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Have you ever been texting with a dismissive avoidant and wondered what on earth is actually going on? Dismissive avoidance tend to be very confusing for most people to decode and to understand what their text messages mean. Are they interested, are they not interested, are they coming, are they going? Are they trying to make plans or cancel them? In today's video, I'm going to break it all down for you so that you have more insight. And honestly, if you're the dismissive avoidant listening to this, it's really powerful for you to also start to recognize some of your own patterns within this and this will really help you be able to open up your communication. But of course, this video is much more so for individuals who, who are on the receiving end of this, who feel confused. So I really hope this breaks down a very clear guide to the patterns of dismissive avoidance and texting. And I hope you enjoy. My first question for you is, have you ever had a text message exchange with a dismissive avoidant friend, family member or romantic partner? Especially where you're saying something like, hey, are we still getting together this weekend? Are we still hanging out? What's the plan for tomorrow? Are we still going on the date? Are we still going out for dinner? You know, something direct and clear, especially if there's been an established conversation about this before and then you get an indirect response. So this could be something like the DA saying back to you, you know, I'm just walking my dog or oh, I'm just having some car trouble and taking my car in. But they're not really answering the question. They're not saying I won't be able to make it because I'm having car trouble or I'll let you know within an hour. There's not this direct communication taking place. It's almost this like open ended, ambiguous sort of dialogue that's happening on the receiving end. That, that can feel very frustrating and very disheartening and confusing and all sorts of different things. I thought this would be really wonderful to discuss because of the fact that A, we can also like gain insight into what's going on for the dismissive avoidant. B, help not take it so personally if you are on the receiving end of that. And C, get some strategies for like what to do when this type of communication takes place. So first and foremost, let's say that you're in this situation. Okay, why is the dismissive avoidant doing this? What's going on? Well, dismissive avoidance tend to try to walk this sort of fine line where they often want connection but fear it at the same time. And it's like they want connection, but sometimes they fear what really comes with it, the commitment, this fear of rejection. If they're not showing up well, they tend to, if they're not feeling 100%, not like, go and just try to show up well and follow through with the plans. But they prefer to sort of like, only want to do things when they truly, truly 100% feel like it. Like, they're. They're not used to making a lot of those compromises because they come from a childhood of emotional neglect where usually there weren't a lot of compromises modeled to them in the first place. So you have that. That's playing a role in a factor. But then also you have this fact that dismissive avoidance tend to avoid conflict. They really don't like conflict. And they tend to avoid saying or doing things that they think could maybe get them in trouble or get them shamed or criticized. And it's because they don't want to feel those shame wounds. But they also tend to not really want to rock the boat. And so they try to walk this fine line of being safe. Now, I've had many conversations with dismissive, avoidant clients over the years and had discussions, were actually asked like, hey, why aren't you answering something directly? What's going on? For. And consistently I would get answers like, oh, well, I just didn't want to cause a problem. I wasn't sure if I would change my mind. I was sort of having mixed feelings about the situation. And usually the vast majority of the time, and of course, it's mindful to recognize that there could be different cases based on, like, the different compatibility of the individuals. But the vast majority of the time I would also hear things like, oh, I'm really interested, but I just didn't feel like hanging out, or I'm really interested, but I just. I don't know if it was the right time. I wasn't feeling 100%. I didn't want to show up halfway. And so you. You'll get this really interesting dialogue where the dismissive. When they're in that position of being in their feelings, competing with their fears of not wanting to rock the boat, of being unsure about how they're going to feel and sort of fearful of the commitment dynamics, and then not wanting to get, like, in trouble or criticized and shamed, it leads them to this place where they sort of feel pulled in two different directions. And that's why you get that very gray area answer that very like ambiguous, vague response. So if you're on the receiving end of that, that can feel really frustrating. But it's important to not take that personally just by gaining that insight and understanding and being able to realize like, hey, this is what's sort of probably going on for that person. And it doesn't make it mean that I'm not good enough, that I'm not interesting enough. When we still have wounds from childhood or from past experiences, it's so easy for the mind to give meaning based on our own unresolved insecurities and fears. So it's so easy if you have this wound where you think I'm not good enough or I'm not lovable or I'm unworthy to just insert that as the idea is why this is happening. And it's really important that we don't allow other people's wounds of any other attachment style to define what we feel about ourselves as people. Right. It's like somebody else's behaviors shouldn't define my character or who I am. I just want to pop in here and let you know we are doing a seven day free trial to the All Access membership Pass at pds, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week. And on top of that, you get access to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication, Boundaries, Emotional Mastery, Guilt and Shame, Learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward. And last but not least, there's a daily community event. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. Please join me on the other side. Come check it out, see if it's a fit for you. I'd love to see you there. Go ahead and sign up by clicking the link in the description box below. What do you do if you're in this situation? Well, one of the first things is you have to value your time. It's really important that what you don't do is walk on eggshells and enable this pattern of behavior. It's not coming from this like, malicious place. It doesn't make the DA like a bad person, but it's not really constructive for the sake of a relationship, especially for a relationship moving forward. Now. I've had many conversations with people over the years who get afraid and they really get afraid of rejection more than anything else. Like, what if I say something or tell the person that I, you know, need to see them or something like that, and then I get rejected. And my answer for this is, you don't have to tell the person like you need to see them, but you can tell them that like you value your time, you're trying to figure out if you're going to make other plans or not. And you need some context. If somebody's not ready to be in a romantic relationship and they're not really looking for something like that, then they'll walk away over something small. And all that does is just allow you to really see and understand that that person's not in a place to participate in something you may be looking for. And if that' the case, it's better you find that out early than get caught up in this relationship dynamic for a long period of time only to then have something not really work out the way that you hoped or planned. So I don't think we should ever shrink ourselves or deny our own needs or walk on eggshells as a means of like gaining approval as a means to then see if somebody is the right fit for a relationship. Like, no, you should show up, share what you want, share what your needs are, live in your truth and somebody's either on board or not. And you need to know one way or another. I've always shared this with clients. Historically. It's like you need to just say to the person, let's say the person says something about their car. Be like, hey, I'm sorry to hear that about your car. Just to be clear, do you want to find some other way to hang out? Are you looking to spend time together or not? I just want to know so that I can make plans for my weekend. And you can say it in a very non pressuring way. You can even say like no pressure and you can add that in there. But, but it doesn't mean that you should just sit around waiting or walk on eggshells or make all these plans just in case the person doesn't fall through and then change them when they do. Like, it's really important that you honor yourself, your needs and your boundaries so you can share something along those line, saying just so I'm clear, and putting in something like that so that you're letting the person know that you're clarifying. Right? You're not allowing this like ambiguous sort of dynamic to take place. And then you can say no pressure. I hope everything's good but I need to know what's going on so I can make other plans if you're not available and please let me know. And you have a right as a human being to be able to communicate that way whether it's with a dismissive avoidant or a fearful avoidant or any other attachment style because you have a divine right to your own time and honoring that. So don't be afraid to ask, don't be afraid to communicate and if that's something that's going to make somebody pull away or walk away from a relationship then it was going to happen one way or another. I hope this makes sense and let me know in the comments below if you have any other questions about this or communication, direct indirect communication, any of that stuff at all and I'm glad to answer any questions you might have. If you have any other questions let me know and thank you for being here and watching and I will see you in tomorrow's video.