The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: Do Fearful Avoidants Regret Leaving Relationships? | Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Date: October 28, 2025
Host: Thais Gibson

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores whether individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style regret ending relationships, particularly when breakups happen suddenly or impulsively. She delves into the emotional and psychological mechanisms behind the decisions made by fearful avoidants, clarifies what drives their behavior, and offers insight for both fearful avoidants and their partners on how to understand—and respond to—these dynamics. The episode is especially helpful for those seeking deeper self-awareness or wanting to support a loved one with this attachment style.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Core Mechanism: Walking Away from Fear, Not Indifference

• [00:00] Thais opens by emphasizing that fearful avoidants exit relationships due to fear rather than lack of care or feeling.
  • Quote: “They walk away out of fear, not indifference.” (Thais, 00:00)

2. Rapid Shifts Between Attachment Modes

• Fearful avoidants oscillate abruptly between anxious and avoidant states.
• When triggered, these emotional states feel like the entire reality to them; the middle ground becomes inaccessible.

3. The "Emotional Warehouse"

• Subconscious storage: Childhood traumas and repeated emotional experiences are stored in the subconscious—a “big warehouse.”
  • When triggered, the mind pulls open the “filing cabinets” of past pain and brings those feelings into the present.
• Example: Feeling unloved now can instantly trigger all the old feelings of being unloved, amplifying the current experience.

4. Triggers and Their Intensity

• [02:30–04:30] A trigger in the present reactivates stored emotional pain, making avoidant or anxious coping mechanisms come online intensely.
  • Quote: “A trigger is…your subconscious mind opening up those stored associations. The more associations you have there, the more strongly you're going to feel your experience.” (Thais, ~02:50)
• If someone, for instance, makes a fearful avoidant feel betrayed, they may push away more forcefully due to past betrayals being fired at once.

5. Breakups: Two Major Scenarios

• Fearful avoidants leave relationships in two common ways:

  A. The “Trigger Escape” Breakup

  • [09:30] During overwhelming emotional pain, it feels necessary to escape the source—often misattributed entirely to the other person.
    • Quote: “The subconscious...is not like, ‘oh, it’s my own internal baggage that's the source of the pain.’ It’s, ‘no, this person is bringing all this stuff up for me and I need this person to get as far away from me as possible.’” (Thais, ~09:55)
  • Once the trigger passes, regret and even shame or guilt often appear, as the break seemed driven by raw survival instinct rather than true desire.
    • Quote: “Often we’ll see fearfuls [after a breakup] into a lot of guilt, sometimes shame. And it can be really difficult.” (Thais, ~11:45)

  B. The “Uncommunicated Needs” Breakup

  • [15:00] Fearful avoidants typically lack proactive communication about their needs, only expressing them in frustration or at breaking points.
    • Quote: “Fearful avoidants only communicate their needs out of frustration. They usually never proactively communicate their needs in relationships…” (Thais, ~15:25)
  • This results in self-abandoning, people-pleasing behavior, and a buildup of unmet needs until a sudden tipping point where the relationship feels intolerable.
  • Most regret occurs later, once the fearful avoidant realizes some needs were being met or “the relationship wasn’t so one-sided,” especially if they reflect on the lack of communication.
    • Quote: “Had you just communicated your needs, you might have felt more considered.” (Thais, ~16:30)
  • This regret surfaces over time, usually around four to six weeks after the breakup, not immediately.
    • Quote: “But usually it’s after six weeks or so. Not an immediate regret… generally about four to six weeks.” (Thais, ~18:30)

6. Making Regulated Decisions

• [12:35] Thais stresses the importance of making relationship decisions from a “regulated place,” not during emotional peaks.
  • Ask: “Do I feel this way in the calm of the morning? At night? Or only in conflict?”
• Healthy endings should be made when emotions are regulated, not as a reaction to triggers.

7. Self-Blame, Meaning-Making, & Self-Worth

• Partners are reminded not to interpret a fearful avoidant’s withdrawal as a reflection of their own worth.
  • Quote: “It’s not about you not being good enough… it’s about them being so triggered.” (Thais, ~13:00)

8. Personal Responsibility and Growth

• Childhood imprints may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility.
  • Quote: “While they’re not your faults, they’re your responsibility to heal, unless you want to keep feeling that way.” (Thais, ~10:40)
• Recognizing your role (such as not communicating needs) can be empowering rather than blaming.

9. Timeline of Regret and Missing the Partner

• Immediate sense of relief/freedom often shifts after four to six weeks when baseline needs and positive aspects are missed.
• Missing an ex is common, but rekindling the relationship requires willingness and change from both parties.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the nature of triggers:
  “Your subconscious mind is like a big warehouse… when you get triggered… all of those feelings of unloved pour out.” (Thais, ~01:55)

• About breakups and regret:
  “Yes, fearful avoidants definitely regret breaking up… once they feel more calm after.” (Thais, ~11:20)

• On healthy decision-making:
  “You want to know that you made that decision when you woke up in the morning and nothing else was going on… It's not fear in the moment, it's truth.” (Thais, ~12:40)

• Insight about communicating needs:
  “This is one of the biggest things I saw working with people—how often FAs would think, my needs will never be met, so why bother? And then they would start doing the work and sharing their needs… and it would transform their relationships.” (Thais, ~16:45)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 – Introduction, why fearful avoidants leave
• 02:30 – Subconscious storage and triggers explained
• 09:30 – How intense triggers lead to sudden breakups
• 11:20 – Post-breakup regret, guilt, and shame in fearful avoidants
• 12:35 – Regulated vs. triggered decision-making
• 13:00 – Avoiding self-blame after a breakup
• 15:00 – The issue of uncommunicated needs
• 16:30 – The transformation possible with expressed needs
• 18:30 – Typical timeline for regret (4–6 weeks)
• 20:30 – Wrapping up: insight, self-growth, and moving forward

Tone & Approach

Thais provides empathetic, personal insight (“I once was a fearful avoidant...”) and encourages both responsibility and self-compassion. The language is accessible, gentle, and informative, fostering understanding and growth whether you are a fearful avoidant or the partner of one.

Summary Takeaways

• Fearful avoidant breakups are rarely about indifference—a massive amount of unconscious, stored pain and unmet needs are often at play.
• Regret is extremely common, especially once triggers subside or when the avoidant realizes needs could have been met through communication.
• Healing involves self-awareness, taking responsibility for imprints, and learning to communicate needs in a regulated state.
• Partners should avoid self-blame, understanding that much of a fearful avoidant’s reaction is about their inner experience, not the partner’s worth.
• Change is possible—self-work around attachment patterns leads to better relationships and personal peace.

For more on attachment theory, self-healing, and relationship tools, subscribe to The Thais Gibson Podcast and join upcoming trainings through the links provided by Thais.