Does A Dismissive Avoidant Look Through Your Phone? - The Thais Gibson Podcast

Podcast Summary: “Does A Dismissive Avoidant Look Through Your Phone?”

The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: September 18, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores the nuanced question: Do people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles snoop on their romantic partners? Thais draws on her extensive client experience and attachment theory expertise to unravel why snooping happens, how dismissive avoidants approach it differently, and what the deeper implications—psychologically and relationally—are. She offers neuroscience-backed explanations, practical exercises for healthier communication, and reflections bridging modern psychology and ancient wisdom.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Do Dismissive Avoidants Snoop? (00:00–05:25)

Thais addresses a common question: Are dismissive avoidants likely to look through a partner's phone?
Core Insight:

“At a high level, dismissive avoidants will often avoid snooping. They'll go to great lengths to actually avoid snooping. They often will say that this feels too involved.” (01:32)
Many with this attachment style see snooping as being too vulnerable or "involved." If they feel the need to snoop, they often question the relationship's viability.

2. How Snoopng Manifests for Dismissive Avoidants (05:25–10:15)

While phone snooping is rare (about 10% of cases), dismissive avoidants are more likely to:
- Check their partner’s social media activity/history.
- Casually inquire with mutual friends about a partner’s past, often indirectly.
Context: Snooping emerges primarily when a dismissive avoidant is contemplating a significant commitment (moving in, long-term future) and perceives potential red flags.
Quote:

“The most common way a dismissive avoidant will snoop...is talking to their partner's friends about their past or exes...sort of looking for these cues or these specific things to validate whether or not that's the long term commitment that they would be getting into." (08:41)

3. Is It Ever OK to Snoop? (10:15–14:44)

Thais is unequivocal: snooping is never a healthy or acceptable approach—it undermines trust.
She emphasizes, however, that snooping often arises from unaddressed needs and patterns, not malice.
Quote:

“The answer is no. Honestly, it's a form of manipulation and it's unhealthy and it's something that actively violates the trust of a relationship.” (12:01)
Sheds light on the nature of "manipulation":
- It's not always insidious. Sometimes, it's just an indirect (and ultimately unhelpful) way to meet subconscious needs like certainty or reassurance.
Comparative insight:
Anxious attachments sometimes use other types of manipulation, such as provoking jealousy, which are also subconscious strategies to obtain validation.

4. Why Snooping Happens: The Neuroscience (14:44–19:28)

Snooping stems from an inability to communicate vulnerably and directly.
Neuroscience perspective:
- The subconscious mind tries to get needs met through alternative strategies when direct approaches feel unsafe.
- Manipulation is described as “rooted in a lack of feeling comfortable and safe enough to be vulnerable enough to communicate directly.” (15:57)
Thais mentions research:
- Oxytocin & Trust
  - Lower oxytocin levels (common in dismissive avoidants) make vulnerability and direct communication harder, leading to reliance on control strategies (like snooping).
  - See Paul Zak’s research on oxytocin. (20:06)
- Rejection & The Brain
  - Perceived rejection (John Cacioppo’s study) reduces impulse control, which is particularly relevant for more anxious styles but contributes to indirect snooping in avoidants as well. (21:18)

5. Practical Exercise: Addressing Snooping Patterns (19:28–25:00)

Self-reflection for those who snoop:
- What outcome are you seeking by snooping?
- What need is that outcome meant to fulfill (clarity, reassurance, etc.)?
- How can you address this need directly with your partner through vulnerable conversation?
- Quote:
  
  “How do I actually just get clarity and certainty or reassurance by talking directly to this person?” (22:00)
If you’ve been snooped on:
- Openly address the issue with your partner: Kindly discuss what happened and what unmet needs might be underlying it.
- Emphasize the importance of trust and boundary-respecting conversation.
- Quote:
  
  “It's not appropriate, it's not okay in this relationship for you to look through my things. I think it's something that's going to wear away, I trust long term. So I need you to talk to me directly and honestly.” (23:25)

6. Integrating Ancient Wisdom & Boundaries (25:00–29:00)

Thais connects the principles to wider wisdom:
- Lao Tzu:
  
  “He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.” (25:52)
- Biblical reference (Matthew 5:37):
  
  “Let your yes be yes and your no be no. And truth about clear boundaries can create trust without control.” (26:30)
Emphasizes that real trust and relationship health stem from clear boundaries and self-mastery, not control tactics.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On the rarity of direct phone snooping:

“I would say it's like 10% of the time. But what you will see is... dismissive avoidants snoop... not necessarily in a way where they're likely to get caught.” (04:52)
On manipulation as a continuum:

