← The Thais Gibson Podcast
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Hi, my name is Tygis Gibson, and I'm the co owner and creator of the Personal Development School. In this video, I want to talk to you about the core wounds of the dismissive, avoidant attachment style and how to really understand what these are, where they come from. And the more conscious awareness we bring to these subconscious patterns and process programs, and the deeper of a dive we do to bring clarity to some of the things that are happening and some of the things that we're feeling, the more we make these things into solvable problems. So the idea from this video, and what I want you to take away if you are the dismissive avoidant or the partner of a dismissive avoidant, is that these are parts of your personality in the sense that they are things you're naturally identified with. They're basically programmed into you over time, and they're often the sort of filter that you see the world through. It's like you can imagine the core wounds that we have as being these glasses we put on with a specific lens of a specific color or, you know, things like this, and they shift how we see the world. And this is why, you know, you can have two people who go into a room full of people, and one person feels inspired and excited to make friends, and the other person feels socially anxious. You know, they're in the exact same room with the same people. They have different experiences, even if they don't. You know, they walk up to the room, they don't even interact with people yet. One person might have a positive feeling, another person might have a negative feeling. Because we all have a subconscious reality filter that we interact with the world through. And one major component of this is our core wounds. And these core wounds produce thought patterns. For example, if I believe I'm not good enough, then I might have all these thoughts that are like, I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not interesting enough, etc. Right. The extension of that core wound. And they also produce emotional responses. How do you feel when you're thinking those things? And then they produce coping mechanisms or behaviors. So we want to change these things. We have to become aware of them and understand them and how they impact us. And the more conscious awareness we bring to these things at a subconscious level, it's like, oh, we just realized that we're wearing these glasses and now we can take them off, but if they're right close to your face and you don't realize that they're happening, you don't have space to properly interact with that experience that is happening at that moment. The last thing I will say before I dive into actual, this actual content piece here is while the dismissive avoidance specifically can identify with their wounds, a lot of the dismissive avoidance wounds are like more unconscious instead of subconscious. So they're more related to things that they may not even feel, feel or experience on a day to day basis, but they are coping from. So an example of this is a lot of dismissive avoidance have an unconscious like a deeply subconscious wound that's hard to pull up and get in touch with that says I am abandoned or I will be abandoned. But they build in positive associations to themselves and to like being alone. So at a deeper level they're assuming abandonment and even though. And they're coping from it at all times by keeping to themselves, not getting too close to others because they're assuming this is going to happen long term anyways by developing a really strong relationship to themselves in terms of how they soothe, even though it's not always in a super effective way, it can be like an escapist way. All of that actually comes from a deeper subconscious fear of abandonment as well. But the way they've adapted to that fear and coped through that fear is different than as an example, the anxious, preoccupied individual. So I'm going to touch on a couple of those things that maybe if you are the dismissive avoidant, you won't be like, oh yeah, I feel the fear of that on a regular basis. But if you look more deeply into your behaviors and how you're showing up, you'll realize that they're stemming from these things. Okay, so here are the core wounds themselves. One of the first ones is I will be abandoned. And this comes from emotional neglect. It comes from being a child and coming into the world and being wired for attunement and connection and then having emotionally unavailable caregiver or caregivers. And the result of this is that you feel like you at the deepest level. Part of who you are is your emotions are your needs. And if those things aren't attuned to, there isn't eye contact made, there isn't somebody who has an approach behavior when you cry, who shows up consistently, who talks about your emotions. As you get older and go through behavioral development stages, if you don't have that closeness, then you feel all of these pieces of emotional abandonment. And it feels like a part of you is abandoned because your emotions are a part of you, your needs are a part of you. And so, so as a result, you can Repress the need to get close to others, deeper into sort of the recesses of the subconscious mind, and then cope through these patterns of behavior that try to keep people away. Because you associate at a deeper level that if you let them get too close, you're going to relive those painful experiences in childhood. And so you don't consciously do that. Your subconscious mind is in the act of doing that as a coping mechanism to keep you safe and to not feel so much pain. So there is a really big element to that that is also linked to I am unsafe. And when we are wired for attunement and attachment and closeness, and if part of that feels missing in early childhood, there's a natural core belief that comes up very strongly that I am physically unsafe. Like I can't trust that my caregiver is sticking around because I don't feel a two way attunement from them. And so I don't feel like I can rest. I go into a fight or flight state at a subtle level at a very young age that says I'm not sure if I can trust them to stay because they're not showing up in some way that makes me feel attuned to and thus trustful. And as a result of that, I often feel this need to like, try to keep myself safe even when I'm so young that I don't even know what that means. And because there's this natural part of the child's mind that knows I am dependent on my caregiver for survival, if they don't feel like there's a trust bond built there and an emotional connection there, it feels like I don't know if I'm going to survive. And this is a lot of why we see sometimes dismissive avoidance or if you are the dismissive avoidant watching this, you see dismissive avoidance often have these coping mechanisms where they hoard things, they'll keep a lot of things close to them, they won't want to share. They can be, what's the word? Like protective of their food, you know, their money, their belongings. They're not as generous or giving. And part of that is because there's this basic programming where like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the bottom rung of the ladder, that need for safety wasn't fully met. And so you're still trying to get that through your