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Hi, everybody. Welcome. I am just diving in. Hello, welcome. Please, if you're joining, say hello in the chat. I'd love to hear from you. I'm going to give it a second for everybody to sort of file in. But what's really exciting is that this today is the beginning of us kicking off of season two of our podcast. So as many of you may have noticed, you know, we sort of did a season one and you probably saw some of the episodes with Mike Dizio, and through those episodes we did like long form podcast content. And then he was traveling and there was a lot going on. And now we are back to long form season two. And so. Hi, Jesse, how are you? And so what we're doing for season two is I'm going to be live streaming, so we're going to be doing a Wednesday episode and Wednesdays will be so much fun because I'll actually be taking you through exercises together that we'll go through today. We're going to talk about your attachment wounds and triggers and we're going to really start there and dive pretty deep into this topic. And then on Saturdays, we are going to dive in with Mike. So we'll just, we'll, we'll basically leapfrog off of every Wednesday topic and we'll just chat about it in a more conversational manner and how different attachment styles, you know, sort of are affected by these things. So I'm really excited to share with you guys. Amazing. Delilah, hello. And hi, Kelly. Off on Wednesdays. That's awesome. Ready for awareness. Good stuff. I'm happy you're here too. Lord. So we're going to talk about it and basically what we're going to cover here today is we're going to dive deep into number one. We're going to talk about what core wounds are and what our attachment wounds actually are and how they come about. And then number two, we're going to get into how these things affect us, how they affect our relationships, and how how common core wounds affect different attachment styles as a whole. And at the end of this, in the next 30 or so minutes, we're going to go and we're going to dive deep into specifically an exercise so that in any given moment you can find your core wound that's coming up. And in weeks to come, make sure you subscribe to our live streams and to the podcast because in the weeks to come, we'll actually break through some of these things. We'll talk about how to move through them. So today is sort of the intro and this is a big awareness piece and just understanding this. So let's talk about it. Okay? And I'm curious, how many of you have had this experience before, have struggled with core wounds, what that's actually looked like for you? And. Hi, mj. I'm so happy to hear that. Thank you. Lots of great shares coming in. Welcome, kta and hi, everybody. Lady Croft. Hello. So we are going to talk in detail about this. So what I want you to understand first, okay, Is that core wounds, according to integrated attachment theory, are literally one of the most important pillars. We have six major pillars. And integrated attachment theory, if you weren't familiar, is really the only proven method that exists right now to really leverage neuroplasticity, to actually rewire your attachment style. And one of the six biggest pillars, pillar number one that we often cover, is your attachment wounds, your core wounds, and I'll use those terms interchangeably for today, but essentially, our core wounds deeply, deeply impact us. And here's what I want you to think of this as. Okay? I want you to think of you having a core wound as essentially being you going through life. And I want you to imagine, like, tomorrow you go into the woods and you see a bear. And you see the bear and it scares you, and you run and you're like, oh, my gosh, it's a bear. And you run away and you're safe, thank goodness. But the very next day, you have to go back into the woods the second time. Well, what is your brain gonna do when you're in this particular position? Your brain is gonna be like, oh, my gosh, where's the bear? You're gonna hear the trees blow in the wind. You're gonna think the bear is coming. You're gonna brace for impact. You probably feel all of this adrenaline, right, rushing through your body when you think that you hear the bear again, because yesterday it was such a scary experience. And any little movement or wrestling in the bushes, you're probably, like, bracing for impact for the bear, right? But what's really interesting is how big of a role this actually plays when it's not about a bear, but it's about your childhood wounds or your past relationship wounds. So if in childhood or growing up or in past relationships, you chronically felt abandoned or betrayed or like you couldn't trust somebody, what's going to happen? Well, you're obviously going to be bracing for impact, right? You're going to be, like, in a relationship as an adult, and because you felt abandoned as a child, you're gonna not get a text Message back for a couple hours and you're gonna go, oh, my God, the abandonment's coming, right? Or you're going to be, as an adult, moving into a situation where maybe you are trying to deeply trust somebody. But if trust was broken historically, so frequently in your childhood and upbringing, you're going to be like, I can't trust anybod. The moment that there's an incongruency of any kind of sort, you're going to be bracing for your trust to be broken, right? For betrayal to happen. And so we all, according to our own attachment styles, we have our own core wounds, okay? And securely attached people obviously have the least amount of them. But these things, a, are not things that you're born with. They get wired into you through repetition and emotion over time, which is what fires and wires, those neural pathways and biological. You'll also see that beyond that, you know, these core wounds that you have, they are also things that really dictate our behavior in relationships, right? So, you know, you can change them because you're not born with them. You can rewire them by leveraging the same understanding of what got you there in the first place. But B, you can truly change. You can see how all of these wounds in your life may affect your. Your behavior. So I want to take a look at a couple here, and then we're going to go through them by attachment sty. And then we're actually going to talk about them a little bit further in terms of how to find your personal core wounds that are affecting you the most. We'll take you through an exercise. Hi, everybody. There's so many comments coming in. Yeah, Lor. Struggling to feel safe 100%. That can be a big one. We're going to talk about. That's one of the biggest core wounds for each attachment style, believe it or not. We'll talk about the variations of how Natalie said. Hi, Natalie. I'm good. How are you? Yeah, Carrie, Bear traps and bear spray incongruencies are my enemies, Alan. Yeah, 100%. Incongruencies are so tricky, right? They're. They're very, very difficult. So let's take a look at this. Okay. Let's really dive in here and see. So when we have these core wounds, what I want you to understand is that your core wounds are really dictating your behavior. So when you have a wound, let's say you have this wound that says, I'm, I'm abandoned, I'm going to be abandoned. Then when you have that wound come up, I want you to notice for a moment what starts to happen. What types of thoughts do you start to think? Right. You think like, oh, my gosh, something bad's gonna happen. I knew they were gonna pull away. They're gonna hurt me. I can't believe this is happening to me again. I'm always gonna end up being abandoned. You probably notice that your mind starts to ruminate a lot more. Right. And once you start ruminating, what emotions do you feel? And I would actually love to hear from if you feel comfortable sharing in the chat, like, what emotions you start to feel when this starts to take place. Okay. Do you feel scared or sad or really anxious? Good. I start to feel panic. Right. How can I run faster