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In a lot of cases when a fearful avoidant is done in a relationship, they are done like Stone Cold, that's it, case closed done. But there are certain exceptions that do cause fearful avoidance to want to repair after a rupture, to want to get things back on track if they haven't been going well. And in today's video, we are going to break those things down. And my hope for you is that by understanding this, you either know the right ingredients to navigate potential conflict better with a fearful avoidant attachment cell or get things back on track if they've been difficult. Or if you are the fearful avoidant attachment style, you what you need in order to actually improve the quality of your relationships rather than always feeling the need to flee or push somebody away as a mechanism of self protection and control. I really want to note the importance before we dive into this whole topic of making sure that you're taking yourself into consideration if this is something you're choosing to pursue. One of the biggest problems we can go through in a relationship and one of the most destructive things that we can do to the relationship to ourselves is pursue somebody and really try to work things out if the other person isn't able or willing to also do the work. Another really painful thing is if we try to use all these psychological awareness sort of tools to try to reel somebody back in and get them to sort of like pursue this relationship back with us, but then we are operating in a way of connecting to them through this mask of all these tips and tools and tricks. And there's a lot of dating coaches and a lot of, you know, communities online that are like pickup artists and this thing and that thing. And I personally don't really agree with a lot of those dynamics because I think that we just, it just sort of leads to an empty relationship long term. It's like, oh, you know, work really hard, use all these tools, use these tactics, and then you're left connecting with somebody as maybe not the authentic, the authentic version of who you are. And what actually makes a relationship fulfilling long term is you being seen, heard, understood, and showing up in your integrity, in your authenticity as the person that you are, with the needs that you have, the desires that you have, the fears and everything else in between. And for a relationship to properly progress to the bliss phase and to make it through the power struggle and stability phases where most people do break up, it's actually a requirement that you show up and you share your true self, your vulnerable self. And so if you reel somebody in under separate pretenses then that of who you are, then you're going to just have more long term problems and end up probably wasting a lot of time long term. So I just really want to highlight and emphasize the absolute importance of what I'm going to share today being used as. And it's not like psychological trips to manipulate people, to be with them or to pick them up or anything like that anyways. But I just really want to highlight the importance of if you're aware of these different dynamics that you can use. Okay, great. Now let's make sure that we take ourselves into consideration. We show up as our authentic selves the entire time so that the relationship cannot just be saved, but that it can actually work and thrive in the long term purposes of what you're putting your time and energy and effort into. Now, what this video is going to be about specifically is key tools to harness when you're trying to create transformation in a relationship dynamic. Okay, first tip. I will always say, number one, define your boundaries. What didn't work for you in the relationship, whether the relationship is on the rocks or whether it's a breakup and you're thinking about like reconnecting with this person what wasn't working for you and then convert that into needs. Okay, so for example, if the way a person wasn't affectionate enough wasn't working for you, great. Don't tell somebody what's not working. Tell somebody what you need. This is one of the first places I see so many people go wrong with their communication is instead of saying, hey, I would really appreciate feeling supported and it would help me if you could clean around the house a little bit more. This is what I specifically would like you to do. For example, the dishes or sweeping or whatever it is. Instead, people are like, you're not cleaning enough. And as soon as we do that, the other person just feels attacked and they just feel a need to defend and push away, especially if they have an avoidance inside to their style. So we really want to be in the active practice of being able to go, okay, what's not working? And what is this saying about what I actually need and how can I communicate that in a need? And then add a third step to that, which is effectively expressing what that need is by painting a picture. Because a lot of people will hear a need and then feel disempowered because they're like, you need love, you need communication. What does that mean? I thought I was loving and communicating and it's because often what we give isn't being Received because people have different methods and forms through which they communicate or love. With that being said, we're going to really dive into the fearful avoidance. So number one, identify what wasn't working for you. Communicate that into a need. Put that in your back pocket because you're going to save this. You're going to need this for when it's time to show up and show yourself and be authentic and be in integrity to the relationship to yourself in this conversation that you're going to have with the fearful avoidant. I just wanted to pop in here and let you know we are doing a seven day free trial to the All Access membership pass at pds, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week. And on top of that, you get access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication, boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame. Learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward. And last but not least, there's a daily community event. