Podcast Summary: "Is the Avoidant Discarding You or Is This Normal?"

The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: December 26, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson tackles a painful and confusing relationship dynamic: when someone you care about, especially with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, suddenly pulls away. Gibson helps listeners determine whether this distancing is simply normal avoidant behavior or a true "discard"—when the avoidant partner is cutting ties for good. Through neuroscience, psychology, and practical steps, Thais guides listeners to clarity, self-honoring boundaries, and empowered next steps for their own healing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Understanding the Dismissive Avoidant "Discard"

• The problem:
  When a partner pulls away, it can feel like rejection or abandonment. Gibson addresses how to differentiate between typical avoidant behavior and an impending "discard"—and what you can do to protect yourself.

• Attachment insight:
  Dismissive avoidants are often uncomfortable with emotional closeness and vulnerability, leading them to retreat or push away partners as a form of self-protection.

Four High-Level Signs of a Potential Discard

1. Emotional Shutdown

   • Details:
     While dismissive avoidants are generally less emotionally expressive, early in a relationship they may show curiosity, ask questions, and engage. A notable shift in this curiosity or a deepening withdrawal can be a warning sign.
     • Quote [02:10]:
       "When a dismissive avoidant is interested... they'll actually tend to ask you meaningful questions about yourself... If this suddenly changes... these are signs that hey, this person may be on their way out." — Thais Gibson

2. Devaluing Behaviors or Comments (“Flaw Finding” / Subtle Criticism)

   • Details:
     Right before a potential breakup or “discard”, dismissive avoidants often begin to find flaws in their partner or relationship. This is less about actual problems, and more about creating psychological distance or justifying their discomfort.
     • Quote [04:10]:
       "When a dismissive avoidant feels too close... they start trying to look for all the reasons that that person is not the right fit... it's not really the most fair thing to the person on the receiving end." — Thais Gibson
   • Example behaviors: Subtle criticism, claims that the relationship “won’t work anyway,” highlighting differences, or asserting you're “asking for too much.”

3. Replacing Intimacy with “Creature Comforts”

   • Details:
     Instead of seeking soothing from people or their partner, avoidants often seek comfort in things—work, hobbies, personal projects, or even new friendships. A sudden uptick in this behavior—detachment and focus on hobbies or tasks—signals emotional retreat.
     • Quote [16:27]:
       "You'll start to see a big uptick where they're clearly starting to try to focus their attention and energy on things other than the relationship more than usual." — Thais Gibson

4. Major Shift in Communication (The “Biggest Sign”)

   • Details:
     The most significant warning: communication dries up. If daily contact ceases or there's a drastic reduction in messages without explanation, this may indicate the avoidant is already mentally “gone.”
     • Quote [47:03]:
       "If you're seeing that you used to communicate every day... and all of a sudden there's a couple days in a row...you're not hearing from them... that could be one of the most major signs." — Thais Gibson

Neuroscientific & Psychological Explanations

• Hand-Holding Study—Emotional closeness reduces stress:
  2006 University of Virginia study (James Coan) showed that hand-holding and emotional connection reduces cortisol (stress) in the brain. When avoidants withdraw, it provokes the opposite: increased stress and dysregulation for their partners.

  • Quote [22:00]:
    "When dismissive avoidants are constantly cutting off emotional closeness... this actually creates elevated cortisol in the brain."

• Oxytocin Study—Bonding and Attachment:
  2017 research (Ruth Feldman) revealed that behaviors like eye contact and affection regulate attachment via oxytocin (the bonding hormone). Avoidant withdrawal reduces oxytocin, leading to a sense of abandonment for their partner.

  • Quote [25:04]:
    "Absence of oxytocin reinforcement... leaves partners feeling abandoned. This is actually happening neurochemically to you."

• Emotional Validation:
  Thais normalizes and validates emotional distress in response to an avoidant partner’s withdrawal, emphasizing it’s a brain and body response—not a failing on the listener's part.

