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This might actually shock you. Dismissive avoidance tend to propose to certain people and invest in the long term of a relationship when these specific things happen. And we're going to unpack these things today. And the research backs this up, so stay tuned as we dive into these surprising things that often make a dismissive avoidant truly want to commit long term. There are four overarching themes that I think are really important to tackle in order to better understand the dismissive avoidant way when it comes to their ability to commit to a relationship. And the very first one is that dismissive avoidants often are trying to avoid ever having to go through a breakup. So you'll see this when they're sort of avoiding putting a label on a relationship in the first place. There's this secret side of them that has this idea that they have to find the perfect relationship and wait for things to be absolutely perfect in order to be able to take a next step towards a more serious commitment. Because they keep thinking, okay, if things are imperfect, then they're gonna fall apart. And if they fall apart, I'm gonna be left really hurt, really hard done by. And I think that one of the things that most people are surprised by when it comes to a dismissible avoidant is the fact that they truly do hurt over breakups. They can seem stoic and fine, they can put, you know, pictures on their Instagram or social media looking like they're doing great after a breakup, but they're not. They sometimes numb out the first few weeks after a breakup, but especially after like a longer term connections, you know, seeing somebody for six months, a year, anything really over that, where they form some degree of attachment, they do hurt and they do feel, but they're just never going to show it to you. So they are actually often afraid of even getting into a serious relationship because they associate and basically assume that the more serious the relationship is, the more I'm going to end up feeling like it's painful and I'm going to suffer over a breakup if the person and relationship aren't absolutely perfect. And so they really do have this sort of fantasy that's not actually that rooted in reality sometimes. It's an important reality check for any dismissive avoidance. Listening to this, which is oftentimes you'll find yourself looking for this perfect relationship, perfect person, where everything's aligned, there's no stone left unturned, everything just works out and it's all bliss and peace and harmony. But that's not what the one is. That's not what A healthy relationship is. Movies and media may sort of condition us to believe that, but a perfect relationship, a secure relationship, one that works and lasts and thrives, is more about two people who are, yes, compatible, but that navigate their differences and imperfections very effectively. They have healthy communication, they work through things instead of shoving them under the rug. They know how to talk through things and talk to each other. That's that foundational piece. So it brings me to number two, and this is a more obvious one. Dismissive avoidance. Obviously don't like being pressured. And if they feel like there is some sort of pressure going on to label a relationship, to propose to get into a marriage, they are going to feel this just automatic need to rebel. Because as soon as they feel pressured, they're like, you are taking away pressure for my very important needs of independence and autonomy. And it can actually trigger this trapped core wound. And a lot of the reason why dismissive avoidance have such a strong trapped core wound or trigger is that if you grow up in a home and an environment where your needs are just never getting met, you're just feeling like you're in these relationships with people, but your needs are getting neglected, well, then you often feel trapped in those relationship dynamics. And the only thing that often makes a child growing up in an environment where there's neglect is the only thing that makes them really feel at ease is when they exit having to rely on other people and they become hyper autonomous and independent. And that is associated with feelings of relief. So when somebody's like, okay, we have to really merge together and connect, there's this deep, deep subconscious assumption that if I do connect and I do really merge my life with yours, I'm going to be trapped in a relationship where my needs never get met. And, you know, you see this in so many facets of life. Like, you can see people who grew up in a household where, you know, I was having a conversation once with somebody and they were the eldest of seven children in a family, and they had to take care of their siblings growing up. They were the oldest child and they really had to, you know, buckle down and take care of the other kids. And they said to me, having kids is just so much effort. And this person's spouse, in that same session, it was a couple session I was doing, said, I don't feel like that at all. But they were the youngest child and so they were taken care of and they didn't see some of that effort that was put in. And you see here how our perception is conditioned by the environment we grew up in. So even if the dismissive avoidance with this perfect partner who is so great, so amazing in so many ways, and even knows how to move through conflict healthily, has all these green flags and ticks all the boxes, you're still going to see that there's their internal conditioning of, wait, I get trapped in a relationship where my needs aren't being met. Even if their needs are being met, they're carrying some of that conditioning. And that's why it's so important for us to be able to understand what our individual conditioning is all about and actually do the work, to work through some of those things, to really question some of those narratives and those ideas that we just project onto things. Because just because we grew up in a specific environment doesn't mean that that's how relationships are. I'll give you one more example of this before we talk about the next two pieces here. And then also, most importantly, what to do to move the needle in this case. But I had a conversation with somebody recently and they said marriage takes so much work, it's so hard and you have to be ready to hustle and put all this work in an effort. As if it was just like this labor intensive dynamic. And their partner was saying, marriage is not a ton of work. There's some work, yeah, but like, it's going to be a happy, positive, exciting thing. But if we looked at that person's conditioning, they saw their parents have a joyful marriage, they were happy, they had fun, it was pretty light and easy. Both of their parents were securely attached and the other individual, individual. They saw their parents fight all the time, try to put all this work in the marriage didn't end up working out. It felt like they tried for years and just couldn't make it work. And so you can see, like, marriage is not full of labor and stress or explicitly joyful and nothing else. It's neither extreme or polarity. But if one person grows up in one polarity more than the other, they bring those ideas with them at a foundational level and that's what they come to believe. Right? That's what conditioning is all about. I just wanted to pop in here and let you know we are doing a seven day free trial to the All Access membership pass at pds, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week. And on top of that, you get access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on Relationships, communication, boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame. Learning your needs. So, so many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward. And last but not least, there's a daily community event. