Podcast Summary: “Does A Dismissive Avoidant Look Through Your Phone?”

The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: September 18, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores the nuanced question: Do people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles snoop on their romantic partners? Thais draws on her extensive client experience and attachment theory expertise to unravel why snooping happens, how dismissive avoidants approach it differently, and what the deeper implications—psychologically and relationally—are. She offers neuroscience-backed explanations, practical exercises for healthier communication, and reflections bridging modern psychology and ancient wisdom.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Do Dismissive Avoidants Snoop? (00:00–05:25)

• Thais addresses a common question: Are dismissive avoidants likely to look through a partner's phone?
• Core Insight:

  “At a high level, dismissive avoidants will often avoid snooping. They'll go to great lengths to actually avoid snooping. They often will say that this feels too involved.” (01:32)

• Many with this attachment style see snooping as being too vulnerable or "involved." If they feel the need to snoop, they often question the relationship's viability.

2. How Snoopng Manifests for Dismissive Avoidants (05:25–10:15)

• While phone snooping is rare (about 10% of cases), dismissive avoidants are more likely to:
  • Check their partner’s social media activity/history.
  • Casually inquire with mutual friends about a partner’s past, often indirectly.
• Context: Snooping emerges primarily when a dismissive avoidant is contemplating a significant commitment (moving in, long-term future) and perceives potential red flags.
• Quote:

  “The most common way a dismissive avoidant will snoop...is talking to their partner's friends about their past or exes...sort of looking for these cues or these specific things to validate whether or not that's the long term commitment that they would be getting into." (08:41)

3. Is It Ever OK to Snoop? (10:15–14:44)

• Thais is unequivocal: snooping is never a healthy or acceptable approach—it undermines trust.

• She emphasizes, however, that snooping often arises from unaddressed needs and patterns, not malice.

• Quote:

  “The answer is no. Honestly, it's a form of manipulation and it's unhealthy and it's something that actively violates the trust of a relationship.” (12:01)

• Sheds light on the nature of "manipulation":

  • It's not always insidious. Sometimes, it's just an indirect (and ultimately unhelpful) way to meet subconscious needs like certainty or reassurance.

• Comparative insight:
  Anxious attachments sometimes use other types of manipulation, such as provoking jealousy, which are also subconscious strategies to obtain validation.

4. Why Snooping Happens: The Neuroscience (14:44–19:28)

• Snooping stems from an inability to communicate vulnerably and directly.
• Neuroscience perspective:
  • The subconscious mind tries to get needs met through alternative strategies when direct approaches feel unsafe.
  • Manipulation is described as “rooted in a lack of feeling comfortable and safe enough to be vulnerable enough to communicate directly.” (15:57)
• Thais mentions research:
  • Oxytocin & Trust
    • Lower oxytocin levels (common in dismissive avoidants) make vulnerability and direct communication harder, leading to reliance on control strategies (like snooping).
    • See Paul Zak’s research on oxytocin. (20:06)
  • Rejection & The Brain
    • Perceived rejection (John Cacioppo’s study) reduces impulse control, which is particularly relevant for more anxious styles but contributes to indirect snooping in avoidants as well. (21:18)

5. Practical Exercise: Addressing Snooping Patterns (19:28–25:00)

• Self-reflection for those who snoop:
  • What outcome are you seeking by snooping?
  • What need is that outcome meant to fulfill (clarity, reassurance, etc.)?
  • How can you address this need directly with your partner through vulnerable conversation?
  • Quote:

    “How do I actually just get clarity and certainty or reassurance by talking directly to this person?” (22:00)

• If you’ve been snooped on:
  • Openly address the issue with your partner: Kindly discuss what happened and what unmet needs might be underlying it.
  • Emphasize the importance of trust and boundary-respecting conversation.
  • Quote:

    “It's not appropriate, it's not okay in this relationship for you to look through my things. I think it's something that's going to wear away, I trust long term. So I need you to talk to me directly and honestly.” (23:25)

6. Integrating Ancient Wisdom & Boundaries (25:00–29:00)

• Thais connects the principles to wider wisdom:
  • Lao Tzu:

    “He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.” (25:52)

  • Biblical reference (Matthew 5:37):

    “Let your yes be yes and your no be no. And truth about clear boundaries can create trust without control.” (26:30)

• Emphasizes that real trust and relationship health stem from clear boundaries and self-mastery, not control tactics.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the rarity of direct phone snooping:

  “I would say it's like 10% of the time. But what you will see is... dismissive avoidants snoop... not necessarily in a way where they're likely to get caught.” (04:52)

• On manipulation as a continuum:

  “Manipulation exists along a continuum... People can also be manipulative because the moment we don't know how to address something directly... your subconscious mind is a needs meeting machine.” (12:40)

• On the need for vulnerability:

  “Manipulation is literally rooted in a lack of feeling comfortable and safe enough to be vulnerable enough to communicate directly.” (15:57)

• Ancient wisdom:

  “Rather than monitoring your partner, we should be able to monitor our own reactions.” (25:47)

Important Timestamps

• 00:00–05:25: Introduction to snooping in dismissive avoidants
• 05:25–10:15: How snooping shows up and why
• 10:15–14:44: Is snooping ever okay? Manipulation explained
• 14:44–19:28: Neuroscience of trust, oxytocin, and indirect control
• 19:28–25:00: Guided self-inquiry and addressing snooping
• 25:00–29:00: Wisdom, boundary-setting, and concluding ideas

Takeaways

• Most dismissive avoidants avoid direct snooping due to an aversion to vulnerability. If they do snoop, it’s often indirect and signals commitment anxiety and communication issues.
• Snooping of any kind erodes trust and is best addressed through open, direct, and vulnerable communication.
• Both neuroscience and ancient wisdom point to the necessity for self-mastery and clear boundaries in building trust—rather than controlling or monitoring a partner.

This summary captures the heart and insights of Thais Gibson’s episode, offering practical exercises and compelling explanations for both those who snoop and those who are snooped upon. The emphasis throughout remains on compassionate understanding, self-awareness, and taking empowered steps towards more secure, trusting relationships.