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[00:00]
A
Dismissive avoidants are so hard to read. But have you ever wondered what's actually going on in their mind behind the scenes? Well, as somebody who spent the last 14 years working with all attachment styles, but definitely having about 15, 20% of those people be dismissive avoidant, I can tell you that I've seen the inside of their world so many times over. And in today's video I'm going to break down some brutal truths. I'm going to share with you all of the things that are actually happening in the dismissible voidance mind that they often won't tell you foreign. The first thing you really want to understand is that you're dismissive avoidant loved one. It's not like they have this conscious mind experience where they're going, I'm going to express myself but I decided at the last minute here I don't want to and let me just keep that down. It doesn't quite feel safe. They don't realize this is happening, this is subconscious, it's out of their conscious mind awareness. These things are happening on autopilot without them actually creating, critically thinking about it instead. It's just like a response that's, that's taking place without their conscious mind's real input. If anything, when I go through this video here, it's like these are things the DA doesn't want you to know. But on one level, if they weren't afraid of being seen and known and if they weren't afraid of their own vulnerabilities, it would actually be something they would need you to know because it's something that can be really helpful and a relationship. And on some level dismissive avoidance long for understanding. They want to be understood and accepted as they are. So anyways, that's almost like bonus number four. But the first one that's really important to know is dismissive avoidance do have feelings, they do feel a lot, they just don't express their feelings outwardly and they are likely to repress feelings more. I've had hundreds if not thousands of one to one conversations with dismissive avoidance for the client practice I ran for the better part of a decade. And in that experience I saw time and time and time again that a dismissive avoidant was still feeling their fears, feeling sadness, missing a partner, caring about them, feeling love. But it was something that they were afraid to even bring up to the conscious mind surface. And it was something that they were kind of busy trying to stuff down because just within that feeling or set of feelings there was also fear associated and this is what I mean on this channel when I talk about DAs being in their feelings minus their fears. It's like their feelings can kick off their fears. And so they do feel, they feel what the other attachment styles are feeling. I would say sometimes a slightly more muted response by comparison, like 80% of what an FA tends to feel because they tend to have their feelings magnified and they really live in those feelings. And same with APS as a general rule. But it's not that DAs don't even have the capacity to feel those things, it's their automatic coping mechanism is to try to push those things down or to try to avoid them. And so they often live in a state of doing. Like if you watch a dismissible avoidant closely, they are often escaping into things all the time. They may escape into their phone, into social media, into text messages, into a TV show, into a video game, one thing after another. And it's all basically a self avoidance mechanism. And it's they're escaping from their own feelings and emotions. So it's not that those aren't there, it's that they're coping quite consistently and avoiding and trying to repress and compartmentalize. And so they may be a little more skilled at that perhaps than other attachment styles when others are triggered because that's their way of coping is to push down, not to have that information flow up. But really that secret number one is that they do feel, they feel so much, they have all those feelings there. I know it may seem like they don't from time to time, but that really couldn't be further from the truth. It's just the expression of them and their coping mechanisms around them are slightly different. Number two, dismissive avoidance are very, very sensitive to criticism. I've talked about this on this channel before. The way I like to think of this as an analogy and I want to really like highlight this because of how valuable it is to know this and to understand it deeply. An analogy would be if I come to you and in your bank account you have $20 and I say I need to borrow 25 and put you in overdraft. That's really scary. That feels a lot worse than if I come to you and say, hey, I need to borrow $25, but you have $10,000 in your bank account. Right? There's a big difference. The way I like to think of the dismissal avoidant when it comes to criticism is it's like their emotional bank account is constantly running on empty. And so when they have something that has a negative response, like criticism. It like, puts them in overdraft. They're already running on empty so much emotionally and really trying to repress and disconnect from an. Avoid so many of their own feelings that when somebody then comes along, especially in relationships, that brings out some sort of negative comment or criticism towards them, it. It stings so deeply and lands so deeply because they're already not having a lot of nurturing that they're coming from. So this is really important. And you know, I really want to highlight. And I just. I'm going to make probably a whole separate video about this, but I really can't stress enough that behind every criticism we just have a need that hasn't been expressed. If you say to somebody, you never do the dishes, okay, well, you need support around the house. You need somebody to help you do the dishes. If you say to somebody, you never spend time with me, okay, you need more quality time. Like, if you can unpack your own criticisms towards anybody in your life, you'll see that we can actually just flip that and convert that into a need we can express in the positive form. And that's going to go a very, very long way in constructive communication in a relationship. I have a whole course about that, by the way, and how to flip it. And it's all. It's got a whole bunch of scripts for. For communication. You can actually print off the scripts. You can check it out for free for seven days using the link in the description box below. But with that, you can actually print off this, like, whole workbook of like, as an ap, if you're having this issue, here's how to communicate and gives you all these examples. You can, um. And we talk about the different key points to communication. It's called our communication Scripts course inside pds. And then number three, another really big thing that's important to know is that dismissive avoidants are afraid to communicate through their words. And on some level they feel like they can't do it. They feel like I'm not able to do that. I can't have that conversation. And it's not that they critically analyze it again. It's that subconsciously they have so many fears tied to communication because they have such a history of being rejected when they did have a need or they did try to communicate in their childhood or upbring. Like let's say for example, that you come home from school and you had a bad day and you're a little kid and you're like, hey, I had a bad day. Or you want to express it, you might have a parent say, like, oh, don't be a baby. Like, get over it. You're going to be fine. Or if you're not feeling well, you might have a parent that's just like, get over it. We all get sick sometimes. And it's like there's justice inherent when you need. When you want to reach out for support, for love, for connection, for your needs to be met. There's enough consistent rejection in some form or even shaming or neglect that you just learn, like, okay, I can't get my needs met from other people. It won't work. So you have this automatic subconscious block that comes up. So when you want to communicate through words or want to do these different things, the DA is like, it's like they have this need to do it. And right away, as soon as that need is triggered, it's like that. Those stored associations emotionally are then triggered next to it that say, no, we can't do that. Nope, that's bad. And then we push it back down. This can be something that like a DA longs to do. They want to be understood. They want somebody to kind of understand their inside world, but it just feels like it's not possible. And those subconscious barriers and blocks. Blocks are really. What are they blocking them? I hope this makes sense. Three big secrets. They might really empower your relationship, especially if you have conversations about these things with a dismissive, avoidant loved one or if you are a DA listening to this to really help you dig into some. Some of that understanding of your own subconscious mind and what might be going on on some level as well. So thank you so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed this video. Please subscribe to this channel if you enjoy this content and I will see you in the next video.

