← The Thais Gibson Podcast
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So if you have not heard of the relationship trap with a dismissive avoidant, this is one of the biggest dangers to being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant long term. You see, it's not the fights, it's not big disagreements because the dismissive avoidant will shut them down and often run away. It's when love slowly turns into a roommate situation. So in this video, I'm going to show you why the roommate trap happens, what neuroscience tells us about it, and how you can prevent it. And also make sure you're vetting for, for the right relationship and for a healthy connection with somebody. Let's start by just breaking down some really important insights that you need to know about the roommate trap first. Well, the anxious attachment style, secure and fearful avoidant in longer term, relationships tend to feed and expect a lot of intimacy and closeness in a relationship. And not just physical intimacy, but even through things like physical affection, emotional conversations, dismissive avoidance, prefer to connect and in the intellectual pillar. So if you break down the different pillars of connection in a romantic relationship, you really have the emotional connection pillar, which is like your vulnerability, sharing your inner world with somebody and vice versa, opening up and sharing about your feelings. Then we have the intellectual connection pillar, which is sharing about your philosophies, ideas, political views, things you're learning, hobbies, things like that. Then we have the physical connection pillar, which is obviously sex, but also physical affection, intimacy in that way. And then we have the romantic connection pillar, which is speaking in each other's love languages, meeting each other's needs in a relationship in a that sparks the romance, trying new things, having the novelty in the relationship. And so, you know, there's different pillars that people prefer to connect within. Dismissive avoidance, their comfort zone, their safe space is in the intellectual connection pillar. And sometimes it starts off in early relationships with a certain portion of dismissive avoidance as also being the intimacy pillar, like physical connection, affection, sex, intimacy, all these things. But honestly, for the vast majority of dismissive avoidance, it's not even that they may even retreat around sex and intimacy or even sometimes be slower moving in that area for a portion of dismissive avoidance. So what ends up taking place is that if left to their own devices, if just the dismissive avoidant is running the show and no other person of an opposing attachment style with them is sharing their needs and allowing themselves to take up space, One of the biggest challenges that often exists is that you may end up in a relationship where all of the connection just goes back to this intellectual connection pillar, where you're talking about philosophies, ideas, hobbies, rather than actually having connection in other pillars. And this can be one of the first mental major things is likely to lead to a roommate situation, long term and sort of functional relationship rather than a true partnership with vulnerability and romance and deep connection. Now, over time, and this is really point number two here, this slow erosion of disconnecting often leaves one partner feeling starved while the other person feels safe. And here's the really wild part, and I really can't state this enough. This is something I would see with couples all the time. And I think this really needs to be touched on. Dismissive avoidance. Once they feel connected with somebody, they settle into comfort. They tend to derive their needs in a relationship as being very much situated around comfort and a sense of safety, security, harmony, routine, these types of things. These are big needs that dismissive avoidants are actually looking for when it comes to a long term commitment in a relationship. Other attachment styles are not deriving comfort and security as the biggest ways to have a functional relationship. Instead, a lot of times what happens is once there's a commitment in a relationship, once two people join, join together and they're like, okay, we're going to be together, we're going to make this work and have that sort of rite of passage that moves us into the honeymoon stage and out of the dating stage. That's usually when all other attachment styles will sort of turn up the volume on their intention for the relationship, on their effort, on how hard they try to show up and make a commitment and get to know somebody. Whereas at that very mark, dismissive avoidance are like, we've made a commitment, so now we're comfortable and we don't have to try hard and we can take our foot completely off the gas. So dismissive avoidance and stick dad tend to see that once there's a commitment, oh, now everything's great, we don't have to really try, we can just stay in and stay at home and go into a routine. Whereas other attachment styles are like, wait, this is when we're supposed to be dating and making the most effort and traveling and doing things together. And so they tend to essentially have a different relationship, dismissive avoidance than any other attachment style to what commitment looks like. And it's because they're North Star, you know, one of their biggest things that they're following is in regards to a relationship. It's this idea of like, oh, relationships, equal comfort and security and harmony. And that's how they tend to view what a healthy relationship Is, but of course, that can really miss the mark if you want to do a deeper dive into trying to repair your relationship and also knowing when to cut it off. I have a course, it's called how to repair a new relationship. You can check it out fully for free. It actually allows you to dive into knowing, hey, what are the