The Real Reason Dismissive Avoidants Disengage in Relationships

Summary

Episode Overview

Title: The Real Reason Dismissive Avoidants Disengage in Relationships
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: June 5, 2026

This episode of The Thais Gibson Podcast delves into the core reasons why dismissive avoidant partners often disengage during conflicts in relationships. Through a real-life coaching conversation, Thais explores the hidden emotional dynamics, subconscious beliefs, and communication challenges that drive this disengagement. The episode also offers practical strategies for understanding and bridging attachment-related differences between partners—particularly when one is healing from being fearful avoidant and the other identifies more as dismissive avoidant.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Subjective Nature of Conflict in Relationships

• Timestamps: [00:51]–[03:47]
• Thais emphasizes that conflicts are rarely about the "objective issue" (e.g., clothes on the floor or which road to take), but rather the subjective meaning each partner gives to the situation.
  • Quote:

    "It's much more the subjective meaning that we give to things...they're talking about being disrespected and unloved, but they try to solve for it by talking about the clothes on the floor." (Thais Gibson, [02:40])

• She shares a story of a couple fighting over laundry, which masked deeper wounds of feeling "disrespected" and "unloved."
  • Memorable moment: The breakthrough comes when each partner recognizes and verbalizes these underlying feelings, rather than focusing on the surface issue.

2. Attachment Styles and Their Influence on Conflict

• Timestamps: [03:47]–[04:50]
• Dismissive avoidants are adept at compartmentalizing problems and "letting things roll off their shoulders," which can lead to neglecting their own needs and feelings.
  • Quote:

    "Avoidants are very good at letting things roll off their shoulders...and compartmentalizing at times as well." (Thais Gibson, [04:02])

• When paired with a partner recovering from fearful avoidant patterns (who may now be more expressive), this dynamic can cause imbalance: one partner over-communicating, the other under-communicating.

3. The Importance of Matching Communication

• Timestamps: [04:50]–[05:30]
• The avoidant partner risks "just catering" to the other while bottling up small grievances of their own.
  • Quote:

    "You may fall into this trap of like, 'Oh, I'm fine. I'm always fine. So I'll just cater to what she needs.' But in turn, there will actually be things you're feeling, too..." (Thais Gibson, [04:31])

• Even if one's issues seem less intense ("a 3 out of ten"), communicating these is vital for real resolution and connection.

4. Case Study: Driving Conflict & Disengagement Patterns

• Timestamps: [05:30]–[13:29]
• The guest ("B") describes classic dismissive avoidant behaviors in real-life scenarios—e.g., during car trips when his partner gives directions.
  • He often feels irritation, bites his tongue, or silently does things "to avoid conflict."
  • Thais helps him identify his internal feelings in such moments: irritation, uncertainty, and above all, a sense of being disrespected.
• Quote:
  > "I know which way to go, but I wouldn't say it. I would just, you know… sometimes I just, like, go that way, and other times, like, I'm going my way..." (B, [05:39])
  • Recently, he’s started to compliment his partner’s advice to “satiate” her needs, but Thais points out this can still feel forced if the deeper emotional story isn’t addressed.
  • Notable exchange:

    "In the moment where she says, 'Go this way, go this way,'…what do you feel in your body?"
    "Maybe a...unsure of myself that, oh, am I not going the right way?" (Thais Gibson & B, [09:21]–[09:53])

• The root feeling for B is a belief that he isn’t respected—a theme he admits has affected the last years of his marriage, leading to emotional distancing.
  • Quote:

    “Definitely distancing. Yeah. Because that was kind of a theme over the last few years of our marriage.” (B, [13:03])

• Thais clarifies the difference between reacting to a perceived lack of respect ("my wife doesn't respect me") vs. the surface argument ("she wants to take a different route").

5. Recognizing and Shifting Subconscious Stories

• Timestamps: [08:00]–[13:33]
• It's not enough to just "change behavior" (e.g., complimenting a partner or going along with their suggestions); true change comes from shifting the underlying meaning we assign these conflicts.
  • Quote:

    "Unless you find the deeper meaning you're giving to it…you can imagine, it's like that idea that the husband goes and he picks up the clothes, but the wife doesn't feel any better because she's still carrying the story that she's disrespected." (Thais Gibson, [08:00])

• The episode sets up for the next stage: tools and processes to help dismissive avoidants (and all partners) work through those subconscious stories and express their needs healthily.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• "It's much more the subjective meaning that we give to things...they're talking about being disrespected and unloved, but they try to solve for it by talking about the clothes on the floor."