“Manipulation exists along a continuum... People can also be manipulative because the moment we don't know how to address something directly... your subconscious mind is a needs meeting machine.” (12:40)
On the need for vulnerability:

“Manipulation is literally rooted in a lack of feeling comfortable and safe enough to be vulnerable enough to communicate directly.” (15:57)
Ancient wisdom:

“Rather than monitoring your partner, we should be able to monitor our own reactions.” (25:47)

Important Timestamps

00:00–05:25: Introduction to snooping in dismissive avoidants
05:25–10:15: How snooping shows up and why
10:15–14:44: Is snooping ever okay? Manipulation explained
14:44–19:28: Neuroscience of trust, oxytocin, and indirect control
19:28–25:00: Guided self-inquiry and addressing snooping
25:00–29:00: Wisdom, boundary-setting, and concluding ideas

Takeaways

Most dismissive avoidants avoid direct snooping due to an aversion to vulnerability. If they do snoop, it’s often indirect and signals commitment anxiety and communication issues.
Snooping of any kind erodes trust and is best addressed through open, direct, and vulnerable communication.
Both neuroscience and ancient wisdom point to the necessity for self-mastery and clear boundaries in building trust—rather than controlling or monitoring a partner.

This summary captures the heart and insights of Thais Gibson’s episode, offering practical exercises and compelling explanations for both those who snoop and those who are snooped upon. The emphasis throughout remains on compassionate understanding, self-awareness, and taking empowered steps towards more secure, trusting relationships.

Transcript

A (0:00)

