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The Thais Gibson Podcast
Fearful Avoidants Are Often Attracted to THESE 4 Wrong Types of People for Them
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If you're a fearful avoidant attachment style, one thing you really need to understand is that you might actually be constantly attracted to the wrong people. Not only that, but sometimes the archetype of person that you're attracted to says everything that you need to know about where you're at in your own healing journey and exactly what it is that you need to heal next. So in today's video, I'm going to break down the four major types of people that fearful, avoidance, get attracted to. Why this can end up being the wrong type of person or wrong relationship, how you can actually still make that right and get back on a good track somehow. If that's a possibility, we'll talk about how to find out and most importantly, what this is actually saying about what you need to do in your own healing journey. Now, if you're new to this channel, hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson and the founder of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory, the proven method to help you rewire your attachment style by leveraging nervous system regulation and neuroplasticity. Foreign let's break this down. I'm really excited to share this with you. And if you are a fearful avoidant that likes to go deep and really understand these things, you're probably going to enjoy this. Here's the first thing that you need to know. Before we even get into the four types of people that you're attracted to and what that means, you need to understand that our subconscious mind, okay, which is responsible for 95 plus percent of all of our beliefs, our thoughts, our emotions, our actions, our subconscious mind literally is attracted the most to people who remind us of our subconscious comfort zone. And what that means is that people who are familiar to us, people who feel safe, familiarity to your subconscious mind equals safety and thus survival. And ultimately we're survival wired. So what feels the most familiar to you? It's actually the way that you treat yourself. So if you are in a relationship with somebody and you find yourself, for example, being attracted to and investing in people who violate your boundaries as an example here, we're going to get into the actual types of themes. You'll see. But this generally says about you that you probably have some of your own boundary work to do. You probably feel comfortable and familiar around people who violate your boundaries because you violate your own boundaries all the time to please other people or to show up for other people first. So literally the people that we invest in and we are attracted to our conscious mind, our logical, analytical, thinking mind might say, I want somebody really healthy and Emotionally available and consistent. But if your subconscious mind, and thus nervous system, which is constantly responding to your subconscious mind and conditioning, if your literal subconscious comfort zone is chaos, you're going to be attracted to and investing in chaos. Okay, so let's actually break down the four major types of people fearful avoidance tend to be attracted to the most archetype. Number one is other really hot and cold types. In other words, usually other fearful avoidance. And when fearful avoidance are investing in and attracted to other fearful avoidance, it's honestly usually when their nervous system is in peak chaos. And I want you to understand here that your nervous system is not just responding to things in your everyday environment, your nervous system the vast majority of the time. And it's why you can't properly, properly heal your nervous system without doing subconscious work first. Or at least alongside of this, your nervous system is responding to threats that are stored that are in your subconscious mind. Because your subconscious mind is like a giant warehouse of conditioning. And what I mean by this is, let's say as an example, you are in a situation where you are being chased by a bear in the woods and you run away and you're safe. And that's great, thank goodness. But the very next day, you have to go back into those same woods where you saw the bear the day before. What does your mind do? Well, your mind has stored the threat of the bear and is projecting. When you go back into the woods, oh my gosh, the bear could pop out at any time. Where's the bear? And if you hear the bushes move or the trees blow in the wind, you're like preparing for the bear to jump out at you. And so your subconscious mind has stored the threat and is now seeing the woods through the lens of the stored threat from the day before. This is how our conditioning works. And our subconscious mind is wired to hang on to negative things a lot more than positive things, because we have this negativity bias for survival. You don't remember after being chased by a bear the pretty flowers that were next to the bear's claws? No, you remember the bear's teeth and how big the bear's claws were. Right. So we hang on to those things a little bit more so than positive things. Now, that's an analogy for your life. If you grew up in a household where you felt like trust was broken, or you felt abandoned, or you felt like there was a lot of betrayal, or you felt controlled or trapped, well, that all becomes your own personal version of your bear in the woods. In other words, you end up Going through your life and experiences, bracing all the time when you go back into a new relationship or a new connection for those things. However, at the same time, which is so wild because you are in a position where you are preoccupied with these things all the time, they actually feel familiar. And so will your conscious, logical, analytical mind is like, I don't want that. Your subconscious mind is somewhat attracted to people who will still mirror those same things back to you again. Hence why so many people who come from, for example, a household where their parents were addicts as an adult end up in relationships with other addicts or become addicts themselves. Or people who came from a household where they had parents who were narcissists end up dating narcissists as adults. You see these patterns play out specifically for these reasons. So let's just bring this back here now for a moment. How this actually relates to everything else is the fact that once you are in a situation, if you're attracted to other hot and cold people all the time, it's because your nervous system is in