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- [00:00]
A
You've been breadcrumbed by a dismissive, avoidant attachment style, and maybe you're feeling a little bit sick and tired of it. Well, in today's video, we are gonna break down how to never get breadcrumbed again by first understanding what it is that causes dismissive avoidance of breadcrumb, what those roots are and what it is actually saying about you and your own subconscious comfort zone. And by tapping into that and transforming what is going on at the root, you may just find that everything in your dating and relationship life also begins to change.
- [00:31]
One of the first things I want to start off with discussing is just the fact that breadcrumbing essentially means that somebody's just leaving little crumbs in the relationship for you while dating instead of giving you the full loaf of bread or the full experience of a relationship. And so this may be somebody, and this can be different relationship attachment styles for different reasons, but this may be somebody who isn't texting back very often, isn't really making space for the relationship, is kind of seeing you once in a blue moon, is really avoiding making commitments, things like that. Obviously dismissive avoidance, though they're not the only attachment style who engage in this activity at times, are ones who do engage in this activity quite frequently. The first thing that I just wanted to touch on here that I think is so important is the reason that dismissive avoidance. And we're going to go through a few things. We're going to go through why dismissive avoidance do this. We're going to go through why people stay in these situations. And we're also going to talk about how to get out of these dynamics as a breadcrumber or the one receiving the breadcrumbs. So why do dismissive avoidance engage in this experience? Well, because they were breadcrumbed in their childhood. And what I mean by this is that dismissive avoidance only know breadcrumbs, that is love to a dismissible avoidant. Because in their own childhood they were emotionally neglected. And so they received breadcrumbs from their caregivers and didn't get the opportunity to develop healthy emotional modeling in order to effectively know what. What having the whole loaf of bread is even about. And so, you know, I see sometimes.
- [02:12]
You know, people on the receiving end of this getting so frustrated. And what I want to highlight is like, trauma in its own way. Obviously, it's not actually contagious the way we think about contagion. But like in its own form, trauma is contagious because what often happens is One person gets imprinted with a traumatic event, and then that becomes their subconscious comfort zone. And it's actually the same subconscious comfort zone they then use to interact with others. And so it's really important to step out and break the cycle. If you're either the person doing the breadcrumbing and you're like, oh, wow, I realize that I'm doing this, or if you're the person receiving the breadcrumbs, and in that case, you have to evaluate what limiting beliefs you have that are allowing you to stay. And so there's a few different approaches to, like, working through this situation. But let's start with the dismissive, avoidant person themselves. So much of no longer being somebody who breadcrumbs is learning to get out of the subconscious comfort zone of emotional lack or neglect. And while we'll see dismissive avoidance often spend a lot of time, like, with themselves, spending time alone. Let me rephrase this. We'll see. DAs want to spend a lot of time alone, right? And it's often because their emotional bandwidth is shrunken and they're a little bit dysregulated at a subtle level. And they are trying to sort of soothe themselves by taking space and sort of engaging in, like, trans activities a lot of the time, like just mindlessly watching TV or not having to really, like, engage too much in certain forms. Now, what we'll see and something that's so important to pay attention to is in that case, if you are the person who's stuck in that state. Just because you're spending time alone doesn't mean that you're actually being with yourself. And spending time with yourself means introspecting, getting to know yourself, checking in with your feelings, noticing your thoughts, and instead of having your thoughts just race at a million miles a minute all day long on autopilot with no checkpoint. Like, what are you thinking about? How are you. How are your thoughts affecting your day? How are your thoughts affecting your actions? It's very hard to correct behavior at the behavioral level. It's really hard to be like, oh, I'm just going to start going to the gym every day and just start going seven days in a row. When we correct behaviors, the level of thought, when we start thinking differently about why we should go to the gym, what it means to go to the gym, how it will benefit us, how it will impact what the value is. And when we have those thoughts, try to come in that are like, oh, but you're too tired. Instead, being able to correct at the Thought level and be like, you know what, I said I was going to go, I'm going to try to show up. Even if I just have a light workout. That's great. Correcting things at the thought level is where change happens. And so correcting things at the behavioral level, we get into this like willing game against ourselves. Anyways, I'm kind of going down a rabbit hole. So getting back on track here. Dismissive avoidance. Have to start in order to move the needle and no longer be breadcrumbers in certain forms. They have to start no longer breadcrumbing themselves, right? Like you're with yourself essentially as a DA and you're not really with yourself. You're giving yourself emotional breadcrumbs. Like you're not checked in, you're not present, you're not in your body a lot of the time. And so starting with a lot of self care activities, emotional awareness.