or get out of here? Is the thought. Okay. Powerful. You must be fa. Right. Because you start to feel it and then you pull away. So really great. Share panic and fear. Scared. Excellent. Right. So you start to see these things take shape. Feeling safe. Beautiful. And so you start to see these things take shape and then what happens? Right. How do you act when this. When these thoughts and. And emotions are taking place. Yeah. For abandonment, specifically. So you might then cling on really tightly would be your action. Or push somebody away really far because you're scared they're going to hurt you. Yeah. You're Amy. And. And, yeah, shut down. There you go. Right. They're going to hurt me. I have to shut down. Stop engaging stonewall. Right. Put my defenses up. And so you start to see these dynamics. These are perfect shares where your core wounds, these attachment wounds that you have, they're actually dictating your actions. Right. Like your wounds are creating your thought patterns, your emotional patterns, and then your actions. And what's really interesting is that neuroscience has actually proven a neuroscientist named Antonio Damasio conclusively proved that all of our actions are based on our emotional state. So even people who think they're very logical, rational thinkers, they're still making emotionally based decisions at their tipping point. And then they're just quick to rationalize or justify their actions through logic. Okay. So it really has this. This profound impact on us. Okay. So we have this dynamic where our wounds are affecting us. And now I want to go through what the wounds actually look like per attachment style. Okay. So we're going to start. We'll start with the fearful avoidant first. And we're actually going to go through the different core wounds as a whole per attachment style. And I'm actually going to, you know, share this with you for a second, because when you can take a look at some of these things. You'll start to realize, like, wow, these are really powerful wounds. And they. They really show up for me in big ways. And each attachment cell has a few common core wounds. It's not one, it's multiple. Okay? Now, one thing that I will just say here is when we go through the core wounds, you might be like, oh, my gosh, this is a little bit confronting. You might be like, oh, my gosh, I have a lot of the core wounds. And it could be. You know, I don't want you to get too worried about it. But let me see if you can see this here. I'm just. Here we go. Okay. Let's see if this is working here. So you should be able to see this. Okay. And these are, according to integrated attachment theory, the biggest wounds of the fearful avoidant. Now, as many of you know, I was a fearful avoidant, right? So just know that if you see a lot of these wounds, not to worry. Okay? These are not in any particular order. Okay? A lot of these are really, really big for fearful avoidance as a whole. So here's the first one. This fear of betrayal, okay? So a lot of fearful avoidance have this big wound, I will be betrayed. And this comes from trust being broken significantly in childhood. So if you were caught in the middle of things, if you saw a lot of lies growing up, if you saw a lot chaos, and you felt like you couldn't trust your environment, you can also obtain these wounds from. From relationships in adulthood. Like, you might have been in a really painful relationship where there was a betrayal. And that can cause a core wound to take shape. Because basically, really strong emotional experiences imprint our subconscious mind, and our subconscious mind stores everything. So when you have a betrayal wound, how it often manifests or what it often looks like is like, I can't trust the future. I can't trust the world. I can't trust people. I can't trust people not to hurt me. I can't trust that somebody that I'm dating won't change their mind. You know, maybe we're good now, but maybe in five years from now, 10 years from now, maybe it'll be different. Maybe we won't be good. And a lot of times this betrayal wound will cause somebody, and I'll pop in and out of here because I can't see you guys at the same time. But a lot of times this wound will cause somebody to end up trying to be really controlling, okay? And fearful avoidance don't really tend to control others too much. They're, they like to respect other people's autonomy and freedom because they can value it so much. But a lot of times if you're a fearful avoidant, you probably found yourself really trying to control yourself a lot. Okay. Like you've probably found yourself going, I need to control everything in my environment. I need to know what's going on all the time. And you may find yourself in this particular dynamic. And I'm curious from 1 to 10 how much this shows up for you. And yeah, just got on at the moment. You said FA trigger is good. Okay, I'm glad that you. This is what you need to hear. I'm a mostly recovered ap. Good. We'll cover the AP wounds in a little bit. I'm FA leaning. Da. Yeah, you're seeing you get hyper focus incongruencies. Exactly. Alon. So you'll see these themes. Okay. Nine, eight. Okay, so pretty strong themes here. And, and when you go through this and you see these different dynamics where you're like, oh my gosh, these wounds are really strong for me. Just know that you can really heal these things too. Okay, so from 1 to 10, just noticing some of you are sharing different things from different platforms in here. 10. Right. 8. Good. So you'll see these are really strong wounds. But understanding this first and knowing that these are wounds are the first step to really healing them. Okay, so we'll go back here and we'll go back to some of the other wounds so you can see them. Okay. The next one is I am unsafe. Fearful avoidance. When they first hear this, they'll be like, no, no, I don't feel unsafe. Usually people will be like, nope. But here's what's going on. You might as a fearful avoidant be like, no, I trust that I can handle things. I trust that I can defend myself when I feel unsafe. I can get upset and I can push back and I can set my boundaries. So I'm not asking you if you are feeling like in an unsafe situation you can handle yourself. I'm asking you if you chronically feel unsafe. And how you're going to know the best is when you are in a position where you are chronically in fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode. Okay? So if you were consistently in fight mode, so you find yourself over defending yourself flight mode, you leave things all of a sudden, cut off a friendship, end a relationship, threaten to leave. These types of things freeze where you shut down. Maybe you come home from work and you like get on the couch and you don't move for four hours. Right. You just like shut down or fun chronic people pleasing. And if you're in any of those states, it's actually a sign that you're feeling unsafe first in your body. And your nervous system has had to break into sympathetic or dysregulated programming or a dorsal vagal shutdown from a parasympathetic point of view when you're in that freeze mod. Um, but if you're in either of those states, either hyperarousal or hypo arousal, it's actually your nervous system trying to cope with feeling unsafe. Okay. So I want to take a peek and see how much you see that in your life. Okay. We see lots of good shares. Yeah. It can be worried. This is the betrayal core wounds. They can meet someone else or get sick of me. What if I have these thoughts but don't feel like there's strong feelings behind them? Then you might have those thoughts and you might go directly into more of a shutdown mode from the sort of dorsal vagal viewpoint. And that can be your way of coping. Right. So that's a great question. But that can be how you're used to coping. And it makes you feel protected but your nervous system still responding to that discomfort. Tentative 10 trust will be broken and I will be hurt. That can be a big one. I know. I crave physical safety