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. Please join me on the other side, come check it out, see if it's a fit for you. I'd love to see you there. Go ahead and sign up by clicking the link in the description box below. Step 2. Get really clear about what wasn't working for that person. We have to properly empathize and try to put ourselves in the mind frame of that other person to see, okay, this is what wasn't working and this is what we can take away from it. Okay? Now the major reasons fearful avoidance usually tend to leave relationships are because they feel an imbalance of how much they give and how much they're receiving. Largely this is actually because they can be getting something from the other person. Love, harmony, connection, safety, whatever it is, but they're not often receiving it because they're not communicating particular what in particular what they need. And this is a really important point to raise to this person. If they're an ex, if they're somebody that you're on a break with, if there's somebody that you are in a challenged dynamic with and you're on the rocks and trying to save things, like you want to get this point across because it's actually like almost a necessity for the fearful avoidant to be able to do this in Order for their relationships to thrive long term and to make it all the way to the honeymoon phase. So in this space, okay, and we're talking about fearful avoidant men and women, and I'm going to go through a little bit of the nuances of both in this video, but in this space, what you'll see is that both men and women, fearful avoidance, tend to leave relationships because they feel unheard, especially females more than males because they feel not trusting. Females and males equally, almost males a little bit more than females. And they project that distrust like crazy. Like they, they can be in a situation or a dynamic where, you know, somebody didn't call back and instead of going, oh, like they forgot or they got busy or something like that, they're like, they are doing something bad wrong. They're not showing up. They violated this agreement to call. How could I ever trust them with anything? And we tend to take small issues as human beings, especially before working on attachment style, and make it a huge thing. It's like, oh, I couldn't trust them to call back. I can't trust them to care about me. I can't trust them to be loyal in a relationship. I can't trust them. And there's a lot of that going on in the mind of fearful avoidance, especially males a little more so than females, although females absolutely do that as well. And then female fearful avoidance, do this a little bit less. Male dismissive avoidance, do this a little bit more and it's the need for novelty will come up and then this individual will look for excuses to leave the relationship and deactivate. And what this actually is, is part of subconscious mind trying to long for independence when they've engulfed or enmeshed their sense of self in a relationship dynamic. So a lot of males will do this exact thing. They'll find tiny, tiny flaws and really believe in those flaws and use and dismiss avoidance, do this too, but use those flaws to push people away. So, for example, the male fearful avoidant will go, did you see the way that she spoke to that person at the restaurant? Like, I could never be with somebody like that. And they'll pick tiny, tiny things. Oh, she left her makeup all over the counter. And so da, da, da. And they'll pick small things and they'll make them into like these big reasons to push somebody away. And at one level they believe that. They believe that this is, you know, a deal breaker. But if they actually took the time to consciously define the deal breakers or not, they'd see that that's probably not A deal breaker. And in fact, that's probably a solvable problem that I could just communicate and say, hey, I don't like when you leave your makeup on the counter. Or, hey, I didn't like the way you spoke to that person at the restaurant. You were too friendly or too flirtatious. You were too whatever. Could we try this? Would you be open to doing that? And so a lot of fearful avoidants have this habit, especially when the need for novelty comes up or when their attachment style is activated and they're afraid of losing themselves and being enmeshed and losing their sense of identity. Because fearful avoidants tend to love in a boundaryless way, as that's what they were often taught or that's how they adapted and survived in childhood. So male dismissive ones will often have these little strategies to, like, take something small, make it into a big thing, and then. And make it an excuse to leave the relationship. And that can also be the result of just their unmet need for novelty. They can get bored and a little bit stir crazy sometimes, and as a result of that, that can activate this need to push somebody away. But again, even like boredom or stir craziness is a solvable problem. It's about, okay, great, can I see that this is happening? Can I get really clear about why this is happening and what the root cause is? But. And introduce more novelty in the relationship, Travel more with this person, go on more fun dates, like, try to shake things up a little bit, Spend time getting novelty outside of the relationship with more friends or family, or just doing different activities on my own, taking courses, learning, like, as long as that bucket's filled, we don't have to sabotage the relationship and blame the relationship for an unmet need within our sense of self. So males tend to, like, really push away over that more and make really strong excuses to deactivate. Females tend to do this more over the wound of