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If you know anything about dismissive avoidant attachment styles, you know that they often give mixed signals. They seem to be pretty warm and available at one point in time, and then they suddenly pull back and often shut down. But here's where it gets extra tricky and confusing. Dismissive avoidants have very unique patterns when it comes to sex and intimacy. And not understanding these patterns causes individuals on the receiving end of them to often spin, spin out. So in today's video, we are going to break down the dismissive avoidant attachment cells, brain and sex. We're going to talk about it from a neuroscience point of view and a neurochemical point of view. And if you are new here, hello and welcome. I'm hoping this video will absolutely give you so much more context into what's actually going on. My name is Thais Gibson. I'm the founder of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory, the proven method to leverage neuroplasticity and actually rewire your attachment style. And after almost 14 years of both working in private practice and in our online group coaching programs at the Personal Development School, I am here to share with you the most powerful insights for deep inner healing from childhood and past relationships so that you can live your best life. So let's get into it. There tends to be two types of avoidant attachment styles. Okay, so we'll tend to see. Well, of course, we have the fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant, but two types of sort of manifestations or patterns that you'll see specific to the true avoidant attachment style, the dismissive avoidant. And you'll see here, when it comes to sex and intimacy, from these two polarizations of behaviors that occur, you'll see there's one camp essentially of dismissive avoidance who tends to just be really slow to warm up. They may not even consider having sex or being intimate in any kind of sexual way until they feel like they have a connection with somebody, until they feel safe around them or comfortable with them. And so they kind of need this, like, baseline of safety and comfort in order to explain, explore intimacy. And then we have another camp of avoidance who, you know, are not so slow to warm up when it comes to sex. And they instead use sex as their form of connection because they actually struggle to connect in other ways. So what are those other ways? Well, I like to think of connection or intimacy as a whole actually as being comprised of five major pillars. We have a romantic pillar of connection, particularly in our romantic relationships. We have an emotional pillar of connection, us being able to open up, be vulnerable, share our Emotions and feelings around things. We have a mental pillar sharing our philosophies, ideas, maybe having a healthy debate, talking about our opinions around different topics. Then we have a physical pillar, which is like the affection pillar. And then we have the pillar of sex, which is more related to actual sex and intimacy. Now, avoidance, in that first camp, they often tend to start with the mental pillar. They'll try to establish a mental connection with somebody where they feel like they can talk to them, they can learn with them. They can have different discussions mentally. And once they feel like there's that sense of establishing connection there, then they start feeling like, okay, I have a sense of comfort and safety because I can relate to them in this way. And then they'll often move into the sexual pillar as that being sort of the next closest place that they'll feel safe connecting. Sometimes it can be emotional a little bit. But we'll generally see an order in that first camp that will have avoidance. First experience, the mental factors being the safest space, Then the sexual. And then we may see emotional, physical, and maybe lastly romantic. So what I mean by this is that you'll tend to see that there isn't a lot of romantic expression with dismissive avoidance for a very long time until some really key things happen that we're going to talk about here. And you may also see that when it comes to these different pillars that Dismissive avoidance in that first camp, they tend to be most comfortable being mentally connected and then sexually connected. But we may see that that can actually shift in our other camp. And when I talk about these two camps, it's not like a particular type of dismissive avoidant. Think of it as, like, how trauma affects us. When we have trauma, we tend to polarize into one of two big areas. A lot of the time, if you come from an unhealthy household where there's a lot of fighting, you may be, for example, somebody who replicates that pattern and also argues a lot in your relationships. Or you may be somebody who literally avoids fighting like the plague and never actually has conversations or resolves conflict. So we'll tend to see, like, these polarizations of behav. And that's what I mean by these two camps, right? So one dismissive one will be really like, they need comfort and mental connection. Other avoidance. They actually tend to first explore the sexual connection area of relationships, and then they'll maybe move into mental connection and take a lot longer actually, to move into the other pillars, right? The emotional connection, the romantic connection, and of course, the physical affection. Component. What actually helps either of them move from one specific area where they're more comfortable in the mental and sexual area actually into engaging with the other pillars? And how does sex affect them specifically, I want to cover a couple topics in this area. So I want to talk a little bit about the neurochemistry of sex and how it actually physiologically affects an avoidant. But then most importantly, the key things that avoidants tend to be seeking when it comes to their relationship to sex that may cause them to lower their guard or feel a little bit more comfortable or more safe around sex and maybe let their guard down enough to explore those other pillars like romantic connection, emotional connection, and even the physical affection component of connection. First and foremost, there's four major types of neurochemicals released during sex. This is like a generalization here, but these are the four types of neurochemicals that you're going to see. The most. Number one is oxytocin. Oxytocin is traditionally the bonding hormone and it's released during sex and particularly during orgasm. So it's associated with feelings of closeness and bonding. But something that's really interesting is that dismissive avoidant attachment styles, because they will keep