The Thais Gibson Podcast: "THIS Happens When YOU PULL AWAY FROM AN AVOIDANT"
Episode Date: September 25, 2025
Host: Thais Gibson

Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson explores the psychological and relationship dynamics that occur when someone distances themselves from a partner or loved one with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. She breaks down the mechanics of avoidant behavior, why pull-back can trigger pursuit, and how to navigate these patterns in a healthy, conscious manner—empowering listeners to foster secure attachment and advocate for their own needs.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Attachment Styles

• Thais outlines the four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious (preoccupied), fearful avoidant (disorganized), and dismissive avoidant.

• She notes that avoidant dynamics, especially, are most pronounced in relationships involving dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant types.

  "Our attachment style literally affects us more than any other factor in relationships." (02:05)

2. Why Pulling Away Triggers Pursuit

• Avoidant individuals, especially dismissive avoidants (DAs), often experience intimacy and closeness as threatening due to negative early life associations.

• When partners pull away, it can de-activate those fears, allowing the avoidant to feel their feelings without being overwhelmed by fears.

  "When somebody pulls away...the fears are not being activated. So they're just in their feelings." (05:30)

• This often leads to the avoidant person "re-emerging" or moving toward the other when they sense distance, which many partners find confusing.

3. Origins of Avoidant Patterns

• Avoidant attachment stems from formative life experiences: neglect, feeling unseen or defective, or fear of being trapped or powerless.

• There is an internal paradox: a longing for connection (biologically wired) but a strong, subconscious association between closeness and emotional pain.

• These patterns repeat into adulthood unless actively addressed.

  “When closeness is needed... those stored subconscious associations about what closeness is will be activated, right? Like, 'oh, closeness is scary, closeness will make me feel hurt.'” (03:45)

4. What NOT to Do: Avoiding Relationship Games

• Playing "push-pull" or strategic distancing is damaging and leads to a destructive cycle.

• Authenticity, conscious communication, and honoring both parties’ needs is essential.

  "When we play games, it always just leads to destructive outcomes." (08:05)

5. Finding the Middle Ground

• Respect independence and autonomy while honoring your own pace and needs.
• The goal is compromise, not capitulation: don’t move entirely at the avoidant’s slow pace, nor demand more than they can offer.
• Communicate boundaries and needs directly, constructively, and consistently.

6. Healing & Growth: The Role of Self-Work

• Encourage both parties to recognize and work through their pain points and attachment traumas.

• True change comes from targeting and reconditioning the subconscious mind, where most behavioral patterns are rooted.

  "The conscious mind likes to think that it is [in charge], but it's not... the subconscious mind is the one running the show." (11:15)

• Suggest partners take courses or perform needs assessments for greater self-and-other understanding.

7. Holding Space & Setting Deadlines

• Be patient, communicate, and put in the work to foster healing, but also recognize when progress isn’t happening.

• Set personal deadlines for change to avoid staying stuck in unhealthy dynamics.

  “It’s also important to recognize when that’s not happening and be able to...own my own boundaries, take ownership of my needs, support and protect them, and take a step back.” (13:55)

8. Direct Communication About Patterns

• If your distancing leads to pursuit, name the pattern:

  “Say, ‘Hey, I notice when I pull away or I’m busy, you reemerge. But I’m looking for consistency in the relationship…’” (16:00)

• This honest conversation is both clarifying for you and confronting for the avoidant, quickly showing whether they're capable of growth.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On why avoidants pull back when you get close:

  “Closeness is scary. Closeness will make me feel hurt.” (03:45)

• On subconscious dynamics:

  “If we don’t address trauma at a subconscious level...it can be really difficult to gain a lot of positive momentum around a relationship.” (12:10)

• On the importance of two people doing the work:

  “That was the number one thing I was looking for when couples came in for sessions... Are both parties going to show up and do the work?” (14:30)

• On authentic communication:

  “Call out the pattern of behavior in a healthy way and let somebody know what you’re needing instead.” (16:20)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–02:05 – Introduction to avoidant patterns in relationships
• 02:05–06:30 – Attachment styles and the mechanics of avoidance
• 06:30–09:00 – The push-pull dynamic and why it occurs
• 09:00–11:15 – Avoidant attachment origins and the role of fear
• 11:15–13:00 – The subconscious mind and real change
• 13:00–14:30 – Healthy compromise and protecting your needs
• 14:30–16:00 – Recognizing when to step back, setting deadlines
• 16:00–17:00 – Direct communication: Naming patterns and asking for consistency

Conclusion

Thais concludes by reinforcing the importance of open communication, self-respect, and mutual growth in relationships with avoidant partners. She underscores that awareness, patience, and willingness to do the inner work are crucial—but also, the necessity of honoring your own boundaries and walking away if reciprocity and evolution are absent.

“I hope this makes a whole lot of sense.” (17:04)

For more on attachment styles, the subconscious mind, and practical relationship advice, check out Thais Gibson’s daily episodes.