Summary4 min read

Podcast Summary: The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: If You Could Read an Avoidant’s Mind, THIS Is the First Thing You’d See
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: August 7, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson dives deep into the inner world of the "Dismissive Avoidant" (DA) attachment style. Drawing on over 14 years of hands-on experience, Thais shares the three most important insights into how DAs truly feel and function beneath the surface, debunking the myth that avoidant types are emotionally detached or unaffected. Listeners will discover how these subconscious processes affect relationships—and what DAs most wish their loved ones understood.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dismissive Avoidants Do Have Deep Feelings (00:50)

Misconception: DAs appear unfeeling or emotionally numb.
Reality: They feel sadness, fear, love, and care, but work hard to repress or avoid these feelings.
Insight:
- Their coping mechanism involves pushing emotions down—sometimes so thoroughly it's outside conscious awareness.
- Their emotional experience can be almost as profound as other attachment styles, though expression is muted.
- Regularly escape into activities (phone, social media, TV, games) as a way to avoid confronting feelings.
Quote:

“It’s not that those [feelings] aren’t there, it’s that they’re coping quite consistently and avoiding and trying to repress and compartmentalize.” — Thais Gibson (02:55)
Recommended Action: Recognize that a lack of expression ≠ a lack of feeling.

2. Extreme Sensitivity to Criticism (06:16)

Analogy: An emotional bank account running on empty—criticism puts DAs into “overdraft.”
Underlying Issue: Years of repressing or avoiding their own feelings leaves them emotionally undernourished. Criticism, even meant constructively, hits much harder.
Constructive Communication Tip:
- Criticism often masks unmet needs.
- Flip criticism into a needs-based request for more positive communication.
  - E.g., “You never spend time with me” → “I’d love to spend more quality time together.”
Quote:

“The way I like to think of the dismissive avoidant when it comes to criticism is it’s like their emotional bank account is constantly running on empty.” — Thais Gibson (06:27)
Tool for Listeners: Thais mentions a course with communication scripts for flipping criticisms into requests.