through touch even though I'm so resilient. Yep. You got a lot of fight and fun. I'm fa. I feel unsafe often. I call these states the swirl. Yeah. Because you're kind of like swirling through all the emotions and feelings. But I don't like to fight. Yeah. And that's okay. You might just find yourself shutting down instead of fighting. Right. So you'll see a lot of these themes in here. Yeah. And trauma's left you feeling unsafe a lot. Yes. We'll be recording this and posting. Absolutely. So. So what we'll see here is as you go through a little bit more deeply. Okay. Let's take a look at some of the other ones. So fearful avoidance. Also have this unworthy core wound. You'll see this for a fearful avoidant in the fact that you're usually over giving and under receiving. Like you're always trying to kind of earn your worth. I've often for fearful avoidance that they're like always trying to have the best phone call ever, the best date ever, the best, you know, friendship hangout ever with an old friend. It's like there's this pressure that you always have to prove yourself and Earn. And I think it's great to want to have a great time with people, right. And to be intentional. But when we come into like a relationship with somebody, it you also have to be able to be yourself. Like if you're tired one day, you don't have to always be on. You can say I'm tired, let's stay in, let's watch a movie, hang out, be yourself, talk a little less if you're feeling sleepy that day or unrested, you know. But there's this, this idea that you always have to be on and it often makes for one way relationships with fearful avoidance. They over give, then they under receive a lot of fearful avoidance. Try to really make sure that they are giving more than they're receiving as a way to kind of have the upper hand. Like okay, if I know them giving more than I'm receiving, then you know, here I am, I'm worthy of your love. And they'll often be scared to receive too much and they'll feel like, oh no, no, no, then you're taking my worthiness away. If you're giving to me more than then I'm giving to you. And there can be this sort of intrinsic fear there. Another big one is I am bad. Okay? So this fear that people will assume that you're bad or have bad intentions and usually you'll cope with this by over explaining yourself a lot. Like, and if you make a small mistake, you might guilt and shame yourself a lot. And these are all these, these wounds, right? Like I'm bad, I have to prove my innocence all the time and prove that I'm a good person. And you may see a lot of this in your programming where you're doing this all day long, right? And so these are these core wounds that we really dove into and discovered from an integrated attachment theory point of view. And this came from actually like me working, you know, prior to publishing all of this work in 2018, working with clients for years and years first and just seeing these themes over and over again per attachment style. So I'm curious how many of them you're seeing so far. Obviously a fear of abandonment shows up for fearful avoidance. They have that anxious side to them. They fear abandonment. They can be hyper vigilant about being abandoned and worry if they don't receive a text back, have trouble waiting sitting in that receiving of the text. And then I would say these next two are also really big. And then the wounds get a little bit softer after this. So the idea of being trapped or helpless are huge. You Know, you may see that if somebody's trying to make you do something, or you may even see with like authority, if it feels like your boss or some sort of authority figure is telling you it has to be this way, you're doing it this way. You might even feel a little bit like a caged animal. Like you want to really push back because you don't like the feeling of being trapped. And you, you want to really push far away. And even the trapped core wound can come up around big commitments. Fearful winds are generally quite good with small commitments, like hanging out on Friday, making a plan. But then it's like moving in together, getting married, having children. Like these big commitments can cause them to kind of spiral a little bit. And then helpless is this idea that if I have to rely on other people, that, that can be really terrifying. Okay, so that big helpless core wound. Now there's some other wounds, these attachment wounds, these, these ideas of being not good enough, disrespected, unloved, weak, if I'm too vulnerable, these things can be painful for fearful avoidance too. And you'll see that they sort of share in some of the wounds of the anxious and the dismissive as we get into those types of core wounds here in a minute as well. But the last thing I just to say here is that if you're seeing these wounds, a lot of these things came from your childhood experiences or past relationships, right? Usually a combination of the two. So if you felt trapped as a kid in an environment that was confusing, you're going to have that wound. That's your version of the bear in the woods that we talked about, right? It imprinted your subconscious mind and now you're overreactive to circumstances that could make you feel like that as an adult. If you felt like you always had to be on as a child and earn your worth, then you're going to carry that and you're going to bring that into your relationships as an adult, right? You're going to see these themes take shape. If you felt like there were broken promises or chaos and betrayal growing up, that's what you're going to bring in as an adult. So I just want you to know, if you're seeing these wounds so far, they're not your fault, okay? They are your responsibility to heal because only you can do it. But it's not your fault that you have them, okay? And I want you to know too, by the way, that they're easy to heal. They're not. You do need consistency, but it's not Difficult. Okay, so I'm going to go through and just catch up on some, some comments here. But then we'll go into the other wounds. Okay. And we'll, we'll talk about how to, we'll do an exercise at the end for how to actually find yours in real time. And I will just say too, like if you were running right now through the personal development school 14 day free trial, we have of course all about how to rewire. If you want to go deeper, there is a link down below that you can use. I'll put it in the chat that you can go and you can check out the emotional mastery course. And that emotional mastery course actually allows you to dive in and learn the rewiring tools if you want to get into it a little bit quicker. So let me grab you. So. So. And the one other thing I'll say too is if you ideally can sit here and score your wounds from 1 to 10, so look at what the strongest wounds are for you, then that will help a lot because you'll know what to prioritize in terms of your own personal programming. So if you're sitting here and you're okay, these are the core wounds that are really big for me, like betrayal was a 10, but then maybe feeling not good enough was a little bit less. I put that in the chat too. If you want to go deeper and you can get through it in 14 days for free for sure. Like you won't have to wait the full time to get into the rewiring tools. It's like a three hour course. You'll for sure be able to get through it in 14 days. And I want to share this with you guys. Like if you want to go in there and you just want to take it and check it out and use it as a resource, you can actually take it within 14 days. And then if you cancel, you never get charged. If you Cancel before day 14, you never get charged anything. So you can really go in there and use the resources that exist. So let's see here. Okay, we have and. And then I'll go into the other attachment cells and then our exercise to find it. Wow. Okay, so talk 11:37. I grew up in a war zone and needed to trust no one to literally survive. I felt all those core wounds that you've listed. And you know what? Like, that's