Shocking Signs An Avoidant Is About to Leave & How to Protect Yourself - The Thais Gibson Podcast

The Thais Gibson Podcast
Episode: Shocking Signs An Avoidant Is About to Leave & How to Protect Yourself
Date: March 11, 2026
Host: Thais Gibson

Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores how to identify whether a dismissive avoidant partner is actually ready to change, and what “doing the work” really looks like. She demystifies healthy and unhealthy signs in avoidant partners, provides actionable advice for protecting yourself, and empowers listeners to evaluate not just their partner’s potential but the real behaviors in the relationship.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Importance of Action Over Intention

Behavior vs. Promises:
- Thais stresses that wanting to do the work (“I’ll read that book one day, I’ll go to therapy one day”) is not the same as actually doing it.
- Quote:
  
  “Somebody doing the work actually has to exist in their behavior, not their desires.” (03:05)
- She emphasizes that only actions create meaningful change, not hopeful promises or intentions.
Subconscious Mind’s Role:
- The majority (95–97%) of our behaviors are driven by our subconscious and unconscious minds, not our momentary intentions.

2. Green Flags vs. Red Flags in Avoidant Partners

Green Flags:
- The avoidant partner is proactively learning, reading, or practicing vulnerability and better communication.
- They can reflect on their patterns and report specific actions they’re taking.
- Quote:
  
  “If you see somebody doing things in their behaviors, that’s going to be the most important thing.” (06:27)
Red Flags:
- The avoidant only talks about change without actual evidence.
- Quote:
  
  "If somebody was like, ‘I would like to,’ but they’re not already doing anything, that’s a really big red flag. That’s going to stay a red flag.” (04:50)
Perfection Isn’t Required:
- Imperfection is natural, but ongoing effort and growth are what matter.

3. Signs Your Avoidant Partner is Actually Doing the Work (08:30)

Thais lists the main behavioral indicators to look for:

Practicing vulnerability
Being present
Becoming aware of their own emotions
Communicating more instead of withdrawing
Accountability for their role in conflicts
Willingness to compromise and co-regulate

“If you see things that indicate the needle is moving, those are the most important things.” (07:50)

4. Recognizing & Addressing Core Wounds

Repetitive Triggers:
- If you notice you get triggered by the same fears (abandonment, control, etc.) in multiple types of relationships, unresolved core wounds may be driving these patterns.
Impact on Life:
- Left unresolved, these core wounds become the “glass ceilings” you keep hitting, not just in romance but in all relationships and even career.
Hope for Change:
- These patterns are changeable, with awareness and practical steps.

5. Don’t Date Someone's Potential (13:10)

Danger of ‘The Fantasy’:
- Thais warns against being attached to an idealized version of your partner rather than their actual, current behaviors.
- Quote:
  
  “Dating somebody’s potential looks like you being in a position where you’re more connected to the fantasy of the person and how they could be rather than what they are actually doing.” (13:10)
Self-Check Questions:
- On a scale of 1–10, ask yourself how heard and met your needs feel in the relationship.
- Pay attention to how the relationship feels in your body (anxious, safe, walking on eggshells).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Accountability:

“Are you the type of personality that’s going to reflect and introspect and be accountable and want to grow and be taking action?” (05:15)
On Realistic Expectations:

"Nobody’s going to come with like the perfect patterns to bring into a relationship.” (05:00)
On Core Wounds and Triggers:

“If you do not resolve them, you will feel stuck and you will feel like you are repeating the same types of dramatic patterns in your life, not knowing how to get out of them or find a solution.” (10:30)

Timestamps for Key Segments

[00:00–03:05] – Introduction & Defining Real Change
[03:05–05:15] – Behavior Versus Promised Change
[05:15–06:27] – Healthy Imperfection and Accountability
[06:27–08:30] – What Action Really Looks Like For Avoidants
[08:30–10:30] – Core Wounds: How Repeated Triggers Manifest
[13:10–14:55] – Dangers of Dating Someone’s Potential, Self-Check Questions

Tone & Advice

Thais maintains a compassionate, practical, and empowering tone throughout, encouraging listeners to focus on evidence, not fantasy, and to take responsibility for their own growth as well. She de-stigmatizes insecure attachment but stresses that true relationship health comes from consistent, observable change.

