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The silence you're experiencing is not an accident. In today's video, we're going to break down why dismissive avoidants are highly unlikely to chase in relationships and what that really means about their feelings. And my hope for you is that by listening to this, you will have all of the information that you need to unpack, the best ways to show up for yourself moving forward. So, first and foremost, one of the big things, it's quite obvious if you've been watching this channel for, for quite a while, is that the dismissive one is terrified of vulnerability. In fact, it's not even just like terrified. It's that they're actually conditioned to not want to be vulnerable. Like, their subconscious mind, which is really the one running the show and making the decisions, basically has programs that say if you're vulnerable, all these bad things will happen. You'll be shamed, you'll be weak, you're not acceptable. You know, all these sorts of different dynamics you can think of. Like, even if their conscious mind says, I should work on vulnerability, we can have these subconscious belief blocks about what the consequences of vulnerability are based on the consequences of being vulnerable that we experience in childhood. And so dismissive avoidance will fear reliving those consequences or outcomes associated with vulnerability and can really just, like, even though they may want to chase, really have this, this wall that goes up where it's like, nope, that's not the direction I'm going in. Because it's vulnerable to chase, it's vulnerable to go after somebody. It's vulnerable to express your feelings or to tell somebody, hey, I miss you, or I'm thinking of you, or I want to try this again or I don't like that we fight. Let's, let's make up, let's fix this. All of those things take vulnerability and courage to do so. So as long as those belief blocks are there, well, well, you could have a dismissive avoidant who's courageous in other forms. It can really block their emotional courage from showing up. Number two reason, they're constantly in their feelings, minus their fears. And you know, we talk about this all the time on this channel. You'll generally see dismissive avoidance when they are seeing conflict in the relationship. Because dismissive avoidants are literally wired to minimize their attachment needs in times of pain or fear. Essentially what they'll do is when they are really attached or, and then something goes wrong or there's a threat or a challenge, like an argument or the relationships on the rocks or you break up, they will as a coping Mechanism subconsciously. This is not even like a conscious or intentional process. It's something that happens from this place of autopilot thought for many days. They will literally start telling themselves all the reasons why it wasn't going to work out anyways or why it's fine, they're going to be fine on their own. And they do things to actually minimize their attachment needs. This can even include things like flaw finding, right? Like, oh well, this person does this, so it would never work anyways. And it's all these justifications. Now this is a period of time. It's like a band aid that dismissive avoidant uses. It's not something that lasts long term. It's something they can do for a period of time. But eventually when enough space transpires between themselves and somebody else, they'll come out of that flaw finding space and they may even at times sort of look back on it and be like, I don't know if all those things were true and sort of reconcile or recognize that they're being critical and sometimes even have a certain degree of awareness that their criticism is a form of self protection, which is literally what it is. Number three, a lot of dismissiveness of avoidants have this big idea that it's just easy to be alone. And so it's this idea of like, okay, why would I go through the difficulty, the hardship, why would I stretch myself when it's just easy and simple to be alone. And you know, I think it's really important to recognize that we tend to want to and be open to stretching ourselves, particularly in the areas that we are programmed to have personality needs around. Our personality needs are these subconscious needs that our brain is always sort of working towards. And when we don't, you know, a lot of dismissive avoidance, they don't have a lot of, of big needs around romantic relationships, emotional connection, these sorts of of situations. So they're less likely to feel like, okay, I'm going to stretch myself, I'm going to push myself, unless it logically makes sense to them. And this is why you'll see like once a dismissive avoidant knows about their attachment style and can talk about it and is clear about it, you know, and, and they understand like cause and effect of their childhood experiences to their romantic outcomes. And they also understand that like hey you, we have to work through some of these things in order to be fulfilled in the relationship area of life. This is where you'll see dismissive avoidance do the work. But when they don't know that this is their attachment zone. They don't know what's going on here. This is where we will see dismiss, avoidance. Sometimes just sabotage a little bit because they're like, well, it's easier to be alone. This doesn't feel good. So I'm just going to move away from it rather than being like, this doesn't feel good. But how can I be fulfilled in relationships if I don't work through some of these things? Like, maybe it doesn't feel good because there's stuff for me to work on or work through. Instead they're like, oh, this doesn't feel good. So it might just be the person let me kind of remove myself. So it's really important for, for a dismissive one to recognize that for anybody who's thinking about this, as I say this, and I have other videos about this, but if you're like, how do I tell a DA about their attachment style? You don't tell them you're a dismissible boy because they'll take it personally