The Hidden Reasons A Dismissive Avoidant Won't Commit & What Changes EVERYTHING - The Thais Gibson Podcast

The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode Title: The Hidden Reasons A Dismissive Avoidant Won't Commit & What Changes EVERYTHING
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: March 13, 2026

Episode Overview

In this powerful and concise episode, Thais Gibson explores the elusive reasons behind why individuals, especially those with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, may struggle to commit in relationships—even when there is genuine love involved. Thais unpacks the roots of avoidant behaviors, explains why chasing or self-sacrifice won’t lead to lasting change, and delivers actionable strategies for listeners to honor themselves and cultivate healthier relationship dynamics. The tone is compassionate, insightful, and empowering, emphasizing self-worth and personal growth.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Someone May Love You but Not Commit

(00:00–02:30)

Thais opens with a powerful statement:
"Someone can love you but still not commit to you. And this is because commitment is about capacity, not chemistry." (00:01)
She highlights the self-abandonment trap:
Trying to "earn" someone’s commitment by changing yourself actually teaches them they don’t have to choose you and causes you to painfully abandon your own needs.
Main message: Don’t take avoidant behavior personally; it’s a matter of that person’s capacity, not your worth.

2. Core Reasons for Commitment Struggles in Dismissive Avoidants

(02:31–06:00)

Background of Avoidant Attachment:
Dismissive and fearful avoidants often grew up with unmet emotional needs, leading to:
- Fears of being trapped, helpless, powerless.
- Fear of betrayal, being defective, or appearing weak when vulnerable.
Hyper-Independence:
Avoidants learn to meet their own needs and avoid relying on others, thinking,
"If I want to get my needs met, the best I'm going to do this is to take up as little space as possible in relationships." (03:50)
Surface-level Connection:
Even if avoidants reach out, it’s rarely about the things that make them truly vulnerable.
Impact on Partners:
Partners may mistakenly believe if they change themselves, the avoidant will finally commit—but that’s not how deep change works.

3. Subconscious Programming & Change

(06:01–07:30)

Limits of Willpower:
"You cannot change somebody else's subconscious conditioning." (06:12)
- The conscious mind handles only 3–5% of beliefs and actions; 95–97% is driven by the subconscious/unconscious.
- Even if an avoidant “wants” to change, unless they rewire at the subconscious level, their habits and nervous system responses won’t shift.

4. What To Do If You Love Someone Who Won’t Commit

(07:31–17:00)

Thais shares a three-step, actionable process:

Step 1: Set a Deadline

Don’t Stay in Limbo:
Set a personal deadline for how long you’ll stay in a non-committed situation.
- The timeframe depends on relationship duration.
- "That deadline represents the period of time in which you are going to keep investing...before you're going to recognize that, wait, this isn't working for me." (08:20)
Walk away guilt- and regret-free if progress doesn’t happen.

Step 2: Communicate Your Needs Clearly (Using Positive Framing)

Be Direct and Specific:
- Positive framing example:
  Instead of “You never spend time with me,” try:
  "I want to spend more quality time where we are present with each other. That looks like planning a date night every Friday. What time works for you?" (11:20)
- Take up space—share your needs, boundaries, and expectations openly.
Healthy Relationships Require Work:
- "Good relationships do not just fall into your lap...they are worked on." (12:40)
- Healthy discomfort from communicating your needs equals growth, just like training for a marathon.

Step 3: Evaluate Your Ability to Take Up Space

Self-Reflection Exercise:
- Rate yourself from 1 to 10 on how comfortable you are expressing needs, setting boundaries, and speaking up when hurt.
- "Every time you don't speak up, every time you don't share your truth, you suppress yourself, suffer in silence and you literally self silence into oblivion." (16:30)

5. Outcome Options – Choosing Growth or Self-Abandonment

(17:01–19:20)

