Podcast Summary: How to Actually Bond With A Dismissive Avoidant Without Losing Yourself

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Episode Date: December 17, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson delves into practical and psychological strategies for building a strong connection with someone who has a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style—without neglecting your own needs and boundaries. Drawing on over 14 years of experience, Thais unpacks the unique emotional needs DAs harbor, how to communicate with them effectively, and why self-honoring is crucial for healthy, reciprocal relationships.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Understanding Dismissive Avoidant Needs (00:44 – 03:20)

• Relationships require needs to be exchanged for nourishment and longevity, just as our bodies need oxygen and water.
• If needs go unmet—especially for DAs—the relationship becomes "malnourished," causing DAs to retreat:

  "It's almost like the relationship isn't being nourished and the relationship can begin to get starved out over time." (01:44 — Thais Gibson)

• The episode stresses not to lose yourself by only meeting a DA’s needs. Instead, understand and express your own:

  “Otherwise you'll just end up resentful and frustrated and bitter and then that's just going to come out in different ways that are going to end up sabotaging the relationship anyways.” (02:05 — Thais Gibson)

2. Major Needs of the Dismissive Avoidant (03:25 – 13:58)

a. Autonomy, Independence, and Freedom

• For DAs, autonomy is foundational. Requests for togetherness can be misconstrued as attempts to take away independence.

  “If you want to spend more quality time together … they usually make it mean really, really big things like, okay, you want to spend seven nights a week with me … they kind of make this big story or narrative out of that.” (04:05)

• Communication tip: Be specific and time-box requests (e.g., “Can we have quality time twice a week for an hour and a half?”) to reduce overwhelm for the DA and still meet your needs.

b. Communicating Needs for Mutual Understanding

• Link your needs with theirs when communicating; this builds respect and allows both parties to be heard:

  “When we communicate about our needs but we understand someone else's needs, it's much easier to communicate without saying, 'I'm going to take all your independence.' … We're much more likely to get our own needs met.” (06:20)

c. Understanding, Acceptance, and Support

• DAs often lack self-understanding and self-acceptance. They crave these qualities in others:

  “These are actually generally things dismissive avoidance really struggle to give themselves … they tend to shame themselves quite frequently … Hence why they tend to be very sensitive to shame and criticism.” (08:05)

• Giving authentic understanding and acceptance fulfills a deep, often unmet need.

d. Appreciation and Acknowledgment

• DAs prefer sincere, not over-the-top, appreciation for small efforts:

  “If you tell them you're the best ever … they can kind of get shy and shut down because they don't really believe that. But it's the little things … that matter.” (09:15)

• Recognize specifics (e.g., noticing when they make an effort). This counters their self-doubt about being a good partner:

  “The vast majority of the time [DAs believe] they are not capable of doing relationships … when you give that appreciation and acknowledgement to them … it goes such a long way.” (10:00)

e. Empathy

• DAs struggle to empathize with themselves; when others offer empathy, it meets a deep need:

  “But when people empathize with them and say like, 'Yeah, I understand why you'd feel this way' … it goes such a long way too.” (11:05)

f. Harmony, Peace, and Time to Decompress

• DAs highly value a peaceful environment and ample time to process and decompress. Rushed or high-conflict scenarios can be overwhelming:

  “You would be shocked at how much and how often dismissive wardens really care about just having that harmony, having that peace, having time to decompress ...” (12:15)

g. Certainty, Stability, and Safety

• Conflict wears away at DAs, causing them to shut down or withdraw:

  “Dismissive avoidance really don't like conflict, how much conflict wears away at a dismissive avoidant in a relationship, how much it makes them feel really close down and shut off …” (13:05)

• The perception of emotional safety is vital for them to remain engaged.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On losing yourself while trying to bond:

  “If you’re only meeting their needs and not having needs of your own ... you'll just end up resentful ... and that's just going to come out in different ways that are going to end up sabotaging the relationship anyways.” (02:05)

• On how DAs think about requests for closeness:

  “When you say to a dismissive avoidant, ‘we need to spend more quality time in this relationship together’ ... they usually make it mean really, really big things ...” (04:25)

• On the importance of authentic appreciation:

  “It's the little things, it's the really sincere, sincere pieces of acknowledgement and appreciation that matter.” (09:25)

• On empathy as an unmet inner child need:

  “It's another characteristic that I found over the years that dismissive wouldn't get limerence around in other people. It can be something that they really are drawn to because it's kind of this deep inner child unmet need that’s sitting there.” (11:35)

• On DAs and conflict:

  “They feel the need to really, like a turtle going into their shell—like protect, self-preserve, withdraw—and how impactful it is when you're on the receiving end of that.” (13:20)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:44 — The function of needs in relationships
• 03:25 — The importance of not losing oneself when bonding with a DA
• 04:05 — DA’s need for autonomy and how to request togetherness
• 06:20 — Communicating needs with mutual understanding
• 08:05 — DAs’ craving for understanding, acceptance, and support
• 09:15 — The value and method of giving appreciation to DAs
• 11:05 — Empathy as a bonding tool
• 12:15 — Importance of harmony, peace, and decompression time
• 13:05 — Conflict, safety, and why certainty matters

Episode Takeaways

• Meeting the needs of a DA partner is vital but should never come at the expense of your own boundaries and self-care.
• Concrete, specific communication helps prevent misunderstandings and supports both partners.
• Understanding, acceptance, support, sincere appreciation, empathy, peace, and stability are the “lifeblood” needs for DAs in any relationship.
• When both parties are empowered to express and request their needs, the relationship is healthier and more sustainable.

For listeners who want to learn more about articulating needs and attachment theory, Thais offers a free course accessible via her personal development school.