3. Fear and Inhibition Around Communicating Needs (11:13)

Key Point: DAs are often afraid (not consciously, but subconsciously) to communicate through words.
Root Causes:
- History of rejection in childhood when expressing needs (“Don’t be a baby,” “Get over it” responses).
- Emotional associations of shame or futility around expressing needs.
- Automatic blocks or shut-downs occur when the urge to communicate appears.
Result: DAs avoid verbalizing needs, which can sadly reinforce their isolation and prevent deeper connection.
Quote:

“On some level, [dismissive avoidants] feel like they can’t do it…subconsciously they have so many fears tied to communication because they have such a history of being rejected…” — Thais Gibson (11:40)
Empathy Takeaway: DAs often want to be understood and to express themselves, but subconscious barriers make it feel impossible.

Notable Quotes & Moments

Feelings and Coping:

“They do feel, they feel what the other attachment styles are feeling…I know it may seem like they don’t from time to time, but that really couldn’t be further from the truth.” — Thais Gibson (03:32)
Sensitivity to Criticism:

“Behind every criticism we just have a need that hasn’t been expressed.” — Thais Gibson (07:06)
Describing the Deep Need for Understanding:

“If they weren’t afraid of being seen and known…[it] would actually be something they would need you to know because it’s something that can be really helpful in a relationship.” — Thais Gibson (01:42)

Timestamps for Important Segments

00:50 — Dismissive Avoidants do have feelings (and how they cope)
06:16 — Sensitivity to criticism & the “emotional bank account” analogy
07:35 — How to flip criticism into needs-based requests
11:13 — DA’s fear of verbalizing needs & roots in childhood experiences

Summary Flow and Usefulness

This episode is an essential listen for anyone trying to understand a dismissive avoidant partner, friend, or family member—or for DAs seeking deeper self-understanding. Thais Gibson balances empathy and practicality, blending client stories, clear analogies, and actionable communication advice. Her tone is encouraging, gentle, and deeply informed by clinical experience, making complex inner workings of dismissive avoidants accessible and relatable.

Action Steps & Takeaways

Remember: DAs do feel; expression and coping, not experience, is different.
View criticism as a window into unmet needs—flip your language to communicate constructively.
Understand the roots of communication blocks in DAs and offer patience and nonjudgmental support.
For further help, Thais recommends her “Communication Scripts” course for transforming relational dialogues.

