← The Thais Gibson Podcast
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Hi, my name is Thais Gibson and I'm the co owner and creator of the Personal Development School. In this video, I'm going to go through the core wounds of the fearful avoidant combined with some of the common feeling imprints that people experience. And the idea of this is to help you become conscious of your subconscious mind. And once we're aware of these wounds, once we're aware of the feelings that tend to accompany them, we can start building a relationship to our emotions and the wounds beneath them. That shows that emotions are feedback mechanisms trying to communicate the subconscious contents to us so that we can do something about it. And I'm really going to do a deep dive with you today into what this actually means and some sort of practical, tangible action steps you can take. So before I dive in, we are still doing a sales to support our community right now during all of the craziness and chaos that's happening in the world. The coupon code is with you all one word. And I'll put a link in the video here so you can access it if you want to join our community. So let's go into some of the big pieces here. Okay. Core wounds are basically like imprints that take place at the subconscious level as a result of trauma. Now, the language of the subconscious mind is that it speaks through emotion and it speaks through symbols. It does not speak through like language and words the way that, you know, your conscious mind does. And your analytical reasoning mind processes information. And so you can think of, you know, and to be really clear, the subconscious mind isn't bad. It isn't. It's the tapes that go into it. It's the imprints that happen in it that can be positive versus negative. But let's imagine for a moment that you have as an analogy like a field, and that field is your subconscious. And then you have little minds planted into this field that are little bombs waiting to go off. Right? And you can sort of think of triggers as being like that. Like the imprint is the planting of the mind. And the imprint happens basically as a result of trauma. And trauma doesn't have to be something that's like so excessive and, you know, this huge accident or a huge death or a loss, a trauma is basically anything that you couldn't properly emotionally process at the time that it happened. And so you let it just get really deeply stored with a lot of emotion attached to it because all memory is colored with emotion. And then you sort of reorganized coping mechanisms around it and you often reproject that it might happen Again, out of fear. So let's just say, for example, that you get made fun of in front of the whole class as a child, let's say, in first grade, and let's say this really imprints you. That could be a trauma if you didn't have somebody help you work through that after or tell you it's nothing serious. And if you really personalized it and felt ashamed because of that event, and if you didn't have proper emotional processing support to equilibrate that wound and all those different things, then chances are you're going to store that. And then anything that reminds you of that, like you have to speak again in front of a class maybe in third grade, two years later, your subconscious mind, out of its duty to try to protect you, is going to reproject the emotions attached to that original wound or mine in your mind field, and it's going to go, oh my gosh, this could happen again. And you'll feel panic and different stressors of emotion. Now, the reason I really want to put this in the context for fearful avoidance here today is because fearful avoidance, generally the attachment style with the most core wounds. You have the core wounds associated with the anxious side of the attachment spectrum. And you have the core wounds associated with the dismissive avoidance side of the attachment spectrum. And then on top of that, you have your own unique individual core wounds, the biggest one being I will be betrayed. Okay, so what I want to show you in this video and what we have in great detail in the intro fearful avoidant attachment cell course inside of the school and the advanced fearful avoidant attachment cell course is this, this equation that helps you basically get in touch with what those wounds are and process them. And I'm not going to go into like all of the background of that equation and how it works and all these different pieces, because I just quite frankly, don't have enough time in a video. But what I want you to be able to recognize is the core wounds and the emotions attached to them. Because if you can do that, instead of suffering when those things happen and going into sort of this autopilot state of responding through your emotions and just feeling all that reactivity and emotional turmoil when you are aware of something ahead of time, when you're consciously aware of these subconscious wounds, when they happen, you're going to have space between them, you're going to have separation from them, and there's going to be a part of you that is much more capable of observing them and doing something that helps you work through, through them. Instead of just reacting through them and being unconscious in the moment that those wounds come up and sort of take over your emotional state. And the example you can think of becoming consciously aware of these subconscious wounds and understanding them is it's sort of like if I tell you, okay, go find something in my house and I want you to, you know, I'm going to keep all the lights off, it's going to be pitch black and I want you to find my keys, you know, you're going to be fumbling around in the dark, having no idea what the house looks like or where anything could be. And you're going to be tripping on things and banging your, you know, stubbing your toes on things. But if you, if I turn all the lights on and I say, go take a tour, go look around, even know where my keys are, see they're on the kitchen sink or, you know, beside the kitchen sink. And then I'm gonna turn the lights off and then I want you to find them. You