key signs? It's time to go. How do I set a deadline? How do I leave? How do I vet to see if this is the right person? And then if, if you get all of the green flags that are like, yes, this is the person you should be investing, you should be going through things. It's the exact steps that are necessary for repairing a relationship to really get that momentum back. And on top of that, this is a free gift. You get to keep. This for life is our how to heal from a breakup course. So if you do sit here and you go, this isn't for me. This isn't the right relationship. It's time to walk and it will help you to heal. And I wanted to just share that so that it's a win win. You either realize it's the right relationship and you can fix it, or you realize it's not and it's time to walk away. The third major feature that often leads into this is that dismissive avoidance. Do not communicate their needs well in a relationship. And not only do they not communicate their needs well, but they also tend to whenever there's an issue or a challenge, they try to deal with the challenge by pulling away rather than by working it through. And there's a big difference between if somebody hurts you, shutting down and just taking space for a few days at a time and then eventually kind of warming back up to somebody slowly, but you have a chip on your shoulder and you, you don't feel resolved, but you slowly warm back up. You can only do that a certain number of times before the relationship is getting worn away. And what mean by this is, let's say I'm a dismissive avoidant and I'm sensitive to criticism. And somebody is a little bit critical or harsh with their words, I would say to that person, hey, when you speak in that way, I really take that to heart. And I don't think I handle critical words that well. It's something that's, that I'm quite sensitive to. And I would really appreciate if you could be more mindful in your delivery. And that way I can better hear you and what it is that you need from me. And if the person turns around and is like Oh, I didn't realize that you were, you know, feeling that that was critical or that I was coming across that way to you. That's not my intention. I'm sorry. I. I think you're a great partner in this way, this way, this way. Can we just work on this here in this way? Right, so whatever the situation is, of course you can fill in the blanks. But if you're able to work things through where you feel like you can share when something's uncomfortable, it's seen and heard, it's validated, and there's a strategy to work through it in the future, okay, well, now you're in this great space where now it's like, okay, this makes sense. Here we are. And there's momentum, right. But a lot of dismissive avoidance. Never share that. Never open up. And so every time a conflict doesn't get resolved, you can imagine it being that you take a half step backwards and a half step backwards. You can even imagine instead of taking a half step backwards, it's like all these little walls get put up slowly over time and eventually put up so many walls between yourself and somebody else that there's no room for connection. And now any even potential for intimacy has been blocked. And instead you'll be left feeling like, oh, my partner started off by being available, but over time they pulled away further and further and they're less and less engaged. And you'll start to feel, if you're on the receiving end of this and you don't actually learn how to work through conflict and take up space and communicate about needs and work through some of these potential pitfalls in a relationship with a dismissible avoidant, you'll feel like you can't reach the person. You'll feel like, oh, this person's so far away, I feel like I can't even reach them. But here's something really important. Okay, I want to talk about the neuroscience of this and we'll talk about what you can actually do and also how to vet. Right. Like if somebody is doing these things, at what point do you stay and at what point do you leave? Okay, so we're going to talk about that too in a minute. Now, at the Gottman Institute, where they do a tremendous amount of very in depth research on couples, the Gottman Institute's longitudinal research found that emotional disengagement rather than conflict is actually the strongest predictor of divorce. Now, of course, it's the strongest predictor of divorce. You can extrapolate that out. And that's also going to be one of the biggest predictors of what you know, is devastating to long term relationships. And this is key because if we can catch disengagement early, we can intervene with intentional exercises that can bring connection back. Of course, only if the other person is willing to jump on board with you. So we're going to talk about that in a minute in more detail. Also, Barbara Fredrickson's positivity resonance theory shows that shared moments of vulnerability and positivity. Okay, so actually sharing your wins with somebody, validating each other, but in a way where you're opening up, right, you're sharing your inner world with somebody. These actually light up neural circuits that are related to bonding in the brain. And this matters because this healing exercise I'm going to share with you in a moment is designed to actually reintroduce these bonding micromos moments across time. So there can be a lot of growth in this area. But vulnerability itself is also associated with greater oxytocin production between couples. As long as vulnerability is based on mutual sharing. So if one person's being vulnerable all the time and kind of emotionally dumping and the other person isn't feeling like there's this shared connection of vulnerability, then you're not going to actually see elevated oxytocin production. But if both parties are engaging in vulnerability together, that's going to really increase oxytocin, which, if you didn't already know, is the bonding