Podcast Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Episode: Dated a Narcissist… Then an Avoidant? Here's What Your Pattern REALLY Means
Date: March 9, 2026
Host: Thais Gibson

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores the recurring pattern where individuals find themselves moving from relationships with narcissists to those with dismissive-avoidant partners. She unpacks four subconscious reasons behind this phenomenon and provides actionable strategies for healing, emphasizing the role of subconscious programming, familiar emotional patterns, and self-availability.

Key Discussion Points and Expert Insights

The Power of the Subconscious Mind

Conscious vs. Subconscious: Only 3–5% of your beliefs, thoughts, emotions, and actions are determined by your conscious mind; the subconscious and unconscious mind govern 95–97%.
- Quote:
  
  "Your conscious mind is only responsible for 3 to 5% of all of your belief, beliefs, thoughts, emotions and actions. Your subconscious and unconscious mind collectively are 95 to 97%." (Thais Gibson, 01:05)
Implication: Even when we consciously desire healthy, emotionally available partners, our subconscious—rooted in past conditioning—steers us towards familiar dynamics, even if they're unhealthy.

Four Main Subconscious Patterns Behind the Narcissist-to-Avoidant Cycle

1. Subconscious Comfort Zones

Familiarity = Safety: The subconscious mind seeks what it knows, even if it's unhealthy or damaging, because it equates the familiar with survival.
Self-Criticism: Many who end up with narcissists have deeply ingrained self-critical internal dialogues, often stemming from childhood or previous relationships.
- Quote:
  
  "When the narcissist comes along... you somewhat recognize it, but the alarm bells don't properly go off." (Thais Gibson, 03:45)
People-Pleasing and Boundary Issues: There is a pattern of manipulating oneself to please others, violating personal boundaries, and over-empathizing—to the point of “erasing” oneself.
- Memorable Expression:
  
  "In their past they would erase themselves. And I love that expression because that's exactly this kind of archetype of theme..." (Thais Gibson, 05:42)

2. Trauma Response: Repeating or Avoiding the Pattern

Two Paths After Trauma:
1. Repeating the original trauma with similar partners (e.g., more narcissists).
2. Swinging to the perceived “opposite,” such as choosing avoidant partners who seem safer, less volatile.
Avoidant Partners as 'Safer Narcissists': Avoidant partners, while less dramatic, can still be emotionally unavailable, perpetuating the same core dynamic.
- Quote:
  
  "Sometimes a dismissive avoidant feels like a safer version of the narcissist dynamic." (Thais Gibson, 07:55)

3. Unavailability Mirrors Internal Disconnection

External Unavailability Reflects Internal Patterns: Individuals keep attracting unavailable people until they become emotionally available to themselves—learning to honor and communicate their own needs and feelings.
- Quote:
  
  "You will continue to end up in relationships with unavailable people until you learn to become available to yourself." (Thais Gibson, 10:10)
Core Wounds and Triggers: Repeated triggers around abandonment, exclusion, betrayal, etc., indicate unresolved core wounds stored in the subconscious.

4. Emotional Overfunctioning

Chronic Overfunctioning: Overgiving, over-attuning to others, and neglecting self-care maintains harmful patterns.
Practice for Healing: Developing self-awareness, naming feelings and needs, and practicing communication and boundary-setting are vital steps.
- Quote:
  
  "Part of your healing is going to be practicing on a daily basis, actually tuning into like what do I feel? What do I need?" (Thais Gibson, 13:42)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Familiarity and Safety:

"We'll pick what feels comfortable because it feels familiar and thus safe... your subconscious says, no, we want what's keeping us alive so far." (03:05)
On Subconscious Conditioning:

"It's not your fault. It's usually that you internalize those things from childhood because you were talked to that way..." (04:28)
On Pushing Away from Trauma:

"You'll see this with everybody when they have trauma... they either move into going back and repeating that same exact trauma, or they push really far away." (06:58)
On Healing Responsibility:

"It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal and only you can do it." (15:42)

Important Timestamps

00:00–02:25 — Introduction to episode’s purpose: understanding the subconscious, repetitive relationship patterns.
02:25–07:15 — Deep dive into Pattern 1: Self-criticism, people-pleasing, boundary issues, and the familiarity trap.
07:15–10:10 — The trauma response: explaining why people shift from narcissists to avoidant partners.
10:10–13:42 — The need for self-availability and recognizing internal unavailability.
13:42–15:42 — Chronic emotional overfunctioning and daily practices for healing.
15:42–End — Encouragement to take responsibility for healing; closing remarks.