  • Thais Gibson, [02:40]

• "You may fall into this trap of like, 'Oh, I'm fine. I'm always fine. So I'll just cater to what she needs.' But in turn, there will actually be things you're feeling, too..."

  • Thais Gibson, [04:31]

• "I know which way to go, but I wouldn't say it. I would just, you know... so sometimes I just, like, go that way, and other times, like, I'm going my way..."

  • B, [05:39]

• "Unless you find the deeper meaning you're giving to it... you can imagine, it's like that idea that the husband goes and he picks up the clothes, but the wife doesn't feel any better because she's still carrying the story that she's disrespected."

  • Thais Gibson, [08:00]

• "Definitely distancing. Yeah. Because that was kind of a theme over the last few years of our marriage."

  • B, [13:03]

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Key Takeaways

• Conflict is rarely about the surface issue. Real healing and reconnection require identifying, communicating, and transforming the underlying beliefs and emotional wounds that each partner brings into conflict.
• Dismissive avoidants often disengage because, at a subconscious level, they feel unseen, disrespected, or emotionally unsafe—and their default is to withdraw or clam up to protect themselves.
• True relationship growth happens when both partners can name and share these deeper stories in real time, moving past old avoidance strategies and toward authentic intimacy.

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Suggested Listening Segments

• [00:51]–[03:47]: The “clothes on the floor” illustration—how meaning shapes conflict.
• [04:31]–[05:30]: Danger of unequal communication and the need for both partners to express needs.
• [09:21]–[10:58]: Real conflict example—unpacking emotions under routine disagreements.
• [12:05]–[13:10]: How distancing becomes a pattern—and why it's about respect, not the practical disagreement.

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Flow & Tone

Throughout the episode, Thais maintains a compassionate, insightful tone, encouraging deep self-reflection, empathy, and practical change. The conversation is open, relatable, and aims to empower listeners to transform their attachment patterns and communication habits for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Transcript

[A]

When a conflict happens, what happens from both of your ends in your eyes,

[B]

probably dismiss and then go our separate ways, you know. So I think that's led to a independence somewhat in that, you know, all right, I'll go do my thing. I'll go do my photography or, you know, work on the computer, and she'll go watching Netflix or something like that. And then, you know, I'm a very optimistic person. So I'm thinking, you know, oh, it's, it's. It's this cause or something. You know, we had, you know, we move, we're doing work in the house. We're, you know, different things. I'm thinking, well, once this is all over, it's going to all get better.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

So it's, you know, it's all going to be better.

[A]

