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Have you ever wondered the real truth about each attachment style's biggest turnoffs? The things that cause them to want to run the other direction, shrink away, or literally leave a relationship altogether. In today's video, I'm gonna break that down for you so that you have the understanding of this for yourself, but also have an understanding of the other things that light people up or make them really need to retreat. If you're new here. Hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson and I'm the founder of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory, the new attachment theory that is the proven method to leverage neuroplasticity and nervous system changes to trul rewire your attachment style. And after 14 years of both working in private practice and in our online programs, the Personal Development School, I'm here to share daily videos with powerful insights for deep inner healing from your childhood and past relationships so that you can truly live your best life. Let's dive in to each attachment style's biggest turnoffs. These are some important patterns to understand. Let's actually start with the securely attached style and we'll talk about why. The secure attachment style, they're big biggest turnoffs and things that are going to cause them to literally retreat and run in the opposite direction are if somebody early into dating or in a couple months into a relationship is inconsistent, if they are dishonest, if they play emotional games, or they are unwilling to navigate conflict by moving through it. Now, this is actually really important because this gives us insight into why this is taking place. And what you want to understand is that your subconscious mind is responsible for 95 to 97% of all of your beliefs, your thoughts, your emotions and your actions, whereas your conscious mind is only responsible for 3 to 5%. And what this actually means is that that subconscious habituated part of you is literally wired for survival more than anything else. It just wants safety, survival. And it tends to associate familiarity with safety and thus survival. And what is most familiar to each of us is the way that we treat ourselves. And so what this actually means is that if you are somebody who shows up in the relationship to yourself with consistency, with honesty about your likes, your dislikes, your needs, your boundaries, honor those things in your life if you are willing to move through conflict and expect that other people will do the same and show up with you to repair conflict after rupture, if this is who you are and how you're operating, that's also what you find most attractive because you find it most familiar. And this is one of the biggest features that actually drives Attraction. And this is part of why securely attached people, statistically, and the data, it shows us they end up with other securely attached people. And the data also shows us that 50% of people roughly are securely attached, although that number seems to be on the decline. And from that 50% of people, they report not just being in the longest lasting relationships, but they report being the most fulfilled in those long lasting relationships. And I think that that's a really important metric because what good is it to just be in a long lasting relationship if you're not actually happy? So this really tells us a lot about what's going on here beneath the surface. Okay, so securely attached people, they don't like the inconsistency, dishonesty, emotional games, unwillingness to rep. Those are their biggest turnoffs. Number two, anxious attachment style. These are things that turn them off, okay? And this is something that's really important to recognize, unfortunately. Although they consciously say that they want somebody who's emotionally available, who's consistent, reliable, who's direct, who pursues them, who makes them a priority, that is of the conscious mind, that is what anxious attachment cells will say that they want. However, the things that anxious attachment cells report have been butterflies around and that spark and chemistry and that traction are usually people who unfortunately, they feel like they are chasing. They feel like they're trying to win their approval over. They feel like they are trying to pursue and see if they can get that person to think that they're good enough to make them a priority. And what this means is that anxiously attached individuals often invest, although they consciously say they don't like mixed signals, ambiguity, emotional unavailability, lack of reassurance, lack of clarity. Unfortunately, those tend to be the things that their subconscious mind invests in and chases after and pursues and prioritizes long term. And those are the very things that also cause them to feel the most dysregulated from a nervous system perspective, because it triggers these subconscious core wounds, these fears of abandonment, exclusion, being alone, disliked, rejected. That in turn causes them to have these bursts of cortisol and norepinephrine that then in turn dysregulates their nervous system and puts them into sympathetic nervous system mode. And so anxious attachment cells, they say their biggest turnoffs are the mixed signals. Emotional unavailability, lack of reassurance, lack of clarity. But at the end of the day, they often actually invest in those same things. Why? Because it's their subconscious comfort zone. It's the same theme, right? Anxiously attached individuals, they are emotionally unavailable to Themselves, they don't reassure themselves or validate themselves because they're so busy people pleasing everybody else and trying to win over approval from outside of them. And so that's what feels most familiar and thus