the vast majority of the time because a lot of them had have this like, very hidden shame wound. But what you can do is be like, here's what I learned. Here's the different attachment styles. This is what I think I am. What do you think you are? And if you lay out some of the different qualities and traits, I mean, it should be pretty obvious to them. So that's another sort of strategy you can use. So I have some really exciting news and it's that integrated attachment theory training is back. So who is this for? Well, of course, this is for any individual who wants to make an impact and really be of service to others while also obtaining freedom and flexibility and abundance in their lives. And this is also for anybody who's already a counselor, a therapist, a coach, and just really wants to expand their toolkit. We've had so many people enter into the integrated attachment theory program because they're just looking to obtain a certain degree of mastery in terms of understanding their own attachment patterns and also the attachment patterns of maybe their children or partner or other loved ones in their lives so they can really support those people and understand them more deeply. So if you're interested, click the link below to learn more and dive in with me. And I'd love to see you on the other side before seats run out. So number four reason why the dismissal wouldn't won't chase you is because a lot of times, unfortunately, the idea of having this really healthy, securely attached, loving connection where there's mutual support and harmony and Empathy and you're growing together and you can hash problems out and work through them. A lot of that's an unknown, right? If you never have modeling for it, if you don't see it, and then you don't spend a lot of time, like, investing and like, understanding what relationships should look like. The concept, there is not a concept that's programmed into the subconscious. It's like, oh, yeah, loving relationships. Yeah, that seems like an interesting thing. But there's not this, like, understanding of it the way you might see with other attachment cells or this hopefulness around it. And so there can be this, like, unknown, unknown. Like they don't even know what they don't know, especially if they've never been in a relationship beyond the power struggle stage and actually made it out of the power struggle stage into the stability stage or commitment stages or bliss stage, where we're going to see a lot more richness, like sort of enriching in depth of the connection take place. And then number five, because of the shame wound, unfortunately. So anybod who experiences a lot of childhood emotional neglect generally is going to have a big defectiveness, poor wound. And it's this idea that, like, something's wrong with me at my core, and that's why I can't get my needs met. And because children personalize everything that they can't understand, they make it about them, right? So if they're. If there's caregivers who are not emotionally available, it's like, oh, it must be me. Something must be wrong with me at my core. And so unfortunately, you know, that will create a lot of feelings of shame. And this is where you're going to see dismissive avoidance, you know, not what to expect, expose themselves or be seen or put themselves really out there because they're like, if I'm really seen for how I am and who I am and how I feel, you know, you're going to see that something's wrong with me at my core. And I've had countless conversation with dismissive, avoidant clients who've said things like this to me. Like, I don't want to do that because they're going to see that, like, I'm flawed, you know, deeply flawed for who I am. I don't want to be seen. It doesn't feel good to me. And so this, these can all be blocks that hold somebody back. Now, if you're in this dynamic and you're like, hey, what do I do in this situation? If you're thinking of getting a relationship back or you're wanting to re participate in it. You can do a couple things, like you can have a conversation yourself. It's okay to initiate the conversation if you're not seeing somebody else. Initiate the conversation, put a deadline around it, vet the person, tell the person, hey, look, I miss you. I'm thinking of you. I'd love to hang out, spend some time together, maybe see where things go. But I would need to see that we're both doing things differently and get clear about like what those things are that you would need to see. And then take a period of time. If you're in a reconnection phase. You're. You're trying to reconnect in a relationship to vet to make sure that the person's actually showing up and doing those things. And this will help you decide and get really clear about is this even the right relationship or not. Rather than floating around in this kind of gray area, it can go on for very long periods of time and help you just get certainty right. Like set your mind to rest. Either it's going to work or not, but you're going to have the conversations to find out. I hope this is helpful for you. Of course, if somebody is doing a lot of unhealthy things, your answer may be like, you know what? It's not even right to, to reparticipate in it. In that case, I recommend doing some work to get closure around a breakup or an ex if, if it really hasn't been working out. But I hope this sort of makes sense for the topic for today. I hope this is helpful for you, supportive for you. I would love to know any questions you have about this down below. And hopefully there's. This just gives you some understanding. If somebody's not chasing and you care about them and you think they care about you, you can kind of understand why. And if you have any other questions, if you want to see other types of videos, please let me know. I always try to go in and kind of gather the inventory of ideas from the different comments you share. Thank you for watching. Thank you for stopping by. I hope you're enjoying this channel and if you're a subscriber, I will see you in tomorrow's video.