Well, I have to tell you something, if you didn't know this already, then, because this is really important about conflict. And we'll get into this specifically, but one of the most important things about conflict is that it's not really the objective information. So in reality, you can absolutely be stressed by external things, right? It's stressful to move. It puts external pressure. It's stressful to have a bad night's sleep or a bunch of them in a row. You know, there's these things that are objectively there, but when a conflict actually bothers us out of all the things that could bother us at any given time, it's not really the objective thing alone. It's much more the subjective meaning that we give to things. So I always tell this story and I'll tell this to you, and we'll actually get into your versions of it. But I remember working years and years ago, like 13 years ago, probably, and it was the first year or so that I was working with couples couple. They came in to talk about a conflict they were having, and it was a husband and wife. And the wife was talking about how she's upset that her husband always leaves the clothes on the floor. And as she was telling it, her hands started shaking. And I was very surprised that her hands were shaking over the clothes on the floor. And then I looked at her husband and he started really like, you know, he looked like a little kid. He kind of cowered like a little kid, and his body language changed. And I asked her, I said, well, what do you make it mean about you when you see the clothing on the floor? And she said, well, I make it mean that I'm disrespected because I try all the time to Ask him to pick up his clothes. And he just. He must not respect me. My own husband doesn't respect me. And I looked at him and I said, okay, well, what do you make it mean when she gets upset? And he said, I work my butt off. I try to do a whole bunch of chores around the house. I try so hard, and she doesn't see how much effort I put in. And I just feel like she doesn't love me. And so you have these two people, and they're talking about being disrespected and unloved, but they try to solve for it by talking about the clothes on the floor. And so what ends up happening is it's not really the clothes on the floor. Okay. You know, you don't want the clothes on the floor, it's fine. But that's not the root of what's happening in the conflict. And so when we get trapped in that frame of thinking, then we go our whole lives never properly resolving things because we're not talking about what we make it mean. And so in that context, what we did is then her husband. I said, okay, well, do you respect her? And she said, of course. He said, of course I respect her. I respect this and this and, you know, lists all these things that he respects and admires and sees in her. And of course, now she's feeling differently. And I asked her, I said, well, do you love your husband? Do you see all the things he does do? And she names them and says all these things she. She loves. And now all of a sudden, they've solved the real problem instead of just trying to talk about the clothes. And. And it's part of why you see in those moments that she. She may have him pick up the clothes after she's angry, she's still mad. Right. She's like, you picked up the clothes, but it didn't solve the real problem.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I want to use that as sort of a jumping off ground and go into some of the conflicts so that you can see what's coming up. Because sometimes when somebody's a little bit more avoidant, one of the risks, even when you start doing the work, is that avoidance are very good, or people with even a little bit of avoidance in there, they're very good at letting things roll off their shoulders and sort of a special skill that they tend to have and compartmentalizing at times as well. And sometimes you'll then even get into a relationship with somebody. And especially because Lisa's coming through working on being fearful, avoidant one of the challenges you have to watch out for is that Lisa might start communicating a lot and sharing a lot and finally speaking her needs. And that's really, really good and really healthy, but you have to match it. And you. You may fall into this trap of like, oh, I'm fine. I'm always fine. So I'll just cater to what she needs. But in turn, there will actually be things you're feeling, too, just like the disrespected or unloved that do exist beneath the surface.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And even if they only bother you with three out of ten each time, and hers are an eight or a nine, and she's got more, you know, those things come from earlier childhood wounds. Right. So the disrespected woman in that situation, she had a huge wound, feeling disrespected by her older brothers and father growing up. The unloved that I mentioned, who felt unloved, he had a huge wound around his mother. Right. So the bigger the wounds are, the more we'll feel them as adults. Fearful avoidance generally have a little bit more wounding than the dismissive avoidance. So hers will be stronger, so she'll bring them up more, but you'll still have little twos, threes, fours out of tens of irritation. And you have to make sure you're communicating and working through yours, too.

[B]

That's a good point. I can think of one right off is like, we're driving. If I'm driving.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then she would say. She would tell me to go this way. I'm like, I know which way to go, but I wouldn't say it. I would just, you know, like, you know, so. So sometimes I just, like, go that way, and other times, like, I'm going my way,

[A]

and you go right into action. So. So let's just start there. We'll start with.

[B]

We'll.

[A]

We'll pick through a few conflicts, and I want to just. I want to first show you the thread, and then we'll work through the conflict. So let's pick that time that you were driving when. When was a recent time where she said, go that way, go that way.

[B]

Even driving up to Canada from. From North Carolina, there was some times where she would say, you know, go this way, and I didn't say anything. I think more now I tend to take her advice a little better than when we were butting heads more. And so now maybe it's to satiate her a little bit and to give her respect that her advice is valuable. And I should respond.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With. By following her Advice.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So I've had those thoughts and I've done that a couple of times. But then I think back to a couple years ago, near the end of our marriage, where we're driving somewhere and she's telling me to go this way, and I just bite my tongue. Or I would sometimes say something, I'm going to go this way. I know where I'm going sort of thing.

[A]

And it's so interesting because you're trying to now, which is beautiful. It's a good step. You're trying to now because you used to be. A couple years ago, you said, more like, I'm going this way and do what you wanted to do. And I see you trying to be flexible with her and make sure her. Her advice feels valued and compromised. And those are all beautiful things, but they'll still feel a tiny bit forced, like I'm biting my tongue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Unless you find the deeper meaning you're giving to it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Do you see what I mean?

[B]

All right, I got you.