safe. And that's what they end up pursuing, even though consciously they know they want something different. Okay? And this is really important to change when we heal and change the relationship to ourselves, it changes what we're attracted to in other people. Number three, fearful avoidance. Okay? These are actually things that truly will be their turn offs. There are some things that are more congruent here. They say that they are turned off by people who offer too much closeness. Okay? So too much closeness in general, people who are trying to move too fast get commitment out of them too quickly or too early. And people who are unpredictable, unreliable or dishonest. Okay? This is true. These things will trigger fearful avoidance like crazy. Oftentimes we will see fearful avoidance still invest in people who are not fully available or sometimes who are chaotic, who are not super present. Because fearful avoidance within themselves and their subconscious comfort zone is also pretty chaotic, not super present. And they also struggle to make themselves a priority and honor their needs and boundaries. So sometimes they do end up in relationships with people who also struggle to honor their needs and boundaries too. Right? Because again, we tend to invest in and be most attracted to at a subconscious level, that subconscious comfort zone. But we'll also see on the flip side, fearful avoidance report their biggest turnoffs being people who move too fast, but also people who move too slow and don't make an effort to commit really anything in those polarities or extremes of coming on too strong or not trying hard enough. But people who break their trust and often fearful avoidance will initially stay in those types of relationships and situations and kind of like turn a blind eye to that lack of consistency or honesty or transparency. But ultimately, because they get so triggered by it, those relationships burn themselves up. And fearful avoidance end up kind of sabotaging those relationships or connections quite quickly if there is a lack of those things. Because not only do they get so turned off, but they get so dysregulated by it that they have to sabotage and that push away of those things, or extreme sabotaging and extreme like pushing somebody away, threatening to leave a relationship, all those sorts of things. That is the way that the fearful avoidant has learned from a nervous system level to protect themselves. Okay? And it's usually a big part of what they had to do growing up in order to feel safe. If you really want to do some in depth healing around these things. We have a codependency and enmeshment course that you can check out fully for free and actually keep for life. It's valid at 250, of course, will really help you if you struggle with emotional over functioning, if you struggle with keeping your boundaries, honoring your truth, not self silencing. The course will really go into all of the reasons why this happens and what you can do instead. And I'll put the link for free for you below. Last but not least, our dismissive avoidant attachment style. The things that turn them off the most are if somebody moves too quickly in a relationship or is too intense, if somebody is needy or clings or has too many emotional demands or is too controlling for a dismissive avoidant. And the reason that these things trigger the dismissive avoidant the most is because these are things that are the antithesis to how they've learned to cope, to feel safe. Okay? So they say consciously that these are the things that distress them the most. And what you'll see is they learn to cope by literally trying to control themselves. Right? They're in a place where they're constantly trying to control. They're basically in this anxious relationship to self all the time, always trying to see how much time do I have alone, when do I get my space, when do I get time to myself to do my own thing? And so these are the things that they will consciously say they don't like. But a lot of times there's still these things that they subconsciously invest in again until they end up sabotaging the relationship and things don't go well and, and we get back into those same cycles of rupture repair, rapture repair, until we no longer repair and things fall apart. And that is part of why it's so important to really do the attachment work to heal and actually rewire what's happening from our subconscious patterns that we've acquired from our childhood and past events. Because unfortunately, like it or not, if we're not rewiring our subconscious patterns and wounds and fears that we project that then cause our nervous system to become dysregulated if we don't do that work. Your wounds are running your brain, which means probably the people who gave them to you are running your brain. In other words, your parents are probably running your brain on autopilot all this time later. And I'm gonna assume that if you're insecurely attached, you don't want that. You probably want to feel like you have control over your own choices and reality and the things you invest in in relationships around you. So anyways, if you want lots of help with that, check out our online programs. I'm in there literally three days a week with you, moving through different questions you have supporting you through the process. And I have amazing colleagues. There's so many, like, ongoing little se in there where you can join our live classes as you go through the program and ask your questions and all those types of things. So you can check it all out all down below. And you do get that free gift that is that other course you get to keep for life. So I hope you enjoyed today's video. Please subscribe to this channel if you did. Thank you for watching and I'll see you next time.