Two Paths:
1. Honoring Yourself: Set a deadline, communicate, invest fully. If nothing changes, walk away empowered—closure comes from knowing you did your best.
2. Self-Silencing: Continue people-pleasing and not expressing needs, leading to gradual loss of self.
Ultimate Message:
"Part of taking yourself back is learning to show up, learning to communicate, learning to state your needs and honor your boundaries. That is a really healthy thing to do." (19:15)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Capacity vs. Chemistry:
"Someone can love you but still not commit to you. And this is because commitment is about capacity, not chemistry." (00:01)
On Self-Abandonment:
"The more you train somebody that they don't have to choose you...the more you silently and painfully abandon yourself." (00:40)
On Subconscious Change:
"Until you learn to rewire that part of you, there's not really gonna be a moving of the needle." (06:50)
On Honoring Self:
"Otherwise, I betray myself and abandon myself so deeply in the process that that's going to leave me with really, really deep wounds." (09:45)
On Taking up Space:
"Evaluate from 1 to 10 how much you feel comfortable taking up space...because every time you don't speak up, you suppress yourself, suffer in silence and you literally self silence into oblivion." (16:20–16:30)
Final Empowerment:
"Part of taking yourself back is learning to show up, learning to communicate, learning to state your needs and honor your boundaries." (19:15)

Important Timestamps

00:00–02:30: Introduction and the difference between love and capacity to commit
02:30–06:00: Understanding avoidant attachment and core fears
06:00–07:30: Subconscious vs. conscious change
07:30–10:00: Step 1—Setting a relationship deadline
11:00–13:10: Step 2—Communicating needs with positive framing
14:20–16:30: Step 3—Self-evaluation and taking up space
17:00–19:20: Two paths: self-honoring action vs. self-abandonment and final encouragement

Episode Summary

Thais Gibson breaks down the hidden factors that cause dismissive avoidant individuals to shy away from commitment and offers an empowering roadmap for partners caught in these dynamics. Her advice centers on self-respect: set clear boundaries, communicate needs positively, and refuse to lose yourself by chasing love. Ultimately, true change happens within, and healthy relationships demand honest, mutual effort. If you’re not growing together, honor your journey by being willing to walk away. This episode is a must-listen for anyone struggling to balance love, commitment, and self-worth in their relationships.

