Podcast Summary: Fearful Avoidants & Healing Their Push Pull Patterns

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Episode Date: February 18, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores the core traits, inner conflicts, and healing strategies associated with the fearful avoidant (FA) attachment style. She unpacks the cyclical push-pull dynamic that characterizes FAs, outlines the deep subconscious wounds that fuel these swings, and offers a practical framework for moving from emotional chaos towards secure, balanced relationships — starting with the relationship to oneself.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Understanding the Fearful Avoidant’s Push-Pull

• Activating & Deactivating Strategies (00:24)

  • FAs alternate between activation (moving towards connection) due to fears of abandonment/rejection, and deactivation (withdrawing) due to fears of entrapment, shame, or feeling unsafe.
  • These conflicting patterns lead to “feeling of ambivalence, that like back and forth,” making internal peace and consistent relationships difficult.

• The Role of Core Wounds (01:06)

  • Activation comes from wounds like: abandonment, being alone, disliked, rejected, not good enough (similar to anxious-preoccupied styles).
  • Deactivation stems from unique wounds: feeling trapped, helpless, powerless, defective, bad, unsafe, and the deep-seated fear of betrayal.

• Pendulum Swing Effect (02:23)

  • The FA experiences “a swinging pendulum…from their activated side to their deactivated side. And that’s exhausting.”
  • Even peace in relationships can feel unfamiliar, even threatening, as the mind is subconsciously attuned to chaos and drama as 'normal.'

Why Fearful Avoidants Struggle to Stay Centered

• Impact of Trauma & Subconscious Programming (03:19)
  • FAs can become “so identified with their thinking,” leading to ‘all or nothing’ reactions to perceived threats or slights.
  • “Our subconscious mind starts to go, oh my gosh, we have to go back to what we understand love to be,” which is often not peaceful or stable.

Distinction from Other Attachment Styles

• FAs vs. Dismissive Avoidants (06:08)
  • “Fearful avoidance don’t usually deactivate in the same way that a dismissive avoidant does…they more deactivate specifically when they're hurt or triggered.”
  • FA deactivating is less frequent but more intense, initiated by feeling wounded rather than a consistent preference for distance or independence.

Practical Steps for Breaking the Cycle

• Step 1: Notice the Swing (07:03)

  • Cultivate awareness of when you’re in activation (clinging) or deactivation (withdrawing).
  • “First notice when I’m swinging either way and to be conscious about this.”

• Step 2: Identify the Root Cause (07:13)

  • Ask: “What is the root cause of why I’ve left center?” Is it a story you’re telling yourself or an actual event?
  • Reflect on what meaning you’re giving to the experience.

• Step 3: Question the Story (08:07)

  • “Sometimes your stories will be true. Sometimes it will be more of a reflection of the past that you’re reprojecting onto your present.”
  • Example: Someone doesn’t call back, triggering assumptions about abandonment or distrust, but a more balanced view reveals alternate explanations.

• Step 4: Clarify and Express Needs (09:45)

  • Identify the need that sits underneath the reaction, and either express it to the other or meet it within yourself.
  • “Hey, it’s really important to me that there’s consistency and that we call back. And maybe you have a need for reassurance at that point.”

• Step 5: Return to Center (10:24)

  • “By doing this…you’re going to stop pinballing back and forth…isolating what’s bothering me, questioning it, and then finding the need…we get to sort of root ourselves and…bring ourselves back to center.”

• Self-Regulation & Empowerment (11:08)

  • “When we look at activating or deactivating either way, those are actually just behaviors to try to get needs met at the subconscious level…when we can identify those things and do the work around them, we…really empower ourselves in a positive way.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Essence of the Push-Pull:
  "It feels like you can’t just settle in and just feel at peace in a relationship, just feel safe. Often, peace…even feels like, oh, what if we’re getting bored of each other and now I’m unsafe and I have to do something to stimulate the connection and…chaos."
  — Thais Gibson (02:04)

• On the Importance of Self-Awareness:
  “The first thing you have to be aware of is…when you leave center, when you leave from…that peace...The moment you get too activated or deactivated, basically the pendulum’s waiting to swing.”
  — Thais Gibson (03:24)

• On Deactivating Intensity:
  “They more deactivate specifically when they're hurt or triggered...they deactivate less pervasively than a dismissive avoidant, but more intensely when they are deactivating because it’s coming from more pain, it’s like a stronger force.”
  — Thais Gibson (06:15)

• On Needs vs. Behaviors:
  “Activating or deactivating…are actually just behaviors to try to get needs met at the subconscious level.”
  — Thais Gibson (11:08)

Timestamps of Key Segments

• Activating & Deactivating Strategies Defined: 00:24
• Core Wounds Breakdown: 01:06
• Swinging Pendulum Dynamic: 02:23
• The Subconscious Need for Familiar Dynamics: 03:19
• How FAs Deactivate Differently from Dismissive Avoidants: 06:08
• Awareness of Activation/Deactivation: 07:03
• Root Cause & Story Questioning: 07:13 – 08:07
• Expressing and Meeting Needs: 09:45
• Return to Center & Self-Regulation: 10:24 – 11:08

Takeaway

Thais Gibson suggests that healing the push-pull cycle of the fearful avoidant requires a practice of self-awareness, honest story-challenging, and open identification and communication of core needs. This set of skills moves fearful avoidants out of exhausting emotional swings and into the steady ground of secure, conscious relating—beginning with themselves.