such a profound trauma. That's such a, an extreme experience. But it's such a powerful ex. Example of like, of course, right? We obtain these wounds. It's like the bear in the woods analogy I was giving earlier, like if you see a bear in the woods, you hold on and you remember that there is a bear in the woods, you can protect yourself the next day. And all of these things are just your subconscious mind trying to protect itself. And then we project them back out so that we can stay safe. But when you're out of the war zone all this time later when you're no longer there, that's when it's like, okay, now we want to be able to shed these things, let them go, work through them, give ourselves that grace and that opportunity. Right. So really important. And again I can't stress enough, it's not hard to rewire these things. You're not born with them, they get wired into you and you can rewire them leveraging the same principles and make sure like we will talk about rewiring in the weeks to come as well a few weeks out from now. So make sure you subscribe here so you don't miss any of this if you want to tune into the future ones when we live stream. Okay, so when I'm all in. When I'm in, I'm all in. Right. You see that? That's a big one. Earn my worth is awful. I'm, I, it's like I'm always overdrawn. Yeah. And it's a great way to get burned out. Quite honestly. If you're always in this place of earning your worth, then of course you're going to feel burnt out so frequently. It's exhausting. I have a real problem receiving a hundred percent. And the more you have these dynamics for things, you can probably see here how that just that that puts you in a one way relationship. Like when you're over giving and under receiving, you're in a one way relationship, you're going to feel burnt out and it also creates a lot of resentment and then we can act out on that resentment. Right. So you'll see that too. As an fa I am thinking come to the other style so I can get to know how to help them. Yeah. The codependency is real. You're like, okay, let's go to the next one so I can figure those ones out. I love that share. It's so true. Right. And it's so important that you like heal yourself first so then you can go from there. What else do we have here? Sometimes the wounds come up depending on the relationship and situation. Exactly. The different ones will catalyze different wounds a hundred percent. But for them to be catalyzed they are first stored and living in your subconscious mind. When you ever think of, and not to go too far down the rabbit hole, but when you ever think of trauma and you think of, okay, let's say something traumatic happened decades ago, how is it still here with us today? Well, the only way trauma stays with you after decades, it's been so long. The only way trauma stays with you after decades is because it's literally living in your subconscious mind. And the way that you made that traumatic event means something about you. So if you, you know, years and years ago you said you were like, okay, I am unsafe. And then you store that, and now you see your world and yourself through the lens of I am unsafe. That wound's constantly popping up in everyday life affecting you. And that's actually how we're carrying and reenacting the trauma. It's because of our subconscious programming. And that is why there's so many great things out there that are different. Pillars for healing. We'll talk about nervous system regulation in a couple of weeks on our live streams. We'll talk about learning your needs and other ways to self soothe. We'll talk about a lot of things, but at the end of the day, if you're not rewiring, you can do something like nervous system regulation. When the core wound of abandonment is re triggered again or betrayal or unsafe. And you can regulate your nervous system. And it's great. You're always finding this tool to help you re regulate. But at the same time, if you're not rewiring the wounds and the stored perceptions and ideas that you've acquired because of past painful events, then you're going to get into this painful cycle where you're like, okay, wounds up, I regulate my nervous system. Wounds up, I regulate my nervous system. It is one of our six pillars of healing. Your attachment style. But you have to deal with the root. You have to actually rewire the wound as well, or you constantly have to re regulate. And it's like, you know, sometimes there's a bit of a disservice done because it's so important to do that. Okay, so we'll go into the, the other attachment cells. Okay, we'll, we'll go into some of the other wounds here. Now where do you guys want to go next? You want to do DA first or FA or AP first? I kind of landed on, on our AP here first. So maybe we'll start there and we'll do DAs at the end and you'll actually be able to see really clearly how People's behaviors have a massive impact. Like their. Their behaviors are so much sponsored by their wounds. And when you don't recognize. Okay, everybody's saying da first. Okay, so we'll do da. Let me switch it up for you guys. So you'll see that when we don't recognize our wounds, then our behaviors are just driven in a really confusing way. Okay, so here's our dismissive avoidant and some of their core wounds, and you'll start to see some of the parallels between DA and fa. But let's dive into it, and I'll show as you can physically see them, and then we'll try to do a little exercise at the end where you can find yours in a given situation. Because to your point earlier, right, you were like, okay, sometimes my wounds are in different situations and with different people. And that's how it works because they're stored dormantly, and then they show up. So from an integrated attachment theory point of view, this is our copyrighted body of work on, like, what are the wounds of. Of the dismissive avoidant, and number one is defective. Okay? And you've heard me talk about this a lot for many, many years. This is the shame wound. Okay? So this is this idea that I'm fundamentally flawed or broken. It comes about because dismissive avoidance go through their experiences in childhood, often experiencing chronic childhood emotional neglect. And sometimes it's overt neglect, like, food's not on the table, nobody's ever home. But the vast majority of the time, it's more covert neglect. It's having an emotionally unavailable caregiver or. Or multiple caregivers. And in this case, what ends up happening is if the child is not having their emotions nurtured, attuned to, mirrored back, validated. If every time the child emotes, it's like, oh, don't be a crybaby. Get it together. Pipe down. Children should be seen and not heard. If this is the messaging somebody gets, they're like, okay, this emotional part of me that needs attunement, which, by the way, children are literally wired for, this emotional part of me that needs attunem is. Is not acceptable. It's literally not acceptable. What's the opposite of acceptable? Defective. Right. Fundamentally not. Okay. Fundamentally broken. Defective. And so a child goes, okay, well, then my emotions make me defective. This part of me, this vulnerable part of me is defective. I can't show it to anybody. I can't share it with anybody. So I need to keep everybody at arm's length. And that's part of why you see a lot of these patterns, okay? And so they feel a lot of shame in a lot of situations, especially if they're criticized. And defectiveness, you know, when you feel embarrassed or ashamed, what do you want to do? Like, I remember at one point, I was new in high school. It was like my first day in high school or second day, and I went into the lunchroom with everybody. And I remember I, like, slipped and fell and I had this tray of food, and it, like, flew everywhere. And I just. I remember just feeling, like, that heat on my face, like, oh, my gosh, get me out of here. Like, I just wanted to run and hide with all of that embarrassment. And you've probably all had this experience in one way or