Transcript

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Someone can love you but still not commit to you. And this is because commitment is about capacity, not chemistry. However, the more you try to sit there and earn somebody's commitment and change yourself to become what you think they need you to be so that you can earn their love, the more you train somebody that they don't have to choose you and the more you silently and painfully abandon yourself. So in today's video, in this next seven minutes, I'm gonna take you through what to do when you love somebody who won't commit. We're gonna start by talking about the root reasons that this often happens in relationship dynamics. But more importantly, I'm gonna take you through what to do so that you can honor yourself in this process and not completely lose yourself in this mix. Now, if you're new here, hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson. I'm the founder of the Personal Development School and Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory. The proven method that helps you rewire your attachment style and build the best relationship life in as little as 90 days. And I love to share content out here and just really do things that are going to help support people in healing their relationships. Starting with the relationship to self. Because it was a big part of my life and was so transformative for me that I'd love to share it with you too. Let's dive into this. I think the most important thing that we want to start by doing is talking about why this happens so that you have context and don't take it as personally. But then most importantly, we're going to talk about what to do. So a lot of reasons why people won't commit in a relationship is because they have one of two major problems. Either they're avoidantly attached. Okay, so this means that they grew up in households or dynamics where they had fears around commitment. They were wounded in a way where they didn't really come to believe that they could have fulfilling relationships. So they may have fears around being trapped or helpless or powerless or the fear of being betrayed in a relationship dynamic or even the fear of being defective or shameful if they are vulnerable and they they open themselves up or the fear of being weak. Okay, so a lot of these are big core fears of both dismissive avoidance and fearful avoidance who may struggle to really commit in relationships for that reason. But also avoidant attachment styles, they don't communicate their needs. So what we'll often see here is that individuals who learned to attach by being hyper independent, they don't rely on other people, they don't co regulate they don't share with other people and lean on people. In some cases, you may see dismissive avoidance or fearful avoidance, relying on people just a little bit. But this is usually at a really high level and not about the real stuff. So they've learned over time, because of the way that they were raised in their childhood or their experiences, they've essentially learned that, oh, if I want to get my needs met, the best I'm going to do this is to take up as little space as possible in relationships. And then people will want to be around me because I'm not a burden. I don't take up too much space in general. And so they'll really keep a lot of their needs to themselves. They'll expect themselves to be the ones to meet a lot of their needs. And they don't really know how to open up and be vulnerable, especially about the things they truly feel vulnerable about. And so what this looks like is that if you're on the receiving end of this, you're dating somebody and you're like, hey, what's going on here? You have these fears around commitment. You don't know how to really get your needs met through me. And a lot of times you then think if you're on the receiving end of this, you then think that if you just do more or try harder or show up in a different way or become more of what this person needs from you, that then everything would change. And that's simply not how it works, because you cannot change somebody else's subconscious conditioning. In other words, it's not possible for you to change how you show up and have that change somebody else. And here's why. It's because your conscious mind is only responsible for 3 to 5% of all of your beliefs. Your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, and your subconscious and unconscious mind collectively are 95 to 97%. And your conscious mind is your logical, analytical, thinking self. So this more avoidant leaning person in a relationship, they can say, oh, okay, I'm just going to try to let my guard down. I'm going to try to let people in. I'm going to try to lean on people. They can tell themselves that, but they're not habitually showing up that way. Your subconscious mind is your program self, your habituated self, how you're naturally behaving. And until you learn to rewire that part of you, there's not really gonna be a moving of the needle. People can say that they're gonna try to change or even want to change, sincerely want to change but unless you know how to do that work at the subconscious level, your nervous system's always responding to your subconscious mind. It literally will not respond. What does that mean for you? What does that mean if you're on the receiving end of this? Well, here's three things that you can do. Number one, set a deadline. Far too many people in this dynamic, they stay in the gray area forever. They end up in situations where they chase somebody, they're hoping that they can love somebody into commitment or change, but it doesn't work like that. So you need to set a deadline so that you can give this person a chance. Like, I'm not going to sit here because I've learned this, I've worked with thousands of people. I can't tell you this person's not going to commit. You should leave, and you're ready to leave tomorrow. It doesn't work like that. And I get that because usually your heart is. Is engaged in the situation and invested, and it's not going to be something where you just can up and leave, you know, in 24 hours. So what I always say to people is, set a deadline. Maybe this deadline is three weeks that you'll work on the relationship. Maybe it's three months. That deadline is going to be really individual and specific, you and your situation. So, for example, if you've been dating somebody for six years, you're not going to spend three weeks. You're probably going to spend six months, right? You're going to spend a little longer of a period of time. If you've been dating somebody for 25 years, you might spend a year or two years trying to make the relationship work. If you've got, you know, children and a mortgage and all these things together, it's not so easy. But if you've been dating somebody for three months, you might invest for another couple of weeks. Your goal here is to set a deadline. And that deadline represents the period of time in which you are going to keep investing in this relationship and trying to move the needle before you're going to recognize that, wait, this isn't working for me. I'm