Podcast Summary: The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: THIS Happens When The Avoidant Realizes They Lost You
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: January 30, 2026

Main Theme

This episode explores what happens emotionally and psychologically when someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style realizes they have truly lost their partner. Thais Gibson explains the inner workings of avoidant behavior, what leads to relationship breakdowns, and why the "boomerang effect" happens months after a breakup. The episode concludes with actionable steps for listeners to heal after a breakup with an avoidant partner.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style

[00:10–01:30]

Avoidant attachment: These individuals minimize emotional needs and vulnerability as a subconscious form of self-protection, usually because of childhood experiences with neglect or inconsistent care.
Why do they behave this way? It's about survival: "They carry this fear of commitment because they carry this fear of losing themselves or being helpless or reliant or too vulnerable." (Thais Gibson, 01:31)
The subconscious mind stores early relational experiences and projects them onto current relationships, shaping reactions and behaviors.

2. Why Avoidants Sabotage and Withdraw

[01:30–03:15]

Strong feelings of closeness can trigger overwhelming fears, leading the avoidant to prioritize space and independence over connection, equating autonomy with safety.
"The more space I have, the more safe I am because I can rely on me and I don't have to be vulnerable and thus unsafe to other people." (Thais Gibson, 02:40)

3. What Happens When the Avoidant Realizes They Lost You

[03:16–07:45]

After a breakup: Initially, avoidants often feel relief ("feelings minus their fears") and use coping mechanisms (numbing, distraction, flaw-finding in their ex) to reassure themselves that distancing was the right choice.
"They often feel this initial relief like okay, feelings minus their fears, oh my gosh, those fears can set them to rest now..." (Thais Gibson, 03:40)
Boomerang effect: Months later (often 3–4 months after the breakup), avoidants begin to feel the absence and start to reminisce on positives about the relationship, missing the security and support the partner provided.
"The dismissive avoidant will almost always equilibriate...start longing for that person, especially if it was a longer-term relationship." (Thais Gibson, 05:30)
Paradoxically, avoidants struggle more with breakups in the long term because they feel unable to get closure or adequately self-nourish, leading sometimes to depressive episodes.

4. Avoidants’ Attempts to Reconnect

[07:46–08:30]

"The DA will rarely reach out, and if they do, it'll be very indirect and hard to read. They'll send like a meme or a picture of something, and often times that's the DA trying to vulnerably rebuild the connection." (Thais Gibson, 08:10)
Reconnection is difficult since most avoidants are not prepared to be vulnerable, making communication slow and ambiguous.

5. Steps for Healing After an Avoidant Relationship

[08:31–12:00]

a. No Contact for Personal Growth

"That no contact shouldn’t be used as a strategy to get the person back; it should be used for you to put all your energy into investing in yourself." (Thais Gibson, 08:50)
Focus on meeting internally the needs the relationship satisfied—identify and nourish those needs on your own.

b. Challenge Your Breakup Stories

"We all tell stories about ourselves after a breakup – 'I wasn't smart enough', 'It's all my fault'… Question these ideas." (Thais Gibson, 10:10)
Write down negative self-stories and scrutinize their validity; many stem from old wounds and do not represent objective truths.

c. Create a Vision for the Future

Replace ruminating on the past with proactive planning for your next chapter. "When we don't have a next season of life ready...it's easier for our brain to go back to what's old and familiar." (Thais Gibson, 11:10)
Set missions, plans, and structure for personal development and self-nourishment.

d. Additional Healing Resources

Suggests a free course on nervous system regulation/somatic processing for deeper healing.
Mentions her "How to Heal from a Breakup" course, designed to rapidly address pain from separation.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On the avoidant’s initial reaction:
"Their fears are essentially going to win out... the dismissive avoidant is likely to take you for granted, not because they want to, but because whenever we are focused on how something makes us feel in a scary way, we always prioritize that survival need." (Thais Gibson, 02:10)
The "boomerang effect":
"What I've often seen is that the first three or four months, totally fine...and then all of a sudden they're like, they start missing the person. The feelings minus fears dynamic is gone." (Thais Gibson, 04:50)
On indirect reconnection attempts:
"They'll send like a meme or a picture of something and oftentimes that's the DA trying to kind of vulnerably rebuild the connection." (Thais Gibson, 08:14)
On self-nourishment:
"If somebody was making them feel supported, seen, cared for, loved, the DA isn’t doing the best job of nourishing themselves...they might meet their needs in a survival way, but they’re not nourishing themselves the way a relationship can be nourishing." (Thais Gibson, 06:45)