have intention, you have awareness of what the place looks like, you know, in your mind what's going on ahead of time. You sort of have an idea of like mapped out what's, what the space, space looks like. And this is going to help you to manage more effectively. And the same thing goes for how to recognize these core wounds. If you know what's happening beneath the surface in the dark of your subconscious mind, when this stuff pops up, you're like, oh, I know this, I know what's going to happen. And then it's going to, you're going to be able to take space from it and choose to respond differently. And the awareness and the isolation is always the first step to reprogramming. I'm not going to go into subconscious reprogramming in this video specifically because it's just going to be really long. But I'm going to get you the awareness piece in this video specifically. Okay, so think of these core wounds as being like these minds planted in the subconscious. When they get activated, when something reminds you of them, they get triggered and they blow up a little bit, they ignite and, and there's all that emotional intensity that you experience because you're experiencing the triggering event happening to you in the present, combined with all of that storage of conscious emotion that's now being brought to the surface. Right? So core wounds themselves, these are the biggest ones. Okay, I will be betrayed. Fearful avoidance, because they couldn't trust their caregivers and they adapted through becoming hyper vigilant at a really Root level, it broke down trust. It's like, okay, I can't trust consistency. I can't trust their mood. I can't trust them to, you know, be sober or not sober or whatever circumstances, your environment, how it'll be unique to each individual. But usually there was some element of such strong inconsistency and polarities between the parent and between the parent themselves, whether it's the parent and the parent and there's lots of fighting, or whether it's between the parent and the child. Either way, the child took that on and saw all of the chaos and it broke trust. They couldn't, because trust is based on congruency and consistency and consideration. And so when those things are thrown out the window, because unfortunately, there's probably a caregiver too wounded to be able to effectively provide those things to the child then, or at least consistently enough provide them, then the child adapts by just becoming hyper vigilant and trying to figure out everything for themselves. And this creates a big break or fragmentation essentially in the trust. And because we take our child caregiver relationships and we reproject that relationship on to all of our other relationships. Right. What I often say to people, whatever you thought of your caregivers, you probably think of all authority figures of the world as a whole. Like those ideas and concepts are going to be imprinted. If you feel like you couldn't trust caregivers, you're probably not going to trust most people. If you felt like you could deeply trust caregivers, you're probably going to deeply trust most people, maybe even too much sometimes. And you have to bring. The idea is always balance, right? But that's a side note. So here is the point that we're trying to reach. So I will be betrayed is a big one sometimes. I will be betrayed and I will be abandoned. Go together. And when they do go together, the emotions that you might be experiencing when you feel these things come up are kind of this stinging hurt. And that hurt is sort of covered over with anger and resentment and frustration too, can be in there. And it's sort of this emotional cocktail. Now, this isn't everybody's exact. Like these core wounds are all fearful, avoidant. The emotions that come with them will vary a little bit differently based on people's individual experiences. But these are very common ones. And you might feel that, like stinging hurt when you feel like there's a betrayal or an abandonment sort of in your stomach, your chest, maybe your shoulder area. And it's so important to recognize this because the moment that you have this trigger come up and you can convert this into words. What you've actually done is you've brought your conscious mind online when you're having this subconscious experience. And this gives you space to respond differently than you have in the past, which, for reasons I won't go into in this video, can break the pattern of you further reprogramming this wound into your subconscious through repetition plus emotion firing and wiring over and over again on autopilot, and can actually help you get away from the wound long term. It's always the first, the very first step. So I will be betrayed and abandoned often go together, they can create that stinging, hurt, anger, resentment, and sometimes a little bit of fear or panic in there, too. I'm sure you guys know exactly what I'm talking about, those of you watching this, and this is also a great video watch if you're like the partner of a fearful avoidant and you're trying to understand their internal landscape. And by the way, I'm going to be doing a series on this, so I'll do one. For the anxious and for the dismissive, another set of core wounds. I am bad and I am defective. And again, I don't want to go so too far down the rabbit hole and lose track with the video here, but this usually comes from the fact that you probably had to adapt to your environment in some way by basically being perfect to feel like, okay, I can't make any mistakes. Maybe because it would set your caregivers off and they would fight and there was so much chaos already, you didn't want anymore. Maybe you had a parent who was an alcoholic or had, you know, some sort of issue or was abusive or whatever it might be. And you being around that, you were so afraid, oh, my gosh, if I make a mistake, they might start drinking again, they might get angry again. And so usually you've kind of connected like perfectionism to safety. And so this I am bad thing can come up or, like, you can really, really give yourself way too hard of a time for making, like the tiniest mistakes, especially