trying to create emotional distance between themselves and somebody else during sex or around things related to sex. You may see that even though that bonding neurochemical is there, it's almost like the short lived experience where they're able to go back after that neurochemical spike. You may actually see that then when that drops back down, they return to the baseline of being avoidant. Right? Of being disconnected again in various ways. And again we're going to talk about how this actually tends to change over time and those key factors that change this in a few moments. Then we'll see dopamine. Of course, dopamine is the pleasure and reward neurochemical. So it's often released during sex and it's related to feelings of enjoyment or satisfaction. And dopamine can actually reinforce that desire to engage in sex or sexual activity. So you'll see that sort of its relationship to sex there. Then we'll see two other things and one of them is endorphins. Endorphins are actually the natural painkillers of our neurochemistry. There's some other components in there, but that can play a crucial role here in terms of neurochemistry around sex. And you'll see that there tends to be feelings of, well, being, relaxation when endorphins are released and it can create a sense of comfort. And safety during and after sex, which you're going to hear me talk about in a few minutes. Okay? So earmark that in your mind. Then we have vasopressin. Now this hormone is associated with long term bonding, even more so in males. And it can actually enhance feelings of attachment and protectiveness towards a partner, potentially contributing to a stronger bond, even in those with an avoidant attachment style. So we have the neurochemistry of sex, but there tends to be things that dismissive avoidants are actually seeking around sex that can cause an avoidant attachment style to move from that sex sexual pillar of connection and mental pillar of connection, where they generally feel quite safe with people, into emotional, romantic and physical affection. And this is usually some of the things that tend to be important. So dismissive avoidance when it comes to sex, things that they tend to seek in order to feel a sense of actual connection and growth in the relationship into other pillars are, number one, gradual bonding. Despite this inclination to maintain distance, avoidant attachment cells because of the neurochemistry of sex, it will affect them because they are a human being. So through repeated positive sexual experiences, there tends to be this dynamic of the subconscious getting essentially conditioned, right? With positive emotional associations to the person. Because we have those neurochemicals that are taking place and some things that dismissal points are really seeking when it comes to sex and actually being able to explore those other pillars are not just the gradual bonding that's naturally happening with sex, but also a sense of acceptance. When avoidance feel judged or shamed around sex, it will cause them to shut down so much. In fact, they may shut down so much they don't even open back up again. And if they feel criticized in any kind of capacity again, they just will shut down so profoundly that it can kind of be a deal breaker in a relationship a lot of the times. Now this isn't me saying don't communicate around sex or things like that, because communication is really important, but the delivery is key, right? Delivering your communication in a way that is, you know, from a space of acceptance, from a place of kindness and respect and making somebody feel like they're important, like they matter to you. So we need this gradual bonding, we need this acceptance piece that's absolutely huge. And we also need to feel like the avoidant has a sense of autonomy in the relationship. If they ever feel forced or pressured into something again, it's a way that's going to cause them to completely shut down. Now beyond that, other things they tend to really seek to actually bond with somebody sexually are A sense of being appreciated around sex, like some sort of like appreciation. It doesn't have to be pretending to put your partner on a pedestal or do something inauthentic. But those will be things that cause them to honestly feel safe. And at the deepest level, avoidance are actually really seeking safety, empathy, and this sense of really being able to let their guard down because sex is this comfortable thing. So if we have those five major areas covered around sex, this is actually what leads to those neurochemicals that are going to be produced the most to cause them to feel like the oxytocin is getting them to bond. Right? The bonding neurochemical or love, you know, hormone that's often referred to as well dopamine, that, that pleasure and reward neurochemical endorphins actually feeling like they can create this sense of comfort and safety with a person around sex. And then again vasopressin, which will cause them to really attach and even feel feelings of protectiveness and that strengthening of that bond. I want to share a couple really crucial so with you. This is not me saying like, you know, make sex about somebody else and making sure all these boxes are checked or things are happening, but this is about me trying to help you decode what may be going on so that you can have an understanding of what makes somebody else's sexual experience something that connects them. Because if they feel connected in these areas, this is going to allow them to drop that big wall that you often see taking place or that's so high up, and then be able to explore moving their feelings into more of a romantic space, more of an emotionally connected space where they may start sharing more of their feelings and emotions and experiences from that pillar and that physical affection space. I want to be really clear about one last thing. Sex has to be a two way relationship and experience. So it should absolutely be about you according to your attachment style listing. If you are not the avoidant listening to this, it should also be about you making sure that you are able to take yourself into consideration your needs, your boundaries, what feels healthy and safe for you as an individual. And then see if you can take that roadmap for yourself of what your needs are, what's important to you around sex and connection, and then merge that with the understanding of somebody else's roadmap in a healthy, reciprocal way. If you want to see more content about this, let me know in the comments down below or any questions you have, let me know as well in the comments down below. Thank you so much for sharing. And I look forward to seeing you in the next video.