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The Thais Gibson Podcast
Do Not Marry (Or Date) With the Expectation of Changing Your Partner | Thais Gibson
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If you're planning to marry somebody or get really serious with somebody in the future, hoping that they will change and hoping that they'll essentially turn around and start meeting your expectations later on in the relationship when they fall more in love, don't fall into this trap. So many people fall in love with a fantasy of a person or the expectation they have of somebody in the future. And that means they're connecting with somebody more in the fantasy world than in the reality. So in today's video, we're gonna break down five major reasons that this can create enormous dysfunction in a relationship long term. And we'll talk about what you can do inst and where this actually comes from. If you are somebody who finds yourself doing this because it actually says something really important and meaningful about you. So we'll cover that at the end. Number one reason this doesn't actually work is that you're basically seeing a fantasy or an image of the person that you've created or projected, not the person's reality. And so if you end up thinking, yeah, this person's going to be more present or emotionally available or more caring or loving what you're doing. Once we fall in love or when ABC changes, then you've actually set yourself up for a trap in advance. Because in the early stages of relationships, these are all about the connection highs. We're wearing the rose colored glasses, we see the person's best traits and qualities. But all relationships actually have a life cycle. We start in the dating stage, we enter into the honeymoon stage, and then we inevitably will get to the power struggle stage. And if we make it through, we then go into the rhythm stage and the devotion stage and the everlasting stage. But we often get stuck, stuck in the dating and honeymoon stage thinking, oh yeah, later on somebody will change because we've got those rose colored glasses on. One of the biggest things that goes wrong here under point number one is that the person on the receiving end of this when they know or start to catch onto the fact that you're essentially loving the expectation of them more than the person that they actually are, they actually register that from you as a lack of intimacy and a lack of availability from your side. Even if your intent of falling in love and hoping that this person will change in the future and having this feeling, future expectation is so that you can stay close to somebody. There's actually a really strong invisible wall that exists between you and somebody else. When you have a projected fantasy of somebody and you're trying to push them towards it, people Feel it. People are like, you're not accepting me as I am. And that actually really dampens the relationship intimacy and connection between the two of you. Number two, another huge thing that happens is if you're hoping somebody changes, it actually creates this silent background pressure in the relationship dynamic. And when people are on the receiving end of that and they feel like you're constantly trying push them to be somebody they're not. One of the primary casualties in this whole relationship dynamic is the need for acceptance. Somebody feeling accepted for who they are is actually a really important cornerstone and pillar of emotional intimacy. And I want you to pause and just think for a second about a time when somebody was trying to change you in your life and always said, oh, yeah, we have to do this differently. You have to show up more in this way, or you have to change this. This is really important. By the way, there's a difference between working together on something in a relationship by expressing your needs. Okay? Saying something like, hey, I need us to spend more quality time together. Let's plan a fun date night versus telling somebody that, like, how they are is not okay, and shaming or blaming them for it. If you're saying to a partner instead, you never show up. You're not present. What's going on with you? You should be more like this. My ex was more like this. If you start doing that approach, which you may or may not be if you're watching this video, but it's such an important thing to recognize, maybe this is something that's been done to you that only ever makes somebody feel shut down. They feel like, okay, you're supposed to love me, but you don't even accept me for how I am. And the approach that you're taking to try to bridge this gap that we're experiencing in our intimacy and our connection and our closeness, it's not working. It's not helping me at all. So it's so important. And this brings me to point number three, which is that when we eventually get to the power struggle stage of relationships, literally the way out of it, okay? Because statistically, most people break up in the power struggle stage of relationships. It's essentially the stage that you have to survive and get through. And one of the rites of passage of being able to move through this stage and into the preceding stages that are gonna be much more connecting and easy and build intimacy and closeness for the long haul. One of the rites of passage is that you have to learn to communicate through conflict in a way that literally is accepting of another person. And so again, when we think of this, I think that people think, oh, well, then what should I do? Never communicate a need. No, you should be communicating your needs in a relationship. You should share what you're needing. But you can share what you're needing without shaming and blaming and creating a pocket in the relationship that completely lacks acceptance for somebody else. Okay. And I think there's a really fundamental difference. And I'm saying this as somebody who's worked with thousands of people, thousands of couples, and you really see if somebody says something like, you don't text me enough, you don't care about me. It's a lack of acceptance, right? It's a blaming. It's sort of the shaming. And of course, that person's just, you know, yearning for a very innocent need that they have. But it doesn't get your need heard if instead you can say something to somebody like, hey, consistency is really important to me in a relationship. Are you open to working towards just stabilizing our consistency in our communication? Why don't we have like a 15 minute phone call every night before bed and make it a habit? If you can communicate that way and what you need, you're asking requests for people to just behaviorally take you into consideration rather than telling them that they're not doing what they aren't. And that actually often feels like a bit of a character assault where somebody's like, okay, you don't like me or accept me at my core. And so one of the fundamental