chaos. Because you usually have a lot of fears, a lot of wounds, you struggle to regulate yourself. And so if you find yourself really attracted to other hot and cold types, trauma, bonded relationships, big ups and downs in relationships, those type of roller coaster connections where it's like really hot one day and really cold another day, that usually means you have a lot of inner healing to do about your own subconscious wounds, those betrayal wounds, those abandonment wounds, those wounds around fearing being trapped, helpless, powerless, all these types of things. And by healing those wounds at a subconscious level and rewiring them, because you're not born with them and you can rewire them, and we do have videos on this channel that talk about it. You then get a chance to regulate your nervous system and not constantly be imagining there's a bear in the woods, which then in turn causes you to brace, get into the space of fear, feel all these emotions that are made up of neurochemical reactions that will then actually cause your nervous system to go into high alert, into sympathetic nervous system mode. So we have to do that subconscious healing work along with nervous system regulation work. And those two things together here allow you to come out of that. Specifically, if you want to check out courses that help you recondition all those painful stories that just go on and on in your mind, and projections of all of these outcomes, we have a whole course you can check out fully for free for a limited time, all about what a secure and healthy relationship looks like. This is just available for A limited time. And I will put that link down below if you want to check it out further. But here's the second major piece. Okay. If you are a fearful avoidant and you find instead that you're not as attracted to the really hot and cold, chaotic people, if in fact, you find instead that you're more attracted to people who are more avoidant, who don't really pay attention as much to your needs because they're sort of focused on their own and they're really independent and they're not very present with you, and they're not as emotionally available to you as you would like them to be, well, then you have to take a look at that. What within me treats myself that way. Allowing this to be familiar, allowing my subconscious mind, which is running, that 95% of me to want to invest in people like that because it feels safe. And so usually this is the fearful avoidant who's in their healing journey, who ends up in a position where they don't know how to communicate their own needs, don't know how to be vulnerable and let people in and take up space. Usually the type of fearful avoidant who struggles to receive from others. They're big givers, but they're not good at receiving or asking for help or support. Often as well, fearful avoidance who are more emotionally present and available to others than they are to themselves, which is why that dismissive avoidant type feels so familiar and so safe. Okay, so that means that's what you want to be working on in your healing journey, is taking up space, knowing your needs, being more present with yourself, doing boundary work, practicing actively receiving, like that's what's for you in your healing journey. If you constantly find yourself in relationships with avoidance, if instead you find yourself archetype number three in relationships with anxious types who expect a lot from you, who put a lot of pressure on you. Maybe they're very sweet and loving, but at the same time, you feel like they always want more time and more connection. That actually says about you that you're struggling the most with your boundaries, that you are struggling the most to set your boundaries, which, by the way, is another one of our major pillars of attachment style healing. And so you may find yourself in a position where you put a lot of pressure and expectation on yourself. You constantly expect so much from yourself to give and pour into other people, but you may not be filling your own cup or allowing yourself to have boundaries, to take time for yourself. You may also find yourself being somebody who's codependent and Enmeshed as a fearful avoidant. If you often end up in relationships with anxious attachment styles. And so that will be your work and your healing. And last but not least, and this is kind of the biggest one for last, you end up in relationships with narcissistic types. You know, either somebody who you think may have had or does have narcissistic personality disorder, or people who are just highly narcissistic. And usually these are the main themes you see from narcissists. They manipulate you, they violate your boundaries, they end up, unfortunately, trying to take advantage of people in a situation. And they're really harsh to other people and very critical. And so if you're seeing these themes in your history of relationships and who you invest in and who you're attracted to, those are usually the biggest things you struggle with in the relationship to self. You violate your own boundaries to please other people. You manipulate yourself to be what you think people want you to be around you. You end up in situations where maybe you're not empathetic with yourself because you're too busy over empathizing with everybody else. You forget about you. And then of course, you may be very highly critical to yourself. And that's why when you meet a narcissist when they're starting to treat you poorly, your conscious mind knows it's not healthy, you know it's not right. But deep down, subconsciously, you're like, why don't I just leave? I can't seem to leave. I can't get away. Because our subconscious literally is running the show. And we'll keep saying sticking to things that are familiar and that can be the most harmful, painful thing to go through. So by healing these things and changing them within yourself, that is when you are then empowered to not invest in the wrong people going forward. And that's where you really have control over yourself and relationships. Back again, that's it for today. This is such a broader topic. If you want to go deeper, check out that free trial to the Personal Development school. You can check out the Belief Rewiring course, the Somatic and Nervous System Regulation course, and those will be so such helpful places to start. But those are really some of the big steps to healing your attachment style when and for all. I hope this is helpful for you today. Please, like share and subscribe if you enjoyed today's video. Thank you for watching and I'll see you next time.