The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: “Dismissive Avoidants Don’t Chase — Here’s What It Means”

Date: October 14, 2025
Host: Thais Gibson

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson delves into the reasons why people with a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) attachment style rarely “chase” in relationships—even when they care deeply. She unpacks the subconscious protection mechanisms at play, the impact of childhood conditioning, and offers practical advice for listeners navigating relationships with DAs. The episode aims to foster understanding and provide actionable steps for both DAs and those involved with them.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Vulnerability as a Core Trigger for Dismissive Avoidants

• [00:45] Thais explains that DAs are not just afraid, but “conditioned to not want to be vulnerable.” This programming stems from childhood experiences where vulnerability was met with negative outcomes like shame or rejection.
• Quote:

  “Their subconscious mind…has programs that say if you’re vulnerable, all these bad things will happen. You’ll be shamed, you’ll be weak, you’re not acceptable.” (Thais Gibson, 01:07)

• Even if a DA consciously tries to embrace vulnerability, deep-rooted subconscious blocks prevent them from expressing their true feelings, especially through “chasing” behaviors such as reaching out after conflict or expressing longing.

2. Minimizing Attachment Needs During Distress

• [03:02] When faced with conflict or threats to the relationship, DAs instinctively minimize their attachment needs.
• Thais describes this process as a subconscious, almost “autopilot” response:

  “They will literally start telling themselves all the reasons why it wasn’t going to work anyways… They do things to minimize their attachment needs.” (Thais Gibson, 03:29)

• Tactics like flaw-finding are used as justified reasons to detach, but this is often temporary. After time apart, DAs might look back and recognize their critical mindset was self-protective.

3. The Perceived Ease of Being Alone

• [05:12] Many DAs conclude that being alone is simply easier than taking risks in relationships. Their brain is not wired for strong “personality needs” around connection and romance.
• Unless change feels logical and meaningful, DAs are less inclined to stretch emotionally:

  “Why would I go through the difficulty, the hardship… when it’s just easy and simple to be alone.” (Thais Gibson, 05:22)

• DAs who are unaware of their attachment style often self-sabotage or walk away instead of considering personal growth as a reason for discomfort.

4. Lack of Secure Attachment Modeling

• [08:01] Thais notes that DAs often don’t even have a subconscious concept of what “healthy, securely attached love” looks like.
• If they’ve never moved past the “power struggle” phase of relationships, the idea of mutually supportive, empathetic love remains foreign.

5. The Hidden Shame Wound

• [10:02] DAs frequently carry deep-seated feelings of defectiveness, rooted in childhood emotional neglect.
• Quote:

  “If I’m really seen for how I am and who I am and how I feel… you’re going to see that something’s wrong with me at my core.” (Thais Gibson, 10:25)

• This shame makes DAs reluctant to expose their true selves, further blocking vulnerability and reconnection.

Practical Guidance for Listeners

Strategies When Navigating Relationships with DAs

• [13:05] If you want to rekindle a relationship or bridge the gap:

  • Initiate Contact: It’s okay to reach out if you wish, but set a deadline for responses.
  • Communicate Needs: Be clear about what changes or progress you would need to see.
  • Observe & Decide: Take time to vet if the other person is genuinely showing up differently before committing.

• Quote:

  “Take a period of time, if you’re in a reconnection phase… vet to make sure the person’s actually showing up and doing those things. This will help you decide—get really clear about, is this even the right relationship?” (Thais Gibson, 13:42)

• Recognize when it’s healthier to seek closure and move on if the other party continues unhealthy patterns.

Advice for Sharing About Attachment Styles

• [07:29] Rather than labeling someone as “dismissive avoidant,” approach with curiosity:
  • Discuss what you’ve learned about attachment styles and ask the other person what they relate to.
  • Listing traits rather than assigning labels helps reduce defensiveness, especially given the shame wounds many DAs carry.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On DAs and Vulnerability:

  “Even though they may want to chase, really have this wall that goes up where it’s like, nope, that’s not the direction I’m going in.” (Thais Gibson, 01:51)

• On Childhood Impact:

  “If there’s caregivers who are not emotionally available, it’s like, oh, it must be me. Something must be wrong with me at my core.” (Thais Gibson, 10:10)

• On Relationship Clarity:

  “Rather than floating around in this kind of gray area—it can go on for very long periods of time—get certainty… either it’s going to work or not, but you’re going to have the conversations to find out.” (Thais Gibson, 14:37)

Episode Tone

• Supportive, empowering, and highly practical.
• Thais’s language remains gentle yet direct; she prioritizes clarity, empathy, and actionable advice throughout.

Segment Timestamps

| Segment | Topic | Timestamp | |-----------------------|-----------------------------------------------------------|:-------------:| | Opening | Why DAs Don’t Chase: Introduction & Purpose | 00:00 – 00:40 | | Key Trait 1 | Fear/Conditioning Around Vulnerability | 00:41 – 02:32 | | Key Trait 2 | Minimizing Attachment Needs in Conflict | 02:33 – 05:00 | | Key Trait 3 | The Draw of Being Alone & Personality Needs | 05:01 – 07:40 | | Communicating Styles | How to Approach DAs About Attachment Styles | 07:41 – 08:55 | | Key Trait 4 | Lack of Secure Attachment Modeling | 08:56 – 09:55 | | Key Trait 5 | The Shame Wound & Emotional Neglect | 09:56 – 12:30 | | Practical Advice | Steps for Listeners Navigating DA Relationships | 12:31 – 15:00 |

Summary

This episode offers an in-depth exploration of the hidden dynamics that keep Dismissive Avoidants from chasing in relationships. Thais Gibson combines attachment theory expertise with compassionate advice, empowering listeners to better understand themselves or their loved ones, and make relationship decisions from a place of knowledge and self-respect.

If you’re struggling with a DA partner—or wondering why someone you care for seems to pull away—this episode provides clarity and tangible next steps for moving forward.