Summary5 min read

The Thais Gibson Podcast — Avoidants STOP Running Away When THIS Happens

Host: Thais Gibson
Date: June 24, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson delves deep into dismissive avoidant attachment: why individuals with this style often pull away in relationships, and — crucially — the one thing that can stop them from running when intimacy and commitment increase. Through an illustrative client story and practical advice, Thais explains how understanding and expressing personal needs in a relationship—paired with accountability—can transform patterns with avoidant partners. The episode empowers listeners to show up for their own needs and set healthy boundaries.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Avoidant Attachment Behaviors

Dismissive avoidants tend to withdraw from relationships when things become too intimate or vulnerable, often triggered by fears rooted in childhood experiences of emotional repression and invalidation.
“There are core underlying themes that take place that cause a dismissive avoidant to pull away in relationships, but also cause a dismissive avoidant to stop pulling away.” (A, 00:00)

2. Illustrative Client Story: Mary & Bob

Thais introduces “Mary,” a classic dismissive avoidant client who’d spent years jumping between relationships, habitually shutting down as soon as emotional depth increased.
Mary’s avoidance stemmed from childhood experiences: “She had both parents who were kind of unavailable in her upbringing... if she was too emotional as a kid, she would often get shamed or dismissed.” (B, 00:50)
Mary meets “Bob,” a securely attached partner who senses when she begins pulling away and responds with clarity, empathy, and gentle accountability.

Memorable Moment: Bob’s Approach

Bob notices Mary withdrawing and says:

"I know you, and I know that you like to take your time and move at your own pace, and I understand and respect that. I'm interested in you enough and patient enough to go at your pace, but I also value my time, and I know what I'm looking for and what I need from you is to know that you are willing to grow in this situation. I will be patient, but I also need to see effort from your side." (B, ~02:40)
This balanced, direct communication allows Mary to feel seen rather than criticized, fostering openness instead of triggering her defenses.

Active but Gentle Accountability

When Mary retreats after periods of intimacy (her “vulnerability hangover”), Bob doesn’t let communication slide:

"He would gently call her out every single time she retreated... he would say things like, 'Hey, I know we had a great weekend. I know you're doing your own thing, but for me, I need to know that we're going to check in. When are you free to chat later today?'" (B, ~04:30)
Bob’s approach is consistent, direct, empathetic—not built up frustration.

3. The Main Theme: Express Needs & Hold Accountable

The key factor that helps avoidants stop pulling away isn’t chasing or over-accommodating, but reliably expressing your own needs and gently holding the other person accountable:

“It is the ability for you to express your needs while gently holding the other person's behavior accountable. Right. It's you being able to say what you're needing.” (B, 06:04)
This balance helps both partners: the avoidant feels safe and respected, but also knows the relationship has real requirements and mutual investment.

4. The Importance of Self-Advocacy and Vetting Effort

Expressing your needs isn’t just about the other person—it safeguards your self-esteem and “vets” whether the relationship can grow:

“You're advocating for yourself, you're behind yourself, and your own self esteem will improve as a result of that. And you get to vet. You get to see, is this person willing to do the work with me?” (B, 06:19)
If the avoidant steps up in response, the relationship has a chance. If not, you have your answer—and can make decisions accordingly.

5. Reframing the Fear of Speaking Up

Many people fear that stating needs will push avoidants away. Thais reframes this as necessary and protective:

“If I do say that I need something and it pushes the person away? Well, then you have to trust that that will be for the right reasons... you need to see effort. You need to see consistency. You need to know that they are trying to move in that direction, even if it's in imperfect ways.” (B, 07:22)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On seeing avoidants as capable of growth:

“Which, believe it or not, contrary to popular belief on the Internet, there are many avoidants who really show up well to do the work.” (B, 01:58)
On what relationships are truly about:

“A relationship isn't about two perfect people getting together. A relationship is about people who are imperfect getting together, who are willing to see each other, willing to make compromises for each other, willing to communicate their needs and look out for each other and support each other in that process.” (B, 06:41)
On accountability without anger:

“He would communicate in the moment as directly as possible, but gently and with respect and with the capacity to see Mary the entire time.” (B, 04:59)

Timestamps for Key Segments

00:00: Introduction to dismissive avoidance, episode purpose
00:50: Mary’s client story and background
02:40: Bob’s key conversation with Mary about needs and pacing
04:30: Dealing with “vulnerability hangover” and consistent gentle accountability
06:04: Main theme summarized: expressing needs + healthy accountability
06:19: Self-advocacy and vetting partner effort
07:22: Fear of pushing avoidants away vs. protecting your needs

Summary Takeaways

Dismissive avoidants are triggered by increased intimacy but can stop running if their partner expresses needs and holds healthy, gentle accountability.
The “magic” ingredient isn’t over-functioning or chasing, but showing up for your needs, setting clear boundaries, and openly inviting effort from your partner.
This approach not only supports healthier relationships with avoidants, but strengthens your own self-regard.
If the avoidant is motivated, they often do rise to the occasion. If not, the clarity you gain is a gift in itself.

For more on cultivating secure, healthy relationships, Thais offers further resources and courses (see episode notes).