Summary Takeaway:
Don’t get caught up in your partner’s potential or promises of change—watch for actual behaviors that indicate growth. If you notice red flags with no progress, it’s a “big deal.” Use self-reflection to gauge your own feelings and needs, and remember, real transformation begins at the subconscious level and is reflected in daily actions, not distant aspirations.

Transcript

A (0:00)

So you or somebody you know and love are dating a dismissive avoidant. Should you say or should you go, I'm going to break down the differences for you. In fact, I'm going to cover four things that you really want to look out for on both the healthy and unhealthy side, so that you know what you should be doing in this particular situation. And if you're new to this channel, hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson. I'm so happy you stopped by. And I put daily videos out on this channel about personal development, the subconscious mind, how we can heal and take responsibility for our own patterns so that we can then build the best relationships of our life, starting with the relationship to ourselves. And I'm going to tell you, as somebody who worked in private practice for years before ever moving into the online space, the number one thing that I would look out for when I would first meet a new client or see a new couple. I don't care what their. Their attachment styles are. I don't care how much wounding or trauma they have. The number one thing I looked for is are they willing to do the work? Are they in a position where they're gonna be accountable for how they're showing up or what their unhealthy patterns are in a relationship. And can we move the needle on those things? Are they willing to be accountable and then actually do the rewiring work? So what I wanna do is I wanna break down how to tell whether or not a dismissive avoidant is ready to do the work so that you know how to best proceed and what that work should look like. Because I'll tell you one thing, somebody saying they would like to do the work or they would like to be accountable one day or they will read that book one day future, or maybe one day they will go to therapy or counseling. Those things do not constitute. Okay, so we're going to talk about the differences between what does and what does not. Here's your first point, which is that somebody doing the work actually has to exist in their behavior, not their desires. And what I mean by this is our conscious mind is responsible for 3 to 5% of all of our beliefs, our thoughts, our emotions, our actions. Your subconscious and unconscious collectively are 95 to 97%. Your conscious mind is the part of you that says, oh, I would like to earn more money. I would like to heal my patterns. I would like to be a better partner. I would like to quit eating chocolate as my New Year's resolution. I would like to. We Say all these things that we would like to do, but they are just conscious mind desires. What matters is what's in people's behaviors. These are things that are already partaking in. They're more likely to get ingrained at the subconscious level, especially if they are already regular and habitual. So I'll tell you, if you were dating somebody and they were like, yeah, I might be a dismissive avoidant attachment cell, but I am actively reading about this, learning about this, practicing being more vulnerable, practicing coming out of my shell and communicating differently. And if you saw these things, I would call those things green flags. You're not going to get this, like perfect cardboard cutout partner in many types of cases and situations. In fact, so often we're so quick to run at the first sign of a red flag. Red flags should be addressed. They should be spok head on. If somebody has a red flag in a relationship dynamic, you should be like, well, what does this mean? So if I thought that somebody had an insecure attachment style and I was dating them, what I would do is figure out, well, it's okay. It's okay to be insecurely attached. I was once insecurely attached. That's an okay thing. But what are you doing about it? Are you being accountable? Are you doing the work? And if somebody was like, I would like to, but they're not already doing anything, that's a really big red flag. That's going to stay a red flag. If somebody says, yeah, I might be insecurely attached, but I've been working on this. Here are the three things I've been doing for the past few months and will continue to. And they've already seen progress in their own life. That's a green flag. That's the type of person or personality who's going to work on things and self reflect and introspect and be accountable. Those are good things. And it's okay for people to be imperfect. Okay? So that's number one, it's a really big deal. And honestly, that applies across all attachment cells. Human beings are going to be human beings. Nobody's going to come with like the perfect patterns to bring into a relationship. So are we the type of person? Are you the type of personality that's going to reflect and introspect and be accountable and want to grow and be taking action? Okay. Number two thing to look out for is that not everybody's actions look the same. So I will say this. Sometimes, you know, somebody's action is very clear. It's very obvious they are Taking the online courses, they're doing the work, they are in counseling, they're in therapy, they're meeting with somebody weekly. You know, these can be like a first step, okay? And