another. You've been through, like, an embarrassing moment, and you. You want to hide. And you can actually see this kind of chronic hiding behavior and dismissive avoidance where they. They don't want you to truly see them, to truly know them, because deep down they're carrying this internal burden of this underlying shame. And this is what I found, you know, years and years ago, you know, 20, like, 13, 2014, working with so many attachment clients, like, seeing these themes over and over again and starting to notice these patterns. Another big one is I am unsafe again. You will not see a dismissive avoid and be like, oh, yeah, I feel so unsafe. You'll see them really dislike conflict, shut down around conflict, go into a chronic freeze response around conflict. It's why they can't sort conflict on the fly. They have a really hard time being like, okay, this is what I'm experiencing. This is what's coming up for me. Because in this particular dynamic, they feel unsafe. They don't feel physically unsafe a lot of the time. They feel emotionally unsafe. They don't know how to cope with conflict, with difficult discussions, with vulnerability. All of those things make them feel unsafe. They shut down and they go into what we call dorsal vagal shutdown mode, which is a sort of branch of parasympathetic nervous system that's unhealthy. Obviously, it's your. Your brain and body doing the best that they can to keep you safe and supported. But it goes into this deep shutdown. And that's why a lot of dismissive avoidants need to take space around conflict, need to take a minute. They don't know what they're thinking. Also, when we feel unsafe, this area of the brain called Broca's area of the brain, which is responsible largely for language and processing, it also shuts down. So now you have this dynamic where it's like, okay, there's this big shutdown and then somebody's like, what are you feeling? How do we fix this? Talk it out with me right now. And they're like, no, I need to go into the other room and take space. A lot of it's because of this unsafe core wound and how it affects them. And so let me know in the chat. We'll go through a couple of these other ones here. Trapped we talked about. That's trapped or engulfed. Right? You see this all the time with the dismissive, keeping people at arm's length, big integrated attachment theory. Core wound of dismissive avoidance. This idea that I'm not capable of change. In other words, I am helpless, so I don't know how to change. One big manifestation you'll see of this is a dismissive avoidant being. Like why bother? Have you ever seen a dismissive avoidance? And I'll come back and check in here for a second. Have you ever seen a dismissive avoidance say things like, oh, I can't do anything about it, I can't change anything. Why bother? Like this kind of who cares? Dynamic that comes from this fear, right, of being incapable, like I can't do anything about anyways, it's like they're going to learned helplessness. Okay, so I'm curious from 1 to 10 of your DA or if you know a DA even how many of these things that you seem to. From 1 to 10, how strongly these things seem to show up in your life and what do we have here? A lot of times our trauma aftermath become updated beliefs 100% I wasn't safe as a child, but as an adult, I know I'm safe. It's just hard to connect what I know to my brain. Okay, so this is one of the best comments, right? What's happening is the difference between your conscious and subconscious mind. This is so important to recognize. So when you say it's hard to connect when I know to my brain, your conscious mind logically understands that you're safe. Like I live in a safe neighborhood, I have a lock on my door, I have, you know, whatever it might be, you consciously know that, but your subconscious mind does not understand that. And here's why it's so important to rewire at the subconscious level. Why? Honestly, in anything you're trying to heal, engaging the subconscious mind, in my opinion is literally a non negotiable for real healing. It's because your conscious mind is only 3 to 5% of all of your beliefs, thoughts, emotions, Actions, your subconscious is 95 to 97%. So if we get into these cycles where we're like, we know something, but we can't get ourselves to feel it, it's because our conscious knows and our subconscious is not conditioned to believe it. And that is why you'll feel like. And your conscious mind can't outwill your subconscious mind. So those times you're like, I just have to tell myself I'm safe. I just have to let myself know. It's like, yeah, but you can't actually do that unless you get into the wiring of how the subconscious needs to be rewired. And so we can feel really limited if we're not doing that properly. And that's why it's so important to understand this piece. Right, so. So we'll talk about that in here. Yeah. You know, so here. And Michael, too, right? I just. I'm just catching up on some of these comments, but Michael, too, you said recognizing the trigger is a good starting point, but 23 years into it, it doesn't matter where your person is. I found myself thinking that they're cheating on me. So that's because you can't fix an outside. An inside problem with an outside solution. Right? We won't be able to actually heal these wounds. We won't be able to heal them unless we're rewiring and leveraging neuroplasticity to do our only rewiring on it. And we can have the most secure, safe, trustworthy person. And I've been there, right? I was a fearful avoidant. I. Looking back on my early relationships, before I did a lot of healing, I would, like, not trust anybody with anything all the time. And then, like, looking back after doing healing, I look back, I'm like, oh, those were all, like, quite true. You know, there was definitely a relationship I was in where there was a big betrayal, but a lot of other relationships I was in, there weren't. And I look back and I'm like, oh, I didn't. I had no concept that those were healthy people at the time because I didn't even know how to address those things. Right. It, like, wasn't even possible. So I get it, and it's really hard. And that's part of why I want to, like, share this so much, is because it's really. It's a burden to carry these things. It's painful. It. It messes with your head. Like, it really, like, makes you ruminate and get in your head. And I just want to let you know it is a very solvable problem. Okay. It's not. It doesn't have to be this way. It doesn't have to stay this way forever. But we have to engage the subconscious mind. If we're not leveraging neuroplasticity for rewiring, then we're going to get stuck. And there's other great things we can do. But this is one of the most important. So great share and I'm sorry you're going through that but. But I promise like you're going to be able to get out of it. Yeah. FA leading da. So this should be interesting. So you'll see some of these. Kelly, we're going to get to AP in just a moment. I'm going to come back to the rest of the day. What I've noticed from relationships with dismissive avoidant men is that they think that they're secure and don't feel defective, yet react the same way you described in the defective core wound. Why is this. Great question. So watch this. So what happens is in this process. Yes. And yeah. Can you speak on how we engage the subconscious mind? Stay tuned for that. It's. It's going to require a full live streamed episode. So make sure you subscribe because we're going to be talking about that in the weeks to come. The neuroplasticity pieces, the subconscious mind pieces. But I mentioned this earlier, it's like if you want to get a head start and not wait for us to go through that in a few weeks we have a 14 day free trial to PDS. And if you go into the emotional mastery and belief reprogramming course specifically it gives you everything with the worksheets, the exercises, the outputs, everything. And I put the link in the chat that. But you can literally like truly of sharing