belongings, your attachments to things. I've often had individuals say like oh, my husband or my wife is more interested in her phone than me, more interested in the boat than me in their truck than me, you know, these different things. And there's an attachment to things that develops because those things are feeling like they're buffering and insulating and keeping safety. So I will be abandoned, is there. It's more unconscious instead of just subconscious. There are positive associations built to the coping mechanisms around that, too, which can make it seem like even though there's a core wound as well, I am alone is actually a wound. But then it's like, oh, well, at least it feels a little bit safer to be alone than it does to have to rely on others and feel rejected or in pain. So these are two deeply subconscious wounds that the dismissible wound does have and shares with the anxious, preoccupied, but they don't hurt over it the same way they actually feel safer around it to a certain degree. So those are core wounds. I am unsafe. And the emotional associations with that are a little bit of panic, fear, agitation, irritation. These are big for the dismissive avoidant, I am defective because that childhood mind can't understand why. Like, they can't understand why is a part of me being rejected. And because children, you know, are very narcissistic in the sense that they personalize everything, and everything feels like it's about them. They don't have a different filter to see the world through at that point in time in terms of their behavioral and brain development. And so if part of you is being rejected or denied consistently, the natural response or imprint of that will be okay. It must be that something's wrong with me. I am defective. And the emotional associations that accompany that are sadness, but especially shame. And it's often this internal shame that the dismissive avoidant carries at such a pervasive level that also makes them want to keep others at bay. Because there's usually this deep wound. And I've had many conversations with many dismissive wardens over the years. There's usually such a deep wound that says, if I let you get too close, you're going to see that I am defective. You're going to see that something's wrong with me. And this isn't a conscious thing. This is something that they feel afraid of and try to protect and think about it. Shame is the emotion when you feel ashamed. You want to hide or run away or escape or withdraw. And because that's so pervasive for the dismissive avoidant, I am defective belief system, and those are part of the glasses or the reality filter they see the world through that obviously colors their interactions. Another big core wound is I am Trapped or stuck, and I am helpless and powerless can be in there as well. A lot of what comes up with those feelings are anxiety, frustration, fear. Again, irritation can be a big one. Also, I'm defective and you're getting too close to me. Irritation can be another big emotion in there as well. It's a large part of the dismissive avoidance, emotional imprinting, I am misunderstood. Dismissal boys often feel so misunderstood because they don't communicate vulnerably. And they tend to communicate indirectly because it feels safer and it feels less vulnerable and it feels less seen. So they're less likely to feel ashamed of themselves. And so a lot of that, just the natural evolution of that is that if, let's pretend I'm dismissive, avoidant, if I'm not communicating clearly who I am, what I need, what I expect, you know, my boundaries, these different things, obviously I'm less likely to be understood by others. And so because it is misavoid and it's so focused on the coping mechanisms that they have to protect themselves, they often don't realize that they're not communicating as clearly as they think they are and as directly and consistently as they think they are, or as vulnerably in a way that's going to get them understood. And so they often feel misunderstood by their friends, family and loved ones as a result of that. And the emotions that accompany I am misunderstood are often sadness, fear, disconnection, need to escape, withdraw, protect, are a lot of the coping mechanisms that come with that as well. I am unseen and unheard can also be part of the dismissal wounds. There are less painful core wounds. The really core wounds are like, I am abandoned, I am alone, I am unsafe, I am defective. Those are the biggest ones. Even though they're really only going to feel more of the I am unsafe and I am defective are the ones that hurt. And these ones are sort of deeper and dealt with differently. Right. And I misunderstood is pretty heavy too. And then another huge one that can be really tough for dismissive avoidance, but specifically in their, like, interactions on a more surface level is I am stupid. And this is something that they don't necessarily think about themselves. A lot of dismissive avoidants have basically insulated themselves and felt safer in the world through their intellectual thoughts, like through learning and growing and all these different things. And so they tend to be very judgmental and harsh and critical of themselves in that area, which can lead to that core wound of if I make a mistake or if I don't know something that other people know they can be really harsh and critical of themselves in that area, thus creating some of those core, some of those core feelings that create that core wound. So these are the major wounds of the dismissive avoidant attachment style. I hope this helps to bring some understanding for those of you who aren't dismissive avoidant. And you know, understanding doesn't have to mean that you violate your boundaries and you make everything okay. That's not okay. It's absolutely up to the dismissal avoidant to do the work and show up and heal themselves and be able to show up healthily in a relationship for healthy interdependence. But I hope this really brings some understanding of the deeper sort of parts of their subconscious mind and some of the things they might be feeling. And if you are the dismissive avoidant, this is a great place to start to have some of this awareness. And then when you see these feelings coming up or these fears coming up, to really start questioning them. Because often, often our mind is in a space where it's like reiterating these things on autopilot and reprojecting them and imagining that they're happening over and over when they may not be like thinking, you know, somebody is getting too close and they are going to see that something's wrong with me and I am defective. But you know, can you really know that? Or was that an imprint that's been rerunning on autopilot for so long that you've accidentally identified it as now a part of yourself and as a result of that, you're feeling these feelings and it's actually based on a wound being triggered more than it is actually about you and who you are and your defectiveness. So I really hope you can find some patience and self connection time for yourself to reprogram these things and question them and, and do some work around them. And hopefully this video has helped bring some awareness to those first steps. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you for watching. 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