The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: Shocking Surprises Living with a Dismissive Avoidant

Date: November 12, 2025
Host: Thais Gibson
Co-host: Mike Desio

Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson and co-host Mike Desio dive deep into “shocking surprises” that arise when moving in with a dismissive avoidant (DA) partner. Drawing from both professional expertise and personal experience—Thais as a former fearful avoidant, Mike as a former dismissive avoidant—they explore attachment dynamics, practical communication tips, and candid stories about the challenges (and rewards) of sharing a home with a DA. Together, they outline five major hurdles and offer actionable strategies for fostering connection, autonomy, and harmony.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. DAs Carve Out Emotional and Physical Space

• Typical DA Behavior After Moving In:
  DAs often need more space—even retreating to different rooms, which can surprise partners expecting increased closeness.
  • Quote (Mike, 02:44):
    “A DA might almost, like, hide in different spaces or try to carve out space to themselves when you might be thinking, ‘Hey, we should be hanging out together; we live together!’”
• Underlying Fears:
  Anxiety over losing autonomy, fears of being trapped or smothered, and worry about losing time for personal interests (video games, hobbies, etc.).
• Stories & Solutions:
  Thais shares that in her own marriage with a partially DA husband, openly discussing and planning “alone time” and “together time” was essential for both their happiness.
  • Quote (Thais, 07:45):
    “We created really healthy, sustainable habits… two nights a week we hang out together, one night we go for date night, and then we had carved out time for ourselves.”
• Advice:
  Don’t leave these issues on autopilot—explicitly talk about needs for space and togetherness before moving in. Accepting each other’s “recharge” activities (whether video games or reality TV) builds trust.

2. Household Habits & Cleanliness: Different Perceptions & Solutions

• Conflict Over Tidiness:
  Clashing tidiness habits often become immediately apparent. Mike admits to hiding in his second bedroom when he felt criticized for being messy, interpreting it as a personal attack.
  • Quote (Mike, 13:51):
    “Instead of a partnership, it was like the enemy lived in the house with me.”
• Personality Insights:
  Thais references MBTI—“N”s (intuitive types) may literally not see mess, unlike “S”s (sensing types). It’s not always intentional disregard.
• Practical Fix:
  Build shared habits—e.g., “evening tidy time”—and communicate routines/flexibility rather than expecting overnight changes.
  • Quote (Thais, 18:45):
    “Making it clear… gets rid of all of the underlying tension.”

3. Comfort vs. Complacency: DAs and the ‘Roommate Trap’

• Why DAs Can Stop ‘Trying’:
  Once they feel safe, DAs may shift from romantic gestures to routines—staying in, Netflix, and home activities—which feels good to them but can read as complacency.
  • Quote (Mike, 22:24):
    “DA’s equate comfort with love… but they can get kind of complacent and might not take their partner out on dates as often as they used to.”
• Counterpoint:
  Thais urges maintaining intentional “date” activities—even if simple or free—to prevent drifting into autopilot or the “roommate trap.”
• Examples:
  Activities don’t have to be grand: home-cooked meals, walks, games, or pursuing sports together (e.g. Mike and his partner with ultimate frisbee; Thais and her husband with pickleball).

4. The ‘Power Struggle’ Phase & Autonomy Fears

• Initial Regression is Normal:
  DAs may appear to pull away or seem less enthusiastic post-move-in, triggering fears in both partners—but often this is self-protection against anticipated overwhelm.
  • Quote (Mike, 31:49):
    “If they start out too hot, they’re going to burn out… they might be hiding a lot more.”
• The Key: Preemptive Conversation:
  Discuss expectations openly—about space, time together/apart, routines—upfront, not reactively.
  • Quote (Thais, 32:48):
    “Having the conversations in advance makes all the difference. If somebody’s fearing being trapped, it’s because they don’t have things mapped out.”
• Practical Example:
  Mike notes the value of simply stating, “I just need 20 minutes to decompress after a social event” to prevent misunderstanding.
  • Quote (Mike, 34:58):
    “‘Hey, I just need 20-30 minutes to come back to myself and then we’ll hang out.’ Of course she’s totally fine with it.”