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. Please join me on the other side, come check it out, see if it's a fit for you. I'd love to see you there. Go ahead and sign up by clicking the link in the description box below. The next big one is that they often have this secret fear that they can't do relationships or aren't built for relationships like everybody else is. And you have to remember that if somebody grows up in an environment where like they don't see interdependence, they don't see people working through conflict, having hard conversations, they see people who are emotionally unavailable and even falling in the category of counter dependence. Right? People who are counter dependent are almost in a sense the opposite of codependent. They, they find that, you know, getting too close to people makes them feel like they need to push away and rebe rather than codependent or of course interdependent, which is what we're seeking, right? I can meet my own needs and be in relationship to self, but I can also lean on people and communicate my needs to others and receive them. Right? That's interdependence and it's something secure people do very effectively. But instead, if you're a dismissive avoidant, you grow up thinking like, I don't know if I'm built for this. I don't, you know, feel at ease in relationships like everybody else. Dismissive avoidance often don't know how to communicate their needs or really open up. And the more you are somebody who just doesn't rely on other people at all and even rejects the idea of relying on people, well, really, what value do you get from relationships? If relationships are just about demands on you and you can't receive love or connection or support back because you're blocking it on some psychological subconscious level, then of course you're going to feel less fulfilled by relationships than other people. Because so much of what makes us feel loved and connected is this exchange of needs happening. So when that's not there and when we are not able to be vulnerable, because really when somebody's vulnerable, it allows them to add a layer of depth to their relationships, moving them from superficial to much more high quality relationships through vulnerability that's where we see a lot of true connection. But if somebody's not doing that and doesn't know how to do that, and it's really just not in their wheelhouse, nor is it something they've ever been taught, then of course this person ends up feeling like, I can't commit. Why would I commit to a relationship when I don't even know how this could possibly last or how this is going to play out? So this is a big number three. The last piece here is that dismissive avoidance tend to fear that when they are truly seen, when they really let somebody in and really let somebody know them, that they will be found out as being shameful or defective. It is this big, deep fear. A lot of dismissive avoidance have. You would be shocked. You can have like the. The somebody has everything going for them on paper and still they feel like, wait, when somebody truly sees or knows me, they're going to find out that I'm shameful and defective and something's wrong with me. And it's because if you grew up in a household where there is neglect, that neglect gets internalized. It's like, wait, why aren't my needs getting met? Is there something wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me. And that's really this shame wound, thinking that something is defective or wrong with you at your core. And so again, this is conditioning, right? So much of everything is conditioning in our lives and relationships. And so somebody's bringing this past conditioning into the present, even if it's not necessarily rational or realistic in objective reality, subjectively we are carrying that, right? That's what dismissive avoidance tend to carry. So what we can do to help the relationship work with a dismissive avoidant is a few core things. Okay? Now this is not me saying, like, do these things and don't ever communicate your own needs. These are things that like other people need in relationships. You can give them, but making sure that you are also requesting for your needs, right? Based on your attachment style and your conditioning and who you are. Some of those big needs are acceptance. The more they feel accepted and not judged, the more they feel like, okay, I can be myself, I can let my guard down. I can let you in. And you'll see the more they feel like somebody is accepting and not judging, the more they feel like they can be vulnerable. And when they're vulnerable, they feel like, okay, I can actually connect. And now they have depth in their relationships and they want to take those next steps. Okay, so that goes a really, really long way. And remember, acceptance doesn't mean like you can't have a need or communicate. You. It means that your attitude, your approach to communicating should come from a place of peace and harmony, right? If you say, you never make enough time for me, you never communicate to me in text and I've just had enough, this is so frustrating. That's not from an attitude of acceptance. But if you go to somebody and you say, hey, I really love the way our connection is growing, I really appreciate the effort that you're putting in. You know, I haven't shared this with you, so you're not supposed to know, but you know, I noticed that I want more consistency in our communication. Could we work on that together? That's in the spirit of acceptance. You're not judging and shaming the person as a human being. You're saying that there's something you want to grow together in the relationship. It's like coming from a growth mindset rather than a shame or critical space. And that really goes a long way. And this brings me to the next point. Dismissive avoidance. Really value healthy, literal, direct communication. They don't want to have to read between the lines or guess or mind read or wonder why you're in a bad mood. If you go to them and you tell them very specifically what they need, they start going from that, that earlier fear we talked about, that they're not built for relationships, they don't know how to do them, into a space of like, wait, maybe I can do this because this person's making it easy. I don't have to guess their need. They're telling me, hey, I need more abc. It looks like X, Y, Z, and let's work on it. And if they get that, that again, like healthy attitude of acceptance, but still that literal direct communication. They start feeling like relationships go from being unsolvable, confusing messes into predictable, healthy, harmonious things. And this again really makes them lower their guard, deepen the connection. See that? Wait, this could work for the long term. This could, you know, we could move into a ground where even though the relationship's not perfect, we can get through anything. And that's what puts them in the spirit of wanting to really build a deeper connection. There's a couple other bonus things I would say, which are empathy goes a long way. Even if they don't show it, they appreciate empathy support specifically from like an acts of service perspective, doing things, looking out for them, checking in with them, how are you? All these sorts of things and knowing that they can learn and grow with somebody and that that person that they're with has some sort of thing that they're passionate or interested about in their lives and has an inner sense of healthy stability within themselves. Because dismissive avoidance get very turned off and shut down around emotional volatility. That's it for today. I hope this was helpful for you. Let me know questions you have down below, or some themes that you've seen in your own life or relationships with dismissive avoidance. And also let me know any topics you want to see for the future. I always pull topics from the comment section, so let me know. And that is it. Thank you for watching and for stopping by. Please subscribe to this channel if you're enjoying these videos and don't want to miss any of the upcoming videos or monthly live webinars that we also do. Thank you for watching.