Podcast Summary: How to Get Closure From Someone Who Won't Give It | Anxious Attachment

Host: Thais Gibson
Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Date: January 7, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode addresses the struggle of seeking closure from people—often romantically involved—who are unwilling or unable to provide it, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles. Thais Gibson, an expert in attachment theory and founder of the Personal Development School, breaks down three actionable steps to help listeners move forward and find certainty and healing within themselves, rather than relying on unfulfilling external sources.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Real Need Behind Closure

• Closure isn't really what you're seeking; it's certainty.
  Thais explains that for many with anxious attachment, the pursuit of closure is a coping strategy that can never truly satisfy because the other person is incapable of offering what is needed:
  • "Your need for closure from somebody who is literally not capable of giving it to you is not a healthy coping mechanism. It is something that is going to leave you feeling empty, feeling like you're trying to draw water from a stone." (00:00)
• The focus should be shifted from seeking closure to understanding the craving for certainty in the aftermath of a breakup or ambiguous ending.

2. Step 1: Evaluate the Person’s Capacity to Give Closure

• Assess whether your ex/other person is even able to give real closure.
  • Reflect on whether the person is emotionally available, accountable, and communicative.
  • If the answer is mostly "no," recognize that getting closure from them isn't possible and only leads to feeling stuck.
  • "Are they somebody who has the healthy ability to give closure? Are they somebody who's...good at taking accountability for their actions?" (01:18)

3. Step 2: Reframe and Re-Source the Need for Certainty

• Unplug your need for certainty from that person and plug it into new forms.
  • Write a list of reasons why the relationship wouldn’t have worked long-term.
  • Gain certainty by:
    • Focusing on personal growth.
    • Connecting with supportive friends and family.
    • Engaging in self-reflection and self-care activities.
  • "You're experiencing a void of certainty... We're going to unplug trying to get certainty from there and we're going to plug into how we can get certainty in other forms." (03:00)

4. Step 3: Identify and Meet Your Own Needs

• Investigate which needs your ex/situationship was meeting—however minimally—and learn to meet them yourself.
  • Make a list of what you miss about the person, noting which needs those things fulfilled (validation, affection, etc.).
  • Develop practical habits for self-validation and self-care, such as journaling accomplishments or recognizing personal growth.
  • "We hunger for something from somebody when we are starving for it within ourselves first." (07:05)
  • "How can I start showing up for myself first in those areas?...What that actually does is it fills that void that's left behind from somebody, which is actually what grief really is." (08:40)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Futility and Pain of Seeking Closure from the Wrong Person:

  "It is something that is going to leave you feeling empty, feeling like you're trying to draw water from a stone." — Thais Gibson (00:08)

• On Changing Your Strategy:

  "If you answered no to most of those things, then you're probably looking to get a need from somebody who can't actually meet it for you, and it's going to leave you feeling stuck..." — Thais Gibson (01:58)

• On Reframing Certainty:

  "This person's not able to give you the certainty that you need. So we're going to unplug trying to get certainty from there and we're going to plug into how we can get certainty in other forms." — Thais Gibson (03:17)

• On Self-Validation:

  "We hunger for something from somebody when we are starving for it within ourselves first." — Thais Gibson (07:05)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [00:00] The real need isn’t closure—it's certainty; why seeking closure from the wrong source is harmful.
• [01:18] Step 1: Evaluate if the person can provide closure.
• [03:00] Step 2: Reframe your need and seek certainty elsewhere.
• [07:05] Step 3: Identify unmet needs and learn to self-source them.
• [08:40] Practical suggestions for self-validation and filling the “void.”

Final Thoughts

Thais Gibson’s empathetic yet practical approach guides listeners through a recontextualization of closure, encouraging self-inquiry and healthy self-reliance. She offers actionable tools to transform patterns of anxious attachment into opportunities for personal growth and certainty—entirely independent of those unwilling or unable to provide it.

For more resources and courses on attachment and relationships by Thais Gibson, check the links provided in the episode.