Episode Overview

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Episode Title: Dismissive Avoidant & Fearful Avoidant Fights - THIS ONE THING Changes Everything
Date: November 17, 2025

This episode provides a deep dive into the recurring conflict cycles that occur between individuals with Fearful Avoidant (FA) and Dismissive Avoidant (DA) attachment styles in relationships. Thais Gibson unpacks the subconscious drivers of these cycles, explores the core wounds of each attachment style, and offers crucial insights for breaking free from painful, repetitive conflicts. The goal is to help listeners understand what is happening beneath the surface and how a shift in awareness can lead to healthier, more secure connections.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Understanding Fearful and Dismissive Avoidant Dynamics

• Fearful Avoidants (FAs):
  • Tend to overgive and "overdeliver" in relationships, becoming emotional over-functioners (01:20).
  • Are hyperattuned to meeting others’ needs but struggle to communicate or even recognize their own needs.
  • Operate via "covert contracts," expecting that their giving will naturally be reciprocated, often without ever explicitly stating their own requirements.
  • Resultantly, run themselves into the ground, leading to burnout and resentment (06:00).

“Fearful avoidants operate by something known as covert contracts in relationships. … It’s like they’re investing in giving, giving, giving so that at a future date they can get some kind of ROI in their needs.”
— Thais Gibson (03:20)

• Dismissive Avoidants (DAs):
  • Highly self-sufficient, operate with a counter-dependent mindset and value independence (07:25).
  • Struggle to recognize covert contracts—they expect needs to be directly and overtly communicated.
  • When given to, DAs simply believe the giver is "very generous," and assume if anything was needed in return, it would be asked for explicitly.
  • Are open to meeting needs if they're clearly articulated, but are otherwise unaware of unspoken expectations.

“Dismissive avoidants… They do not even recognize that covert contracts are a part of many people’s human behavior. … If you have a need, you would literally tell me.”
— Thais Gibson (07:02)

How the Conflict Cycle Unfolds: Step-by-Step

• The cycle begins with the FA overgiving and suppressing their own needs, without open communication.
• As the FA becomes exhausted and resentful, they expect their DA partner to "mind-read" or reciprocate, growing frustrated when this doesn't happen (09:20).
• The FA expresses needs through criticism or "negative framing" (e.g., “You don’t care”), rather than clear requests.
• This triggers the DA's core wound—feelings of defectiveness or shame. They interpret criticism not as feedback, but as a condemnation of their entire being, causing them to shut down and withdraw (13:40).
• The FA sees this emotional withdrawal as confirmation of betrayal and not being cared for, intensifying feelings of isolation and worthlessness.
• Both partners become locked in a cyclical misunderstanding—one feels perpetually rejected, the other perpetually criticized (17:04).

“One of the biggest core wounds of a dismissive avoidant attachment style is the core wound that I am defective or shameful. … They are literally taking criticism to mean: this is about me at my core.”
— Thais Gibson (13:51)

Core Wounds and Internal Stories (Attachment Theory)

• Fearful Avoidant Core Wounds: Betrayal, unworthiness (08:40).
  • Overgiving is driven by an inner belief of not being worthy unless they “earn” love or acceptance.
  • When not reciprocated, they feel deeply betrayed.
• Dismissive Avoidant Core Wounds: Defectiveness, shame.
  • Criticism is not just seen as a complaint, but as an attack on their inherent worth or character.
  • Leads to even greater emotional shutdown.

The Communication Gap

• FAs often use negative, critical language, focusing on what’s lacking (“You never…”), rather than expressing what they need constructively.
• DAs, who need direct and positive communication, only hear attacks, not requests, and retreat further.

“If you don’t know how to communicate in a healthy way, your words, your grievances, they will always fall on deaf ears… People will not understand you.”
— Thais Gibson (17:55)

The Painful Pattern & The Path to Change

• The recurring pattern traps both partners in their core wounds and blinds them to each other’s perspectives and needs.
• An essential insight: Awareness and healthy, direct communication are needed to break the cycle.

“Until we learn to actually break out of this fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidant cycle, you are going to see that there’s tremendous amounts of frustration, misunderstanding.”
— Thais Gibson (16:14)

Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• Understanding The Cycle:
  “You’ll be like, oh my gosh, I did not understand that this was actually what was taking place beneath the surface.” (01:09)
• On Covert Contracts:
  “If you feel like you have to buy your needs, you don’t feel comfortable just being vulnerable and communicating what your needs are to a partner.” (04:00)
• On DA Expectations:
  “If you have a need, you would literally tell me.” (07:02)
• Negative Framing Example:
  “Negative framing is the difference between saying, ‘You don’t care, you’re not doing enough…’ versus, ‘Hey, I feel like I need to rely on you too. Can you show up in X, Y, Z way?’” (11:30)
• DA’s Hurt:
  “They are literally taking criticism to mean, ‘This is about me at my core. … I’m broken, I’m defective.’” (13:51)
• On Falling on Deaf Ears:
  “If you don’t know how to communicate in a healthy way, your words, your grievances, they will always fall on deaf ears.” (17:55)
• On Recurring Misunderstandings:
  “The fearful avoidant will feel like I’m literally trying to tell you what I need, remembering… because it is so important…” (16:28)
• Encouragement to Listeners:
  “These cycles are painful… but they are such solvable problems when you just start to finally understand them.” (02:02)

Important Timestamps

• 00:00 – Introduction and purpose of episode
• 01:20 – Fearful Avoidant: Overgiving & emotional over-functioning
• 03:20 – Covert contracts explained
• 06:00 – Cycle of burnout for FAs
• 07:02 – Dismissive Avoidant perspective on needs and giving
• 09:20 – Beginning of the conflict cycle
• 11:30 – Negative vs. positive framing
• 13:40 – DA core wound: Defectiveness and shame
• 16:14 – Painful cycle described; the need for change
• 17:55 – Importance of healthy communication

Actionable Takeaways & Closing Thoughts

• True change begins by understanding the inner worlds and core wounds driving these conflicts.
• Fearful Avoidants need to practice self-soothing and learn to ask for their needs directly, without overgiving or relying on unspoken “covert contracts.”
• Dismissive Avoidants should be mindful that their partner’s criticisms may be unskillful attempts to communicate unmet needs, not personal attacks.
• Both should work toward secure, balanced, and open communication.
• Thais hints at a follow-up, promising “five major ways… to truly break out of this cycle” in the next episode.

For those struggling in FA-DA relationships, this episode offers critical insights and hope: the patterns are understandable and—most importantly—changeable with the right awareness and tools.