resources. I'll put it there again. You can go in, you can take the course, you can try it out and then you can literally cancel before day 14 and you won't be charged anything. So if you want to just go and like I want to share the resources with you guys, then you're, you can do so. So I put that in there as well, if that helps. So. So going back here to that question and then we'll go to the other wounds and we'll, we'll still make room for the exercise. But going back here to that question, which is such a powerful question, why is it that with this dismissive woidd number one, you said why do they often think they're secure? Because they do a great job at Numbing and repressing their emotions. And a lot of dismissive avoidance. Especially men conflate emotional security with not feeling okay, So a lot of dismissive avoidance are like, oh, well, I'm not emotional, I'm not reactionary. That must mean I'm the secure one. I'm secure in how I emote. And the reality is that there's a difference, a very drastic difference between self soothing and self numbing. Numbing is very avoidant. It's actually being in this, like functional, this, this dorsal vagal shutdown mode. It's repressive and it can actually cause a lot of challenges long term. You may not, you know, have as strong of emotions, but that, that is very different than being a securely attached person. Right. A securely attached person feels safe and vulnerability. They know how to communicate through conflict in healthy ways. They know their needs, they share their needs. They have healthy boundaries. They make healthy compromises. They have less core wounds. Dismissive avoidance. They feel their core wounds and their entire coping. You know how we talked at the very beginning about how our beliefs are creating thoughts that create emotions, that create actions. The action of the dismissive witness, to repress, to shut themselves down, to shut their emotions down. And so they think that that's security. And just to validate that share, I would actually have a ton. Back when I was running my practice for years, I would have a ton of dismissive, avoidant clients come in and they would say, I'm secure. And then after the end of the session, by the end of the session, I'd be like, no, they're not secure. I can tell they're avoidant. But they would often think that. And it's not, you know, that they're trying to pretend. They just generally think that. And it makes it hard too, because it's even harder to recognize that there's work to do or that you can do the work if you don't recognize that there's this maladaptive behavior to begin with. The next thing here that I just want to say too is they react the same way as you describe the defects of core wound, because they go right into the reaction. So they, they have feelings, but they kind of skip over them a little quicker. And so what you'll see is they go right into this reaction of suppression, and that's their actual action or coping mechanism. So great question. So, yeah, and. And some, a lot of people think they're securely attached at the beginning. Sometimes fearful, avoidance, even think that they're anxious at the beginning. So it's different for different people. So let's go back to these other wounds here. Other big ones are I'm weak if I'm too vulnerable, right. You see that I'm not good enough tends to be a big one for dismissive avoidance. And then the sense of being helpless or powerless if they open up or show too much emotion. And some other core wounds that I would definitely say another big one is I misunderstood, you know, this sort of assumption that nobody will understand them, which is actually really a reflection of them not understanding themselves. And then when they don't understand themselves, they can't explain themselves properly to other people, leaving them feeling more misunderstood. Okay, so that's those. Let me. You'll hear from 1 to 10 if you are DA, how strongly these tend to show up for you. And yeah, a lot of you saying I. I echo that, that question. I had an experience like that with a DA as well. I'm trying to give my FA space after his door slam, but it's hard because I'm anxious. It's been five weeks. He's had small bits for connection. Should I reach out? Yeah, Destiny. I. I'll answer at a high level. I will let you know too. In pds, I do daily like these sessions that we're doing here. I do them daily and they're for an hour and a half and they're in smaller groups so there's more time for everybody's questions and we have like literal just open questions day, whereas the podcast will be a little bit more like topic centered. But I will just say at a high level, I need to know a little bit more context, but in a general way. Fearful avoidance usually have this three to four week window after a breakup where they then miss somebody and they may make bids for connection, but the bids for connection actually need to grow. Like for you to see whether or not you should get back with somebody, there needs to be a strong green to red flag imbalance. So you need to see more green flags. So those small beds should eventually be like larger beds, more vulnerability, hanging out together. And then there should be, you know, in the evolution, they usually, if they start reconnecting, they usually take another six to eight weeks to reconnect as a whole just to date without putting a label on things and they won't jump right back into getting together. And then we need to see lots of green flags and there needs to be a discussion like what didn't work the first time around? How could we do it differently again? Just if you want to go deeper on that Topic. There's a whole the roadmap of a fearful avoidant reconnection course in PDS. And again, 14 day free trial. You can check it out for free, take it, dive in, and then if you don't want to stick around, you can cancel. You'll never be charged a thing. So these are like actual shared resources that you can dive into if you'd like. But that would be what you should be looking for is like, do I see more green flags? Does the needle keep moving? And those are be. Those would be big things to really be looking out for. Yeah. Makes it hard to approach relationship issues if they think they're secure. Yep, definitely. We associate a lack of vulnerability with security. Well said. Right? That's the truth. And so you'll definitely see that. You're so welcome, destiny. And you'll see that for sure. So. So we'll go into this in more detail for the anxious attachment style now. But. But just so you know, these tend to be huge wounds that can really shape each attachment style. And again, they come from childhood experiences, sometimes past relationship experiences. And our attachments all can change throughout the course of our lives because wiring is always happening. Neuroplasticity is such that anything we're repeatedly exposed to with repetition and emotion over time will rewire our pathways. But a lot of the times we end up playing them out so often that it makes it really difficult until we actually have rewiring tools. Right. So here are some big core wounds of the anxious attachment style. Number one, I will be abandoned. Okay, I think it's really important to note here that real abandonment and perceived abandonment do the same thing to the brain. Okay. And what I mean by this is that if you have somebody who has an acute trauma of abandonment, where let's say a parent passes away or leaves, like literally just leaves and never comes back at a young age, that acute trauma will definitely imprint a strong abandonment wound at the subconscious level. But beyond that, you know, what you'll see is that if somebody has a lot of repeated low level abandonments where, like, they constantly feel like their parents are there, but then they're traveling a lot or working a lot, or emotionally available but then not available because they're going through hard times, you know, that, that, that repetition and emotion, a lot of it over time