that's obvious and that's great. But sometimes what you'll see is for dismissive avoidance. Their way of doing the work is not necessarily to only go to counseling or therapy. It can be that they may, you know, be reading about this, educating themselves, and then recognizing their patterns and working to change them. So for example, if you're dating somebody and you're like, well, are you willing to have hard conversations? And they're like, yeah, I am. Like, is there anything you want to talk about? Let's hear it. And they're able to be present and listen and they're trying to communicate more vulnerably and they're trying to share their inner world more and they're trying to compromise better and co regulate better. Like if you see somebody doing things in their behaviors, that's going to be the most important thing because people can also go to, you know, see a therapist. That kind of sucks. That isn't the greatest sometimes. We don't always have the best scenario, best case scenarios with all of those types of outcomes. So what you want to see is like, does this person know what's holding them back and are they working on those very specific things? And it doesn't always just have to be a course or, or therapy or a book. It can be that like they're willing to have those hard conversations, they've done the research and they're pushing themselves out of their shell. As long as you see things that indicate the needle is moving. And this brings me to point number three. Here are the main things you're going to be looking for. Number one, the person is practicing vulnerability. Number two, they're practicing being present. Number three, they're starting to notice more of their own emotions. Number four, they are communicating more rather than wanting to flip, flee or stonewall if there is some sort of conflict in a situation. Number five, they're being accountable. Okay? So they're able to own their part, see their stuff, evaluate and recognize their own patterns in a relationship. Number six, this person is actually willing to compromise. Hear where you're coming from, look out for you and your needs and try to co regulate. Try to be a listening ear if you're going through something, but also trying to share what's affecting them as well. Those are some really good signs to look for. Do you constantly get triggered by the same things? No. Matter what kind of relationship you're in. Maybe you get afraid of being abandoned in a friendship, but also in a romantic relationship, or maybe you're always fearing that people will trap or try to control you. In any kind of relationship dynamic, but especially in romantic relationships, if this sounds like you, chances are core wounds are kind of causing a lot of destruction to your life. You may not be consciously aware of them, but they are probably running the show at the subconscious level of mind, which by the way, is responsible for 95% or more of all of your beliefs and thoughts and emotions, emotions and actions. And in fact, these unresolved triggers will be the glass ceilings that you experience time and time again in all of your relationships. And they'll even pull into multiple other areas of life, like into your career. If you do not resolve them, you will feel stuck and you will feel like you are repeating the same types of dramatic patterns in your life, not knowing how to get out of them or find a solution. But these are very solvable problems. And that's why today I'm sharing with you a free gift that you can literally claim below. You can take a seven day free trial to the Personal development school, and along with that, you get to keep our core wounds bundle for life. This will literally take you through so many different core wounds, help you understand where core wounds come from, how they affect us, and then how, most importantly, to rewire them. These are examples of some of the online classes that we teach and I can't wait to share this with you so that you can really start understanding your internal world and how to massively change in a way that allows you to build the best relationships of your life, starting with yourself. The last major thing to look out for is you want to make sure that you are not dating somebody's potential. Dating somebody's potential looks like you being in a position where you're more connected to the fantasy of the person and how they could be rather than what they are actually doing. So I think it's very important if you're dating somebody to ask yourself from 1 to 10, how much do I feel like my feelings and needs are heard and met in this relationship? If you're scoring high, that's a great sign. If you're scoring moderately high and you see both progress, great sign. But if you're seeing that, that's very low and you're not seeing much progress. That is something so important to pay attention to. And also you want to be checking in, how does this person make me feel in my body? Do I feel anxious when I'm dating this person all the time? Do I feel like I'm walking on eggshells? I'm not sure of what to do or how to respond? Or do I actually feel like this person is trying to take me into consideration and look out for me and support me and have my back? Because those will create two very different feelings in your body that you should be paying attention to. So I hope this helps you break everything down and makes everything super clear. Thank you for watching. Please, like, share and subscribe to this channel and I will see you next time.