves.” ([13:45])

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Shadow Traits and Attraction:
  • “Because when we have a shadow trait, when we have a part of ourselves that we think is wrong or bad, that's actually healthy, when we try to push it down, another aspect of the self is drawn to this trait in other people.” – Thais ([05:00])
• On Self-Responsibility:
  • “If you find that you are attracted to avoidant people, dismissive people, people who don't take care of your feelings and needs, chances are when you look inwards you will find the exact same patterns.” ([14:05])
• On the Solution:
  • “If you can understand this about yourself and do the work to actually change those patterns, really recondition them at a subconscious level, not only will you heal profoundly, but you will also empower yourself to become more attractive to other people...” ([14:58])
• Empowerment Takeaway:
  • “The more you allow yourself to take up space, the more avoidant people will actually be drawn to you. And more securely attached people for that matter.” ([08:26])

Key Timestamps

• 00:00 – Introduction to dismissive avoidants and episode purpose
• 02:31 – The concept of the shadow (Jung)
• 03:30 – Childhood example: strict parents, repression of assertiveness
• 06:25 – Developing self-avoidant patterns and repeated attraction to avoidants
• 07:50 – How to attract (and keep) avoidants: self-relationship and boundaries
• 08:26 – The importance of taking up space and being assertive
• 11:15 – People mirror how you treat yourself; end of people-pleasing
• 12:10 – Shadow work and trait integration course (practical offer)
• 13:15 – How to break the pattern at a subconscious level
• 13:45 – The unconscious mirroring of self-relationships in attractions

Summary Flow & Conclusion

The episode demystifies the avoidant attachment style and reveals the subconscious forces that draw us toward these relationships. Thais Gibson stresses that real change comes not from people-pleasing or altering yourself for someone else, but by recognizing and healing self-avoidant patterns. She offers personal anecdotes, practical advice (like shadow work), and encouragement for listeners to step into their needs and assertiveness. This transformation, she asserts, attracts not only avoidants but also secure, healthy partners, leading to true relational fulfillment.

Recommended for: Anyone who feels caught in a pattern of chasing emotionally unavailable partners or who wants to deepen self-understanding for better relationships.

For further resources, Thais recommends shadow work courses (free for a limited time) and encourages regular practice of self-assertion and boundary setting as foundational steps toward breaking unhealthy patterns.