of like, love is there, then love is taken away. Love is there, Love is taken away over time. That can create neural networks that are very similar to the output of a single really intense abandonment. So for those of you who are like, I Don't know why I'm so anxious sometimes. It's just because a lot of repetition of these things. The next one is I am unsafe. You know this. If you're anxiously attached, when you feel like somebody pulls away, that panic in your body is not just from the abandonment wound. It's also from the I am unsafe wound. Okay? There's this feeling like if somebody leaves me, I can't fend for myself. I don't know how to be without them. And you'll feel all that cortisol and adrenaline and norepinephrine and panic, right? If somebody pulls away, that's actually more rooted in the I am unsafe wound, which is why it's so important to rewire these things, because you don't have to feel those really extreme responses, okay? And like, I promise you, if you stick to a little bit of consistency, these things do not have to be shaping your life all the time. They're not even. Like, they don't have to be an ongoing part of your life. I will be alone. This fear of being alone forever, you can hear sometimes in your language, like, what if they leave me? I'll be alone forever. Also, we'll usually see I'm not good enough. A lot of anxiously attached individuals trying to, you know, earn how good enough they are and to earn that respect and that connection. The difference between not good enough and unworthy is that usually unworthiness is like, at my core, I'm not worthy, whereas not good enough. It's like, I need to do more. I need to be more almost in my. My actions. So slight difference, but meaningful. And anxiously attached individuals generally are coming from that not good enough space all the time. And then obviously huge wounds and fears around being rejected, unloved, disliked, and excluded usually stings for anxiously attached individuals if they feel excluded. And also we. We can see unseen and unheard. I put the top ones on here, but. But unseen and unheard, unimportant. Those can be other really big core wounds. Okay. For the anxiously attached individual. So now what I want to take you through. And you can notice how these things dictate your behavior too, right? Like how when these wounds come up, it shapes how you respond and what you do. So now what I want to take you through is now that we did sort of this general version of this. I want to take you into how to actually find a core wound, okay? And this is a little exercise. This is in. In one of our first courses here. This is an exercise I share with people all the time. Let Me make sure that I can actually share this here. Otherwise I'll just have to walk you through the steps. Okay, we got this. Used to sharing my screen on live stream. So this is called how to find a Core Belief. I use core belief, attachment wound, core wound interchangeably. Okay. And this first exercise is how to actually make your subconscious core wounds conscious. The whole idea here is that as we talked about earlier, if you're just joining the stream now, our core wounds come from our past experiences. Your subconscious mind is like a giant warehouse. It stores everything. It consolidates memories over time, but it stores everything. And what essentially takes place is that when we go through life, if we go through a painful experience, we store it and we store it really strongly because we want to remember it so we can protect ourselves from it. And the analogy I use is a bear in the woods. Like, if you see a bear and you run, that's great. If you go into the woods the next day, you're constantly thinking, every movement, every time that the trees move in the wind, that a bear is coming and you project it out. And that's great. That actually helps us if we're actually running from a bear and trying to, you know, run for our lives and survive. But it's actually really difficult when our version of the bear in the woods is that you felt abandoned as a kid or you felt not important or excluded or disliked or betrayed. Because when we carry these things and we project them back out onto everything, and this is honestly, you know, I don't like using this term, but truly it's. This is our relationship baggage. This is what we're carrying. So it's good to know the general overarching, integrated attachment theory core wounds, because it really helps to have insight into see these things and how they play out. But we also want to know, like, in any given situation, what wound is up for me? Okay. What's the core wound that's coming up for me specifically? So this is what we're going to do here and now. And this is like, we do daily streams like this for an hour and a half, two hours every day in pds, going through exercises together, healing, like all of this stuff in so much more detail. So this is just like a high level version of it that we're doing here. But hopefully this, this makes sense for you to. To go through this. So here's what we do. Okay. The purpose of this exercise is to realize that your emotions are feedback. Okay? Your emotions are not there to hurt you. Your emotions are giving you perfect feedback. All the time they're letting you know something is out of alignment. Sometimes it's that you have an unmet need, and sometimes it's that you have a core wound that's active, that's been catalyzed from your subconscious mind. So what we do here, and I want you to all think of this, and you're welcome to share in the chat here, and I'll pop back in and give any feedback if you have it. But the, the example here is that we pick something that triggered us, okay? So you describe a situation. Now we got. We got to get really specific, specific. The really specific situation that triggered you. So, for example, let's just use this example here. I put this as an example from somebody I was working with. I was upset yesterday when my mother criticized me. Okay? So you'll see here yesterday when mother criticized. Okay, this can be anything. This can be. I was anxious when it's hard to type and talk at the same time. I was anxious when I didn't hear back from my partner for three hours. Okay? Or I was sad when I didn't get asked on another date. Or I was, you know, on. On high alert when I felt like somebody was incongruent about something. So I want you to get really specific with the situation, okay? And then I want you to say what the emotions were specifically. So your emotions. Some people here like to tell me their thoughts. I thought this and this. No, no. What did you feel in your body? What were the emotions? Did you feel anger, hurt, sadness, frustration, you know, upset. Like, what were the actual emotions? And you'll see this is from one of our workbooks, but you'll actually see here that we have like a whole emotions list. We have emotions list and needs lists and things like that. So you'll. You can peek at a quick level here and just noticing what emotions you feel. And then you might just say, I felt hurt, anxious, sad. Okay? And then what I want you to take a look at is, okay, in this particular situation, what do you make this mean? Or what are you afraid could happen? And this is usually where you'll see somebody say, and let's just thread one specific example. So you see it. Let's say somebody says, oh, I was upset when my mother criticized me. I felt hurt, anxious, sad. And then maybe you said, okay, I am afraid I am being judged. Okay? And what we are then going to do is poke at this a little bit further. If you are judged, what do you then make it mean about you? And then we look at our core Wounds. Okay, and what you'll see here, and here's a list of the major core wounds. This is from Integrated Attachment Theory. These are all specifically part of our work around attachment cells is you'll see, well, maybe your mother was criticizing you and it hurt and it's because you made it mean that you must be defective or you make it mean that