if they're related to hurting people's feelings because you're. You connect that to, oh, my gosh, if I hurt somebody's feelings, then they could drink again, they could fight, I could be unsafe, There could be more chaos, there could be more inconsistency. And so at a deeper subconscious. The reason you've shamed or guilted yourself so hard for these things is because the original associations built in between making a mistake and the Outcome were so scary and so strong and so intense. And you know, some people will say, like, I didn't have tons of chaos in the home, but you know, my parents had a really messy divorce or they would really fight loudly, or one parent had an alcohol problem, or one parent was depressed and it was really scary for me to see them so down, especially if they were a single parent. All these things are more than enough to create a fearful, avoidant attachment style. And all these things are also changeable. Okay, These aren't nature things. They're not things that you come into the world born with. Yes, they are developed at a really early age, but they're still nurture based, they're conditioning based. And so if they get programmed in, they can be programmed out. And we'll see as I am bad. And sometimes you'll even give yourself a sense of shame, like I am defective, connected to I am bad. And especially if, like you do something that could be seen as bad, maybe you lose your cool and you make a rude remark to somebody, anything like that, you'll just usually really double down on the shaming and anger, not even anger towards yourself. It's not actually the emotion. It's like shame and rumination and a little bit of panic and needing to hide or withdraw. But you really like beat yourself up and criticize yourself over and over again. And this is very common for fearful avoidance too. Now, those of you who are healing and on your healing journey, you're probably already experiencing way less of this. But I'm just trying to like, you know, give the bottom rung of the ladder. Make, make this really clear to people who might have experienced this in the past or who might not be on their healing journey or early to their healing. Another big one is, I'm not good enough. I am unworthy. That's usually a really big one. A lot of fearful avoidance put a lot of pressure on themselves because they're often parentified at a young age. So they usually had to deal with some kind of circumstances that were sort of like far beyond what a child would have to deal with. And I'm not even saying this in like a horror way, but just like it could be that you just had to take care of younger siblings and you had a big family and your parents weren't emotionally available and there was a lot of pressure and sometimes chaos. You know, it could be the landscape of a whole bunch of different things that unfortunately lots of people experience some version of this stuff. Right? But the idea here is that there's Usually some kind of pressure put on and you've associated. I have to figure this out to feel safe. And so I am not good enough, I am unworthy. They're kind of connected to the I am bad, I am effective. Although one's more like based in shame. And the feelings with I'm not good enough or unworthy are usually guilt. Okay, so there's usually two differences in there. And often the I am not good enough, I am unworthy. The actions accompanying them will often be like poor boundaries, a fawning response, trying to overcompensate for things, maybe taking on responsibilities or doing things that aren't necessarily yours to do, and kind of burdening yourself with things that may not be exactly fair for you to take on, if that makes sense. Okay. The other core wounds that are really strong, I am trapped, helpless, powerless. Usually the emotions, especially the helpless one, and I am out of control, is basically the same as I am trapped, helpless, powerless. Frustration and anger will be the big emotions connected with that. I don't usually see much of an exception to those emotions accompanying those core wounds. I will be attacked or I am unsafe. This is usually deeply subconscious, like almost in the unconscious recesses of the mind. For the fearful avoidant, they don't necessarily identify with feeling unsafe that often. But you'll see that this is true for you because when you feel attacked, you will hyper defend yourself. And again, that's usually because at some point early on in childhood, you felt like there was nobody there to defend you. And so often that's where this can be coming from. So I will be attacked. I am unsafe. And so anger often accompanies that, an emotional expression of volatility, like emotional outbursts a little bit. And sometimes you'll even see yourself react very largely to very small things because of the fact that this core wound is there and alive. And so it's very important to recognize because then you can have these disproportionate emotional reactions that take up a lot of your day, a lot of your mental real estate. And you're giving your energy to nothing. You're giving your energy to basically firing and wiring an old wound. And the more you do that, you keep programming it in more, you don't deprogram it. You're feeding what you keep fighting through. Okay. Lastly, another sort of big pain point for the fearful avoidant can be I'm stupid and I am disrespected. They often go together and shame and anger, and that's more light compared to some of the other larger ones. So there are other core wounds that I didn't list in here. Like I will be alone, some ones that are like more surface. But these are like the core specifically related to fearful avoidance. We can all have other ones. I'm excluded, I'm disliked, sort of like easy ones. But I'm going to save some of those for the anxious preoccupied, because they can really feel those ones and they can be really excruciating and painful. Let me know anything else you want to see in the comments below. Thank you so much for being here and for watching. Please like share and subscribe to this channel if you're going getting a lot of value and I will see you in the next video.