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The Thais Gibson Podcast
How to Get Closure From Someone Who Won't Give It | Anxious Attachment
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Dear Anxious attachment styles. Your need for closure from somebody who is literally not capable of giving it to you is not a healthy coping mechanism. It is something that is going to leave you feeling empty, feeling like you're trying to draw water from a stone. And in today's video, I'm going to take you through three things that you can do right now that are completely different from trying to get closure from the wrong person. And it will help you change how you're feeling almost immediately. Now, if you're new to this channel, hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson. I'm the founder of the Personal Development School and of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory, the only proven method that leverages neuroplasticity to actually rewire your attachment style and really help you heal fast. What I want to dive into here is if you are somebody who struggled with a breakup, and maybe you weren't even in a serious or formal relationship with somebody, but you were dating them, spending time with them, maybe it was a situationship and you found yourself constantly trying to connect with them, only to be ghosted to be broken up with or left, or have them cut things off all of a sudden or out of the blue, and you feel like you can't move on until you get proper closure from them. Well, that's not actually true because there is a coping strategy that you're trying to access here. And what you're not understanding is that closure is not the need. Certainty is the need. And there are three steps that we can take right now to completely change everything. Step one, I want you to pause and ask yourself whether or not this person that you're trying to actually get closure from even capable of giving you any healthy closure at all. And this evaluation should be based on how this person is actively showing up. Are they somebody who has the healthy ability to give closure? Are they somebody who's in a position where they're good at communicating and talking things out and empathizing with other people's feelings? Are they somebody who's good at taking accountability for their actions? And if you answered no to most of those things, then you're probably looking to get a need from somebody who can't actually meet it for you, and it's going to leave you feeling stuck, like you're in this holding pattern or freeze mode of not not being able to even come out of this breakup situation and truly begin to move on. The second thing that you're going to do is realize what I said earlier, which is that you are experiencing a void of certainty in the situation. And probably this is because you don't really have the certainty to understand why this person didn't want to continue things, what's going on in that person's mind that they didn't want to really work through things with you. And in all of these types of cases, you are trying to sort of get in there and understand the mind of somebody who's probably walled up, closed off and not able or willing to work things out with you. And probably definitely not willing or able to share vulnerably about their internal world and what they're thinking and feeling. What we can do here is we can do something called reframing the need. We are going to unplug trying to get the need met from one form and plug it into another. So I want you to think of this. This person's not able to give you the certainty that you need. So we're going to unplug trying to get certainty from there and we're going to plug into how we can get certainty in other forms. Some examples of this could be you writing a list of all the reasons that this person wouldn't have been a good long term fit for you anyways in a relationship. And that actually gives you the certainty as to recognizing, wait, this is why it wasn't going to work out. This person couldn't communicate properly or open up or do the work, or this person didn't want to invest in a long term relationship with me. And if that's the case, then you're better off not trying to invest with somebody who wasn't going to invest in you. That's just going to leave you feeling heartbroken and alone while you're in a relationship, if you even tried to carry it forward. So you can start, start by looking at like basically all of the things you're certain about in regards to why the relationship wouldn't have worked anyways. And you can even look at how you're certain that you might be better off moving forward in this new season of your life. You can also look for certainty plugging into new forms. Like I'm in a position where I can focus on myself, maybe gaining certainty from doing some of your own internal work, starting to essentially date yourself or get to know yourself again without this person or certainty from being around healthy friends and family members that are going to show up for you and be supportive for you in the season. But all you're doing here is you're looking for where you can plug in what you're trying to get from that person into different forms. So you can actually build momentum. If you want to check out courses that help you recondition all of those painful stories that just go on and on in your mind, and projections of all of these outcomes. We have a whole course you can check out fully for free, for a limited time, all about what a secure and healthy relationship looks like. This is just available for a limited time. And I will put that link down below if you want to check it out further. Here's the last thing. I want you to take a look at how other needs were being met in that relationship, even if they were in really small forms, even if they were almost a breadcrumb to you. And I want you to look at where I'm at in my own journey of meeting those needs myself. So, for example, if your ex or this person in your life gave you validation, maybe only a 2 out of 10, but you still feel like there's a hole there or this void left behind where that person was meeting the validation at least a little bit for you in terms of a need, that's actually telling you that you really struggle to give yourself validation. So we hunger for something from somebody when we are starving for it within ourselves first. And a lot of times what we're grieving from somebody, especially if they weren't right for us or they weren't healthy for us in our relationship or in our life, we end up grieving for something because we're actually so limited in our own capacity to show up for ourselves in those areas first. So you can make a list here for step three. That's like, what are all of the things that I specifically miss about my ex? And what needs that those things meet? And how can I start plugging all of those needs into new forms? How can I start showing up for myself first in those areas? You know, validating myself, for example, by acknowledging my wins on a daily basis or journaling about two or three things that I'm proud of on a weekly basis. How can I do something that's actually giving to myself what I was trying to source from that person? And what that actually does is it fills that void that's left behind from somebody, which is actually what grief really is. And it allows us to really fill up that void faster and move through the grieving process way more quickly as a result. Now, again, if you want to go way deeper using that course that I talked about, that link is down below. But thank you so much for stopping by and for watching. If you enjoyed today's video. Please like share and subscribe to this channel where I put daily content here about all different things connected to relationships, healing, attachment styles and I hope to see you subscribe and in future videos. Thanks for watching.