The REAL Reason Dismissive Avoidants Come Back

The Thais Gibson Podcast – October 25, 2025
Host: Thais Gibson

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson dives into the emotionally complex behaviors of individuals with a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style—specifically, why they often return after breakups or disconnects, sometimes weeks or months later. She unpacks the subconscious motivations driving these returns, how delayed emotional processing works for DAs, and what those on the receiving end should look for to determine whether there is genuine intention to reconnect. Thais also offers actionable steps for both DAs and their ex-partners to heal and break free from repetitive relationship patterns.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Dismissive Avoidants Return After Breakups

[00:10 – 02:15]

• DAs "have a habit of ever so often returning to an ex" across all types of relationships—from casual dating to committed partnerships.
• Thais highlights the main reason: DAs don't process emotional hurt in the same way as others. Their coping mechanism is to suppress and numb their feelings post-breakup.

"They will try to keep everything down as their coping strategy, like their first go-to is to numb themselves in some form... until it's no longer an effective coping strategy."
— Thais Gibson [01:08]

• When the numbing stops working, those underlying feelings "seep up to the surface," making DAs realize what they're missing, prompting them to reach out.

2. Feelings vs. Fears: The DA Inner Experience

[02:16 – 03:55]

• DAs operate in cycles:
  • Strong feelings + minimal fear = DA shows up.
  • Strong feelings + strong fear = DA pulls back.
• After a breakup, with no immediate relationship to fear, the “fear switches off” and only their unprocessed feelings remain. This absence of fear gives space for their emotions to emerge, sometimes resulting in a sudden reconnection attempt.

"When that space happens where there's nothing to fear any longer, there's only room for their feelings to arise."
— Thais Gibson [02:34]

3. Other Reasons DAs Might Resurface

[03:56 – 04:55]

• Sometimes, DAs reach out for more surface-level reasons:
  • Seeking light connection or indirect validation (“Did they care about me?”)
  • Curiosity about the ex’s feelings
• Thais emphasizes these are normal human experiences but shouldn't be mistaken for deep intentions to repair the relationship.

4. Guidance for Those on the Receiving End

[04:56 – 06:02]

• The key question is not if a DA reaches out, but:
  • Are they willing to do the real work of reconnection?
  • Are they asking to see you, discuss what went wrong, or demonstrate commitment to resolving issues?
• Without these behaviors, maintaining your own boundaries is vital—just as you would with any attachment style.

"...what's going to count towards the success and progression of a relationship at the end of the day in any form."
— Thais Gibson [05:33]

5. Healing After a Disconnection

[06:03 – 08:10]

• For both DAs and their ex-partners, true healing comes from:
  1. Identifying the needs and traits the relationship fulfilled (e.g., humor, support, protectiveness).
  2. Healing those specific voids internally, rather than seeking external replacement.
  3. Challenging and healing the stories you tell yourself about why things ended (e.g., “I'm not good enough,” “I can't do relationships,” “I'm unworthy”).

"When you really heal that void, that's what it means to really heal from a breakup or a point of disconnection..."
— Thais Gibson [06:40]

• Both DAs and their exes must rewrite limiting beliefs or narratives that keep them stuck.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On delayed emotions:
  “Their feelings kind of sort of seep up to the surface of the conscious mind and they start to become more aware of what they're feeling...”
  — Thais Gibson [01:35]

• On boundaries:
  "If you're not seeing any of those sort of prerequisites to healing a relationship, then it is important to sort of have your own boundaries with the DA just like it would be with any other attachment style."
  — Thais Gibson [05:10]

Timestamps to Key Segments

• 00:10 — Main topic introduction: DAs returning to ex-partners
• 01:08 — How DAs suppress feelings after a breakup
• 02:34 — Why DAs reach out when there's nothing left to fear
• 03:56 — Superficial reasons for DA contact
• 05:00 — How to gauge the DA's true intentions and set boundaries
• 06:40 — Healing from breakups: internal work, not external validation

Overall Tone & Takeaways

Thais shares these insights with empathy and clarity, maintaining a practical and encouraging tone throughout. She empowers listeners on both sides of DA breakups to understand the underlying dynamics at play and offers actionable steps for self-healing and better relationships in the future.

If you want to dive deeper into intimacy and attachment styles, Thais mentions a free course giveaway (details at episode's end).