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Have you ever known somebody who vanishes the moment that things get real? Or maybe you've been ghosted by somebody and you feel like it was all your fault, like it was totally you that did something wrong. But there may be more to that story. In fact, today I'm going to help you break down and understand what something called a dismissive avoidant attachment style is. Why they tend to ghost and how to really turn the tables in a healthy way. If you've been ghosted so that you can get back your sense of purpose, personal empowerment, and have the insight to make sure you don't keep ending up in these types of situations over and over again. If you haven't been ghosted before, it is very likely to happen to people. In fact, research shows that 75% of people report being ghosted at least once in their life and in their relationships. And we're going to talk about how you can react next time so that you make sure this doesn't continue. Her name is Thais Gibson.
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Thais Gibson.
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Thais Gibson.
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Thais Gibson.
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Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson.
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I hope I pronounce her name properly. Thais Gibson.
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I am so excited for you to be here with me today. Thank you for joining us.
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Sometimes somebody is not ghosting you because of something you did. More often than not, somebody is ghosting you because they don't know how to have the conversations about their needs or what they're looking for, or they're simply running from themselves. So let's start by breaking down what an avoidant attachment stylized. And then we'll get into this a little bit more deeply. A dismissive avoidant attachment style is one of four major relationship styles. Everybody has one. And they tend to, in relationships, want to literally run as soon as things get real. And this is because in their own conditioned experiences and their own upbringing in childhood, when they were vulnerable, it didn't go well for them. They didn't feel like their vulnerability was reciprocated. They didn't feel like their parents were attuned to them or present with them when they were vulnerable. In oftentimes, when an avoidant child was vulnerable, their parents literally dismissed their feelings or shamed them for expressing them. And this causes this person to adapt to this by going, okay, well, I better just not need anybody at all. And that's how I'm going to feel the sense of control and safety in my life. And so what we have is this individual who then grows up in their own life and they deal with this kind of dynamic by Going, okay, well I'm just going to not need anybody. But they're still going to get feelings for people. And when they do get feelings, they usually have two big pull away periods. First pull away period is 4, 5, 6 months into a relationship as soon as we're starting to move towards a commitment. This is generally when somebody goes from the dating stage into more of the honeymoon stage in relationships and when feelings get real. And a lot of times dismissive avoidance shut down as soon as they've really begun to attach. Okay, so once that attachment bond has been built, they're like, oh, I feel vulnerable now. What do I know about vulnerability? Well, it didn't go well for me in childhood, so I need to know they'll push you away. The other stage is about a year and a half to two years in when the honeymoon stage ends and they move into the power struggle stage. Nobody pulls away as strongly as avoidant attachment styles in this stage of a relationship. It trounces the four to six month mark pull away period. It's so much stronger. And it's if they happen to stay in that relationship dynamic, they're going to shut down completely and really try to isolate themselves in this relationship and keep a lot of distance from their partner. In these cases, we may see people ghost. Leave relationships altogether. Leave relationships suddenly, especially if you're just getting to know somebody. And at the end of the day, not all avoidant disappearances are the same. There's usually three major reasons why dismissive avoidance will go during that period of time. And then we're going to talk about what this means about you. By the way, reason number one is that a dismissive avoidant is in a position where their vulnerability scares the living daylights out of them. And they're like, I need to shut down and pull away completely as a way of protecting myself. And this will cause them to literally, like a turtle going into their shell, pull away, hide. And reason number two is that they end up feeling trapped. They have a big wound of feeling trapped and this huge fear of being trapped in the wrong relationship. But this really goes hand in hand with reason number three, which is they don't know how to communicate their needs and get understood. And so they often instead feel shamed or criticized and those wounds get triggered and they don't know how to get their needs met or tell somebody that they're hurt because they haven't had a lot of experiences with healthy conversation and vulnerable convers conversation so that there can be some sort of resolution. And without vulnerable conversation Nobody can know what you're feeling or needing. And so because of all this lack of resolution and these fears of being trapped or criticized and shamed, or this fear of being in a position where they're just too. They feel weak or too vulnerable