trying. I'm trying to show up. I'm trying to make things work, and it's not. So I have no choice but to walk away. Otherwise, I betray myself and abandon myself so deeply in the process that that's going to leave me with really, really deep wounds. So we need to, number one, set a deadline. And I want you to think about what this is like. How long should you stay in this relationship before it becomes unfair and unhealthy to you in this process. I just wanted to pop in here and let you know we are doing a seven day free trial to the All Access membership pass at pds, which means you get access to literally everything inside of the school. And this includes the four live webinars I do with our students every single week. And on top of that, you get access to to all of our different courses. We have over 55 different courses on relationships, communication, boundaries, emotional mastery, guilt and shame. Learning your needs. So many different facets that are really important to master our lives and feel really good about our lives going forward. And last but not least, there's a daily community event. We have trained facilitators and coaches who are in there doing that work, showing up to support you on your journey every single day. Please join me on the other side. Please come check it out, see if it's a fit for you. I'd love to see you there. Go ahead and sign up by clicking the link in the description box below. Number two, within that deadline period of time, you are going to invest and you're going to invest in doing a few things. And this may sound counterintuitive, but number one, you are going to start communicating your needs. This has to be done through what we call positive framing. You can't say what's not happening. You can't say, oh, you're not caring about me enough, you're not spending time with me. We have to do this through positive framing. This looks like you saying, hey, I want to spend more quality time where we are present with each other. That looks like planning a date night every Friday. What time works for you? So this looks like you really clearly articulating what you're needing and painting a picture for what that looks like so it can't get misinterpreted. And now all of a sudden, you're positioning yourself to take up space. Because trust me, if you're with somebody who's not invested, who's not committing to you properly, this could be like not committing to a relationship. But it could be in a marriage where this person's not committing to the relationship, they're not doing the work, they're not showing up, and we have to do work. In relationships, good relationships do not just fall into your lap. They are worked on. Okay? You don't. It's like saying somebody wakes up and they just suddenly, by accident, get their dream job and dream career where they're making a ton of money and they have freedom and they're doing things they love. That happens through you. Working on showing up and bettering yourself to be somebody who can go create that career for yourself, go create that path for yourself. And the same thing is going to apply to relationships, good relationships. They take the work. They take a little bit of work done. And that is a perfectly good thing. Because what that means is that you are forced to introspect as a person, be accountable as a person, communicate and strengthen your communication skills. It's going to cause you to have to grow in healthy ways and push yourself a little bit outside of your comfort zone, to empathize with other people, to admit when you're wrong. This is not you particularly. This is both people. In any relationship as a whole, relationships force you to grow. That's a good thing. Okay? It may be uncomfortable at times, it may be difficult, but that's working on your behalf. That's making you a better version of yourself. So doing the work is a positive thing, okay? And so what I'm saying here is that you want to practice pouring everything you can into doing the work, making sure you're communicating well, using those tips I just talked about, making sure that you are taking up space and actually sharing what it is that you need and what it is that you're looking for in a healthy, regulated way. And also telling somebody what your boundaries are telling somebody, hey, I can't stay in a relationship dynamic forever if I'm not seeing progress, if I'm not seeing the needle move. All of these things are going to force you to get uncomfortable. All of these things are going to force you to honor yourself and your truth and your boundaries and your needs. That is a good thing. And something can be really good for you and uncomfortable at the same time. I mean, think about people who train for a marathon or, or go to the gym every day. Like, that is uncomfortable sometimes, but it's also really powerful. It's good. It's growing you. So this is something. And I want you to evaluate this as step number three. I want you to evaluate from 1 to 10 how much you feel comfortable taking up space. And by taking up space, I mean, like sharing with everybody if somebody hurts you, telling them that they hurt you if somebody makes you feel uncomfortable, letting them know and setting a boundary around it so it doesn't happen again. Letting somebody know what you need in a relationship and communicating. Communicating that. I want you to start scoring yourself from 1 to 10 at how good of a job you do there, because then this is going to bring me to this Last part, which is that you, in this relationship dynamic, you then have to be willing to walk away if the needle doesn't move. Because you have one of two options. You either walk away if you don't see progress. And if you know that you set a deadline and you poured everything in and you tried your heart out and you practice taking up space and telling somebody what you need and communicating properly and giving somebody a chance and they didn't show up for you, then you can walk away guilt and regret free. You don't want to stay in that wrong relationship forever, so that serves you, that honors you in the process. And you know that you have this, this automatic closure in knowing that you tried, you could. Or your best case scenario is that that person actually grows and evolves with you, starts learning what you need, starts recognizing that you have needs too and they start treating you better. And now you grow together instead of growing apart. Okay? Staying in the middle. So that's one path, okay? Your other path is to stay doing what you're doing, not share your needs, keep people pleasing. And I'm telling you, you will lose yourself more and more every day, every, every month, every week. Because every time you don't speak up, every time you don't share your truth, you suppress yourself, suffer in silence and you literally self silence into oblivion. You're going to lose who you are in that process. And part of taking yourself back is learning to show up, learning to communicate, learning to state your needs and honor your boundaries. That is a really healthy thing to do. Thank you so much for watching and for being here. I'll see you next time.