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The Thais Gibson Podcast
How to Actually Bond With A Dismissive Avoidant Without Losing Yourself
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Have you ever wondered what makes a dismissive avoidant actually feel bonded and connected to other people? Because trust me, there are some really big things that do. And in today's video, we are going to break exactly that down. We're going to do a deep dive on how to bond with a dismissive avoidant. But it's really important that you learn these things from the context of making sure you do not lose yourself in the process. So everything that you're hearing about these major needs a dismissive avoidant has, we're also going to talk a little bit about how to make sure you know your own needs and take them into consideration. Because by the way, dismissive avoidant attachment styles end up up investing in people longer who actually are making sure that they are taking care of their own needs as well, sharing them with their dismissive avoidant partner in healthy, communicative ways and requesting that those needs actually be met. We're going to start by talking about the roadmap, the major ways that a dismissive avoidant ends up feeling the most bonded with other people. And I'm going to share the most impactful and important ones at the end of this video. If you're new here. Hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson. I'm the founder of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory, the proven method that leverages neuroplasticity to actually rewire your attachment style. And after working with people for coming up on 14 years, both in our private practice and in our online group programs, I'm here to share with you the most powerful insights about deep inner transformation and healing from your childhood and past relationships so that you can live your best life. Let's get into it. The way I like to think of our needs in terms of the components of a relationship is, is that they allow the relationship to sustain itself. And they're essentially the lifeblood of the relationship as a whole. So just like the body, for example, has different needs that has to be met from a survival point of view, a relationship has needs that have to be met as well. So just like the body needs to have oxygen or water, you know, from a relationship dynamic, without needs being exchanged between two parties, it's almost like the relationship isn't being nourished and the relationship can begin to get starved out over time. Now, needs and the meeting of needs exist in so many different forms. It's not just this like, exchange of energy the way you would think. It's that you can be emotionally supportive to each other, you can be present with each other. There's so many different variations of needs, but the dismissive avoidant has a few crucial ones that when these things are not missing, I almost think of it as the dismissive void being malnourished in the relationship and then they start to sort of pull away, retreat, retract, and it can lead to sort of the downfall of a relationship as a whole. Before I cover these specific ones, I want to say as well that like, this isn't a video about you pouring into the dismissive avoidant and only meeting their needs and not having needs of your own. Otherwise you'll just end up resentful and frustrated and bitter and then that's just going to come out in different ways that are going to end up sabotaging the relationship anyways. So when we go through needs here and we talk about the DA version of this, I want to encourage you as a listener if you're a different attachment style and you're trying to pour into a friendship or romantic partnership to make sure that you get clear about what your needs are in a relationship too, so that you can really have that exchange first and foremost. Some major relationship needs every day tends to have is number one, the need for their autonomy, independence and freedom to not feel like they are being swallowed. A lot of dismissive avoidance. It's really interesting, whenever any of us have fears in relationships, we can make this really ambiguous worst case scenario in our minds. Like if you don't know what's going to happen, it's so much easier to blow things out of proportion. So one hack I often give for people in relationships is if you're having a request from a dismissive avoidant partner, and let's say, for example, you want to spend more quality time together when you say to a dismissive avoidant, we need to spend more quality time in this relationship together. Dismissive avoidance. Because they're afraid at a deep level of being completely enmeshed or swallowed whole by a relationship or losing their independence, autonomy and freedom, they usually make it mean really, really big things like, okay, you want to spend seven nights a week with me all the time and I can't have any time to myself. And they kind of make this big story or narrative out of that. And a really hack for communicating around that is to say, can you quality time twice a week with you for an hour and a half? And like, that's really important for us to sustain the relationship. We need to have an hour and a half or we're just present with each other twice a week. And if you Just give really concrete examples like you just give time box examples like that, like an hour and a half, twice a week by saying that the day doesn't blow these things out of proportion and fear that their autonomy, their independence, their freedom to do the things they want to do is going to be stripped away completely. So, you know, it's a great hack for making sure that you get your needs met. While also, and of course it doesn't have to be an hour and a half, you can pick a timeframe that works for you. But these needs are really big for DA's autonomy, independence and freedom. And I really want to say as well, before I move on to some of the next needs, is just how important it is to communicate about needs so that you can communicate your needs in a way that's sort of linked to their needs as well. Right. Like when we communicate about our needs but we understand someone else's needs, sort of roadmap, then it's much easier to communicate without saying, I'm going to take all your independence, autonomy and freedom. And we're more likely to get heard from that perspective and we're much more likely to get our own needs met. I'll give you some more examples as we go throughout the video on that. I want to let you know we have for free as a gift. Our discover, embrace and fulfill your relationship needs course. It's all about learning your relationship needs to self and your own personal relationship needs. It's one of these six major pillars to actually healing and rewiring your attachment style. And it helps you learn people's needs in your life even if they're not taking the course with you. It helps you understand the patterns and themes that people show that then translates into what needs they generally have both in relationships and friendships, family relationships. It really dives deep into understanding the language of needs because it's actually more important