neurochemical. Let's talk about what you can actually start doing here, because this is the most important part. How can you address this at a high level? Obviously you have those courses at your disposal that are going to give you way more in depth information. They come with workbooks and worksheets than I can give you in just a short video. But I still want to start by talking about how we can start to address the situation. First things first, you want to set a deadline with anything you're doing. I am such a huge believer in this concept of setting deadlines in our lives and relationships. Like if you're not happy in a job, you shouldn't just open endedly stay there forever and hope it gets better. You should be like, okay, I'm gonna ask for a promotion or a raise or move laterally in my career or something, you know, to change the job. And if I don't feel happy and fulfilled, eventually should look for new jobs. And the same thing happens in our relationships. Like if you're feeling really unhappy in a relationship dynamic, we need to set a deadline. And within that deadline Period of time you want to be communicating your needs, you want to be communicating your boundaries. Okay, so, so here's the first thing. Set a deadline. What I mean by this is like, how long are you going to invest in trying to make this work before if you don't see that needle move, you're like, okay, this isn't the right focus area for me and I should be walking away. Step two is you want to be able to get really clear on what your needs are in a relationship. What do I need from this person to feel like we're not in a roommate scenario? Okay, what do I need to feel like we are improving the relationship dynamic? We're not just like having this whole situation where it's all comfort all the time. And this is where you can also, from talking about your needs, you can start injecting a little bit of micro vulnerability. Okay. It's a great approach to use micro vulnerability with a dismissive avoidant because it allows them to feel safe in it. It's not too big of a stretch outside of their comfort zone. So you can practice it over time. And this means share a little bit of things about your own internal world, a win you had at work, something that's bothering you, and ask the exact questions back in response. So if you had a win at work and you're like, oh my gosh, I got a promotion today, or I turned in a report and everybody was really happy with it today, I felt really good about that. You might. How's work going for you? Is there anything that's really stood out to you lately that's been exciting? And the more specific questions you ask, the better. Dismissive avoidance are at showing up and having that conversation and then really carrying the conversation along with you. You can also say, oh, is there anything challenging at work? If you've just shared something challenging, and how do you plan on dealing with that? Right. So, you know, start out having little moments of vulnerability because that's actually allowing for you to step out of just intellectual connection into emotional connection. And you can do that through physical touch as well. And the physical connection pillar of a relationship. There's a lot that you can do there to work with this. So as you start setting a deadline, communicating your needs, injecting micro vulnerability into the conversation, and then also being really upfront in regards to your boundaries, like tell the person, hey, these are sort of my non negotiables. These are the things that are really important to me in a relationship. Let's work towards them at the end of your deadline, you were eager, they're going to see growth and you're going to be happy about it and you're going to see the momentum and things building or you're going to see it fall flat. And if it falls flat and you don't see anything that's like really striking up a lot of positive momentum in the relationship, then you know this probably isn't the right relationship to be committing to for the rest of your life. And in that case, then you can dive into the how to Heal from a Breakup course and you can start doing the work to heal and know how to pick better, you know, partners that are a better match for you in the future. And this goes for everybody. Like this is not just if you're dating a dismissive avoidant, this is for dismissive avoidance too. Maybe you're the person on the end of this where you're with a fearful avoidant or another partner and you're not seeing the momentum or the health in the relationship that you'd like. Good. Use these steps, Set a deadline, communicate needs, inject micro vulnerability, Share your non negotiables. These are just really important principles across the board irrespective of attachment style pairing. And when you're able to do that, you can start actually seeing the needle move. That's it for today. You can totally check out the how to Repair a New Relationship course and get to keep as a free gift valued at $250 for life. The how to Heal from a Breakup course. It's a great thing to have in your back pocket too. If you ever go through a family challenge or you know, a friendship breakup or somebody moves away and you just you need to process some of the grief there temporarily. It'll speed up the grieving process big time. I'll put the link down below. I hope this was helpful for you in terms of some action steps and just extra free resources and tools if you're struggling with any of this at all because I know it's not always the easiest thing and relationships can really give us heartache. It can really wear away at us until we are able to learn how to navigate these things a little bit easier. Thank you for watching. I hope you like Share. Subscribe to this channel if you enjoyed today's video and hit that notification bell if you don't want to miss any of my daily videos and thank you for watching. I'll see you next time.