- [05:30]
Taking time to introspect your feelings, your needs, your priorities, what you want for your future, a mission and vision for your life. The more you give yourself attention in that way, the more you nourish yourself and you increase and improve your emotional bandwidth. Nervous system regulation is another great activity to get there. I have a whole course on nervous system regulation. It's a very quick way to get out of that state of breadcrumbing to self and to others and out of that state of perpetual exhaustion. That can often happen as well if you're often in a dysregulated nervous system mode throughout the day. So that's one thing. And then on the flip side of that, if you are the person receiving breadcrumbs, it's like the contagion is being passed on, right? It's like you're on the recipient end. And that means that you also have a bit of a subconscious comfort zone around emotional neglect. And it's always important when we have a subconscious comfort zone with anything to check in with ourselves first in our own behaviors and habits, right? And it follows the same path to, to step out of the cycle of allowing, like, how do we have like immunity to this thing that's trying to come, right? How do we have immunity so we don't, you know, have the contagion spread to us in a sense. And the immunity comes with like I give to myself in full what I'm not getting outside of me. And it's not so that it just stops there. It's not so that you then just only meet your own needs. The intention of doing this is to recondition your Subconscious comfort zone. So if I'm filling my cup, if I'm checked in with myself, I know what I want, I know what I will and won't put up with when dating. I know how to set my boundaries. I'm prioritizing my own needs in my life so I feel more fulfilled at a deeper level. Like the things that are important to me, for example, maybe emotional growth for some of you, personal growth, connection in different forms, exploration, trying new things, learning, discovery, like whatever fills your cup. When you're making space for that in your life and you're filling those things intentionally, then your subconscious comfort zone is not one of neglect any longer. And so when somebody comes along that's trying to give you breadcrumbs, it's like, well, I would go get a loaf of bread somewhere else and that would be a smarter and wiser decision. And there's the awareness of that instead of that compulsion to just eat the breadcrumbs because you're starving. So when you're looking at it through this lens, reconditioning that subconscious comfort zone is really important. And then doing things like reprogramming, limiting beliefs about like what you're worthy and deserving of, reconditioning ideas about like what love is supposed to be, or that you're supposed to chase it, or that you're supposed to earn your worth in relationships or become good enough or win the other person over. Instead of love being like a mutual contribution of two parties to really talk through stuff, work through things, fulfill each other and make an effort to do so. Like what are your ideas and concepts that allow that subconscious comfort zone to stay alive is really what I'm asking. If you want to go into our course, it's all about learning your needs so that you can individuate, know who you are as a person, know what needs you have to get met to self Sue. Learn to communicate these needs in healthy ways. It's going to help you so much. If you were struggling with this, you literally can keep this course for free for life. It's actually a giveaway right now. We're just doing this for a couple of days. You can click the link below. It gives you access to all of the personal development school for free for seven days. And with that you will get to keep our needs course for free as a bonus. So you can check it out using that link. But I guess the last thing I'll sort of leave off here by saying is.
- [08:56]
Why do you stay in a relationship like that? Or why do you keep going for relationships like that if you find yourself doing so, what limiting beliefs do you have about yourself and what you're worthy of? Where is that a comfort zone for you? So you keep going back to it because it feels comfortable. And then is there anything within you that doesn't have or hasn't taken the time to properly assess what your standards are in relationships, what your non negotiables are, what you need to properly feel loved? And so making sure that when you do go into dating that you are intentional and when you see things like breadcrumbing and you said hey, this isn't for me, I want to wait for like a relationship that's going to give me the full loaf of bread that you are able to hold up for those things, or set boundaries around people that are not there to show up for you and meet your needs the way you want to meet somebody else's as well. And by setting out those boundaries, that is an indication to your own subconscious mind of your own worth. Because you're saying no, no, no. I'm going to create space for my needs to be met by saying no to the things that are not properly meeting my needs. And that allows you to keep dating people until you find that right relationship instead of just sort of jumping in out of that compulsion to avoid some kind of loneliness. So I hope this makes sense. Really important topic and thank you so much for being here and for watching and please subscribe to this channel. If you are up to it, I would really appreciate it and I will see you in the next video.