The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: How Dismissive Avoidants Sabotage Intimacy
Date: February 20, 2026
Host: Thais Gibson

Episode Overview

This episode focuses on the subtle and often unconscious ways in which those with a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) attachment style can sabotage intimacy in their relationships. Thais Gibson systematically unpacks the core behaviors, emotional challenges, and root fears that perpetuate distance and prevent true connection for DAs. She also highlights healing strategies and insights to break these patterns and foster healthier relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Emotional Distance as Self-Protection

• Timestamps: [00:00 – 03:00]
• DAs often keep an emotional distance as relationships progress, struggling to open up or share feelings.
• Insight: This isn’t just about guarding themselves from others, but also from their own difficult emotions.
• Thais: “Dismissive avoidants… feel like if I do this, I’m giving myself away… then it’s gonna be used against me later or hung over my head later.” (00:25)

2. Counter-Dependence & Fear of Relying on Others

• Timestamps: [03:00 – 05:00]
• DAs prioritize independence to the point of becoming “counter dependent,” avoiding asking for help out of fear that support will be withdrawn.
• Root Cause: Often stems from childhood emotional neglect, leading to the belief that relying on others will end badly.
• Thais: “Just because you grew up in a household where there might have been emotional neglect, it doesn’t mean that that’s the norm in relationships.” (04:10)

3. Fear of Commitment and the “I Am Trapped” Wound

• Timestamps: [05:00 – 07:00]
• DAs struggle with commitment, fearing entrapment or that they’ll be stuck in the wrong situation.
• They may distrust their own ability to end things if necessary.
• Memorable Quote: “If I show up with somebody and I invest in them and I do commit, what if I’m stuck forever with the wrong person?” (06:00)

4. Minimizing Vulnerability and Conflict Avoidance

• Timestamps: [07:00 – 08:30]
• DAs often downplay their own upset and may refuse to engage in vulnerable or difficult conversations.
• This leads to partners feeling unseen and misunderstood.
• Thais: “[DAs] might say, ‘I’m fine, I’m not upset, I don’t get upset about stuff like that.’ And really, it’s their way of suppressing vulnerability…” (07:45)

5. Hot and Cold Dynamics (Push-Pull Pattern)

• Timestamps: [10:05 – 11:45]
• While less dramatic than with fearful avoidants, DAs may move between connection and withdrawal as their feelings oscillate between intimacy and self-protection.
• Insight: This “push-pull” is a mirror of their internal conflict about closeness and autonomy.
• Thais: “You may have moments where you really feel like connected and enjoy the connection. And then other times where your feelings scare you… so you pull back as a means for self protection.” (10:25)

6. Fear of Interdependency

• Timestamps: [11:45 – 12:30]
• DAs sabotage healthy interdependency by believing they must choose between self-reliance and connection, when true intimacy involves both.
• Thais: “You can have the relationship to yourself and have a relationship to somebody else too. Those are not mutually exclusive things.” (11:50)

7. Minimizing Problems and Failing to Recognize Others’ Emotional Needs

• Timestamps: [12:30 – 14:30]
• DAs tend to downplay issues in relationships because those issues don’t resonate with their specific wounds, not realizing they may be crucial to their partners.
• Example: Not returning a call might not affect a DA, but could be a major abandonment trigger for someone else.
• Thais: “Not everybody is as we are. Everybody’s so uniquely and individually programmed and remembering that can help us navigate different problems more effectively.” (14:10)

8. Fear of Enmeshment and Difficulty Setting Small Boundaries

• Timestamps: [14:30 – 16:00]
• DAs often fear “fusing” their emotions with others and thus set rigid, all-or-nothing boundaries.
• They struggle with articulating smaller boundaries that facilitate connection and comfort.
• Analogy: Instead of saying “I’m tired, can we have a quiet night?” a DA might cancel the date entirely.
• Thais: “They actually really struggle to set small boundaries to say… I'm feeling tired... So instead of like communicating these smaller boundaries… DAs would be like, I’m not coming over, I’m canceling the date.” (15:30)

9. Quick Exits and Flaw-Finding

• Timestamps: [16:00 – 17:30]
• Lack of need-communication leads to misunderstanding and emotional buildup, eventually resulting in DAs making a “quick exit” from relationships when it feels too much.
• Flaw-finding becomes a coping strategy for unmet needs.
• Insight: These behaviors are learned and can be unlearned through conscious need-communication.
• Thais: “The lack of communicating about your needs will actually create the need for quick exits… you’ll flaw find, you know, because what’s actually happening is we look for flaws in the spaces and places that we’re not communicating our needs…” (16:40)

10. The Solution: Learning to Communicate Needs

• Timestamps: [17:30 – End]
• DAs can break these patterns by learning to identify, communicate, and receive support for their needs.
• Thais: “All of those things are solvable problems. By learning to communicate your needs and learning what your needs are from other people, and practicing receiving instead.” (17:50)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On self-protection:
  “I find that dismissive avoidants actually feel like their relationship to this is almost that if I do this, I’m giving myself away… it’s actually something that’s going to cause conflict in the relationship…” – Thais Gibson (00:20–01:00)

• On childhood roots of DA patterns:
  “Being in a position where you experience childhood emotional neglect causes you to basically feel like if you rely on someone, the other shoe is going to drop all the time.” – Thais Gibson (03:10)

• On the “I am trapped” wound:
  “Dismissive avoidants don’t even trust themselves to leave sometimes… so, once I’m in, I’m in forever. And that’s something that’s so important to also question and look into.” – Thais Gibson (06:20)

• On setting boundaries:
  “Dismissive avoidant attachment styles are really good at setting these huge boundaries… but they actually really struggle to set small boundaries…” – Thais Gibson (15:25)

• On transforming DA patterns:
  “All of those things are solvable problems. By learning to communicate your needs and learning what your needs are from other people, and practicing receiving instead.” – Thais Gibson (17:50)

Episode Structure & Timestamps

• [00:00-03:00] – Emotional distance and fear of vulnerability
• [03:00-05:00] – Independence vs. counter-dependence; childhood roots
• [05:00-07:00] – Commitment issues and the “I am trapped” core wound
• [07:00-08:30] – Minimizing vulnerability/conflict avoidance
• [10:05-11:45] – Hot and cold (push-pull) DA dynamics
• [11:45-12:30] – Fear of true interdependency
• [12:30-14:30] – Minimizing problems and diverse emotional wounds
• [14:30-16:00] – Fear of enmeshment; difficulty with small boundaries
• [16:00-17:30] – Quick exits; flaw-finding; lack of need-communication
• [17:30-End] – Path to healing: learning and practicing need-communication

Summary Takeaway

Thais Gibson’s episode on the Dismissive Avoidant style is a deep dive into the self-sabotaging behaviors that keep DAs from experiencing true intimacy. By understanding and challenging these ingrained patterns—from emotional distance and fear of commitment, to struggles with boundaries and communication—listeners can begin to break cycles of disconnection. With self-awareness and new skills, DAs can build relationships that are both secure and fulfilling.