Actionable Strategies Offered

Build Emotional Availability: Practice feeling your feelings, articulating your needs, and receiving empathy.
Set and Maintain Boundaries: Notice where you erase yourself or over-accommodate others, and challenge these patterns.
Heal Core Wounds: Address core emotional triggers through intentional, daily work (additional resources offered via Thais’s Personal Development School).
Embrace Self-Responsibility: Understand that while these patterns aren’t your fault, healing is your responsibility.

Conclusion

Thais Gibson’s episode offers validation, compassionate insight, and a practical framework for breaking free from the “narcissist-then-avoidant” relationship cycle. Her advice is rooted in neuroscience, attachment theory, and personal accountability, making this episode a valuable resource for anyone trapped in repetitive relationship patterns or seeking true emotional transformation.

Transcript

A (0:00)

Have you had the experience of leaving a relationship with somebody who is highly narcissistic or maybe even a full blown narcissist, only to find yourself then in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant? Well, there are actual subconscious reasons as to why this happens, and I want to share this with you. And I also want you to know that if this is your experience and you've just been through this, it's really confusing and sometimes even painful. But I'm going to help you unpack four reasons why this frequently happens, and then what you can do to move through this and overcome this. If you're new to this channel, my name is Ty Denise Gibson. I'm so excited that you're here and that you stopped by. I love sharing this content and material with you. Just about how people tend to act in relationships, why we do the things that we do, how it's rooted in our subconscious conditioning and how you have the opportunity to heal and it's not even that hard. You just need the right tools. Let's break this down here. Okay? Here's the first thing that I want you to know before we even dig into anything else. And it's that your conscious mind is Only responsible for 3 to 5% of all of your belief, beliefs, thoughts, emotions and actions. Your subconscious and unconscious mind collectively are 95 to 97%. This is like the warehouse of all of your conditioning. And what this means is your conscious mind's like your analytical, thinking self. So you can go and you can say, I want the emotionally available person, I want the healthy person, I want the person who's ready for a good relationship. You can say all of those things with that 3 to 5% of your brain. But your subconscious is driving the ship, okay? It's running the show. And so unless your subconscious mind wants the same things, you're gonna go back into these painful patterns. So here are these four things that actually happen that cause this dynamic to often take place. I wanna be really clear about this when I share this with you. This is not me giving you any kind of hard time that you're in this experience or, or blaming or anything like that. In fact, it's the opposite. It is me helping to shed light on the fact that you probably had this conditioning from painful experiences you went through. You're aware of the conditioning you're holding. It's part of why we keep choosing the same dynamics in the same pattern. So we'll talk about how to recondition. First things first, you usually ended up with a narcissist because you had four main patterns that were part of your subconscious comfort zone. In other words, your subconscious is wired for familiarity. And what this means is that you'll go into relationship dynamics and we will pick. We can say we want the healthy person, the available person, but we'll pick what feels comfortable because it feels familiar and thus safe. And so we feel like we're more likely to survive. So your conscious mind, that 3 to 5% of you says, oh, I want these things. Your subconscious says, no, we want what's keeping us alive so far. And if, you know, unhealthy people were surrounding us in our upbringing or, or things like that, then you're going to keep choosing from that space. Okay, so four major patterns. And this is just point one of four to be clear. And it's the first point, like why you ended up with a narcissist is usually because you first and foremost were very self critical, even mean to yourself in your internal dialogue. So when the narcissist comes along, your conscious mind recognizes that they're not being when they leave the love bombing stage and move into the, the angry stage, the discard stage, the devaluation stage, where they're mean and critical and often cruel in their, their dialogue to you, but you don't recognize it. It's like you, you somewhat recognize it, but the alarm bells don't properly go off. So first things first, you have usually these patterns and again, that's not your fault. It's usually that you internalize those things from childhood because you were talked to that way or you were talked to in similar ways in past relationships. So it's become familiar to you, which means it feels acceptable when it's not. Second thing is, sometimes you'll manipulate yourself to please others. You become what you think people want you to be. You often violate your boundaries to please others. You say yes to things that are a no for you because you're scared of losing them or being abandoned or being a burden or being too disagreeable. And one D here in terms of your patterns are that you often empathize so much with other people that you forget about your own feelings. I was speaking to somebody recently and they said that they sometimes erase themselves. You know, in their past they would erase themselves. And I love that