A burning question so many people are curious about is whether or not dismissive, avoidant attachment styles ever snoop in their relationship. And the answer to this is sometimes, but not always in the way that you would think. So in today's video, I'm going to break down with you, first and foremost, whether or not this actually happens. We're going to talk about the cases in which it does or might. We'll talk about what this actually means in a relationship, and we're going to talk most importantly about why people snoop in general in relationships and the neuroscience behind what's happening here and the impact of it. And then at the end, we will go into an exercise that you can start doing today. If you are in the receiving end of snooping or if you are the one that may have ever been doing this and does not want to recreate these patterns in your relationships. I want to make a note of the fact that all of this information I'm giving to you is based on thousands of client discussions I had with dismissive avoidance in particular when I was running my client practice. Okay, so this is based on like real life scenarios, real life people. Of course, that sample size of people is also dismissive avoidance who came in to actually do the work. And I also will say that the sample size of dismissive avoidance I had in the grand scheme of who I saw in my client practice was probably like 15, 20%, whereas the vast majority of people were fearful, avoidant and anxious. But we're going to talk about the real life stories that I heard and just some of the actual things dismissive avoidance have shared. So here's the first major theme. At a high level, dismissive avoidance will often avoid snooping. They'll go to great lengths to actually avoid snooping. They often will say that this feels too involved. They don't even want to be vulnerable enough essentially to admit that they are inclined to snoop. Snoop. Okay, so a lot of dismissive avoidance, when I would have the conversations with them, have you gone through your partner's phone or anything like that in your past and your history? Most of them, a lot of the time would say, no, no, no, I wouldn't want to do that. Like, as soon as I get into that space, I'm probably in the wrong relationship. So that was the first high level answer or point of discussion. But that didn't mean that snooping didn't happen in different forms for them. Snooping is rare, but if it does happen, it's usually signaling that they have some sort of investment. And they also have seen some red flags, but they don't know how to address them directly. So let's talk about how dismissive avoidants tend to snoop and then what this actually means, what this is essentially a symptom of in a relationship. The way a dismissive avoidant will often snoop is if they are truly thinking about a long term commitment with somebody and if they've seen some degree of red flags. So long term commitment can be like investing in an actual relationship. But honestly, I've seen dismissive avoidance snoop in most cases when they're thinking of, you know, moving in with somebody or settling down with somebody in some sort of way, and they're essentially trying to figure out if this is the right decision. Now they will not snoop necessarily by going through somebody's phone. Although I have seen that with dismissive avoidance on occasion. I would say it's like 10% of the time. But what you will see is the way dismissive avoidance snoop are still these roundabout ways of collecting information, though not necessarily in a way where they're likely to get caught, like trying to look through their partner's phone when they're sleeping, for example. So instead, the way dismissive avoidants will often snoop is to look through their social media and social media history to do a little bit of digging and detective work there eventually. And again, this is like a small portion of dismissive avoidance when they do this, but it usually is around these more vulnerable connections. So when they're really interested in somebody. But the most common way a dismissive avoidant will snoop, and this is actually quite common, this isn't just your 10% is talking to their partner's friends about their past or exes, and they may not talk directly and say, oh, who have they dated? And what were all those relationships like? And what can you tell me? But they'll take a little bit at a high level and say, oh yeah, you know that past relationship, yeah, I've heard that person mention before. Did they, did they fight a lot? Was there a lot of arguing? And they're sort of looking for these cues or these specific things to validate whether or not that's the long term commitment that they would be getting into. So I think this begs a much deeper question. Number one, is it ever okay to snoop in a relationship? And number two, what is this symptomatic of in the case of a dismissive avoidance? So if they do do this, if they do approach friends and ask questions about somebody, what does this mean? Like what is going on in their internal reality? So here's the short answer. Is it ever okay to snoop? The answer is no. Honestly, it's a form of manipulation and it's unhealthy and it's something that actively violates the trust of a relationship. Now what I am not saying when I say this is that if you've snooped that you're bad or that you're unhealthy. I had a relationship when I was a fearful avoidant at 18 years old and I snooped through that person's phone. So, like, I'm not here to judge that, right? But what I want to talk about is, you know, what's actually happening. And I want to break this down for a moment. And this very much is in direct alignment with a dismissive avoidant, okay? And why they snoop indirectly through talking to friends of their partner or asking questions, or sort of moving through all of their social media information and profile and history to try to gather and sort of do detective work on information. When somebody is snooping, it is a symptom of communication struggles in a relationship. And honestly, it's a symptom of manipulation. Now, I don't want us to think of manipulation as being this really dark, insidious thing. Of course it can be. But like anything else else, manipulation exists along a continuum. Somebody can be manipulative by like actively lying or gaslighting, right? And those are very manipulative. That's like at our strong polarity here. But people can also be manipulative because the moment we don't know how to address something directly in that very moment, because the subconscious mind is a needs meeting machine. And if you've been watching this channel, you know that the subconscious mind is responsible for 95% of all of your beliefs and thoughts and emotions and actions. So because of this, your subconscious mind is going to find a way to get its needs method. So if you have a need for certainty, if you have a need for reassurance that you're making the right decision to invest in somebody long term, if you have a need for clarity around this person, if you have a need for any of these things, but you within yourself don't feel comfortable being vulnerable enough to communicate about it or ask deeper questions, then what will happen is it will sort of fester, right? You'll sit there and feel like something's not met, you're not 100% sure, and then it will fester over time, and then all of a sudden it'll become a thing. And your subconscious mind will find a roundabout way to get Its. And that's all manipulation is. Manipulation is literally rooted in a lack of feeling comfortable and safe enough to be vulnerable enough to communicate directly. Okay? And you can see this in all different attachment styles, like anxious attachment styles. Sometimes they'll manipulate, and it's not like they're intending to be manipulative, but they'll manipulate somebody in a sense where they're trying to maybe provoke their partner and make them jealous to see if they care. What is that? It's a subconscious strategy to get reassurance or validation. It's manipulative because they're going to flirt with somebody else to then see if it creates a reaction from their partner to then see if that's, you know, a form of reassurance. And by the way, that usually works terribly