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Dismissive avoidance have a habit of ever so often returning to an ex. And there are a few major reasons why this tends to happen, but there is a biggest one above all. And in today's video we are going to cover the real reason dismissive avoidance actually return. Why does a dismissive avoidant after a breakup kind of like resurface weeks later, months later perhaps? What does this mean? Where is this coming from? And this can be ranging from after a few dates to situationships to full on romantic relationships that broke off. So some big common themes here for why dismissive avoidance come back especially seemingly out of the blue are number one, that dismissive avoidance often don't process their hurt around relationships in a normal way. So they tend to process their, their hurt around relationships almost in a delayed response. What this really means is essentially if you take a dismissive avoidant who's really used to trying to suppress their feelings, to maintain their sense of safety and control in their lives, and then they go through a painful breakup or hardship, they will try to keep everything down as their coping strategy, like their first go to, is to numb themselves in some form through avoidance, through suppression, through binging on television, video games, food, alcohol, whatever it might be, all to numb their experience. And they will generally tend to do this until it's no longer an effective coping strategy. And, and then their feelings kind of sort of seep up to the surface of the conscious mind and they start to become more aware of what they're feeling and that that's actually connected to a past X or a relationship or that they may be missing somebody. And so that's one major reason that they sort of, once they start feeling that, then they actually want to reach out and may do so. Another big reason is that dismissive avoidance are in their feelings minus their fears. We always talk about this, right? And it's like when those feelings are really strong and there's minimal fears, then the DA shows up. Well, when those feelings are really strong, but then their fears come online really strong, they can start really pulling back and those fears can be really loud. And then when there's a disconnect that happens in the relationship, there's no room to fear anything anymore. There's no fear of commitment, of having to be vulnerable, of having to open up. So what you'll see is the dismissive avoidance. Because of this, when that space happens where there's nothing to fear any longer, there's only room for their feelings to arise. But because of feature one that we just discussed, they try to, when they start realizing, oh, I might have made a mistake or I might be missing this person. Those feelings will be there. They try to push them down really hard for a while and then eventually they come back online. There's no fears left, there's just feelings. And then they may reach out. Now there are other reasons as well that may be more surface. And these are important things to pay attention to if you're sort of on the receiving end of this, and I'll talk about that in a moment. But dismissive avoidance also may reach out just for like high level connection, for sort of indirect validation or because they're wondering, you know, did the person care about me? Did they sort of have feelings for me? They may have a little bit of curiosity, these sorts of things, you know, normal human experiences and responses to things. But if you're on the receiving end of that, the big feature to look for is not like, are they reaching out? But you really want to look for like their behaviors, like, are they willing to do the work to reconnect? And if they're just reaching out but don't want to hang out or spend time together or book a date or have a tough conversation about what went wrong. If you're not seeing any of those sort of prerequisites to, to healing a relationship, then it is important to sort of have your own boundaries with the da just like it would be with any other attachment style. Should they reach out after a break up or a disconnect from a situationship, or they sort of fell off while dating because really that's what's going to count towards the success and progression of a relationship at the end of the day in any form. So the last thing I'll say here is if you are the dismissive avoidant or you are the the ex or past partner of a dismissive avoidance, and you want to heal from this disconnect that took place. It's really important that you heal the needs that the person represented, the traits that they brought out in you or brought into your life. Did they make you laugh through their sense of humor? Did they look out for you and make you feel like they had your back and they protected and supported you through their protectiveness, supportiveness, like what are the needs? What were the traits? What are those, those features? Because when you really heal that void, that's what it means to really heal from a breakup or a point of disconnection, as well as when you heal the stories you're telling yourself about why something went wrong. Like if you go through Some kind of disconnection. You go, oh, I'm not good enough. And that's why it didn't work out. I'm unworthy or I'm going to be alone forever. Obviously this is more situated towards the partner or ex of a da but even the DA will be like, I can't do relationships. Something's wrong with me. I was unworthy of this person. Cause I couldn't show up, you know, and. And no matter what, those stories will keep us stuck from moving on, from healing, from feeling like we really have a fresh start. I want to let you know if you are somebody who wants to do a much deeper dive into understanding intimacy as a whole between different attachment styles, you can actually dive in and check out for free and keep for life. It's literally a gift right now, a giveaway. The attachment styles and intimacy course and it covers like, makes people feel emotionally close, physically close in regards to intimacy and sex, but also just like the different types of intimacy and what the needs are of each attachment style, what the fears are, what the things that will push people away are, what the boundaries are, both their unhealthy and healthy patterns, how to plant the healthy ones and make sure you overcome the unhealthy ones for you or wanting to know some this about somebody else. And again you can check that out using the link down below fully for free. You keep it for life. So it's a gift. It's a giveaway. We're just doing this for a limited time, but it's down there below. Thank you so much for watching. I hope this video is helpful for you. Please like share and subscribe to this channel. If you hang out here or got a lot of value from this video or other videos I have, I would really appreciate it and I will see you in the next video.