disconnection. But often when there's a disconnect in a relationship and there's an emotional intimacy missing, because depth of emotional connection is so important to fearful avoidance, Both males and females, but usually females slightly more. So when that takes place, often what will happen is a female fearful avoidant will push away because the subconscious mind associates that person as the source of your pain, not the unmet need as the source of the pain that needs to be brought in and communicated. And then disconnection leads to more disconnection because it's like, oh, you're hurting me because you're not wanting to connect. Now I'M going to push you away to keep myself safe. But then now there's an even bigger wall built between these two people. And so these can all trigger deactivating strategies which again can create like a problem dynamic in a relationship and the reason why people will leave ultimately. Now the last two key components in here is that fearful avoids also want to really feel heard and they want to feel like they are wanted and cared for in a relationship, like they're important or valued really. And so when any of these things are missing, these are going to be the places where the per, the person's pulling back. These are like the major, major ones. So if you can be aware of this and if you can then pick these a few things on here that you think resonate the most. So with your ex or the person that you're trying to rekindle, this could be a family member, this could be a friendship, this could be, you know, somebody you're just trying to work things out with. But these are going to some of the core dynamics of why this stuff is taking place. So what I want you to do next, once you've already defined your boundaries, is hone in on what I said and what you think based on the things you saw in your individual relationship are the biggest wounds for this person that showed up. And then what I want you to do with that is go communicate that, validate that. Wait until the three or four week mark if you're out of a relationship, if it's a breakup, because usually the fearful avoidance starts to sort of feel their feelings. They push them down for a little bit, but they come up a little bit faster than, than the dismissive avoidant, for example, by comparison. And then you're gonna go in, you're gonna have a conversation and bring these things to the table and share what you're, you know, that you saw some of these wounds happening and that you wanna do the work and work these things out around the three to four week mark. Now you can't go into this conversation and not share your part. And the really cool thing that's, that's nice about fearful avoidance relative to dismissive avoidance is it's a little bit simpler because you can go in, you can have a full conversation and you can also bring into that same conversation and hey, these are the needs that were unmet for me. And maybe as the person in a relationship with an fa, maybe these were, this was just harmony in the relationship instead of volatility. Maybe it was feeling safe, feeling like you were trusted. Maybe it Was, you know, you fill in the blanks with what you needed. But your job here is to get really clear about those things from step one and share those things here once you've validated that person's experience. Because when people feel deeply seen at a subconscious level and heard and understood, and then they have practical tools for creating change, change because you're like, hey, you know, we could do this, this and this. And you give some ideas or strategies to fix these things. And then you also share from your perspective, they tremendously value that depth of connection, that transparency, those practical tools that have been analyzed and brought to the table, the willingness to do the work, and all of these things combined usually create a tremendous impact on the fearful avoidant. Probably more than any other attachment style, both men and women. I know I combined males and females in this video and hopefully it wasn't too long, but I really just wanted to put those all in there together. Cause there's enough similarities that I just wanted to highlight the differences and where they sort of take place. Now your job is, once you've done that, is making sure that you've really brought your needs to the table. You have a boundary. And you also want to make sure very, very seriously that you have a deadline. And the deadline is how much time you want to spend working on this relationship dynamic. Because I see in a lot of individuals that they'll do this thing where it's like, oh, you know, I'll just work until it works out. And sometimes people can spend a year unhappy and we don't want to do this. Especially relative to like how long you've already been investing in this relationship. Especially if it's like a three week relationship. Right. How could you possibly want to put yourself through that? So make sure you're clear about how much time you're going to put in and invest in trying to make things work and then take ownership of that. If you don't see the needle moving, you don't see things progressing in a time that meets that deadline, then you know this isn't the right relationship. You're super clear, you've done the practice and the work to show up and you're better prepared for the next relationship. After you take some time to really just love yourself and grieve the loss of whatever this could be for you, like whatever relationship it is. And then best case scenario, things really work out and it's fantastic. So make sure you have the deadline, make sure you show up for that, because in doing so you're showing up and loving yourself. That's it for now. Thank you so much for watching. Please like share and subscribe to this channel. I super appreciate it. Really appreciate all the wonderful comments and the likes and the engagement. And I will see you in the next part of this series.