Loading summary

Transcript1 lines

[00:00]
A
Dismissive avoidants are so hard to read. But have you ever wondered what's actually going on in their mind behind the scenes? Well, as somebody who spent the last 14 years working with all attachment styles, but definitely having about 15, 20% of those people be dismissive avoidant, I can tell you that I've seen the inside of their world so many times over. And in today's video I'm going to break down some brutal truths. I'm going to share with you all of the things that are actually happening in the dismissible voidance mind that they often won't tell you foreign. The first thing you really want to understand is that you're dismissive avoidant loved one. It's not like they have this conscious mind experience where they're going, I'm going to express myself but I decided at the last minute here I don't want to and let me just keep that down. It doesn't quite feel safe. They don't realize this is happening, this is subconscious, it's out of their conscious mind awareness. These things are happening on autopilot without them actually creating, critically thinking about it instead. It's just like a response that's, that's taking place without their conscious mind's real input. If anything, when I go through this video here, it's like these are things the DA doesn't want you to know. But on one level, if they weren't afraid of being seen and known and if they weren't afraid of their own vulnerabilities, it would actually be something they would need you to know because it's something that can be really helpful and a relationship. And on some level dismissive avoidance long for understanding. They want to be understood and accepted as they are. So anyways, that's almost like bonus number four. But the first one that's really important to know is dismissive avoidance do have feelings, they do feel a lot, they just don't express their feelings outwardly and they are likely to repress feelings more. I've had hundreds if not thousands of one to one conversations with dismissive avoidance for the client practice I ran for the better part of a decade. And in that experience I saw time and time and time again that a dismissive avoidant was still feeling their fears, feeling sadness, missing a partner, caring about them, feeling love. But it was something that they were afraid to even bring up to the conscious mind surface. And it was something that they were kind of busy trying to stuff down because just within that feeling or set of feelings there was also fear associated and this is what I mean on this channel when I talk about DAs being in their feelings minus their fears. It's like their feelings can kick off their fears. And so they do feel, they feel what the other attachment styles are feeling. I would say sometimes a slightly more muted response by comparison, like 80% of what an FA tends to feel because they tend to have their feelings magnified and they really live in those feelings. And same with APS as a general rule. But it's not that DAs don't even have the capacity to feel those things, it's their automatic coping mechanism is to try to push those things down or to try to avoid them. And so they often live in a state of doing. Like if you watch a dismissible avoidant closely, they are often escaping into things all the time. They may escape into their phone, into social media, into text messages, into a TV show, into a video game, one thing after another. And it's all basically a self avoidance mechanism. And it's they're escaping from their own feelings and emotions. So it's not that those aren't there, it's that they're coping quite consistently and avoiding and trying to repress and compartmentalize. And so they may be a little more skilled at that perhaps than other attachment styles when others are triggered because that's their way of coping is to push down, not to have that information flow up. But really that secret number one is that they do feel, they feel so much, they have all those feelings there. I know it may seem like they don't from time to time, but that really couldn't be further from the truth. It's just the expression of them and their coping mechanisms around them are slightly different. Number two, dismissive avoidance are very, very sensitive to criticism. I've talked about this on this channel before. The way I like to think of this as an analogy and I want to really like highlight this because of how valuable it is to know this and to understand it deeply. An analogy would be if I come to you and in your bank account you have $20 and I say I need to borrow 25 and put you in overdraft. That's really scary. That feels a lot worse than if I come to you and say, hey, I need to borrow $25, but you have $10,000 in your bank account. Right? There's a big difference. The way I like to think of the dismissal avoidant when it comes to criticism is it's like their emotional bank account is constantly running on empty. And so when they have something that has a negative response, like criticism. It like, puts them in overdraft. They're already running on empty so much emotionally and really trying to repress and disconnect from an. Avoid so many of their own feelings that when somebody then comes along, especially in relationships, that brings out some sort of negative comment or criticism towards them, it. It stings so deeply and lands so deeply because they're already not having a lot of nurturing that they're coming from. So this is really important. And you know, I really want to highlight. And I just. I'm going to make probably a whole separate video about this, but I really can't stress enough that behind every criticism we just have a need that hasn't been expressed. If you say to somebody, you never do the dishes, okay, well, you need support around the house. You need somebody to help you do the dishes. If you say to somebody, you never spend time with me, okay, you need more quality time. Like, if you can unpack your own criticisms towards anybody in your life, you'll see that we can actually just flip that and convert that into a need we can express in the positive form. And that's going to go a very, very long way in constructive communication in a relationship. I have a whole course about that, by the way, and how to flip it. And it's all. It's got a whole bunch of scripts for. For communication. You can actually print off the scripts. You can check it out for free for seven days using the link in the description box below. But with that, you can actually print off this, like, whole workbook of like, as an ap, if you're having this issue, here's how to communicate and gives you all these examples. You can, um. And we talk about the different key points to communication. It's called our communication Scripts course inside pds. And then number three, another really big thing that's important to know is that dismissive avoidants are afraid to communicate through their words. And on some level they feel like they can't do it. They feel like I'm not able to do that. I can't have that conversation. And it's not that they critically analyze it again. It's that subconsciously they have so many fears tied to communication because they have such a history of being rejected when they did have a need or they did try to communicate in their childhood or upbring. Like let's say for example, that you come home from school and you had a bad day and you're a little kid and you're like, hey, I had a bad day. Or you want to express it, you might have a parent say, like, oh, don't be a baby. Like, get over it. You're going to be fine. Or if you're not feeling well, you might have a parent that's just like, get over it. We all get sick sometimes. And it's like there's justice inherent when you need. When you want to reach out for support, for love, for connection, for your needs to be met. There's enough consistent rejection in some form or even shaming or neglect that you just learn, like, okay, I can't get my needs met from other people. It won't work. So you have this automatic subconscious block that comes up. So when you want to communicate through words or want to do these different things, the DA is like, it's like they have this need to do it. And right away, as soon as that need is triggered, it's like that. Those stored associations emotionally are then triggered next to it that say, no, we can't do that. Nope, that's bad. And then we push it back down. This can be something that like a DA longs to do. They want to be understood. They want somebody to kind of understand their inside world, but it just feels like it's not possible. And those subconscious barriers and blocks. Blocks are really. What are they blocking them? I hope this makes sense. Three big secrets. They might really empower your relationship, especially if you have conversations about these things with a dismissive, avoidant loved one or if you are a DA listening to this to really help you dig into some. Some of that understanding of your own subconscious mind and what might be going on on some level as well. So thank you so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed this video. Please subscribe to this channel if you enjoy this content and I will see you in the next video.