to understand people's needs and how we exchange them. When it comes to essentially the languages of love, then your typical love languages that you'll see, needs hit way deeper. So if you want to learn all about that, you get to actually keep that course for free for life. It's a gift that comes along with your seven day free trial. If you want to check out the personal development school for free for seven days, I'll put that below. I hope you check it out. The next big needs that you would be surprised about and these are huge for DAs. They want to feel like there is understanding in their relationship acceptance and support. Now at a deep level, something that's really interesting here is we tend to, and this is for all attachment styles, we tend to as human beings really get into a space where wherever we are in learned helplessness in the relationship to self in regards to meeting our own needs, we tend to kind of outsource and project them onto others. And it's really interesting because if you look at this sort of need set here, you look at understanding, acceptance, support. These are actually generally things dismissive avoidance really struggle to give themselves, right? Like they're not very understanding of their own feelings or needs. They're not very accepting of themselves. They tend to shame themselves quite frequently. Hence why they tend to be very sensitive to shame and criticism and they don't tend to support themselves very well. So these are things they're like aching for. Like almost from an inner child perspective. When people come into their lives to give these, they really light up gap. In fact, it's actually a place that dismissive avoidance can fall into limbrance with other individuals because they really, really value these dynamics. So understanding, acceptance, support big needs for dismissive avoidance. And the next set here is appreciation and acknowledgement. Appreciation and acknowledgement don't have to be these huge things. In fact, dismiss avoidance, don't love over the top appreciation and acknowledgement. If you tell them you're the best ever, they're the most amazing. They can kind of get shy and shut down because they don't really believe that. But it's the little things, it's the really sincere, sincere pieces of acknowledgement and appreciation that matter. So things like, hey, I noticed you're really making an effort in the relationship the past few days. I see that and I just want to say thank you. So it's like acknowledging these little small things in a sincere way that really motivates the dismissive avoidant. Because what you'll see as well is that dismissive avoidance actually have this really deep idea about themselves. The vast majority of the time that they are not capable of doing relationships. They are not capable of giving what their partner needs. Part of the reason being because as we talked about earlier, they kind of painted in their mind is like the never ending story. So for example, if you say I need more time or more presence or more affection or more, you know, whatever it might be, generally days think that it's like endless, like I need to be able to give that to you 24 7, 365. Whereas if you just time box it and you just say hey, you know, I really would appreciate us having more quality time together can we go out for a date night once a week. Or if you say, you know, I really need more of your presence at times, can we have a good morning routine together for 15 minutes? When you say these things, the day doesn't get afraid. And then when the DA shows up to meet those things and you acknowledge it and appreciate it, they have this belief that they're really trying to overcome within themselves that they're incapable. And so when you give that appreciation and acknowledgement to them, especially about the things they're doing in the relationship dynamic, it goes such a long way. It makes DAs feel like they're capable, they can do it, they've got this, they see the harmony, they see that it's not this like never ending dynamic where they have to be there 247 all the time. And it makes them feel like, oh, this is actually really achievable. And it really breaks things down from being like this huge overwhelming feat, if that makes sense. A huge other need is empathy. DA's really struggle to empathize with themselves and it's partially because they're just so disconnected from their own emotions, they really struggle with that. But when people empathize with them and say like, yeah, I understand why you'd feel this way, or you know, I can see what you're feeling in this situation, I get why that situation would feel uncomfortable for you and can really speak to those things. It goes such a long way too. Like DA's really value that empathy. And again, it's another characteristic that I found over the years that dismissive wouldn't get limerence around in other people. It can be something that they really are drawn to because it's kind of this deep inner child unmet need that sitting there now. A couple other ones that are really massive are harmony, peace, time to decompress. You would be shocked at how much and how often dismissive wardens really care about just having that harmony, having that peace, having time to decompress and really to process their feelings and thoughts because it often takes them a little bit longer to do so. And then last but not least, the other really big need needs that dismissive avoidance have are the needs for certainty, stability and safety. You would be shocked if you in theory sat with me through the hundreds or thousands probably of DA client sessions I had over the past 10 years or so. And, and really to see how much dismissive avoidance really don't like conflict, how much conflict wears away at a dismissive avoidant in a relationship, how much it makes them feel really close down and shut off and they feel the need to really like a turtle going into their shell. Like protect, self, preserve, withdraw and how impactful it is when you're on the receiving end of that. Or if you're in a relationship with a DA because they don't show their emotions, you think, oh, they're emotionless, they're unaffected. But it really couldn't be further from the truth. Like DA can really avoid conflict. They can really hurt over it. They really don't like, you know, highs and lows of conflicts in relationships. And it's definitely something important to keep in mind. So if you are the day, I hope this is helpful for you. If you are the loved one of a dismissive avoidant, I hope this is super helpful. Cool for you too, especially the parts about kind of communicating your needs while considering and understanding theirs. And of course there are other needs, but these are the major ones that really create this framework of what they tend to be hunting for and kind of starving for in relationships. Thank you so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed. Please like share and subscribe if you are enjoying the content on this channel. And if you hit the notification bell, you won't miss any daily videos I put out literally every single day. So looking forward to seeing you in future videos. And thank you for watching.