  • Quote [26:40]:
    "It's okay to feel really uncomfortable right now. It's okay to feel a little bit scared or stressed or not really know what's going on."

Empowered Action Steps

Interrupt Self-Blame and Old Narratives

• Pattern Interrupt:
  Use neuro-linguistic programming to pause the cycle of self-blame (“I’m not good enough”), by saying “cancel, cancel” and then logically reframing the thought: Is this really about my worth, or about the other person’s availability?
  • Quote [29:09]:
    "If you do see this...say 'cancel, cancel.' And I want you to reframe to reality."

Communicate Boundaries and Needs

• Be Clear and Specific:
  When setting boundaries or expressing needs to an avoidant partner, be concrete ("I need us to have a date night this weekend" instead of vague requests like "more time together"). Ambiguity doesn’t land.

  • Quote [34:03]:
    "You have to be really clear and specific... Put yourself in a win-win scenario this way..."

• The Two-Path Approach:

  • Path 1: People-please and self-silence—leads to inevitable discard.
  • Path 2: Set boundaries and communicate—gives the relationship a chance, or brings clarity to move on.

Guarding Your Heart

• Self-Protection with Wisdom:

  • Quote [40:01]:
    "Guard your heart above all else... You are the only person at the end of the day that is going to be able to truly guard your heart, show up for yourself, have your own back."

• Don’t Cling to Outcomes:

  • Quote [42:15]:
    "You only lose what you cling to. If you're clinging so hard to an outcome, you are putting your focus and energy in the wrong places."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "When a dismissive avoidant feels too close...they start trying to look for all the reasons that that person is not the right fit for them...it's less about you...and more about them making mountains out of molehills as a way to convince themselves they'd be okay without you." — Thais Gibson [04:10]

• "This is actually happening neurochemically to you." — Thais Gibson [25:04]

• “If you do see this, say 'cancel, cancel.' And I want you to reframe to reality...” — Thais Gibson [29:09]

• "Guard your heart above all else...You are the only person at the end of the day that is going to be able to truly guard your heart, show up for yourself, have your own back." — Thais Gibson [40:01]

• “You only lose what you cling to.” — Thais Gibson, quoting the Buddha [42:15]

• "If you're seeing that you used to communicate every day...and all of a sudden there's a couple days in a row...you're not hearing from them...that could be one of the most major signs." — Thais Gibson [47:03]

Structure & Flow of the Episode

[00:00] Introduction to the Problem

• Defining whether avoidant retreat is a discard or typical behavior.

[02:00–16:30] The Four Warning Signs

• Emotional withdrawal, criticism, reliance on comfort “things,” and drop-off in communication.

[22:00–26:40] Neuroscience of Connection and Withdrawal

• Studies on cortisol, oxytocin, and their implications for attachment relationships.

[29:00–35:00] Shifting Self-Talk and Practical Tools

• How listeners can use pattern interrupts and logic to avoid unhelpful self-blame.

[34:00–42:00] Communicating Boundaries and What to Do

• Concrete ways to protect oneself, ask for needs, and evaluate partner receptiveness.

[40:00–43:00] Guarding Your Heart and Detachment

• Emphasizing healthy self-protection and not over-attaching to outcomes.

[47:00] The Ultimate Sign and Closing Hope

• Communication drop-off as the key indicator; encouraging listeners to honor their truth and self-worth.

Takeaways for Listeners

• Emotional withdrawal by a dismissive avoidant partner can stem from their own discomfort and is not a reflection of your worth.
• Notice patterns and use early signs to protect yourself rather than blaming yourself.
• Clearly state your needs and boundaries; this serves you no matter the outcome.
• Guard your heart wisely and focus your energy on what you can control.
• Use this knowledge and these skills to heal and set up healthier relationships in the future.

For anyone confused or hurt by an avoidant partner’s behavior, this episode offers both clarity and compassionate empowerment.