expression because that's exactly this kind of archetype of theme that I would see here. When there's this self erasing, it's like you don't get room to have your own feelings and needs and to exist and to Tap into what you're feeling in your body and move from that. And so it becomes very, very painful. Okay, so that's our first piece, is it? Sometimes you have these patterns, so then you end up in a relationship with a narcissist. But then our subconscious mind wants very deeply to either keep going back into its comfort zone or to move in the exact opposite direction. You'll see this with everybody when they have trauma in people's traumatic events, they either move into going back and repeating that same exact trauma, or they push really far away, as far away as they can from that traumatic event. And so then they end up going, okay, I need to get away from this really unsafe narcissistic person who's like, you know, the roller coaster and the ups and downs and the hot and cold and just like the intensity and the overwhelm of all of the emotion, which then often lands you into a place where if you haven't done enough inner healing yet to learn to empathize with yourself and to have better boundaries and to take up space and to share your needs and to actually be good at receiving from other people and not just giving all the time. If you haven't done that work, then your subconscious still feels like a dismissive avoidance familiar, but you're trying to run away from the intense emotional roller coaster. And so sometimes a dismissive avoidant feels like a safer version of the narcissist dynamic. It's like they're still not empathizing with you quite enough. They still sometimes don't really recognize that you have boundaries because sometimes you're not communicating them and they sometimes take a little more than they give in relationships. But what you'll see here is that there's this pain, painful dynamic still where your subconscious mind hasn't learned yet. Your conditioning, your patterning as a person. You haven't learned to show up and to be like, hey, I have needs too. I have to practice receiving too. I have to actually be able to share my own feelings and also receive empathy the way I'm giving it to everybody. I have to say no sometimes. And that's okay if I say no sometimes. If you haven't learned these themes yet, then you're still going to end up in these same types of repeated scenarios and you're going to feel like, oh, this is a better upgrade in a way. It feels maybe less dramatic, less like a roller. And when a dismissive avoidance starts off, they'll feel a little safe and reliable and predictable, but they're not necessarily available which brings me to point number three, which is that you will continue to end up in relationships with unavailable people until you learn to become available to yourself. And what that actually means is that you have to be able to start honoring your feelings. Know what it feels like to feel your feelings in real time in your body. Communicate what your needs are in a relationship, know what they are to begin with. Some people don't even know what their needs are. If you find yourself getting triggered by the same types of things over and over again, always fearing abandonment or being alone, maybe being really triggered by being excluded or trapped or betrayed, and all of these things cause you to spiral in relationships and then sometimes even act in ways that you wish you didn't. Chances are this is because you have big core wounds. And core wounds are stored subconsciously. These core wounds are the things that wreak the most havoc on our relationships, but also our lives in general. They're the things that hold us back, they're the things that cause us to spiral, and they are solvable problems. And so something I'm going to share with you as a completely free gift is if you come into PDS and check out our seven day free trial to the personal development school, you get our core wounds bundle as a gift. These are a series of webinars or basically online classes that help you understand your major core wounds, how they are affecting you, and how to leverage neuroscience and neuroplasticity to rewire them so they no longer have to be a part of your life. This is literally a free gift that comes along with your seven day free trial. And I'll put a link below if you want to claim it. Last major piece here is that people who end up in these relationships over and over again are chronic emotional over functioners. You over give, you over tune, you notice everything and everybody. You forget about yourself and this experience. And part of your healing is going to be practicing on a daily basis, actually tuning into like what do I feel? What do I need? And then practice doing exposure work to communicate about it, to share it, to talk about it with somebody, to actually dive a little bit more deeply into what that looks like in the relationships you have around you. And until you do, you are avoiding intimacy in the relationship to yourself. You're not literally emotionally available to yourself in this emotional, intimate way. And so you're gonna keep ending up in those same types of dynamics. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal and only you can do it. And truly learning to be available to yourself, be in an emotional relationship, to self regulate your nervous system, all these things. This is going to be what allows you to have that immunity to preventing yourself from being in these relationships in the future. So I hope this helps. Thank you for watching and for stopping by. I hope you enjoyed today's video and I'll see you next time. Please subscribe to this channel if you enjoyed it too, and I'll see you soon.