5. Conflict Avoidance: The ‘Retreat’ Response in DAs

• How DAs Handle Tension:
  When disagreements arise, DAs may retreat further, reminisce about living alone, and feel regret or panic.
  • Quote (Mike, 43:17):
    “DA’s, obviously, don’t want to have conflict… especially in their home environment, their safe space.”
• Why Addressing Tension Matters:
  Letting issues fester can overwhelm the relationship with unspoken resentments. Open, calm conversations clear the air and restore harmony.
  • Quote (Thais, 45:11):
    “When you learn to do conflict well… it doesn’t mean a fight or argument. It means: ‘Hey, I noticed there’s tension—let’s hash it out; what’s our middle ground?’”
• The Power Struggle Analogy:
  Thais likens cohabitation to a rapid learning curve; initial conflict is normal, but with improved communication and established habits, harmony and true partnership emerge.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 02:44 | Mike | “A DA might almost… hide in different spaces… when you might be thinking, ‘Hey, we should be hanging out together; we live together!’” | | 07:45 | Thais | “We created really healthy, sustainable habits… two nights a week we hang out together, one night we go for date night… and then we had carved out time for ourselves.” | | 13:51 | Mike | “Instead of a partnership, it was like the enemy lived in the house with me… I was hiding in the bedroom a lot.” | | 18:45 | Thais | “Making it clear… gets rid of all of the underlying tension.” | | 22:24 | Mike | “DA's equate comfort with love… but they can get kind of complacent.” | | 32:48 | Thais | “Having the conversations in advance makes all the difference…” | | 34:58 | Mike | “I just need 20-30 minutes to come back to myself… and then we’ll hang out.” | | 43:17 | Mike | “They don’t want to have conflict, especially in their home environment, their safe space…” | | 45:11 | Thais | "When you learn to do conflict well... it doesn't mean a fight or an argument." | | 56:24 | Thais | “If I’m irritated by every rub, how will I ever be polished?” (Rumi) | | 57:45 | Mike | “Your core wounds are acquired in a relationship—so that’s where they’re going to be healed, too.” |

Additional Insights & “Honorable Mentions”

• DAs and Compromise:
  DAs may initially resist changes to “their” space, interpreting efforts to improve or organize as attempts to change them. Partners often mean well, expressing love through acts of service—awareness of these differing perspectives can help avoid misunderstandings.
• Self-Consideration vs. Partner Consideration:
  It may not occur to a dismissive avoidant to offer, e.g., to pick up takeout for both partners. These behaviors are often habitual and not malicious; gentle, clear communication is key.
  • Quote (Mike, 52:05):
    “Now it’s just a very common habit… before, I would get a lot of flack for that—rightfully so.”
• Healing Through Relationship:
  Both hosts stress that romantic partnerships “trigger” unhealed childhood patterns but also provide the context for the deepest growth and healing.
• Living Together Trial:
  Gradually increasing overnight stays and trips before a full move-in can help uncover habits and reduce shock, as suggested by listener feedback.

Actionable Tools & Takeaways

• Pre-Move-In Talks:
  Discuss expectations about space, routines, alone/together time, and household habits.
• Build Habits:
  Regularly scheduled date nights, evening tidying, and alone time should be jointly agreed upon and flexible.
• Communicate Vulnerably:
  Express internal needs—“I need 20 mins to recharge”—and respond respectfully to partner requests.
• Normalize and Celebrate Growth:
  Living together accelerates both personal and relational growth; view challenges as opportunities to “polish” yourselves and each other (Rumi quote).
• Gentle, Non-Shaming Correction:
  Guide a DA to consider you not through blame, but open requests: “It would mean a lot if next time…”
• Honor Healing Process:
  Remember: triggers arise in relationships because that’s where true healing can happen.

Suggested Timestamps for Key Topics

• 02:25: Episode Theme Overview; The “Roommate Trap”
• 05:07: Space Needs—Personal Stories & Strategies
• 13:36: Cleanliness Discrepancies & Habits
• 22:24: Complacency vs. Comfort and Keeping Romance Alive
• 31:03: The DA’s Fears & Power Struggle Stage Explained
• 34:58: Communication for Conflict Prevention & Resolution
• 43:11: Handling Conflict as a DA
• 52:05: Consideration Habits—Learning New Behaviors
• 56:24: Attachment Wounds & The Polishing Process (Rumi)
• 57:45: Healing Old Wounds in Present Partnerships
• 58:28: The Value of a “Trial Run” Before Moving In

Tone and Style

Supportive, candid, and grounded in both psychological theory and lived experience, Thais and Mike speak with empathy, humor, and hope for all kinds of attachment styles—especially those navigating the growing pains of living together for the first time.

For anyone considering moving in with a dismissive avoidant partner, this episode delivers a rich toolbox of insights, practical advice, and reassurance that intentional communication and respect for each other’s differences can transform a potentially bumpy ride into a lasting, harmonious partnership.