Podcast Summary: The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: THIS Happens When The Avoidant Realizes They Lost You
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: January 30, 2026

Main Theme

This episode explores what happens emotionally and psychologically when someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style realizes they have truly lost their partner. Thais Gibson explains the inner workings of avoidant behavior, what leads to relationship breakdowns, and why the "boomerang effect" happens months after a breakup. The episode concludes with actionable steps for listeners to heal after a breakup with an avoidant partner.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style

[00:10–01:30]

• Avoidant attachment: These individuals minimize emotional needs and vulnerability as a subconscious form of self-protection, usually because of childhood experiences with neglect or inconsistent care.
• Why do they behave this way? It's about survival: "They carry this fear of commitment because they carry this fear of losing themselves or being helpless or reliant or too vulnerable." (Thais Gibson, 01:31)
• The subconscious mind stores early relational experiences and projects them onto current relationships, shaping reactions and behaviors.

2. Why Avoidants Sabotage and Withdraw

[01:30–03:15]

• Strong feelings of closeness can trigger overwhelming fears, leading the avoidant to prioritize space and independence over connection, equating autonomy with safety.
• "The more space I have, the more safe I am because I can rely on me and I don't have to be vulnerable and thus unsafe to other people." (Thais Gibson, 02:40)

3. What Happens When the Avoidant Realizes They Lost You

[03:16–07:45]

• After a breakup: Initially, avoidants often feel relief ("feelings minus their fears") and use coping mechanisms (numbing, distraction, flaw-finding in their ex) to reassure themselves that distancing was the right choice.
• "They often feel this initial relief like okay, feelings minus their fears, oh my gosh, those fears can set them to rest now..." (Thais Gibson, 03:40)
• Boomerang effect: Months later (often 3–4 months after the breakup), avoidants begin to feel the absence and start to reminisce on positives about the relationship, missing the security and support the partner provided.
• "The dismissive avoidant will almost always equilibriate...start longing for that person, especially if it was a longer-term relationship." (Thais Gibson, 05:30)
• Paradoxically, avoidants struggle more with breakups in the long term because they feel unable to get closure or adequately self-nourish, leading sometimes to depressive episodes.

4. Avoidants’ Attempts to Reconnect

[07:46–08:30]

• "The DA will rarely reach out, and if they do, it'll be very indirect and hard to read. They'll send like a meme or a picture of something, and often times that's the DA trying to vulnerably rebuild the connection." (Thais Gibson, 08:10)
• Reconnection is difficult since most avoidants are not prepared to be vulnerable, making communication slow and ambiguous.

5. Steps for Healing After an Avoidant Relationship

[08:31–12:00]

a. No Contact for Personal Growth

• "That no contact shouldn’t be used as a strategy to get the person back; it should be used for you to put all your energy into investing in yourself." (Thais Gibson, 08:50)
• Focus on meeting internally the needs the relationship satisfied—identify and nourish those needs on your own.

b. Challenge Your Breakup Stories

• "We all tell stories about ourselves after a breakup – 'I wasn't smart enough', 'It's all my fault'… Question these ideas." (Thais Gibson, 10:10)
• Write down negative self-stories and scrutinize their validity; many stem from old wounds and do not represent objective truths.

c. Create a Vision for the Future

• Replace ruminating on the past with proactive planning for your next chapter. "When we don't have a next season of life ready...it's easier for our brain to go back to what's old and familiar." (Thais Gibson, 11:10)
• Set missions, plans, and structure for personal development and self-nourishment.

d. Additional Healing Resources

• Suggests a free course on nervous system regulation/somatic processing for deeper healing.
• Mentions her "How to Heal from a Breakup" course, designed to rapidly address pain from separation.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the avoidant’s initial reaction:
  "Their fears are essentially going to win out... the dismissive avoidant is likely to take you for granted, not because they want to, but because whenever we are focused on how something makes us feel in a scary way, we always prioritize that survival need." (Thais Gibson, 02:10)

• The "boomerang effect":
  "What I've often seen is that the first three or four months, totally fine...and then all of a sudden they're like, they start missing the person. The feelings minus fears dynamic is gone." (Thais Gibson, 04:50)

• On indirect reconnection attempts:
  "They'll send like a meme or a picture of something and oftentimes that's the DA trying to kind of vulnerably rebuild the connection." (Thais Gibson, 08:14)

• On self-nourishment:
  "If somebody was making them feel supported, seen, cared for, loved, the DA isn’t doing the best job of nourishing themselves...they might meet their needs in a survival way, but they’re not nourishing themselves the way a relationship can be nourishing." (Thais Gibson, 06:45)

Key Timestamps

• 00:10 — Definition of avoidant attachment style
• 01:31 — Childhood roots and subconscious mind’s role
• 02:40 — Autonomy and safety for the avoidant
• 03:40 — Immediate post-breakup relief for avoidants
• 05:30 — The “boomerang effect” and delayed grief
• 06:45 — Why long-term breakups hit avoidants hardest
• 08:10 — Rare, indirect outreach from avoidants
• 08:50 — Emphasis on no contact for healing
• 10:10 — Challenging breakup self-stories
• 11:10 — Importance of a new plan/vision post-breakup

Conclusion

Thais Gibson offers a compelling, compassionate exploration into the world of dismissive avoidant attachment and the complex grieving process that follows a breakup. Through scientific insight and practical advice—as well as an invitation to deeper resources—listeners are empowered to focus on their healing, create a vision for their life, and break out of unhealthy relational cycles. For anyone recovering from the loss of a relationship with an avoidant partner, the episode is a guide to understanding both sides of the dynamic and building a more secure sense of self.