Podcast Summary: The Unseen Issues Dismissive Avoidants Face When You’re Away

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Episode Date: October 30, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson delves into the lesser-known inner struggles faced by dismissive avoidant individuals when separated from their partners. She breaks down the psychological and emotional mechanisms at play, how unhealthy patterns form, and practical approaches to support both yourself and avoidant partners in healing attachment-related wounds. The episode is designed to offer clarity for those navigating relationships with dismissive avoidants or anyone looking to better understand attachment styles and develop healthier relational dynamics.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

What Is Happening Internally for Dismissive Avoidants?

• Functional Freeze & Dysregulation ([00:12]):
  Dismissive avoidants operate in a state Gibson describes as a "functional freeze." Their nervous systems are dysregulated, which drives their need for solitude.
  • Quote: "Dismissive avoidants largely operate in a space of functional freeze. In other words, their nervous systems are stuck, dysregulated." — Thais Gibson [00:12]

Understanding Attachment Styles

• Review of Attachment Types ([01:25]):
  • Four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, fearful avoidant (disorganized), dismissive avoidant.
  • Both dismissive and fearful avoidants are "avoidant-leaning" and shaped by early experiences of neglect, feeling unseen, or trapped.
• Feelings Minus Fears ([02:41]):
  • Both avoidant types operate in a “feelings minus fears” model—their genuine desires for closeness are constantly filtered through their fears and traumas.
  • Quote: “Dismissive avoidance and fearful avoidance alike, both have a lot of fears about love, vulnerability and closeness.” — Thais Gibson [03:13]

Why Do Avoidants Pull Away?

• Subconscious Patterns Triggered by Closeness ([03:30]):
  • When closeness is present, old negative associations are reactivated (e.g., fear of being hurt or shamed).
  • When a partner distances themselves, avoidants' fears aren’t triggered, so their “feelings” can come to the forefront—often leading to reach-outs or pursuit.
• Quote: "When somebody pulls away, those fears are not being activated. So, they're just in their feelings." — Thais Gibson [04:52]

Practical Advice on Navigating Relationships with Dismissive Avoidants

1. Walking the Middle Ground ([05:17])

• Don’t simply match the avoidant’s slow pace or endlessly pull back; this isn’t fair to yourself.
• A mutually respectful compromise is crucial—honor both parties' needs and communicate openly.
• Quote: “We have to find a healthy compromise, but we have to also be considerate of that person, realize what they need, and discuss what we need as well in a constructive way.” — Thais Gibson [05:48]

2. Encourage Personal Work & Healing ([06:25])

• Gently encourage avoidant partners to recognize and address their wounds or traumas, as unresolved issues will impact the relationship.
• Healing attachment wounds requires subconscious reprogramming, not just conscious intent.
• The vast majority of our thoughts and behaviors are driven by subconscious/unconscious patterns.
  • Quote: “Your subconscious and unconscious mind collectively are 95 to 97%. And that's where real change happens.” — Thais Gibson [07:10]

3. Set Boundaries and Communicate Needs ([08:27])

• Call out unhealthy patterns constructively and set timeframes for improvement; if your partner isn’t willing to do the work, prioritize your own boundaries and wellbeing.
• Quote: “Communicate your needs, but also set a deadline so that you don't stay in a relationship or a situation that may not be unfolding in a healthy way for too long.” — Thais Gibson [09:01]

4. Directly Address Inconsistent Behavior ([10:02])

• If you notice a pattern of your partner re-engaging only when you withdraw, discuss it openly and state your desire for consistency.
• Suggested script: “Hey, I notice when I pull away or I'm busy, you sort of reemerge. But I’m looking for consistency in the relationship. I’m looking for [X].”
• This transparency allows both partners to quickly identify if the relationship can progress healthily.

Healing and Next Steps

• True relationship growth occurs when both partners commit to self-work and honest, vulnerable communication.
• If only one partner is willing to do the work, consider stepping back to maintain your own health.
• Gibson advises referencing her resources or courses on codependency and enmeshment for those struggling with boundaries or self-silencing.

Memorable Quotes

• "Their nervous systems are stuck, dysregulated... and it's part of why they struggle to need so much time alone." — Thais Gibson [00:12]
• "Our attachment style literally affects us more than any other factor in relationships." — Thais Gibson [01:53]
• “We have to find a healthy compromise, but we have to also be considerate of that person... discuss what we need as well in a constructive way.” — Thais Gibson [05:48]
• "The subconscious mind is like the one running the show. The conscious mind likes to think that it is, but it's not." — Thais Gibson [07:20]
• “I always say this on this channel, but that would be the number one thing I was looking for when couples came in for sessions with me... Are both parties going to show up and do the work?” — Thais Gibson [09:53]

Noteworthy Timestamps

• 00:12 — Introduction to the “functional freeze” state of dismissive avoidants
• 01:25 — Overview of attachment styles and their impact
• 02:41 — Feelings minus fears: internal struggle in avoidant types
• 05:17 — Navigating the middle ground in relationships with avoidants
• 06:25 — The importance of addressing subconscious trauma
• 08:27 — Setting boundaries and communicating needs
• 10:02 — Directly addressing inconsistent re-engagement

Tone and Language

Gibson’s tone is empathetic, insightful, and gently directive, emphasizing compassion for both oneself and one’s partner. She maintains a practical, step-by-step approach oriented toward empowerment and lasting transformation.

This summary covers the core concepts, practical tools, and language of encouragement presented in the episode, offering listeners a thorough understanding and actionable guidance regarding dismissive avoidant attachment dynamics.