Key Timestamps

00:10 — Definition of avoidant attachment style
01:31 — Childhood roots and subconscious mind’s role
02:40 — Autonomy and safety for the avoidant
03:40 — Immediate post-breakup relief for avoidants
05:30 — The “boomerang effect” and delayed grief
06:45 — Why long-term breakups hit avoidants hardest
08:10 — Rare, indirect outreach from avoidants
08:50 — Emphasis on no contact for healing
10:10 — Challenging breakup self-stories
11:10 — Importance of a new plan/vision post-breakup

Conclusion

Thais Gibson offers a compelling, compassionate exploration into the world of dismissive avoidant attachment and the complex grieving process that follows a breakup. Through scientific insight and practical advice—as well as an invitation to deeper resources—listeners are empowered to focus on their healing, create a vision for their life, and break out of unhealthy relational cycles. For anyone recovering from the loss of a relationship with an avoidant partner, the episode is a guide to understanding both sides of the dynamic and building a more secure sense of self.

Transcript

A (0:00)

Most people have had the experience of.

B (0:02)

An avoidant pulling away. But do you know what happens when.

A (0:05)

The avoidant realizes they've actually lost you? Well, this is what we're going to.

B (0:10)

Find out in this video. If you're not familiar with what I mean by the term the avoidant. The avoidant attachment style is one of.

A (0:17)

Four attachment styles in relationships. And spoiler alert, every single person has an attachment style. But the avoidant attachment style specifically is the individual who tends to feel clear commitment in relationships.

B (0:30)

And they work to minimize their attachment.

A (0:33)

Needs in order to feel less vulnerable and afraid. This is not conscious. This is something they do without their own conscious awareness as a means of.

B (0:42)

Self protection, usually because they had some.

A (0:44)

Negative experiences with vulnerability and closeness in their childhood or earlier relationship experiences. But it's very common for an avoidant attachment style to sabotage a relationship, push somebody away out of the blue or all of a sudden, even, particularly when things are going well. But what happens in detail when the avoidant actually realizes that you're gone? And why do they get to this place of doing this to begin with? If you stick around to the end of this video, you'll not only find out all of those answers to those questions, but also exactly what you can do to heal from this experience if someone left you high and dry in the middle of what otherwise seems like a great relationship.

B (1:31)