I am disrespected. And so, so you'll see here, like, obviously nobody really likes to be criticized, but sometimes we can get good feedback out of it. Sometimes we'll have a need there too, like to set a boundary, you know, things like that. But what I really want you to get here, that's so important, this is the most important part, is that a lot of the things that hurt us are subjective. So let's say that somebody didn't get a text back and you're anxiously attached and you made it mean that I am unloved or that I am disliked or I'm not important to this person. And you're going to find yourself really suffering in that, right? You don't get the text. And because that core wound is catalyzed when you're not getting that text back now you have all of this painful meaning you're giving to it, and that's why it hurts so strongly. But imagine that a dismissive avoidant doesn't get a text back for three hours. What do they feel? They probably don't feel much at all, right? They're like, oh, it's fine. They're not even thinking about it. They're like, oh, I haven't even looked at my phone in three hours. So noticing that the reason some things affect some people and other things affect other people so differently is because of the internal subconscious pre existing meaning we project onto it like the bear in the woods. And that is why in order to actually get to the bottom of our attachment wounds and heal, we have to start by understanding how they are showing up for us. Okay, so I'll review this one more time. This exercise, sorry, this is from our full workbook, so don't mind that there's all these pages. This is just, just one high level exercise. We go really deep in PDS in a lot of ways, but the whole goal here is to find the situation, number one, that that is triggering. You get specific, say the emotions you felt because it anchors you to noticing. And then what do you make it mean? Or what are you afraid will happen? And when you keep poking at it, okay, what do you make it mean about you? You Keep poking at it until you find your. That core belief. And now you have found in any given situation, your personal attachment wound that's showing up and getting projected onto this. It's the source of this pain and suffering. And when you have that, all of a sudden a lot of things start to shift and change. Okay. You have like the power now to work through these things. So I'm going to come back here, I'm going to hear yours, I'm going to go through them at a high level and I want you to know this is step one. Okay. So make sure you subscribe because there's a lot more like there's. We're going to be talking about how to work through these things. I'll share different exercises. I also want you to know if you don't want to wait for weeks to come, when we go into some of these things on our live streams, you can check out that 14 day free trial down below. And that 14 day free trial, you get immediate access. You can go right into PDF. Start taking the Emotional mastery courses where that, that. Yeah. What course is the worksheet from? The Emotional Mastery and Belief Free programming course all about the neuroscience of how to actually rewire. We have a separate course for shadow work too, a full separate with different exercises. But this is the Emotional Mastery and Belief Reprogramming one. This is just your awareness tool. Then we dive into like how to rewire them, how to work through these things in a very powerful way so that you don't have to be carrying these things. But I just want to see what your shares are. Where do I get a copy of the workbook? It's in the Emotional mastery course on the left hand side. If you just jumped in there under course materials, download your course materials, you'll see it and you'll be able to download them there. So great question. Oh, thank you, William, Appreciate that. And so, yeah, lots of great shares. FA work has been great. Really helpful. Lifesaver even. Yeah. And hopefully you've gotten a chance to rewire your wounds because it makes all of the difference to really dive into it. And yeah. How did you find working in therapy when it came to your own mental health? To be honest, you said I'm looking at being a counselor in the uk considering as a career. Yeah. So personally I've always loved this work. I think it actually was really good for me. You have to take really good care of yourself to be there for others and to pour from a full cup. And as long as you're willing to do that and you have good boundaries. You'll see it's a beneficial thing for sure. Great question. I wish I could take my friend in this. Yeah, you can share this afterwards. You can share the link. It will be published. This is in the Emotional Mastery course. So I keep seeing people asking that. Hi from Iran. Welcome. What is the best way to present a DA to. To a DA that they are a da the best way to do it is to tell them, hey, I've learned about attachment styles. These are the major ones that, that I've seen. Here's what I think I am. What do you think you are? Best way to do it. If you tell them you are this, they'll. They'll think that it's. They'll think very much so that it's them being judged or shamed and their defective core wound will be triggered. And so you want to make sure that you are able to share it openly. And they'll know. They're usually smart enough to know. But you have to make sure you share the characteristics of each one. How dismissive avoidance tend to retreat and dive in there from. From that perspective. And you'll also see by the way that if you tell them the difference between secure and dismissive and that one retreats and numbs their emotions and self numbs instead of self soothes, you know, and secure people feel comfortable being vulnerable and opening dialogue and having healthy conversations. You'll see the. The big differences. So that is it for today. This is literally season two. We're kicking off long form content. I will be here every Wednesday. Please make sure you subscribe and join me. Come back. There's so many great questions. I'm sorry I didn't get to go through all of the questions. I have a hard stop in just a minute because I'm jumping on a podcast right after this. But I will just say that any questions that you do have, we do do this daily for much longer in a smaller group in the personal development school every day. So if you ever want to come in and get more of your questions answered there, I'm in there three days a week. I have other amazing colleagues who are in there the rest of the week. So we've got. We actually have two events a day. If you just ever want added support in these group coaching programs that we do all the time at PDS, you can come join me. And there's a 14 day free trial Wednesdays and Saturdays here. So Wednesdays will be doing a little exercise and a live stream. Saturdays will be doing a conversation. Me and Mike are going to be live streaming together. We're going to be chatting about some of the practical applications of how these wounds come out or whatever the topic is on Wednesday. We'll have a discussion about it on Saturday so you can see the everyday experience of it more. It'll be fun. So I hope you guys join me and really excited that so many of you made it out today and thank you for being here. And this is our today's YouTube video too. So I'll see you next time and and hopefully see you all on Saturday. It's so nice to get to know you guys too and just chat a little bit more with. We have a huge amazing community here, so just wanted to be able to drop in and connect a little more. And yeah, Wednesday's always at this time, Saturdays at 11am Eastern instead of 12. And every so often I might have to change something for like a, have a, you know, if there's an event or something like that. But those will be the general times almost always place. Thank you guys. Appreciate you. Love you all for being here and have an amazing day and I will see you soon. Yeah, thank you guys. Have a great day. Bye. Bye.