and it feels scary to them, like emotional unsafety, they pull away. And because they don't know how to have these conversations, it feels like it's something out of the blue. And that must mean it's something that you've done. And it couldn't be further from the truth. Far more often than not, these situations are happening because of this person's inner turmoil, that they don't know how to communicate. Now we're going to get into what this means about you, but I want to tell you one more thing about the avoidant first. When they don't know how to communicate, they feel. I've had this conversation with thousands of avoidance. They usually say things like, oh, well, I just felt like it was easier to not have to have a hard conversation because for dismissive avoidance, they don't know how to have hard conversations and they don't like conflict. But what they don't realize is leaving things on this note of uncertainty is extremely excruciating for the vast majority of other people. And being ghosted without some kind of understanding as to why or what happened or some sort of resolution or closure actually makes other people's healing experience a lot harder. So what does this mean about you, and what do you do? What this means about you? A lot of the time, if this is a pattern or theme, is not that you're worthy of being ghosted, not that you're not lovable enough or good enough. No, it means more often than not that you are attracted to. To unavailable partners. Well, why would that be? A lot of times people invest in emotionally unavailable partners because it feels familiar. And at the end of the day, your subconscious mind is literally making your choices. Your subconscious mind is running your show. The subconscious mind is your habituated self. It's your pattern self. Your conscious mind is your logical thinking self. Your conscious mind is responsible for 3 to 5% of all of your beliefs, thoughts, emotions, actions. Your subconscious is 95 plus percent. And we choose at a subconscious level what feels familiar because we equate it to safety and thus survival. And you know what happens? People who keep choosing people who ghost them, they usually are highly unavailable to themselves first. In other words, you probably. People please everybody. You probably put yourself last. You probably don't honor or advocate for your own feelings. Your own needs or your boundaries. And what this means is that as a result of all of this, you end up chasing people who mirror that back to you. Because at some level, you've come to believe that that's familiar and that's safe. And your subconscious is like, well, we've been surviving, so this is working. So you keep choosing from that. Now, if you've been ghosted, your first instinct is usually to call or text the person, to chase after them, to get closure from them and pine after getting answers from that person. But those reactions are often exactly what keep the cycle going instead. So here's what you should be doing. Your way out of this pattern and theme is for you to be able to learn to heal the way that you treat yourself in your own internal world first. And this means that you have to learn what your needs are and how to meet them part way. If you need encouragement or validation, stop criticizing yourself. Start validating yourself. Start literally building yourself up in your internal dialogue instead. If you need to feel like a priority, learn to prioritize. Spending time with you, getting to know yourself, date yourself, ask yourself meaningful questions. Introspect about who you are and what life lights you up and brings meaning to your life. Introspective about your mission, your vision, your goals, the things that you want to create for yourself. If you want to feel like you're in a position where somebody is going to really want to spend time with you, you have to learn to want to spend time with yourself first, so that you're not just making yourself available to anybody and are so willing to accept breadcrumbs because you're starving. So the more you change these themes and patterns within yourself, you are rewiring through repetition across time, your subconscious comfort zone. And when you do that, everything begins to change. And in turn, you will no longer be attracted to and wanting to invest in people who are unavailable. Now, being ghosted does not define your love life or your worthiness as a person. How you respond to these situations and how you choose instead to show up for yourself is ultimately what turns the tables. When you decide, if this happens to me, my best revenge on this person is going to be how to learn to love myself, how to make sure that I'm never in situations where this happens to me again. Because how I'm going to treat treat myself from this day forward is going to change. That is what rewires your nervous system and heals your heart to be in a position where you're ready for real love. And on this channel that's exactly what I'm going to teach you because I help to go through the root patterns in all of our relationships, why we do what we do, why we pick, who we pick in love, and how to make sure that you are building successful relationships on your terms.
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If you enjoyed this episode, please please take a moment to subscribe, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform, Share it with friends and family who are on their journey of personal development and growth, and thank you for listening. Next week, we'll be back with more insights to guide you on your journey. And until then, keep practicing our tools and strategies to change your subconscious mind and apply some of the powerful learnings from this podcast so that you experience real life transformation.