with dismissive avoidance. But these are roundabout ways, right? And they're rooted in innocence. A lot of the time they're kind of over here on the manipulative scale. The person isn't like, oh, how can I get this person? And pull the wool over their eyes. There's no premeditated manipulation, but these are manipulative strategies nonetheless. And honestly, snooping through somebody's phone rather than feeling comfortable and safe enough to have direct conversations is just another form of that manipulation. It's kind of this innocent, roundabout way of trying to get a need met. And how this pertains particularly to a dismissive avoidant is the fact that when they are struggling to communicate because they don't know how to feel vulnerable enough to say, hey, I'm really thinking of committing long term and moving this ahead. And I also feel concerned about a couple of things. Can we talk about it? They don't know how to often address those things directly. And so instead what happens is there are these indirect forms of trying to collect data and information that inevitably violate trust in a relationship. Now, again, like I said earlier, this doesn't mean that, you know, all dismissive avoidants are doing this. This is a small percentage of dismissive avoidants that tend to do this, but important to note nonetheless. I just want to let you know we have a course that you can check out fully for free. It's a free access to it for seven days, which is more than enough time to get through this course. It's called Repairing Broken Trust and Overcoming Jealousy. And it actually rewires your neural pathways. Everything that we do at the Personal Development School is designed to target the subconscious mind, because your subconscious mind is responsible for 95% plus of all of your beliefs and thoughts and Emotions and actions. So we have a three step system that uniquely helps you find your personal patterns, rewire what's not working, and really anchor them in for 21 days to build those neural pathways strong enough that they're likely to stick and will really create a lot of positive impact on your trust challenges or issues. Because honestly, as somebody who once lived with them myself, it is really painful and really hard to have trust issues. Like, it just makes relationships next to impossible sometimes for just a few days. This month, you'll also get access to how to heal from a breakup course for free for life. So you literally get a free gift. It's like a giveaway. On top of that, a really powerful course based on principles of grief. Now, from a neuroscience perspective, there's a really powerful study done on oxytocin and trust. And the researcher, Paul Zach, his research actually showed that oxytocin is something that is critical for building trust. Now, if you're not familiar, oxytocin is the bonding neurochemical. And when it's low, which is more common for dismissive avoidant attachment cells, people end up relying on control strategies like snooping instead of vulnerability, because they often don't feel safely bonded enough to somebody to be able to communicate. Now, the functional reason that dismissive avoidants often have less oxytocin in relationships is that they are not in a position where they are able to be emotionally available to themselves, and so they don't have that bandwidth with others. Right. It's like, if you don't even know what you're feeling inside of you, how could you share that with somebody else? There was also a study done by researcher John Cacioppo on loneliness that actually found that perceived rejection reduces activity in the prefrontal cortex, which then impairs impulse control. Now, this tends to be a little bit more relevant for anxious attachment styles and fearful avoidance, who are slightly more sensitive and in some cases significantly more sensitive to rejection than a dismissive avoidant, which then causes impulse control issues in regards to how to deal with that. But this can still appeal or apply to dismiss avoidance, because they may still snoop indirectly when they're also feeling rejected or insecure or not able to get their needs met for that reassurance or clarity in regards to the next steps to take in a relationship. Okay, so back to the exercise. So I want you to start by asking yourself, okay, if you were somebody who has ever snooped, you can ask yourself, number one, what outcome am I trying to get by snooping? And that might sound Like a silly question, but it really pertains to our next question, which is, if I get that outcome, what need does that meet for me in a relationship? So, for example, if you're saying, okay, well, the outcome I'm trying to get is to find out more about this person's past, and maybe that then gives you clarity about whether or not this is the right person for your future, what need does that mean? Clarity, Maybe certainty, maybe reassurance. And then what I want you to ask yourself is, how can you address this need more directly in a relationship? How do I actually just get clarity and certainty or reassurance by talking directly to this person, by maybe talking more to them about their values and morals and how they see their future looking and really diving into asking harder questions, more vulnerable questions in the relationship. So you get clarity that way in ways that build the relationship rather than in ways that indirectly can destroy it over time. And if you're the one who is getting snooped on. So if you know, if you're watching this video and somebody's been through your stuff, your best thing to do is have the conversation basically in the reverse order. So to go to the person and say, hey, look, I'm seeing that you might have been looking through my phone or looking into things. And I really want to understand, first of all, why is this happening? And is there something you want to talk to me directly about? So let's hash it out. Let's figure out what, what's coming between us. If you need certainty or clarity on something because it's not appropriate, it's not okay in this relationship for you to look through my things, I think it's something that's going to wear away, I trust long term. So I need you to talk to me directly and honestly. It reminds me of a lot Tzu quote where Lao Tzu says, he who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. And really this dives into this idea that Ra, rather than monitoring your partner, we should be able to monitor our own reactions. And we can really connect this with boundary setting. It is so important to be able to have healthy boundaries in a relationship. And in Matthew 5:37, Jesus says, Let your yes BS and your no be no. And truth about clear boundaries can create trust without control. So if we don't set a line somewhere, then we end up in a situation where you're boundaryless. And that's enabling those behaviors in a relationship in unhealthy ways which are only going to wear away at the relationship over time and honestly probably make it feel if you're the one who has your boundaries violated, like, oh, then maybe it's okay for me to snoop too. And it's literally using that strategy of snooping back and forth is putting a band aid over your need for certainty and reassurance and validation and stopping you from having the real conversations and growing towards that, growing towards more vulnerability in your relationship, more openness in your conversations, which are a necessary part of secure relationships as a whole. That is it for today. I hope you enjoyed this video. If you did, please like share, subscribe. I would really appreciate it. I would love to see you back. I put daily videos out here on YouTube literally every single day all about attachment styles. And I try to, because I love this stuff and you can let me know what you think. I try to really overlap, you know, a lot of, you know, understanding and insight from a psychological perspective within the neuroscience and studies, and then really diving in from there to talk about how that overlaps with ancient wisdom, because I think there's a lot of power in where those things draw together and there often merit many parallels too. So I hope you enjoyed, enjoyed this video. Thank you for being here and I will see you next time.