The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: Fearful Avoidant | The Childhood Pain That Nobody Talks About (HOW TO HEAL!)

Host: Thais Gibson
Date: December 13, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores the fearful avoidant (FA) attachment style, focusing on the deep, seldom-discussed childhood pain beneath its behaviors. Thais Gibson guides listeners through the roots of FA conditioning, explains its impact on the subconscious and nervous system, highlights ancient wisdom on healing, and shares a life-changing practical exercise for "reprogramming" painful beliefs. The tone is compassionate, empowering, and practical — offering both the why and the how of transformation.

Key Discussion Points

1. Foundations of Fearful Avoidant Attachment (00:00–10:23)

• Core Pain: At the heart of the fearful avoidant style is inner pain from childhood chaos, broken trust, and unpredictability.
  • "Behind the push pull, the mixed signals and even all of the different self sabotaging behaviors is actually a childhood full of inner pain. Hidden pain that most people don't even realize is there." (00:08)
• Examples of Origin:
  • Growing up with caregivers with addictions, personality disorders (e.g., narcissism), ongoing conflict, or unpredictable affection creates hypervigilance and distrust.
  • “You never know what you’re gonna get.” (02:35)
• Lasting Wounds: Fearful avoidants develop fears of abandonment, being trapped, unworthiness, and chronic over-giving to prove worth.
  • "You might feel a lot of internalized shame or find yourself constantly overcompensating...just to feel like you're worthy of love at all." (06:00)

2. Neuroscience of Emotional Conditioning (10:24–22:11)

• Conditioning Defined: Early life experiences shape subconscious triggers and coping mechanisms — this becomes "your identity."
  • “The way that you have grown up to a very large degree...has shaped different parts of your personality.” (10:55)
• How Triggers Work: Emotional wounds (fear of abandonment, unworthiness, betrayal) bypass the rational brain and immediately activate fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses.
  • "They actually bypass the rational brain..." (12:33)
  • "If you find yourself jumping into that triggering event so fast before you even feel like you have control...that’s actually why.” (13:20)
• Pavlov’s Dogs Analogy: Just as a bell triggers salivation for dogs, loving and close relationships can trigger FAs’ painful associations from childhood.
• Negativity Bias: The brain stores threats to keep us safe but tends to reproject past threats into the present, causing nervous system dysregulation.
  • "We are all wired to hang on to negative things...so that we can protect ourselves from them." (17:20)

3. Conditioning as the Root Cause of Nervous System Dysregulation (22:12–28:00)

• Nervous System as an Effect: Underlying subconscious conditioning dysregulates the nervous system, not merely external events.
  • "The nervous system is the effect of first your subconscious conditioning." (24:00)
• Two Paths to Change:
  1. Transcendence — Practicing non-attachment to wounds/thoughts.
  2. Rewiring (Neuroplasticity) — Actively updating subconscious programming.

Ancient Wisdom & Spiritual Parallels (28:01–46:45)

1. Buddhist Teachings

• Clinging to concepts/fears causes suffering; liberation comes from observing, not identifying.
  • “If you have the ability to observe that you have a wound...then you are obviously not the conditioning itself. You are the witness behind it.” (33:50)
• Practical Analogy: You are not the pen you observe; likewise, you are not your thoughts.

2. Taoist Perspective

• Quote: “Empty yourself of everything. Let the mind rest at peace. The 10,000 things rise and fall while the self watches their return...Returning to the source is stillness, which is our way of nature.” (from the Tao Te Ching, paraphrased at 40:00)
• Meaning: Your stories and wounds ("10,000 things") are not your essence. True healing is resting in your awareness.

3. Gospel of Thomas Reference

• Quote: "My soul ached for the children of humanity because they were blind in their hearts and couldn't see. Meanwhile, they're drunk. When they shake off their wine, they'll then be able to change." (45:10)
• Being "drunk" means being lost in your conditioning, unable to see clearly.
• "People are not in their right mind when conditioning is active." (46:00)

4. Rumi’s Poem

• Quote: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there...” (47:42)
• In context: True healing happens “beyond” your conditioned beliefs and polarities.

Transformative Exercise: Belief Reprogramming (46:46–end)

Overview

Thais shares her personal, most impactful practice for releasing FA conditioning: a neuroscience-backed exercise to rewire beliefs at the subconscious level.

Step-by-Step Instructions

1. Identify Your "Bear in the Woods":

   • Write down your core painful belief (e.g., "I will be abandoned," "I am unworthy").
   • "Get really clear on what your bear in the woods is." (51:05)

2. Find Its Opposite:

   • Determine a balanced, opposite belief (e.g., “I will have connection,” “I am worthy”).
   • “The idea of rewiring isn't that we wire in a new idea, it's that we equilibrate out an old one.” (52:00)

3. Collect Evidence (Engage the Subconscious):

   • List 10–15 specific memories or proof that the opposite belief is possible or true. (E.g., times you’ve been shown love, acts of loyalty from others, moments of feeling worthy.)
   • “The more specific you get in your proof or evidence, the more emotion it elicits and the more it engages the subconscious mind as a result.” (54:30)

4. Integrate New Conditioning:

   • Record yourself speaking your list out loud.
   • Listen back daily for 21 days — using emotion and visualization.
   • “Neural pathways actually build through repetition and emotion.” (55:10)
   • "This will return you to balanced programming..." (56:20)

Why This Works

• The subconscious stores pain as emotional imagery, not words.
• Affirmations alone don't work because the subconscious doesn't process language — memories and emotions are what drive real change.
  • “Affirmations...that’s not even speaking to the subconscious mind, which is where the house of the problem exists.” (58:20)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "You are not your conditioning. You are the awareness behind it." (33:58)
• "Our strongest...and long-lasting conditioning actually comes from our early childhood experiences." (12:01)
• "The more the mind takes you for a ride...the more you divorce yourself from the ability to stay in connection." (44:49)
• On the Bowl of Light analogy: "The stones...are our conditioning. All the wounds we've collected...every time we hold onto a stone, we block our own inner light..." (59:25)
• "When we can start taking the stones out...by reconditioning them, it then puts us back into connection with our own...light." (1:00:25)

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–03:55 — Introduction & high-level summary of FA pain
• 06:00–10:23 — Root causes and examples of chaotic childhoods
• 12:33–14:00 — Neurological triggers & subconscious response
• 17:20–19:50 — Negativity bias and relationships
• 22:12–24:50 — Conditioning vs. nervous system dysregulation
• 28:00–35:00 — Ancient wisdom: Buddhism & disidentification
• 40:00–44:49 — Taoism, Gospel of Thomas, and Rumi on healing/transcendence
• 46:46–1:00:25 — Step-by-step reprogramming exercise & Bowl of Light metaphor

Summary & Takeaways

Thais Gibson’s episode delivers a profound, integrated roadmap for understanding and healing the hidden pain of the fearful avoidant. By weaving together neuroscience and ancient spiritual wisdom, she demystifies why relationship triggers persist and offers tangible tools — not just for management, but real transformation. The "Belief Reprogramming" exercise is especially actionable, promising to help listeners gently but effectively release their oldest, most stubborn wounds.

If you resonated with Thais’s approach or want more in-depth resources, she offers free access to her course on discovering and communicating your needs, briefly mentioned at 14:40.