differences here in point number three is that you have to be able to have healthy communication to move through, through the power struggle stage of relationships. And if you're somebody who gets stuck in the power struggle stage in relationship after relationship, we actually have a course you can check out fully, for free, for a limited time, all about the six stages of relationship. And we dive really deep into this and also how to move through each of the preceding stages, what the rites of passage are, what you need in order to thrive. And we have them broken down by attachment style. So it's like a roadmap for each attachment style and how they're gonna operate in each of the six stages. And you can check out yours and your partners again, fully, for free, for a limited time. And with that, for a limited, we're giving you the codependency course for free, for life, as a gift. I'll put the link to that down below. Number four, another big reason that we, you know, hurt and harm relationships by dating somebody's potential or the expectation of somebody is that what this does is it puts you in a place where it actually blocks intimacy. So if again, you're in a position where you're talking to somebody about how they should change, or if you have this idea of who this person is, and again, you. You may have been on the other side of this at some point in your life. And it's very relata. If you've ever had somebody come to you and they have you a bit on a pedestal and they're talking about all these things that they think that you are, but you're not really sure that you are those things. Like, if somebody comes to you and says, oh my gosh, you're so amazing at this and this, and you're like, well, I'm okay at those things, but that's not really, like, my strongest suit. A lot of times when we're dating, the fantasy of somebody or committing to that, we end up being stuck in a position where the person on the receiving end doesn't feel seen and they don't feel understood. And these are huge blocks to intimacy in all aspects. Emotional, physical, intellectual intimacy. Even, you know, if somebody is painting a picture of you and they are more connected to this image of you that they've created than who you actually are. And so I think it's so important to practice being in reality. Who is my partner, really? What are they truly available for? Let me talk about my needs and share them with them and see how they show up. Like, let me get really clear about who this person is in reality so that I'm not blinded by this sort of like, honeymoon stage infatuation that then makes me project this fantasy of a person that's actually going to come back to bite me later on. Number five. And I think this is one of the most important ones yet is that if we connect more to the fantasy of somebody than who they are in reality, then we end up not being able to actually build from a proper foundation. If you have this idea out here what's going to change or this expectation of somebody, you can't even, you know, if you think that this is who the person is, you're not building the foundation of a relationship on solid ground. It's like built on sand because you have this image of somebody that you're more connected with than the actual reality of who they are. And Love that Lasts is built on a. A really strong foundation where people openly talk about their needs. They're very clear and really able and capable to make each other feel seen and heard and connected in a relationship. And so that helps them navigate a relationship accordingly. And so I want to ask you a really important question, which is, you know, if you're connecting more with the fantasy of somebody and you fall in love with somebody's potential far too frequently, if this is a habit or pattern or theme for you, how is this actually meeting a need for you in your life? And I think the first inclination is like, no, it's not, it's not helping me, why am I doing this? But actually your subconscious mind only engages with things when it seems to meet some sort of need. And so maybe it's meeting a need for you to, you know, be able to stay silent about your needs and not have to feel like a burden. And by connecting with a fantasy and like, oh, this person will change, then, you know, instead of having to actually take up space and tell somebody what you're needing, what your boundaries are and see how they show up and vet them in reality, you get to stay connected to somebody even when you know they're, they're not the right fit and that helps you avoid abandonment. Maybe there's a part of you that feels like I'm not worthy of having my needs met. So it feels safer to not open up and to again, just date this like fantasy of somebody and move into the fantasy world and how you connect with them more than in reality. But you know, this is so important to be able to recognize and highlight because if you are caught in the fantasy world and you're not in reality with this person, then you're actually sabotaging your own relationships for the long run. And you're more likely to go through these cycles of dating and honeymoon and then power struggle and then breaking up and then going from relationship to relationship, repeating the same cycle, never making it out of the power struggle stage. And I want to say as well that the power struggle stage, going dating, honeymoon, power struggle, that's usually the first three years of a relationship. And for people who are in long, long term relationships, there's so much more after that. There's our preceding three stages where you could be in a 15, 20, 30 year relationship or marriage and dating honeymoon, power struggle is just the first two, three years. And so it's really important to note that how we show up will affect our ability to get beyond the power struggle. And if you' sitting here thinking relationships are always these high highs and these low lows because you never get beyond dating, honeymoon and then power struggle, which becomes a low, then you're sort of going to have a tainted view of relationships and how they tend to work. And so it's so important to be able to understand these things about yourself. Understand, you know, what fears you have that cause you to fall into this trap, whether it's abandonment, or feeling like a burden, or feeling unworthy, so that you can break through these things, rewire them at the subconscious level, and actually show up differently, primarily for yourself first. Because if you're betting, if you're showing up and actually making sure that you're with people according to your standards, your needs and your fears are not driving and dictating your behavior, you're much more likely to make it all the way to the everlasting stage of relationships. So I hope that that helps. Thank you so much for watching, for listening. Please, like, share and subscribe if you enjoyed today's video and I'll see you next.