So the very first thing that I think is super important to recognize is that dismissive avoidance carry this fear of commitment because they carry this fear of losing themselves or being helpless or reliant or too vulnerable to somebody who isn't ultimately going to be there to support them. Because in childhood, that's obviously a huge piece of what they experienced. And so that neglect that conditions their own subconscious mind all the way back from childhood gets projected on to our present and future relationships, because that's what the subconscious mind does. It stores information and then it reprojects it back outwards. So we essentially see the whole world through the lens of our subconscious mind and past experiences. So the first thing that's really important to recognize is that dismissive avoidance. When they feel afraid of commitment, they feel very overwhelmed by this. And essentially feeling too attached causes them to focus, like almost hyper focus on their need for space, on their need for, for, you know, freedom, independence, autonomy. Because they're actually associating these things with safety. If, if a dismissible Boyden, for example, is in a relationship, they're often playing in this realm of what I call their feelings, minus their fears. So if they've got really deep attachment wounds that are maybe, let's say for for analogy sake, a 9 out of 10 in terms of neglect and feeling enmeshed or feeling overwhelmed by, you know, wanting connection and closeness and just that neglect sort of being the biggest overarching theme even it was like hidden sort of emotional neglect, like flying under their radar neglect. So if they have this, this dynamic at play, well then what you're going to see is that feelings minus their fears cause them to feel this need to pull away from that. Like I don't want to feel like this again. I felt too vulnerable as a child. This was scary for me. I don't ever want to feel like that again. And of course they're not consciously thinking this, but their subconscious mind is projecting this emotional output because it stored those past experiences. And the subconscious mind essentially stores everything. Does have a capacity to kind of consolidate memories a little bit, but it stores everything there. And then what ends up taking place is that if we are more focused on all the things that this person is causing us to feel that we don't want to feel, even if our feelings are an 8 or a 9 or quite strong, our fears may just be stronger. And so then we get into this position where the, the fears are essentially going to win out. And so this is where the dismissive avoidant is likely to take you for granted. Not because they want to, not because they're trying to hurt you or, or do it on purpose, but because whenever we are focused on how something makes us feel in a scary way, we are always going to prioritize that survival need. So the dismissible wouldn't orient themselves. As a person who thinks the more space I have, the more safe I am because I can rely on me and I don't have to be vulnerable and thus unsafe to other people or around other people. And so they need to have this sort of push back and carve out that space for themselves as a result. So number two, we're going to cover these sort of core concepts here. Once that space is taken, what essentially happens? I like to think of it as like an iceberg numbing, right? Or like an iceberg melting, not numbing. And what you'll often see is that a dismissive avoidant, once they've broken up with somebody, they often feel this initial relief like okay, feelings minus their fears, oh my gosh, those fear that can set them to rest now and then what they do is a coping mechanism, is a dismissive avoidant. Attachment style has essentially self conditioned and adapted to their environment to learn to minimize their attachment needs as a strategy to create relief. So immediately a day will tell themselves all these stories of why they didn't need the person, it wasn't going to work anyways. They can focus on their freedom. The often flaw find about the person as sort of a subconscious coping mechanism to reassure themselves that this is the right thing, it wasn't going to work anyways. And all of this is an attempt to not feel too much about another person. It's an attempt to keep that sort of guarded safety net around them because they're afraid to feel anything underneath this. And so what we'll see generally is the first few months, dismissive avoidance are good at this, they're good at just hyper relying on their creature comforts, really going into distracting themselves, numbing themselves, you know, sort of tuning out, not thinking about the relationship, flaw finding, reassuring, all these different things. But dismissive avoidance have what I like to call a boomerang effect in a relationship and how they are impacted and what I've often seen, and I would say this is incredibly, an incredibly strong pattern for a day is that the first three or four months, totally fine, three, four months in all of a sudden they're like, they start missing the person. The feelings minus fears dynamic is gone. So their, their fears are dropped. They can only numb themselves for so long and then eventually they start reflecting on the relationship from a more objective or neutral manner and they start thinking of the good things and what they miss. And they often really miss the security and comfort of having a partner. And so they start missing that. Then they start missing the supportiveness, the empathy, the kindness, all the good things. And they come out of that flaw finding mode because the subconscious mind will almost always equilibriate. And then they start getting into this place where they feel like they really long for that person, especially if it's been a longer term relationship. Of course this would be slightly different if you dated somebody for like three months versus a year or longer, right? Especially a long, long term relationship, you'll see this come on really, really strongly. And so when they do realize, they start ruminating on all of these different elements that they're missing. And to be quite honest, I've actually seen dismissive avoidant attachment cells in the long term struggle with breakups the most. And part of this is that they don't feel like they can get closure or express themselves. They start longing for these things that the person was bringing into their