Podcast Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Episode: Fearful Avoidants Are Often Attracted to THESE 4 Wrong Types of People for Them
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: January 6, 2026

In this episode, Thais Gibson delves into the patterns and subconscious drivers that lead individuals with a Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style to repeatedly be attracted to the "wrong" types of partners. Drawing from her expertise in attachment theory and her method for reprogramming the subconscious, she breaks down the four major archetypes FAs gravitate toward, what this reflects about each stage of healing, and concrete steps for cultivating healthier, secure relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Subconscious Comfort Zone & Attraction (00:00–06:00)

• Main Idea: Our subconscious, which shapes over 95% of our beliefs and actions, is attracted not to what our conscious mind desires but to what feels familiar—usually patterns connected to how we treat ourselves.
• Insight: "If your literal subconscious comfort zone is chaos, you're going to be attracted to and investing in chaos." (A, 02:19)
  • The relationships we choose mirror our internal, often unhealed, psychological patterns.
  • If boundaries are consistently violated in partnerships, it typically reflects habitual self-betrayal or lack of boundary-setting with oneself.
• Analogy: The "bear in the woods" story illustrates how past threats (real or emotional) get encoded and replayed—even when they're maladaptive.

2. Archetype 1: Other Hot and Cold (Fearful Avoidant) Types (06:00–13:30)

• FAs often find themselves attracted to other FAs, especially when their nervous system is in chaos.
• Explanation: Trauma bonds and turbulent relationships "feel like home" to FAs due to conditioning and unhealed wounds.
  • "If you find yourself really attracted to other hot and cold types...that usually means you have a lot of inner healing to do about your own subconscious wounds." (A, 10:01)
• The compounded dysregulation leads to “roller coaster” partnerships.
• Key Healing Step: Address subconscious wounds and regulate the nervous system together.

3. Archetype 2: Highly Avoidant Types (13:30–16:00)

• Attraction to independent, emotionally unavailable, or inattentive partners often signals that FAs have difficulty receiving, being vulnerable, or asking for support.
  • "This is the fearful avoidant who…doesn’t know how to communicate their own needs, don’t know how to be vulnerable and let people in and take up space. Usually the type…who struggles to receive from others." (A, 14:05)
• The relationship dynamic reflects the FA's self-neglect or inability to advocate for personal needs.
• Recommended Focus: Practice setting boundaries, receiving, identifying needs, and vulnerability.

4. Archetype 3: Anxious (Preoccupied) Types (16:00–18:15)

• FAs may be drawn to partners with anxious attachment, who are loving but demanding and expect constant connection.
• Underlying Issue: Chronic people-pleasing, boundary collapse, and codependency in FAs.
  • "You constantly expect so much from yourself to give and pour into other people, but you may not be filling your own cup or allowing yourself to have boundaries." (A, 17:14)
• These dynamics often result in enmeshment and emotional exhaustion.
• Healing Work: Establish clear boundaries and prioritize self-care.

5. Archetype 4: Narcissistic Types (18:15–22:30)

• Some FAs end up repeatedly involved with narcissists—individuals who manipulate, violate boundaries, and are highly critical.
• Pattern & Pain: FAs attract narcissists when they self-abandon, lack self-empathy, and are self-critical.
  • "You violate your own boundaries to please other people. You manipulate yourself to be what you think people want...You forget about you." (A, 19:44)
• Conscious awareness of toxicity may not be enough to override the subconscious draw of familiarity.
  • "Your conscious mind knows it's not healthy...But deep down, subconsciously, you're like, why don't I just leave? I can't seem to leave. I can't get away." (A, 20:29)
• Empowerment: Once FAs heal these internal patterns, they gain agency to break the cycle and choose healthier partners.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Subconscious Attraction:
  "Our subconscious mind literally is attracted the most to people who remind us of our subconscious comfort zone. And what that means is that people who are familiar to us, people who feel safe—familiarity to your subconscious mind equals safety and thus survival." (A, 01:20)

• On the Need for Inner Healing:
  "If you find yourself really attracted to other hot and cold types...that usually means you have a lot of inner healing to do about your own subconscious wounds." (A, 10:01)

• On Self-Neglect in Avoidant Attraction:
  "If you are constantly in relationships with avoidant types, that's what you want to be working on in your healing journey—taking up space, knowing your needs, being more present with yourself, doing boundary work, practicing actively receiving." (A, 15:02)

• On Repetition of Painful Relationship Patterns:
  "Our subconscious literally is running the show. And we'll keep saying, sticking to things that are familiar, and that can be the most harmful, painful thing to go through." (A, 21:15)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–06:00: Why FAs are attracted to the "wrong types"—the subconscious comfort zone explained
• 06:00–13:30: Archetype #1—Attraction to other hot and cold (FA) types; trauma bonds and nervous system chaos
• 13:30–16:00: Archetype #2—Attraction to highly avoidant, inattentive types; roots in self-neglect
• 16:00–18:15: Archetype #3—Attraction to anxious, demanding types; boundary issues and codependency
• 18:15–22:30: Archetype #4—Attraction to narcissists; pattern of self-abandonment and harsh self-critique
• 22:30–end: Empowering message—healing is possible, resources for further support

Tone & Language

Thais delivers her insights with a blend of compassionate expertise and practical, empowering advice. She draws on vivid analogies and real-world examples, making complex psychological principles accessible and deeply resonant. The episode is supportive and validating, particularly for individuals seeking understanding and new tools for personal growth.

Key Takeaways

• The people FAs are attracted to often mirror what feels familiar (not what is healthy), and these patterns change as one heals.
• Identifying your own attraction patterns can be a profound diagnostic tool for your stage in the healing journey.
• Healing involves both subconscious reprogramming and nervous system regulation.
• By working on boundaries, self-worth, and self-empathy, FAs can shift toward healthier relationships and break painful cycles.