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Transcript4 lines

[00:00]
A
There are core underlying themes that take place that cause a dismissive avoidant to pull away in relationships, but also cause a dismissive avoidant to stop pulling away in relationships. And if you understand some of these themes, it opens up your awareness of people who have a different attachment style. In today's video, I'm going to break down what those themes are that generally stop dismissive avoidance from feeling like they need to run and sabotage. But most importantly, you want to take this information today and make sure that you are showing up for your needs in the relationship. You are communicating and conveying your boundaries, and you were deciding, deciding if these themes feel like a healthy exchange of needs being met in a relationship, rather than you doing all the heavy work and all the heavy lifting on your own. And this should finally explain a lot, especially the major theme we're going to go through at the end.
[00:51]
B
I want to tell you a story of an avoidant client that I worked with because as many of you know who watch this channel, I have worked in the field of attachment styles and relationships for the past 10 plus years and saw many any clients. Now, this client we are going to call Mary. And Mary was a dismissive avoidant. Now, she was a lovely woman and she never wanted to be vulnerable in relationships. So prior to coming in to do the work, she would find herself going through these patterns of jumping from relationship to relationship over and over again. Now, we looked back into her childhood in traditional dismissive avoidant fashion. We would see that she had both parents who were kind of unavailable in her upbringing, not really there. And if she was too emotional as a kid, she would often get shamed or dismissed. So she grew up to think, okay, I have to repress my emotions and disconnect from them. And so as an adult, of course she didn't want to feel her emotions because she was conditioned for years and years to think that her emotions were bad, they were weak, they were not. Okay. So when she came to see me, she actually came in because she said she was truly interested in somebody and she was willing to acknowledge that she had this history of pushing people away that she was interested in and then sometimes feeling a little bit regretful about it later. And she realized, you know, the common denominator in a lot of these situations was me. Because as soon as there would start to be momentum or depth in the relationship, I would shut down and panic and I would start to look for all the flaws in a person and make excuses for all the reasons why the relationship couldn't work. But after Decades of doing this. She decided it was time to really take a deeper look at this situation. And she knew this about herself, and she was ready to work on it. Which, believe it or not, contrary to popular belief on the Internet, there are many avoidants who really show up well to do the work. So she was dating somebody for a few months who we'll call Bob. And as things started to become more serious, she came in and she said, I'm starting to feel panicked. And when I say serious, these were things like Bob wanting to define the relationship and talk about the future and talk about, like, maybe moving in together one day. And she kept feeling afraid. But something that was unique about Bob is that this man was quite, quite secure. He had a secure upbringing, a secure background, and I could tell he was secure by the way he handled situations like this. So one day, he and Mary were having a conversation, and as he was saying, you know, do we want to travel next year? Do we want to plan something fun to do together? He could see her starting to withdraw. She would often go silent and kind of clam up around conversations about the future. And this is what he basically said to her. He said, I know you, and I know that you like to take your time and move at your own pace, and I understand and respect that. I'm interested in you enough and patient enough to go at your pace, But I also value my time, and I know what I'm looking for and what I need from you is to know that you are willing to grow in this situation. I will be patient, but I also need to see effort from your side. I need to know that you are interested in progressing this relationship, even if it's overtime. And she said that when he said that to her, she felt seen, she felt considered. But she also realized, because she felt seen and considered, and it wasn't a threat, it wasn't criticism, that she had the bandwidth all of a sudden to realize, yeah, like, I get why he feels like that. And I have to take a look at that and my side of things in this situation as well. And then what he did next, I think, is what really confirmed with me when I was hearing this information from. From Mary, how secure he was. He proceeded to see his needs through and hold her accountable. So, for example, if she would pull away after they spent the weekend together and it was really vulnerable and they really connected. You know, one thing that's very common is that an avoidant after, like, a really connected and vulnerable weekend together, that an avoidant has a little bit of A vulnerability hangover. And they need to literally retreat for a couple days after. And the communication often becomes sparse. But in situations like that, he wouldn't put up with that. He wouldn't just let this, the communication become sparse. He would gently call her out every single time she retreated. And he would say things like, hey, I know we had a great weekend. I know you're doing your own thing, but for me, I need to know that we're going to check in. When are you free to chat? Later today. And because she was being gently called out and held accountable in a healthy way, and because this would happen not from a place of anger and not from a place of Bob building up this frustration, because for days at a time she wasn't communicating and he wasn't saying anything. No, he would communicate in the moment as directly as possible, but gently and with respect and with the capacity to see Mary the entire time. So what is this one thing then that stops an avoidant from pulling away?
[05:46]
A
If you want to check out courses that help you recondition all those painful stories that just go on and on in your mind and projections of all of these outcomes, we have a whole course you can check out fully for free, for a limited time, all about what a secure and healthy relationship looks like. This is just available for a limited time. And I will put that link down below if you want to check it out further.
[06:05]
B
It is the ability for you to express your needs while gently holding the other person's behavior accountable. Right. It's you being able to say what you're needing. Does this ensure that every single avoidant attachment style will show up? No, because it doesn't read the mind of all people. But does it help progress the relationship for an avoidant who is willing to grow? Yes. And do you know what's magical about that? What's so important about that is the fact that if you are able to do that, you're advocating for yourself, you're behind yourself, and your own self esteem will improve as a result of that. And you get to vet. You get to see, is this person willing to do the work with me? And in my opinion, that's what we should all be looking for in a relationship. A relationship isn't about two perfect people getting together. A relationship is about people who are imperfect getting together, who are willing to see each other, willing to make compromises for each other, willing to communicate their needs and look out for each other and support each other in that process. And if you are vetting to see when you do communicate your needs, does that person show up? You're making sure that you're also not jumping into a relationship with somebody who may not be able to. And honestly, when we do things that way, there are far more avoidants who do show up to do the work than you would think. If somebody's not, then you have such a clear answer, and this allows you to then decide, is this the right relationship for me to be in? So I know a lot of you are so scared to advocate for your needs, are nervous. Like, what if I do say that I need something and it pushes the person away? Well, then you have to trust that that will be for the right reasons. A person isn't going to be perfect and meet all of your needs all of the time. But you need to see effort. You need to see consistency. You need to know that they are trying to move in that direction, even if it's in imperfect ways. Thank you so much for watching. Please subscribe to this channel if you enjoyed today's video and I can't wait to see you in the next one.