[A]

Yeah. So. Because what happens is, you can imagine, like, it's sort of like that idea that the husband goes and he picks up the clothes, but the wife doesn't feel any better because she still is carrying the story that she's disrespected. Or then she could suddenly be a little nicer. Okay, thank you for picking up the clothes. But the husband still feels unloved. So I wanna just peel into that a little bit so it doesn't have to feel like you're out willing or biting your tongue. In the moment where she says, go this way, go this way. If you have one in your mind

[B]

that's specific recently or before.

[A]

Yeah, you can pick one more recent. We'll pick the one from driving back from North Carolina.

[B]

So. So more recent. I think I actually did respond, and I don't know if it was like holy spirit moment or whatever it was, but it was like I complimented her on giving me this direction.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

So I kind of, you know, thanked her, like, oh, that's a good idea sort of thing.

[A]

Good for you.

[B]

And that's beautiful. Did seem to. I didn't have that biting my tongue sort of thing.

[A]

Good. Okay. That's beautiful. And was there a moment of frustration before you complimented her?

[B]

Yeah, just that. Just that quick moment memory of, you know, this is coming again sort of thing.

[A]

So, you know, we've sustained there. Yeah. And sorry to interrupt you. I'm going to just take you through a little bit of a process here first. So in that moment. She does that, and you had a beautiful response to it, which is wonderful. But just prior to that, in the moment that she gives you advice and maybe it's rushing a little bit, she's like, go this way, go this way. What do you feel in your body? What emotions do you feel there?

[B]

Hmm. Maybe a. Unsure of myself that, oh, am I not going the right way?

[A]

Okay, good. So maybe a feeling of sort of uncertainty or uncertainty.

[B]

Worry. Not worry, but uncertainty. Yes.

[A]

Any irritation there as well?

[B]

Yes. From her?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. It's very normal. Human. Yeah. Yeah. And so in that moment, you feel a little irritated, a little uncertain. What do you make it mean about you or what are you afraid will happen if, you know, she's giving you advice like that?

[B]

Well, if I think back to prior instances, instances where. Where we did have disagreements and conflict, even though we were avoiding them, that I got very irritated when she would tell me, you know, where to go, how to drive or whatever. So that feeling of that irritation would come up. I'm not trying to describe it, and

[A]

I can give you some examples of common themes that come up for people. So did you make it mean I'm not respected? Like, what I'm doing is not respected?

[B]

Oh, I got you. Okay.

[A]

Maybe I'm unseen.

[B]

Yeah, that probably would be it. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. I'm going to try a couple on just in case. I think it's probably that one too. But it could be disrespected. It could be unseen, unheard, What I'm doing, or my opinion doesn't matter. In some sort of way, I'm not worthy. Or maybe she's shaming me and I feel sort of shamed in this experience or like, I'm not good enough, not doing a good enough job. There's the common ones we'll tend to see there. Which of those lands with you the most?

[B]

Well, probably not respected.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Would be the one. Yeah. Because that's important for a man.

[A]

Yeah. And very. Absolutely.

[B]

For women also.

[A]

But no, but it's. It's very. Yeah.

[B]

More so, I. I think for a man.

[A]

Okay. Beautiful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so. So I am disrespected. And then when you believe you're disrespected in that moment, if that. That feeling comes up, that belief comes up. Historically, you're doing some good work recently. But. But historically, what would you then do when you would feel that way in a conflict?

[B]

I would either clam up, grab the steering wheel more tightly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. Think about, am I going the right way? And you know, kind of get my mind right that, you know, double check myself, am I going the right direction or the right. And sometimes I would. I was in the wrong. So. So, so it's like, oh, it is a better way. But I wouldn't tell her that. I would just go that way to, to avoid the, the conflict.

[A]

Yeah. And when you would avoid a conflict, what happens next? Do you find yourself taking a little distance after because you're a little bit frustrated or just closing down a degree or two emotionally?

[B]

Definitely distancing. Yeah. Because that was kind of a theme over the last few years of our marriage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was a distancing.

[A]

And that would be a normal thing to do if you believe your wife doesn't respect you. Right. Like it's a response, not just to being told, hey, I want to go this way. When driving, it's more a response to believing that your wife doesn't respect you.

[B]

Right, Right.

[A]

Do you see the difference point?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that. So, so, so what do I do?

[A]

We're gonna, we're gonna work through it for sure. We're gonna work there. I gotta show. Okay.