lives that they often feel kind of helpless to meet. As A whole. And they feel terrified and helpless to reach out to that person and be vulnerable again. So it's almost like they get stuck between a rock and a hard place. And so they'll keep trying to reach for those creature comforts to tune themselves out, whether it's the food or the movies or video games or whatever their sort of comfort is. But then they'll usually just end up feeling this. Still and often dismissive avoidance can enter into like almost a bit of a depressive episode after a breakup in a longer term relationship and often have the hardest time coming out of it because it's not like they can meet their needs that the person was meeting because they're usually stuck in terms of how to meet them. So if somebody was making them feel supported, seen, cared for, loved, the DA is not doing the best job of nourishing themselves. They might like meet their needs in a survival way, but they're not nourishing themselves the way a relationship can be nourishing. So this is often sort of the cycle of this. Now I see a lot of people sometimes on here be like, okay, then I'm going to just wait forever for this person to come back. The DA will rarely reach out and if they do, it'll be very indirect and hard to read. They'll send like a meme or a picture of something and oftentimes that's the day trying to kind of vulnerably rebuild the connection. But that's as vulnerable as it gets and it makes it really hard to rebuild a connection or have honest conversations if somebody is not willing to be vulnerable yet or if they're moving at a snail's pace. So what I want to focus on in the second half of this video is what you can do to heal. As somebody coming through this, I have a free gift for you that we're doing just for a limited time. It is a course all about nervous system regulation and somatic processing of emotions. It will help you feel secure, safe and connected to yourself. It's one of our six major pillars of healing your attachment style. And it's literally for free with our seven day free trial, access to the personal development school. And you can check it out down below. Number one, I think it's really important to hold no contact and I think it's important, you know, if at least for the first few months and generally the DA may stay no contact quite easily for the first few months anyways, but that no contact shouldn't be used as a strategy to like get the person to get back with you. It should be used as a strategy for you to be like, okay, I'm going to put all of my focus and energy and sometimes rumination on me, on investing in myself, on digging deep within me, instead of trying to focus on how I can fix or change that other person or win them back over in some form. And by doing that, and starting by looking for the needs that the DA was meeting for you in your life, even if they were inconsistent with them, even if they were good some days and not so great other days, if you stayed in a relationship for long enough, there were certain needs that that person was meeting. And if you can take those needs and you can learn to nourish those needs in the relationship to yourself, like make a list of what they are and do that work, that's going to be a really important first step. The second step is we all tell stories about ourselves after a breakup. We say, I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't interesting enough, I wasn't funny enough. If I only did this one thing, it might have worked. It's all my fault. We tell stories. What are your stories? What are the things that you keep telling yourself? Put them on paper and dare to question them. Ask yourself if you can really know these stories are objectively true. Because a lot of times we have old wounds and painful perceptions about ourselves because of old subconscious trauma that we're carrying from childhood. And what we end up doing is we project that old stuff onto the present and we believe that everything's all our fault because maybe we felt like that sometimes as a kid, or we believe that we aren't good enough because maybe we grew up with that wound. So question this stuff. Can you really know that if you did one thing differently, the relationship would have worked? Can you really know that this not working was about you not being good enough? What about that the person has wounds and. And that you were trying to date and wasn't ready for the same things that you were ready for. So dare to question these ideas. And then number we often get stuck on, like, focusing on the problem instead of the solution. And when we don't have a next season of life ready for ourselves, the next mission, vision, plan, structure, something to look forward to. It's easier for our brain to go back to what's old and what's familiar than investing in what's new and what's in the future for us. And so the more we can map that out, really put like a mission and vision and plan together for the next stage. Of our life, really hone in on different areas of our lives. We can work on, we can improve, we can nourish, we can caretake for ourselves. The more we do these things, we are going to see momentum. So these are three easy steps you can start off with. It will definitely help kill that initial sting of the breakup. And the more we focus on ourselves from the inside out, the faster we will build that momentum towards healing. So if you want to do a much deeper dive into this, I actually have a whole course called how to Heal from a Breakup. It literally is designed to take that first like 40% of the sting out. If you just do the exercises, it can literally be like an hour and a half that you go through and then do the exercises for another half hour and it'll actually like purge some of that stuff. Sting. Because a lot of the sting of why we suffer after breakups is more about the stories we have and the unmet needs. And there's some traits work in there and you know, benefits drawbacks work like cost benefit analysis stuff that you can do to just move that needle quick. And if you're enjoying this channel and these videos, please consider subscribing. Hit the notification bell. Give me a thumbs up if you want to. I would really appreciate it. And if you hit the notification bell, you won't miss any of the daily content I put on here seven days a week. So I hope you enjoyed this. Thank you so much for watching and I will see you in the next video.